My BF of 17 yrs left me six years ago and moved in with his elderly mom. We now see each other 1 week a month. During covid, even less, but now that we're all vaccinated, he has been wanting to come visit even more often. He has to care give 24/7 for his mother, who, I might add, was a horrible parent who neglected all her children and always put her husband first before anyone else, including her kids. She has three other sons and a daughter who all live within a mile of her, yet, my BF had to move out and go take care of her down in a border town about four hrs away from me. The rest of her kids refuse to talk to her or visit. My BF cannot afford to hire a a full time caregiver nor would ever put her in a home. She has Medicare only and doesn't qualify for Medicaid. He had previously hired a lady that would come from Mexico to live-in at the house, clean and take care of the mom, but now, she cannot come across the bridge, because the Pres shut down the border. They keep extending the shut down, so we don't have any idea when this lady will be able to come back. She charges a lot less than people in the states. My problem is, this past month, he has come for a much-needed visit & break, but he ended up bringing his mother, who, I will also add is a very, very dirty person. She has never been clean, even when she was younger. I believe she has Diogenes syndrome. She has never bathed, washed her hands or even brushed her teeth. My BF can't get her to even use wipes. The odor is mind boggling! I live in a one-bedroom apt and I keep it neat & clean, but now, this woman is using my bathroom, urinating all over the floor, leaving dried poop stains & pubic hairs on the toilet seat, throws the used TP in the trash can and doesn't flush. No hand washing after the toilet, either. My BF has her sleeping in my room, in my good bedding and my whole apt stinks now. They have been here for two weeks and had also come at the end of April too. He just announced they are staying till next week. We can't be intimate, go out, or do anything else because he's waiting on her hand & foot. I also work full time and am so annoyed seeing/smelling her as soon as I get home. My apt is my sanctuary and now I feel obligated, because he gives me a guilt trip and tells me things like, "I guess we will leave then, because I know you're grosses out on my mom!" Or, tells me that I would've done the same thing for my mom. I do feel guilty, because I love him with all my heart, but our relationship has turned into 100% caregiving. There is no intimacy any more and I'm only 47. I'm lonely with a partner who's attention is the mother 24/7. I feel like a vile jerk for being grossed out by this woman, but I wish she would leave!
I know you won’t believe it, but con men are always convincing and second families are not unknown. Things that don't seem to make sense can often have a quite logical explanation that wasn't obvious. At least go down unannounced sometime, stay somewhere close and ask around. Make a check, at least about the second family. For your sake.
Have you decided what you want regarding next visit?
Whether him + her back (with new rules), just him (her never) or neither at all?
You made an excellent point about Farmerlee74's boyfriend expecting her to become his mom's 24/7 caregiver.
Just not yet. From how Farmerlee74 describes her situation it sounds to me like she's a caregiver-in-waiting. That the boyfriend is grooming her to take over the caregiver role for his mother at some point.
If the mom gets SS and has a government pension coming in from her late husband, she can go into a care facility. True, they will take that money and if it doesn't cover her cost the facility will get her on Medicaid to pay the rest.
Really it sounds like the son doesn't want a dime spent on caregiving services for his mother, and is playing a waiting game.
Waiting for Farmerlee74 to take over the caregiving or waiting for the mother to die.
That guy (the boyfriend) needs to take back his own life and put his mother in a care facility.
I live in the driest state in the driest continent. I’ve lived with mains sewerage, a long-drop dunny (nice tight lid and sprinkle lime after using), an inadequate septic tank, and two very adequate septic systems with regulation soakage trenches. Alice Springs is sand and rock, classified as a desert although it has drenching summer rain occasionally. I have no idea why anyone would save used toilet paper because they lived in a desert. Is the poster serious in saying they do that in California? The mind boggles. We have not used mains water for over 20 years now, relying on rainwater catchment. No we don’t waste water, and virtually everyone here follows the mantra ‘If it’s yellow, let it mellow; If it’s brown, flush it down’ - at least at home.
MIL has lived for years on the fringes of a modern country. Unless she has never had TV, she knows quite well what hygiene is normal. Her ‘inability’ to change just has to be ‘unwillingness’, not inability. ‘If I ruled the world! I do what I want, and you damn well put up with it’. Not on my turf, you don’t!
