Two years ago after a gut-wrenching breakup with a total JERK who basically criticized my caregiving (after pretending to be helpful in the beginning), I decided to give up on dating. This wasn't my first failure at dating while caregiving as the relationship prior to that broke down considerably after I moved my Dad closer to me and started the whole caregiving process. That guy was super nice, but I was a mess. It took a toll on the relationship and we mutually decided to end the relationship.
...so there's this guy...
who has been relentlessly pursuing me for over 6 months. We've known each other casually for almost two years, but I've ignored his efforts because I don't think it's fair to share my caregiving burdens with some unsuspecting soul. He's aware from coworkers that I help out with Dad, but no one can know the full magnitude of our plight unless in it.
Anyway, I FINALLY gave in and decided to go out with him and we had SUCH a great time. He was attentive, understanding, and I haven't laughed that much in years. Of course, I gave him the spiel "I'm not in the position to date... blah, blah, blah", and he said he understood, but he wants to take me out again... and I'm TERRIFIED.
My life is about to change in a month when I have Dad at home with me essentially full time. I have a caregiver helping out 4 days a week, but I would essentially have a curfew (gotta be home before she leaves at 11 PM). Dad will be with me, so that would mean having eyes and ears around should we want to spend time together at my place...
I like the guy, but I think I should quit while I'm ahead. Besides, maybe I just liked the ATTENTION (haven't even remotely entertained anyone in two years) instead of the guy.
Why did I open this can of worms? How do I let him down easy?
That really spoke to me. I've been pondering your situation and just read back over the more recent posts. I've often wondered why you want to take over your dad's care in the situation that you have described here so many times. You are finally seeing that bringing your dad home really does leave you no time for yourself.
Now, do you have any idea how to get what you want? When you do, plz share....
You are very aware of your triggers and strategies. That's a huge start. Next step? Do something different to get out of the repetitive thinking-behavorial mode. Often that takes focus - tenacity. (Listen to Rick Hanson, Ph.D. - he speaks a lot about this in Resilient - his newest book).
Consider to reframing though: 'not letting someone down' by taking care of yourself - that is how to NOT let them down. You can't be there for another on empty. You gotta fill you up! Gena.
So even if things come up, you can still be or go out?
Have you considered this or asked someone - do you ever get a night off?
Gena.
...and I'll be able to quit the second job as Dad's income will be enough for him to cover his own expenses.
17 days and counting...
Or a caregiver support group? You are not alone.
This is not about him (as you know); it is all about you. Well, that is certainly true for all of us. We don't want to get hurt, we protect ourselves with all kinds of strategies and reasons to run the other way. It is often hard to experience what we feel, esp when it is all mixed up and confusing. It takes a kind of fortitude and courage to feel through whatever is going on.
This IS an opportunity for you to open your inner-can of worms-with, as so many psychological models say "with curiousity" (not judgment). If you feel a need to step back - examine your fears/feelings - do it. There is no set time table for a relationship. And Mr. Relentless will be there if he wants to be there. He may not and that is certainly his choice. You want to move forward based on YOUR grounded gut-head decisions, not based on fear of him leaving. This could be your practice guy to work through all this - the only way you'll know is by honoring your inner self and being where you are emotionally and psychologically. And, work from there. You might be 20 in development. I don't know. We shut down when we do and we unfortunately still get OLD. I'm 67 and still feel 17. Well, sometimes I feel like 92. Gena.
I KNOW I hide behind caregiving as a protection mechanism. Thankfully, Mr. Relentless is giving me the time / space I need.
He checked on me but then left the door open for me to contact him when I was free. I only shared a little about Dad's current state (don't want to scare him off), but it was nice that he at least asked.
I keep wondering if he's being genuine or just getting information to use against me later.
...man that Narcissist ex really did a number on me (the jerk I referred to in my initial post).
We're supposed to go out on my birthday this week, but Dad still isn't doing well. I don't want to let him or Dad down so I'm trying to figure out how I can balance both...
He seemed very understanding about the whole thing, but my own fear reared its ugly head. I was reminded of how caregiving contributed to the breakdown of the relationship I was when I first took on caregiving.
This situation mirrored that. You make plans. Dad gets sick. You have to cancel. You make it to the date. Dad gets sick. You have to cut the date short. It made me think a LOT about what this nice, unsuspecting person may be in for... and it's probably going to get more challenging after moving Dad in.
I didn't take any action yet. I'm trying to stop and breathe, but the "quit while you're ahead" cliche is ringing loudly in my codependent brain.
