After the holidays, my sister & I will have to move our mom (91 with dementia, auditory hallucinations, & CHF), out of her private room and into a semi-private with a roommate. Money is basically gone after her 5 years there, so ALF is offering this as a cheaper option instead of her moving her into a nursing home.
We're truly lost on WHEN and HOW to have this discussion because we know she will be irate, disgusted, and angry. She has not been happy there, never participated in activities, and doesn't believe she belongs "in a place like this with these kind of people". Reasoning skills are gone, so a logical discussion about finances probably won't work.
We're sad that she'll be sizing down & having to share a closet and bathroom; we know it's going to be brutal. However, it's the only way to stay out of a NH. She'll say we've taken away MORE of her "stuff", might as well send me to the NH, that woman stole my stuff, she's nasty, etc. We KNOW this is coming and probably so much more.
Please share helpful ways that we can deal with this upcoming situation.
Truth be told, I plan to deal with this situation by letting someone else be the one to tell him. I know from experience that if I'm the one to deliver the news, he'll question everything and act as if the decision is optional or negotiable. (I'm apparently too dim to know better than him, after all.) Whereas he'll be less argumentative and more realistic and accepting with someone else -- anyone else -- besides me.
So I plan to ask an aide or the like to have the original conversation in which they explain the situation; then all my conversations after that will talk about the move as an established fact. I'll still get the blame and complaints regardless, but it will save weeks of wasted time in the long run.
I like your idea and/or having an admin present, but my family wants me/us to have this private time to break the news. Mom already hates everyone at the facilty (& us, too), so perhaps, it won't matter.
If it's too bad and she needs too much help, you will have to look into something else. You say she can't afford memory care which is understandable and unfortunate. At some point, she will need to go to a nursing home and you'll have to go through this process again. It's the nature of this aging decline that we're all dealing with.
While residents have the right to refuse meds, she might be a candidate for something to dial back her anger, which may be how anxiety manifests itself. I do agree that MC might be a very good option since they are well equipped to deal with residents like her. And they may have some ideas on how to deal with the transition. Good luck.
Maybe she could visit a roommate before actually moving in.
Who knows, maybe she'll decide she likes being with a roommate.
Prayers
Im assuming the facility she’s in knows how resistant she is likely to be and knows what her tantrums look like. Do they have a roommate
picked out and a plan for the transition knowing your mom may not be cooperative? Have you looked into NH facilities in the area in case that’s what mom says she wants so you can call her bluff? The other consideration along those lines is that if it’s likely she will run out of money no matter what you do and need to apply for Medicaid eventually it might be the time to find a NH. Less moving and disruption is going to be easier on and better for her and getting her into the nursing home of your choice is likely going to happen if she enters as private pay and transitions to Medicaid later if needed, the facility will help with the paperwork, know the best timing and usually wait to be paid if the application is in and she runs out of funds before it comes through. Just a thought since Mom isn’t in love with her current place anyway.
Her SS & the Medicaid Choices program together will be her rent payment at ALF. The other expenses will be mine.
She has always refused anxiety meds because she was prescribed one when she was raising her children that was too strong & she reacted badly.
Thanks for your suggestions about giving her the options.
Thank you.
I hope things work out well for you and for your mom too.
I am searching for something for her to do while we do this room swap because she doesn't need to be present. She doesn't leave the facilty.
I will pray for us both after hearing about your situation. Keep us posted.
she was very resistant. On some level she understood the move but she was resistant. She is also a hoarder and so there was no way she could go from 750 sq feet to 300 without getting rid of stuff.
I started talking about the move in advance. I enticed her with the promise of a very nice space I would decorate and made sure all her favorite things were moved to the best of my ability.
one of the items I had to dispose of was a second hand oversize dresser. The first thing she did was do a sideways glance at the new smaller dresser and she was not happy.
the staff understood the trauma to her and to me. I busted my rear dealing so the Dads death, the move, clean out.
it took a few days and then she absolutely loved her new room. The staff comments on how beautiful it is, the hospice nurses love it. I really made it her special space with some artwork etc.
so,e times they don’t realize how much change will be good for them. She may thrive having a room mate she can converse with, she won’t be so isolated.
I get it about the bossy daughter statement 😂
hugs, I would love an update on how she adjusts.
I do believe in miracles though.
This arrangement to remain in ALF is the miracle.
Her current room is decorated well, the best looking one in the faculty. She's packed her closet though. This move will greatly decrease her decor, supplies, space, etc. It is necessary but will allow her to "stir the stew", give her stories to tell, and make her more miserable.
We see it coming! It's going to be rough. We're praying for her roommate whom we've not met.
Let's stay connected. Thanks!
I honestly believe your Mom needs to be in Memory Care, as the Staff in that section are more familiar with the quirks of dementia. My Dad went from Independent Living to Memory Care which was in the same facility. I used a therapeutic fib by telling him it would be less expensive [which it wasn't], Dad liked that idea of saving money.
Try to arrange the bed, night table, and dresser the same way in the new room, as the old room. I found that worked best for my Dad. That way when he woke up in the middle of the night, he felt like he was in the same room.
Unfortunately, the staff at ALF will tell her differently about her old room. She's has moments of clarity to either find out or hear the truth.
We cannot afford Memory Care faculty. We're lucky to afford this place using her SS, her Medicaid program, & our money. The facility offered us a negotiated price since she's been a resident there for 5 years.
I do believe the new room arrangement can allow her a similar path/routine....at least bed, nightstand, & chair.
Thank you!
I will be the one who has to sort & separate her belongings, so there's no getting lost for me. I'm hoping I can have someone remove her from the room & let me work on getting her most needed things into her smaller area. The facility might let me move out the things she doesn't have room for the next day or allow us to donate her couch, extra chair, etc. This is such a challenge.
If you know how the conversation will go and that she has dementia and can't reason, then I suggest there be no conversation at all. It is what it is, and what's the point if she can't understand what's going on?