Stay strong! You got this.
You are right. Difficult situations require a professional staff to handle the difficult tasks. No matter how much children or spouses wish to help in these areas, her needs would be better met with a staff. It’s sad. His heart may be in the right place for his mom.
The OP is somewhat understanding due to his cultural background but in reality, everyone is being shortchanged, especially the mom who obviously needs more care than he can provide. Not to mention how family members become burned out.
How hard is it to educate people who are in these situations to surrender control?
The OP is in love with this man and has a long standing relationship with him. It’s a complicated mess.
I mention this because, if I am right about the way she grew up, you are never going to get her to change now at her advanced age. It doesn’t make for pleasant visits, though, as you say. Is there any sort of compromise, rather than them both staying in your apartment? You go down there and visit in a hotel? I certainly wouldn’t want the mess you describe in my home.
He has chosen to care for his folks, now full-time for his Mother. Whether this helps him, I don't know... But that is what he has chosen to do.
Farmerlee, you have the right to decide what you do too. What contact, if any, you have with his Mother.
So make your decision & make it clearly known to your BF. Either continue to allow the Mother to come, but discuss how it would work better, who cleans up etc.
Or if you decide she cannot come at all, tell him. He must then come alone. Finding other care arrangements for his Mother is his responsibility. He either will or won't - this is up to him.
Best of luck going forward with better boundaries.
He has chosen to care for his folks, now full-time for his Mother. Whether this helps him, I don't know... But that is what he has chosen to do.
Farmerlee, you have the right to decide what you do too. What contact, if any, you have with his Mother.
So make your decision & make it clearly known to your BF. Either continue to allow the Mother to come, but discuss how it would work better, who cleans up etc.
Or if you decide she cannot come at all, tell him. He must then come alone. Finding other care arrangements for his Mother is his responsibility. He either will or won't - this is up to him.
Bat of luck with some better boundaries going forward.
It raises a couple of questions to think about. First is whether BF should find another doctor. Second is why the doctor would refuse to help get home health. I was wondering whether the doctor’s attitude was that MIL is quite capable of caring for herself, and there is no reason why the public purse should pay for it. The doctor might not have much sympathy for BF for propping up her behavior. Would there be any truth in that take on the situation? What about a mental health referral?
The hard part for me is my parents did not instill the sense of duty or that I owe them or an elder anything which is sometimes difficult to process what they go thru. I think it may be easier for you since you posted you caregave your mom. How supportive of you was he when you chose that?
As for the other things, I bought a tarp, hose and sprayer threw it on the floor and said bathe with help or I will do it myself. As for the pissing, force depends and have BF talk to the dr about medications which kill the immediate urge which is dementia related.
No one here is in your situation and can give relationship advice, that is for you to determine.
& hugs 🤗
In most states, if you are over the limits on income, you can spend down or deposit the excess into a Miller Trust.
My point is, does HE know that she doesn't qualify for assistance or is he assuming that?
Can't some of her SS and pension be spent on caregivers?
Yes, its OK to vent. And I agree with ur decision Mom does not come back.
If she has no money, then why does she not qualify for Medicaid? Is her SS too much?
The person in my house pisses and sh*ts everywhere too. Son is in rehab for a stroke from the stress. So, I am kinda in the same boat. The tp in the waste basket is gross isnt it? Is she by chance Hispanic?
It is easier said than done to just leave him. You have stayed in this a long time so clearly, you do love him a lot but you just wanting her to go away is not going to happen, he isn't going to start putting you first. It sounds like they are a package deal and it is a put up with or leave choice.
You say a lot of telling things in your post, but the one that stands out the most is "my boyfriend left me 6 years ago" He has left you! You deserve more than this.
And of course, you are not a jerk,
I'm sorry! Don't tolerate that situation from either. Both be GONE (mom & son)!
Sorry, I don't have a ton of sympathy for someone who lets a guy string her along (or strings him along?) for 17 years, then starts complaining now.
I feel sad that you've been with this man since you were 30. How many years since he moved in with his mother?
He has chosen to be his mother's caregiver. He didn't have to. How does he make a living? Does his mother receive Social Security? I hope you are not subsidizing him in any way!
If you choose to stay with BF (and I'm sure everyone who has responded to you can't fathom why you DO choose to stay with him) then it is what it is.
