I'm afraid my dad's dying, but I have a vacation planned.
I just spent 10 days in Texas where my father was living with my brother and sis in law. He is suffering from Congestive Heart Failure (CHF), COPD, Diabetes and Liver Failure. He has advanced Edema and three falls and weakness put him into the hospital. I went to help find a facility to place him in, as my bro and sis in law felt they could no longer care for his medical needs at home. We found a very nice place for him, had him moved there from the hospital and, on the advice of the hospital, put him on Hospice. I stayed with him until he was comfortable and he was OK with me going home. It's been two weeks, and he has gotten better since the hospital visit. My brother and sister in law go to see him nearly every day. However, Hospice tells me he's hardly eating and he's drinking very little. His edema is getting worse, his legs are full of fluid and he has an arm that's blown up like a balloon and weeping. Hospice is treating him for advanced edema and for a blood clot in his arm. He say's he's in no pain (hospice is taking care of that too) and that he really likes where he is at and the care he is getting. He has a private room and bathroom with his own little patio. It really is a nice place.
My question is this... I have a vacation planned Nov 2nd through the 8th. I am going with my grown children and 10 yr old granddaughter (her first trip) to one of my favorite places to visit, Chicago's Field Museum of Natural History and the Shed Aquarium and Planetarium on the Lake Michigan Waterfront. We took our daughter there for the first time when she was about my granddaugher's age and I've been looking forward to us taking our only granddaughter there when she was old enough. We have been planning this trip for months and tickets are bought and paid for. I'm worried though, that dad might be at deaths door by that time. What if hospice tells me his death is imminent? Or if I get a call on the way to Chicago? I would absolutely hate not being able to share this trip with my Granddaughter and see her excitement at seeing these great places for the first time. .... I would like to think that dad would tell me to go to Chicago...that I've done what I can do, but I wonder if I could live with the guilt if he dies and I could have been there. It's got me torn up inside, thinking about this. I'd very much appreciate your thoughts...
Thanks Rascal12...true that tomorrows are never promised. I will be going...all is planned now. We leave on the afternoon of Nov 2nd and return on the 8th. Just a short trip. Dad's stable for now, so we'll see what happens.
I did buy trip insurance for my train ride, but goofed up on the hotel reservations. I swear it didn't say on booking.com that the hotel couldn't be cancelled until I booked it. I went back and checked so couldn't find it anywhere. So I would lose my portion of the hotel if I didn't take the trip. Bummer... Hopefully though, as many have mentioned, all might go well and dad might very well hang on till well after the trip. He's that ornery sometimes.
I know if I asked dad and he was in his right mind, he'd definitely say to go. He keeps talking about getting better though, so he doesn't know he's in as bad as shape as he really is so I don't want to ask him...
I do very much appreciate all your answers. I've got a week and a day to see how it all goes. I do know that every time the phone rings, I'm expecting bad news...and that's not fun at all. What helps is all of you, and knowing that you're all going through similiar or will be soon enough. Hugs to you all!
I could not have necessarily done anything different for my dad had I known that, and thank God we had already said all the important things. I was on call but had thrown a box of stuff in the care to drive to Pgh :just in case" and then when he got worse ("declining," said with a certain emphasis) and I got coverage after rounding, I headed out but only got a third of the way there when I got the call he was gone.
I appreciate your dilemma. Ten years ago, I felt guilty for taking a planned trip to another country when my husband was having a hard time recuperating from surgery. Today he's still here. Most probably, you will have a wonderful time with your granddaughter and heave a sigh of relief when you get home again that you have this wonderful memory -- and your father is still alive.
There is no way you can know you could be there for his passing anyway. My Aunt who I loved dearly passed so quick I couldn't get there in time and it was only one hour away.
You have done all you can for your dad. Have you talked to him about it? If he is on Hospice he knows he is dying. What are his thoughts?
My husband doesn't want to travel anymore because he is afraid he will die away from home. There is nothing seriously wrong with him. I told him not to worry, if he died, I would have him cremated and bring him home for burial. He still won't go. So I go. I love him, but I only have a few good years left and I am not going to bury myself at home because of what might happen.
OTOH, it really is not an easy call at all. Serously, see what things look like Nov 1. Give yourself options. I was actually working during the weeks my Mom was actually in hospice, and at one point they thought it would be longer and arranged for a longer term residential program they had, and I might have been in your spot exactly. But she got worse pretty quickly right after that and I was blessed with family support to have someone with her all the time...she had said she did not want to die alone and since I had dragged her to live near us in Little Rock after being a Pgh girl all her life to make sure that did not happen, I was bound and determined. With the exception of one night when I was ill and hubby was not feeling so well himself, that we just trusted that it would not be that night.
Bless you for caring and here is a hope and a prayer that things look OK for you to go!
My own father with a heart condition was given two to seven years. Try to plan around that prognosis! Although we lived 3000 miles apart I saw him on my annual trip to Florida. We both knew it would be very unlikely that I would be there when he passed, but we enjoyed each other's company when I could spend several weeks there.
In 2004 my three brothers and I were all together with our parents for Thanksgiving for the first time in many years. My husband took the last photo of the six of us together. I never saw him again (my dad, not hubby!) but I cherish the memory of that gathering. He passed the following March while two of my brothers were visiting. I believe that he chose that time to go while my mother had the support of my brothers. (This was while she was still able to care for my father and before she needed to have someone with her 24/7, so she and my father were often alone at home.)
The interesting thing is that, although I had no guilt about not being there---and actually no one was, as he passed quietly in the night---the two brothers who were there did have feelings of guilt and regret. The day before they had asked Dad if he wanted to go out in the boat with them. (My parents lived on an inlet to a bay.) My father, a sea captain and avid fisherman, declined. He was just too weak and, unknown to my brothers at the time, literally on his way out. They lamented that they did not stay at the house to spend all of what turned out to be Dad's last day on earth with him.
An addendum to the above: I had to choose between a quick cross-country trip to view my father's body or make plans for an extended trip after his cremation. The former meant a brief visit, the latter meant I would be able to spend a few weeks visiting and supporting my mother. I chose the latter. I was also able to plan Dad's memorial service later on.
I guess the moral of this story, as well as my previous post, is to spend whatever quality time you can with loved ones while they live---and that includes children and grandchildren!---and don't trust any "plans" around their leaving.
My daughter-in-law's great-aunt waited until my DIL's grandma (her sister, with whom she was very close) left on a trip and passed the next day. Years later that same grandma waited until her children and offspring had all visited in the hospital and passed after they left.
There is no predicting a loved one's time of departure, and indeed they may hang onto life until you are absent. There are stories of people leaving the bedside to have dinner and receiving the call that he or she is gone.
Here is my idea: Take pictures and short video clips of your vacation and send them with messages of love daily by phone or email to your brother to show your dad. He will know that you are thinking of him every day. It will also give him an opportunity to see and hear your granddaughter that he otherwise would not have.