Advice on living with aging parent. How can I best support this relationship?

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Advice on living with aging parent. How can I best support this relationship?

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My father passed in 2019, my brother and his wife have moved in with my mother who is 86. Mom does not trust my brother’s wife, my mother is a very private person, my sister in law has told my mom she is an open book and doesn’t hold anything back. When they moved in my brother assured my mom nothing in the house would change, that lasted about 2 seconds and there is no part of the house that has been left untouched. My mother began bringing things into her bedroom of value to her as she is sure they will throw her things out. My brother feels like he is walking a tightrope between his wife and his mother. Both he and his wife get very angry if my mom perceives something is missing and accuses them of throwing it out. I live 6 hours away so I am not involved in the day to day, I do speak with my mom every night on the phone. My calling for over 30 years was working with the geriatric population and I have tried to help my brother and his wife understand the importance of routine and possessions to older people and have advised them to not take her accusations personally. My SIL states she wants what is best for mom but I suspect she agreed to move in in order to “get” the house, I also feel she is jealous of the relationship between my brother and mother and has told my mom in conversations outside of my brothers hearing that she (my mom) is not going to turn him into his father. I have asked my mom to come stay with me, she will not, I think she feels if she leaves things will disappear. Mom is physically active, she did have a stroke in 2010 that impacted her language center, she also has a tendency to become obsessive about things, like the mail (if something comes in she thinks needs immediate attention she will bring it to my brother as soon as he gets home from work and will keep reminding him of it) or something missing (she was looking for her original marriage certificate and didn’t give up until she found it even though I had ordered a copy). Sorry for the long synopsis, how can I best support this relationship? I suspect her wedding anniversary and my father’s birthday last month may have precipitated this latest accusation that they have thrown her things out (they had not, the offending item was in another location) as there was a similar issue last year that had my sister in law threatening to move out. Thanks for any insight you may have.

Multi-generational Living Relationships

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I would just take bets that this is not going to get better, but is going to get worse. As far as what YOU can personally do? Not much. You have already done what you can in explaining the importance of routine and of her possessions. Moreover, if you have a SIL that moves into someone else's house and feels that she has a right to throw or dispose of or change around anything, you are already beaten at the gate. It is time to step out of this and discuss none of it with either side. First of all, in listening and talking about it to them it puts the struggle always at the forefront. If your Mom needs 24/7 care now there are few options other than either this or in placement in care. She is on the slow slide of loss after loss after loss from her "things" to her autonomy to say nothing of body and mind. It is never good, and there are seldom perfect fix-it solutions. I would stay out of the middle of it as much as I can. Third parties don't usually bring solutions to things like this unless they are trained psychologists. I sure wish you and your Mom good luck. Two women trying to be head of household is never a pretty thing in the best of circumstances. There seems to have been no talking before this move about whose home this is, and how to arrange two parties living in it.

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Your sister-in-law is in a horrible, no-win situation. She moved into a home which is not her own, where she is the junior of the two females there. Her husband is in a home where he is the child again of his mother. As well as being expected to be subservient, your sister-in-law is continually being accused of theft, you said. She is supposed to live in a house yet not move any item to better suit her or make her own life there more livable? I don’t spend five minutes in a hotel room without moving something to better suit me and my needs or preferences. Of course she is going to get angry, or at least extremely frustrated. I have no solutions to offer, I just wanted to offer an opposite view of the scenario as you described it. Best to you all.

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Back in the day, we had to move into in-law home to caregive. The dad had a triple bypass, something happened at the hospital, ribs and sternum broke and he was at U of M for reconstructive surgery. About 6 months later, he was able to go home with 24/7 care. His wife who has Parkinsons is/was a complete pain in the a**.

So when we moved in, alot of changes were made. Rails installed for him to grasp, rugs removed, etc. The rails were installed between the bedroom and bathroom to help with falls but no, I ruined her walls. Omg, the junk, seriously, there was a spare bedroom full of empty olive jars and empty plastic containers from ice cream, cottage cheese, yogurt and non matching tupperware. A dumpster was brought in just to throw shit out. It was so disgusting. Not only that the coffee pots had wires showing. It was all pitched.

So, if you ask the mom, I was and still am the devil. I wanted her house and was taking over. In reality, I was doing what PT/OT stated needed to be done to make things livable for both.

The problem was, she whined, b****ed and caused s***. I have been called every name in the book, been physically assalted etc. It is not a good place. All due to lies.

My suggestion to you is to take a road trip and visit your mom. There are always 2 sides to a story and it may not be what it seems.

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That's a possibility. Just having other people in one's home is a disturbance of long lived habits.

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My dad had a firm rule of his own making. He wouldn’t allow any of his adult children to live with him and he wouldn’t live with any of us. He said he’d seen it ruin too many relationships. A ruined relationship is what you’re seeing, with both parties. It’s okay to admit that it wasn’t a good idea and isn’t working. Time to come up with a new plan

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That's a very good rule. I think I'll adopt it.

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Ur SIL is wrong and her DH needs to tell her that. Its your Mothers house. Nothing should have been changed and your Mother made that very clear when when they moved in.

I have a SIL like this. She takes over. In some instances this is a good thing, with my MIL it was not. Her house, her way. And my MIL stood up to my SIL. SIL always thinks her way is best.

This arrangement will not work if SIL does not back off. She has to realize its not her house. I see no problem in SIL doing their bedroom the way she wants or even a sitting area they alone use but she should not be changing things in the rest of the house.

