My mom had a stroke in late 2020. At the time, and now, I live one minute away from them. For about a year, I went down there every night to help get her in bed. Now, we have daytime help and nighttime help until they lay down (help leaves at 9). On the weekends my brother and I each take a day. I was going to move before my mom had her stroke, but I changed my plans. I am now scheduled to get married and move one hour away.
My mom is not the easiest person, and the stroke has her emotions all over the place. You never know what you are going to get. I feel like my dad lives in prison, and he's not the easiest person either (grumpy old man). They talk to each other so ugly sometimes, and I know he is just tired. I worry about what they will do when I am not right down the street, but I did put my life on hold so to speak all this time. I will still come down one night a week and spend the night (I work from home, thank the Lord for that), and still do my weekend turn.
Why do I feel so guilty and worry about how they will make it?
Your parents should be spending their own funds for their care.
If you or your sibling identify weak points in their care in the next couple months, get together some ideas for coverage OR potential residential care and try those alternatives.
Start with extra hours since they seem willing to accept that.
People who have been married for a long time sometimes sound crabbier than they are in real life.
Hope your wedding and new marriage fulfill your dreams!
Get married and enjoy your knew life.
P.S. you can come back from a stroke but its work. Does Mom do the work needed to improve her situation?
Getting 'nighttime aid' is simply that: someone to come and tuck them in bed. You can be as involved as you feel is necessary on the W/E's, but as a newlywed, chances are you will want to create your own family, w/o mom and dad as the primary members of that.
Honestly, they sound ready for an ALF. People who can't get themselves put to bed are a whole different animal than ones who can manage that. Step back and look dispassionately at them and think about what they can and can't do for themselves. You may be very surprised by their abilities and/or lack therein.
Guilt is for when you've hurt someone. You've been nothing but kind.
Do they have all their legal ducks in a row: assigned PoA? Living Will? Last Will? etc.? If not, the very least they should do is this. If they don't/won't assign a PoA then helping and managing their affairs will legally become much more of a challenge that you don't need.
Take baby steps so that there's not too many big changes all at once. They will probably need to hire weekend help, which means you and your brother will be managing caregivers. This is where agencies can be a better option, since they provide subs and do background checking and employment and tax paperwork.
The only other option is for them to transition into a good facility local to you or your brother. This way they get to make all the decisions before a crisis forces someone else to do it for them. Arrange a tour and take your father, since his generation has a very bad and lingering perception of nursing homes -- he needs to see the modern ones and how nice they can be. Plus, he'll get help with your mom and have so many other social options.
Your parents have the option of going into Assisted Living, because they don't want to, that is not your problem to resolve.
They have lived their life on their own terms, time for you to do the same.
"Guilt" is a self-imposed emotion which will keep you stuck and accomplish absolutely nothing of a positive nature.
because you are involved in caregiving, and that goes with the territory
(I'm not saying the OP *should* feel guilty, I'm just saying it's not an uncommon reaction to the situation.)