Charlotte
Well... I have definitely kept the communication lines open and this guy said he's willing to take things as slowly as I need, and that we will figure out how to spend time together
...so Sunday he took me to brunch. This wasn't just any brunch. It was brunch at a FANCY restaurant (did I mention he's a sous chef), and he and the executive chef prepared me a meal!!!! It was so great!! When I tried to give him the speech about how I didn't want him to spend a lot of money on me, his response was "Are you kidding? This was a chef's special! I used to work here!!!!!"
He made so many of my favorite foods. I didn't realize that over the two years that we've interacted (he works at my part time job), he's been paying attention to what I liked, so the meal was great!
I'm still a little afraid, but the fact that he's not rushing or pressuring me is a big plus. He knows that I am about to face a huge transition with moving in with Dad, but he said he's willing to take it one day at a time
I'm cautiously optimistic... and we're going go kart racing next weekend (daytime dates are working well).
Make time for each other. Take care of yourself besides others. All the best
People try and line me up with dates and that is how I met my 2nd wife and lost her to another man. After the 3rd marriage went bust, I quit. But had hope with the bisexual friend, it didn't bother me but we were like two peas in a pod and she 46 and I was 59 when she got married. I was going to share a home with a past love, 2 years ago. She was looking forward to returning to Florida when her doctor told her that her breast cancer had returned after 8 years and she died 2 months later. She was 63.
I guess I'm just Snake Bit. But Ma'am, go with your heart, if you are still young enough, you MUST socialize or you will go NUTS. I spend 4 nights with my Mom then I spend 3 nights where I live with a male friend. If you like dancing, take your friend and go dancing and have a ball. The most I get from my lady friends is a hug and I give her a good squeeze. Live it up, you are only young once. Remember Hugh Hefner, he was in his 90's and had a 20 something girl friend, of course, it helped that he was rich, LOL. Good Luck!
I think it boils down to "is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" I think you are afraid of the loss, which is so understandable, and obviously possible. Or is it a guy who in the end wants to have HIS needs taken care of as well? My sister was involved with one of those, and she never was caring for anyone but herself LOL.
The flip side is that this could really be a good guy...a good guy would recognize the importance of family, the need to care, and would want to do that for his own family. We good daughters have to remember there are good sons out there too. Ok, not as many...but some!
So, if you can stand to bear the potential loss, carry on...he will either demonstrate his patience or prove himself to be an a-hole, right? And in the meantime, you get a wee bit of time off for good behavior and a few laughs.
There a Fox show on last season...was it 911? I think it was renewed. Anyhow, a dispatcher whose name was Abby I believe, had a mom played by Mariette Hartley. They lived together. Had a caregiver while Abby was at work. Mom had dementia. Abby met a guy, date got ruined (hot air balloon ride no less) guy got pissed...but in the end I think there was still hopes of an on-going relationship.
But, in the second year we were together, my former boyfriend began to advise me about how to manage my Mom's care. This grew to be a problem for me, as it became more and more a source of irritation for him whenever I did not take his advice - which was mostly to follow what he and his family had done to handle care for his older father.
So, I know very well how anyone you are friends (or more) with can add pressure to the highly draining situation of caregiving, which you don't need. Caregiving in any degree for a parent can be tremendously draining, and when the parent is living with you, that is high-level!
You probably have no way of knowing how long you will have your Dad with you. But, even though new relationships and/or friendships can add to the pressure in your life, I urge you to think about finding more time for you and anyone you enjoy spending time with to get a break from this responsibility. Since you are being open with this commitment to your Dad's care, it is possible you can find someone who WILL be supportive and won't add pressure. If and when it seems to start feeling like added pressure, then you can discuss that and consider any changes you can make to your "curfew" or any other parts of your life that are limited now in some ways.
Good luck to you, and do not give up on adding some joy to your life! You deserve and need time for your own relationships and happiness. If someone you become involved in doesn't support you, you can move on. I did, based on getting very tired of being over-advised, rather than feeling like a disappointment for not doing exactly what my ex-friend thought I should.
I am the caregiver for my elderly grandma and I live with her.
I also work and have a boyfriend! He’s very supportive and we’re engaged now. We’ve had to put off planning for our future
but he is very understanding and patient. I enjoy my life but I look forward to my future.
Your life is just as valuable as your dads. No matter how busy you get caregiving, your needs count too! Please don’t put off your happiness and pleasure. Life is too short!
You can do both if he’s the right guy!
Take a date at a time. Stop future tripping.
You've had one date and perhaps another one date.
Change the scary word DATE to getting together with a new potential friend-that is what this is at this point (okay, perhaps with benefits). Still, he is a support in your life now - when you need it. Appreciate that - and him being there for you.
I hear overwhelm and self-protection (against getting hurt).