I think you need to talk to your brother saying the changes are upsetting your mother. That it is Moms house even if they are helping her. That you understand that his wife has sacrificed to move in with Mom but she can't make changes in her MILs home.

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SIL is not being very considerate. Brother should stand up to her. Assuming they moved in to help her, how do they think upsetting her unnecessarily helps? When I lived with my mother I did not change anything about her house except my own space in the basement. Even there I did not move in my own furniture. She was very particular about the style and color of everything. If she needed a new rug, I'd buy one that she would like, not what I would like. Her house, not mine. Moving back to my own house was such a relief. I have my bright colors again and the furniture style I like and good art on the walls. I wouldn't want someone to move in with me and change things to their own liking, and I'm not in my 80's yet.

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The other thing I think you need to cognizent of is the fact that it sounds like you are hearing this from mom's viewpoint only.

In addition, there are ALOT of suppositions, about the house, about the extent to which SIL has made changes, what SIL has said to mom.

Be aware of the fact that if mom had language center damage (and vascular dementia could also be in play), she may be misunderstanding some of what is said to her.

I would seek to make a trip to mom's to see the situation for yourself, and make sure that whatever suppositions everyone is making about the financial end of this is supportable with a visit to a good eldercare attorney.

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My daughter lost her job about 4 years ago. Her lease was coming due to be renewed. She asked if she could move in till she got a new job and back on her feet. It was only 9 months. I gave her a cabinet for her food, she is Vegan, and a place for her stuff in the bathroom. And of course, her own bedroom which is a good size. She is an organizer and without asking changed my pantry around plus my computer. I was livid. I could not find anything. I was 68. My Mom read years ago not to change things around after the age of 50 which is so true. What my daughter thought was logical is not logical to me.

What I am saying, by making changes in Moms house SIL is causing Mom anxiety especially if MIL has any Dementia from her stroke.

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In my opinion, it is NOT important whose fault or who instigates the problems. Two adult women with different personalities living under the same roof is a bad idea. Period.

Your mother wants control because it's her house. That's natural. Every woman wants control over the space where she lives. And that's what your SIL wants. Both are jostling to be queen. Bad idea to live together. I would not like to live under someone else's rules, unless I am a guest for a very short time. I wouldn't move in with my MIL in the first place, and she's a very nice person.

You, your brother and your mom should come up with some other plan that doesn't involve brother and wife living under the same roof with your mother. SIL won't change her behaviors, and neither will your mom.

The problems they have now will only get worse.

So to answer your question of how to support the relationship, first of all, don't tell SIL how to behave because you have 30 years of experience with geriatric population, unless she asks. That just rubs me the wrong way. Second, go and spend time with your mom for an extended period of time (a few weeks) so you can see how things really are. Third, discuss with mom and brother on how best to support her without her having to share her house with anyone (who wants to take over as queen of the house.)

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WHY did brother and SIL move in with mom? Was she having problems?
Frankly if I was not having any problems, was cognizant I would be upset that someone moved into MY house. (upset is putting it mildly) They have invaded "MY" space.
Keep in mind this is STILL mom's house and she should still be the "head of household" and I bet they are not treating her as such.
If mom can manage on her own. if mom is cognizant she should give them a move out date.
If mom needs help she can hire someone to come in daily or several times a week to help her do what needs to be done that she can not do.
Now this all changes if mom is not cognizant and can not manage on her own.
If that is the case then it is a matter of dealing with the day to day problems of dealing with dementia and redirecting and if something is "lost" helping mom look for whatever it is that she wants and redirecting during the search.

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Thanks Grandma 1954 for your input, she is still able to care for herself, from a cognitive standpoint I feel she is still all there just in a different way. She is not what would I call a fragile patient though could slip to that point very easily. My parents had independent activities and pretty much did their own thing until her stroke then she stopped driving(her choice) and relied on my father for the decision making. Her main issue revolves around her ability to put her words together in a pressure situation and so she tries to avoid those situations as much as possible. Her routine has become very important to her and was even when my father was alive, she has a tendency to hold onto thoughts or situations that I might just pass over without a thought. My father used to chafe under her obsession with things and he told me that he prayed many a night to have patience and acceptance of this change in her personality. The reason for my brother moving in with her was to offer her more companionship than anything, she lives about a mile from a busy interstate and her neighbors are not very close. I worried about her being alone and with no one within shouting distance if she has an issue, having them move in sounded like a good plan, they both work so it is just in the evenings and weekends they are around. My brother also told my father he would do this, dad was worried about mom if something should happen to him first. Every time my mom says something to upset my sister in law I hear about it, my SIL did not have a good relationship with her own mother, her own admission, and I think there are lot of esteem issues on her part that results in knee jerk reactions to statements mom makes( accusations regarding her things). My brother addresses some of the SIL behaviors( and there are quite a few) though I don’t know if he would cross her on mom issues. I’ve observed some of this and have tried to diffuse the situation but the SIL chooses not to listen, her immature response to these situations has made me giggle a bit, she has also implied to me she thinks mom has deliberately engaged in behaviors as well. I don’t think that is the case, she would never stir the pot previously though when brain infarction occurs personality changes do occur. Your response pretty much validated my thoughts, it is still her home and they need to respect that being there with her. I know how challenging it is with an aged parent, my MIL had dementia and we had some interesting situations with her including accusations. I just didn’t know if because of my intimacy with the situation I was missing something I should be seeing. Thanks

Advice on living with aging parent. How can I best support this relationship?

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