Am I being a horrible selfish daughter to my Mom?

Dos your mom have dementia? If not I would straight out tell her that she needs to call the nurses when she needs help as you turn off your phone at night. End of discussion.

Yes, the rehab facility would call you if they knew something serious was happening with your mom. Tell nurses that she is calling you at all hours and it needs to stop. There may be a way that they can disable her phone through the night or you could unplug it when you leave. This sounds a bit codependent to me. Turn off your phone, leave it in another room, anything to get the sleep you need.

Does the facility have a social worker you could talk to about this? Maybe some therapy for you would help. It is hard, I know, when a parent is living in a facility. They just want to be at home and they do not understand that there are times when that is not possible.

Now turn off your phone, and get some sleep. Mom will be fine. She has an emergency button she can use. And it isn't even strictly for emergencies they can use it any time they want. May drive staff crazy, but that is part of theiir job is to make sure mom has everything she needs 24 hours a day.

If your mom is competent enough to dial a phone, ahe is competent enough to push a call button.

I would inform the social worker that this is happening and ask her to work with staff on getting mom to push the button. Ask for mom to be evaluated for dementia (if she doesn't have a dx already) and by a psychiatrist or psychoatric nurse for anxiety, depression and other mental/emotional issues.

Tell the staff you are taking a few days off from visiting due to your own health. Shut off your phone and let mom see that she can rely on staff.

If your Mom was alone at home that would be one thing. (And the solution would be to move her to a facility or get someone to stay with her so she doesn't need to keep you awake all night). But your mother is in a medical facility, where she belongs. They can attend to all of her medical (and other needs) right there, unless it's a true emergency.

You have your own needs, and are entitled (and obligated) to attend to them. Your needs include getting uninterrupted sleep every night so you can function at work and in your life, and not driving in the middle of the night where you could cause an accident.

Your mother is worried and scared and she'd like you to be there 24/7. That's not possible. She lives there. You don't, and can't. Tell her until it sinks in that she needs to ring the nursing staff with all her issues at night, and they will call you if it's an emergency.

Yes, thank you everyone.
I just got off the phone (I picked it up because I thought it was the nurse calling me back after checking in on mom) and my mother said "why are you doing this to me?".
I told her "what am Indoing to you?".
I also told her that calling me in the middle of the night for things is causing me a lot of stress & it's affecting my health & to please not do this anymore".
She said "you put me here".
I said "I put you there?".
She said "yes, you did"..
I told her "good night mom & I hung up"..
She has since called 3 times since I started writing this.
I'm going to take advice here & leave my phone in another room & get some sleep.

Rehab is temporary. What is her condition and where will she be going? Those are the questions to worry about. If she has chest pain, she does not need you to run over with aspirin, she needs 911.....rehab would now how to handle a real case.

Visit her, get your rest, keep up with your health, work, life....draw your boundaries so you have the strength for the next phase of issues

Hangingon61, I know how hard this is for you. Mom AND dad called me several times yesterday. I let it go to voicemail. I took one day to myself to relax. When I listened to the messages it upset me. I am getting better at handling it after my consultation with their geriatric psychiatrist. He gave me permission not to answer the phone. The nurse is always with them and can reach me in a true emergency. She texts me that they are fine. Mom's messages are not nice, believe me. She is confused and aphasic. The latest one was her shouting at me to call my daughter, meaning her. She gets mixed up.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your mother is manipulating you. Apparently she has done so before -- with success -- or she would not be doing it now.

Hanging up on you is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE behavior. It is psychological abuse.

So is interrupting your sleep, by the way. In many countries, deliberate sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Not only should you alert the nurses & social worker at her rehab facility, you should be making arrangements for her to live elsewhere when the rehab episode is over.

I guess I am luckier in this respect Mum has lost the ability to use the phone except for ringing 999. And she won't ring that because they just might cart her off to a hospital.

Everyone is right - sleep deprivation is THE worst enemy of the caregiver/relative. You cannot function once that sets in even if you think you can. Turn off your tv turn off your phone and sleep.

If the very very worst were to happen you could do nothing to change that except that you would be there but you must be ready to forgive yourself on that one.