The chance of him getting his mother into some kind of care and return to living in peace with you are about nil. You know he's going to choose mom everyday of the week and twice on Sunday. He's a momma's boy. And when she dies, nobody will mourn harder than he.
He's done far more for her than any other person in the world and it still isn't enough. He's choosing mom over you and ANY desires you have--every single day. Right?
You know in your heart that kicking him & mom out is all you can do to solve this problem. He sounds completely unable to break free from her--and also doesn't want to. He wants BOTH of you, and as long as your graciously allow him to bring her to your apt, he will and nothing will change.
Are you strong enough to walk away from this guy?
Coming from someone who married a man with mama issues and it has been awful for 46 years as her hatred of me grows and grows. Truly, had I KNOWN how bad she was I would NEVER have married my DH. We've weathered this but it took him almost 40 years to realize how sick she is, how manipulative and nasty. He would give anything to 'make' her happy, but it's not going to happen.
Just because you're lonely doesn't mean that you have to out up with this nonsense. I'd rather be lonely that have to live like you're living, wouldn't you? Think about that.
' Diogenes syndrome, also known as senile squalor syndrome, is a disorder characterized by extreme self-neglect, domestic squalor, social withdrawal, apathy, compulsive hoarding of garbage or animals, plus lack of shame. '
Wow. Hoarder but way worse... Sounds like a very severe Mental Illness? Maybe like schizophrenia but without the auditory hallucinations. So has your bf accepted this? Either this diagnoses or of another mental illness, dementia, other?
I was told by a health professional that schizophrenia family members often become polarised to either going no-contact or becoming enmeshed. You said all the other sibs are no-contact right?
But the even bigger issue is "I'm lonely with a partner who's attention is the mother 24/7."
So your bf is a caring guy that feels he must do everything for his Mom, must live her life instead of his own. It's called enmeshment. Unless he gets some therapy for himself, I don't how he will change. I am so sorry.
If you ask yourself what do you really want? Is it a partner, a real partner?
Have a good chat (video call - no Mom or odours) & explain what you want. Whether that is a partner that lives with you, lives in your town, visits on his own - set some boundaries around your relationship. Not an ultimatum - just 'this is what I need going forward'. If he cannot do this... Sadly, thank him for all the years & say your goodbye.
Do you feel comfortable to tell him with honesty how you feel?
I think it might also be a good idea for you to give some serious thought to what your relationship is with your boyfriend.
From what you say about him here, it sounds like he really doesn't care all that much about you. If he did he would not bring his disgusting mother along for the one week a month the two of you spend together.
Please stop beating yourself up with guilt trips. You haven't done anything wrong. He chose to allow caregiving to make him a slave to his mother and her needs. You did not choose that for him. He did. It's not your fault because it wasn't your decision to make.
What is your decision to make is what you will tolerate and allow in the relationship and what you won't.
Make it very clear to your boyfriend that he cannot bring his mother to your home again. If he can't find a caregiver willing to stay with her for the week, then he cannot see you.
If he really wants to be with you, he'll find a way.
If this is true, I would think bf's mom's docs might agree to help here if they see/know that she has really poor hygiene. That's a common problem for elderly. Is there any illness the mom has had that could be related to being dirty?
I might be stretching here but I thought if there was someone else to help out, at least once in awhile, that would be better than nothing.
Why is she sleeping in your room? An air mattress on a platform could be much easier to clean up afterwards. Making some reasonable changes is needed or you're going to have to put your foot down altogether on future mom stays. You could try some changes first, if you're feeling generous and want to make bf happy.
He chose this chit show and he is manipulating you with his words and actions. Sounds like a one way love affair from what you have shared. He can make the situation on the boarder better and not need to get a break at your house. He can clean her house, old and ugly doesn't need to be filthy.
Sorry to be so blunt but, men that choose their mommies over their woman and then emotionally and mentally manipulate the woman because she so desperately loves him, well, I think that they are dirt bags and only really care about themselves.
You are seeing him in the worst of situations, is he the someone that you want to have your back for the rest of your life? Seriously, does he have others that are more important to him than you are? Because you are still young enough to find someone that you can share your life with, someone that will commit to you and put you 1st, above all others.