This person could be a HUGE emotional-psychological support to you, if not much more than that -
If you are honest with him, as it sounds like you are, there are other reasons why you feel terrified, which may have nothing to do with your Dad.
Take 'the dad' out of the equation and how would be feel about dating this person?
Go out for dinner, have a drink (or not) and enjoy yourself.
You need this balance in your life and most certainly deserve to feel good about yourself, with another person who cares about you. Gena.
You have a great opportunity here to see what this guy or any that follow, is made of. You aren't duping him unless you aren't honest about your situation and if this move is happening during the get to know you phase he should be hearing about it all since it's such a big part of your life. I mean when getting to know each other you are learning about each others lives and views on things, a big part of your life is dad "I need to be home by 11pm because that's when Sally, Dad's caregiver leaves" "oh is your dad not able to be left alone" "yes unfortunately it's gotten to that point now, he can't get himself out of bed to use the bathroom...he has hallucinations at night and wanders so someone needs to be there to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or burn the house down" this guy like anyone in your life is going to get the picture pretty quick and then he can decide for himself if it's something he can live with (so to speak) or not, each step of the way. I mean maybe he wont feel like he can handle taking the relationship to the next level but really enjoys as much of your company as he can get without that so you will just spend time together before 11pm once or twice a week or month, whatever it works out to. You are getting to know about each other now don't hide who you are or the things that fill up your life and let things happen the way the will. Maybe it will turn out that he is wired for care giving too and enjoys spending time with you and Dad as well as just you, who knows. Not you until you give it a chance.
Let me be clear, you don't want to build up expectations about the relationship either, I mean don't go in with expectations about how he will react to anything negative or positive let him digest and react and you do the same. Don't think this is your last chance or anything just enjoy getting to know a new friend. But do not hermit yourself up with Dad thinking your taking care of everyone else, it's not up to you to decide for this guy (or anyone else) what is fair and what isn't, what he can or can't handle, he's an adult he can make those decisions for himself, as long as your honest and that doesn't mean painting a bleaker picture then it is either. Hehehe Enjoy!
The boundaries and lifestyle expectations you set for yourself now in the beginning phases of caregiving under the same roof will have huge impact for years to come. If you start abandoning yourself, waiting for “someday“ and shelving your most basic needs, you are going to be in worse shape than your dad at some point emotionally... also it is very hard to retroactively change boundaries when you have set them up poorly in the first place.
There is no “good time“ to start a relationship. There are only good relationships and bad relationships. Your dad could have many more years and you want to be with a spouse who embraces your commitment to helping him, rather than sees it as an impediment to a relationship. It sounds like this guy actually has potential on that front, so why on earth would you want to toss him ?????
Give it a chance. Just take things slowly at a safe place that feels comfortable. Explain your situation and use it as a way to learn how to navigate boundaries for your relationships in this new lifestyle of caregiving. Believe me, it is not going to get one iota easier as time goes on, so the more you can set your life up to preserve balance now the better. Chances are he’s not completely unfamiliar with caregiving since every family has been touched by it at some point. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes. In fact it’s very necessary! A good father will want his daughter to date and be secure years from now. Good luck!
I don’t watch tv, don’t see movies, don’t socialize and whenever I relax there’s always something I should be doing instead.
But God wouldn’t it be nice to share the load with someone? Wouldn’t it be great to have some comic relief sometime? Wouldn’t it be nice to learn how to relax again?
on the other hand, I don’t know that I could trust someone enough to believe they understand my responsibilities even if they say they do. The last thing I want is to have someone around that puts more pressure on me or demands time that I don’t have to devote to him. Is it even fair to ask for such an uneven relationship?
in the meantime you have a great start in that you have outside work and you have help already lined up. If you can enjoy yourself without any undue pressure I think that’s what you should do. It will help you keep your sense of self and he could be your knight in shining armour! Or! Maybe not...what have you got to lose??
But back to you specifically. Looking at it through the vision of someone "dating" I suspect you are afraid that if you are unwilling to start a physical relationship with a guy that he may be unable to understand your feelings toward the matter as it relates to privacy with your Dad in the house, or you may not be interested anyway and he might blame that. Or any combination of the above. It is difficult enough to decide when to start a physical relationship much less have it complicated by having one's Dad not only living with you, but needing your attention at upredictable times.
It comes down to getting to know your guy and establishing a solid friendship.
Or as was also said, just have someone to hang out with for a while, and not pretend it is, or feel guilty if it is not, anything more than that. Make friends with this guy, you might have a lifetime relationship, or you might be the user, so be upfront and present your needs and expectations honestly, and don't get fooled by a user, and don't be one either.