You know your Mum is in safe hands, you know her health is being looked after. make the most of it and rest. xx

Hangingon61: I'm not sure if this will help or not, but here goes. When my mom was first in the facility, I had a phone put in her room for her. All went well at first, because she wasn't too bad (dementia), but then she got worse over time. She would make calls to Florida, California, not even realizing this. I asked her why she made the calls (but couldn't answer because she didn't know). One day I disconnected her phone (from the outlet in the wall). She would make "calls" and one day told me her phone was broken, so I told her I would "look into it". She forgot after a while anyway, so when she didn't care about the phone anymore, I had it taken out altogether. It was easier to just "play" along because I knew she couldn't help the way she was, it was the ugly dementia. I had to adapt to her changes so that I could stay sane (some days were easier than others). I hope this can help resolve some issue for you - even if it's temporary. I also would go see her almost every day after work, and during the weekends I could visit different times. I adjusted my schedule to fit hers as well as my own family at the time, but I got pretty run down for a time. I guess you just have to do what you can and re-charge yourself whenever you find time. Someone told me to take a few minutes whenever possible just to relax, go for a walk, call a friend, whatever. It helped a little along with the fact that I pretended with her about things and we went down "Memory Lane" a lot - visiting her in her world was better than trying to get her to fit in the real world. Good luck and God bless.

I agree - sleep. You need it. Don't skimp on it.

A couple of things to add:

1. Have you told the staff at the rehab facility about your mother's calls? I think/hope you'd find them sympathetic, and they might be able to help by, for example, giving your mother extra reassurance, especially at night time. It might even be appropriate to consider disconnecting your mother's phone outside normal social hours, but you'd want to talk that one through with them.

2. Do your best not to take your mother's actual words to heart: it is very unlikely that she herself believes what she is saying, and neither should you. Objectively, you are not responsible for her needing to be in rehab, and you are most certainly not responsible for her safe management while she is there. It is natural that you are constantly anxious about her - of course you are, how could you not be? - but it sounds as if you could do with help to manage your anxiety better so that it is not so destructive to your own day-to-day life and, crucially, therefore your ability to give your mother the practical and moral support that she needs. In other words, the better you feel, the better the care you can give her.

My mother was in rehab for nearly a month last year. I sympathise with the desire to stay involved in hands-on care, and I'm not saying you shouldn't; but I think you should consider making your evening visits shorter. I say that for two main reasons: firstly, shorter visits will be more upbeat and more focused, not least because you will free up at least a short period of time to yourself to relax and recover at home; whereas stretching them out to the last possible minute is subject to the law of diminishing returns - your mother isn't getting any additional benefit from the third or fourth hour that you're there; it may even be counterproductive.

Secondly, if you're there until very late in the evening you're not giving the rehab staff a chance to get your mother settled for the night. There is a fine line to be trodden between being helpful and supportive, and getting in their way - make sure you're not stopping them doing their job.

So two things to work on: timetabling mother-related activities so that they don't overwhelm everything else you need to do; and developing a really good working relationship with the rehab staff so that your mother's care is a team effort.

Finally, don't worry about worrying! You can very easily get yourself into a proper tailspin, where feeling anxious about your mother's welfare - which is only natural - leads to disproportionate anxiety about whether you are doing enough to "save" her - which is deeply unhelpful to both of you. God knows I'm no therapist, but I think you'd find it useful to unpack all those fears and worries, and sort them out into those you can act on, and those nobody can do anything to change.

Big hugs to you, this is a rough, tough time to be going through and I know we all feel for you. Please let us know how you and your mother are getting on.

Hangingon, the fact that there have been so many responses to your question in only three hours tells you that this is a common problem. My mom is 89, in AL but moving to memory care very soon, and for the last several months has been calling to yell and hang up on me several times each day. At first it was just me, then she began also calling her elderly sister. She has a cell phone, so I had the cell company de-activate her phone (we wanted to change plans and her old phone was not compatible with the new plan, anyway). The staff at her AL was aware of this. It took her just a couple of hours to realize that the phone was not working. The plan was to stretch out the "repair" long enough that she would forget about having a phone. I waited a whole day, went out to get the phone and told her that it would take a day or two to get it fixed. Of course, with dementia she couldn't remember any of this but she could remember that she didn't have a working phone! The staff made several fake phone calls to me and told her I would be bringing the phone back soon. By the second day she was becoming physically aggressive with the other residents and the staff, so I bought her a new phone and brought it out to her. One of her first calls to me (on the new phone) was a message "When are you going to bring my phone back to me?" Some times you just have to laugh.

The calls became even more frequent and more angry. I took her to a psychiatrist asking for a med change, but he refused citing side effects. Her PCP gave me a long lecture about looking for changes in her environment, new staff, etc that might be causing her agitation. No, Doctor, the staff is great and I can set my watch by when they come to get her for an activity (several times each day) because the calls stop for a while. He also cited side effects and refused meds. I finally called her neurologist, and fortunately his mother had also suffered from Alzheimer's and he was very understanding. He started her on Seroquel yesterday and I am hoping it works.

Meanwhile, I have stopped answering her calls. I answer one call each day, allow her to yell at me and hang up, and then no more. The calls are affecting me physically, and coming to this site and reading other answers about setting boundaries gives me the spine I need to ignore the calls. Last Sunday the count was 21 calls, and yesterday there were 18. So far today there have been six, and it is only 10am. I still feel the stress each time the phone rings, (I work from home so I can't turn the phone off) but I am hoping that the drugs help and that I can establish a routine that helps me cope. She is at an activity now, so I can relax a bit and visit the Aging Care site. I am trying very hard to follow the advice of everyone on this site and take care of myself first.

Hangingon61, I know it is tough not to worry about your Mom, since your her only child you have no one to bounce off ideas. So welcome to this forum, we will be your adopted siblings that you can talk to, pass around ideas, etc.

First thing I noticed, and so had others, you are visiting too much and for too long. Cut the visit to 7:30 to 8.55 and tell Mom the visiting hours have been cut back and visitors have to leave at 9:00 pm. Then start visiting every other day.

Ask the Staff when does Mom sleep? She could be a night owl, thus the reason for the wee hour telephone calls. If Mom sleeps during the day, have the Staff try to keep her awake during the day, except for an occasional nap, that way hopefully Mom will sleep through the night.

Does she normally live with you, or is this a new and temporary situation? If Mom can dial your number repeatedly, she can push the button for the nurse. A nurse or aide can certainly get to her faster than you could!
And do you visit every single day from 7-11?? You must be exhausted!
Most likely this is the dementia talking, and tho that doesn't make you feel better, think that you're not taking calls from "the dementia"..not your mom.
You are NOT being horribly selfish. I feel for anyone who is the only caregiver. Tell her goodnight, turn off your phone and go home to bed. Do you have a landline that can be called in emergency from the rehab place ONLY? You could get a cheap pre-paid cell phone and only they have THAT number and then you can sleep, knowing you'd get the important message and not all the hysterical "help me now" calls from mom.

Ah, the phone. I could go on for hours about the negative effects my mom, her situation and the phone calling had/has on me! I've been looking after my mom for five years now - My mom had been showing signs of dementia for a while but I knew next to nothing about the disease and didn't recognize the beggining signs - plus mom was abusing oxycodone and she's a master manipulator so things were complicated. So about 1 1/2 years ago she started calling in the middle of the night to ask me if it was 3:00 in the morning or afternoon. No matter what I did by ways of helping her identify am or pm worked. I think everyone can agree what a ring phone in the middle of the night can do to your nerves. After several months the calling slowed down - I think she actually realized she was bringing attention to her deminishing mental capacity and didn't want me pushing a move from her current Independent Living situation. Then in late August she had a fall that resulted in four days in the hospital and then off to rehab for three weeks. The first night in rehab she called at 10:30pm having an epic meltdown. She wanted me to come get her and take her back to her apartment - when I said I wouldn't do that all hell broke loose! Mom started screaming at me, calling me every name in the book, I was no longer her daughter etc. moms room mate was in the background yelling at mom to shut up - it was a nightmare. In hindsight I don't understand why the rehab didn't step in - mom had to be disrupting the entire wing. Anyhow - that marked when the phone calling really got out of hand. Everyday it was mom - either angry or pathetic - even though I visited every other day. Doctors, PT, social worker, my brother, moms friends, the regular caregiver, the caregiver agency, on and on. My husband and I had planned a 3-day trip to the beach, I had notified everyone I was going and still people called. Every day for 49 straight days I got calls - hours on the phone by day, hysterical calls from mom at night. At a point mom was moved from rehab into AL - she didn't make 10 days until she fell - we had to move her to a NH, the call from mom that first night made the rehab call look like a picnic. By mid November I was nearing a complete break down. Every time the phone rang I would practically get sick - a few times I did. It was only after finding this site and taking the advice of the wonderful people her - plus a rx for an anxiety med that I finally was able to get a grip. I stopped picking up the phone everytime it rang. I learned to trust the staff at the NH - mom was safe, well taken care of and allowing her to verbally abuse and berate me wasn't going to change her needs or situation. Moms most recent attempt was a few days before Christmas. She called in the morning to see if I would be over - "no" I said, I had Christmas shopping to do. Later that afternoon she called again - in her most helpless voice she said she had had an accident - "it was like diarrhea - it was everywhere". She wanted me to come help her clean it up. "No mom, I'm not going to do that. Did you push your call button for help?" No - she hadn't. I told her to push the button and they would come help her. Ever so weakly she said "I'll try". I called the NH - told then what she said, hung up and went shopping. Granted the holiday spirit had long left me at that point but I felt good at standing my ground. I'll never know if she actually had an accident or if it was a ploy to get me over there - I never asked, I never will. Mom gave me the silent treatment for a week after that along with plenty of dirty looks - but she hasn't called me since. I'm still visiting - reduced to 2x a week for about 90 minutes each. I talk to her doctors etc on my schedule - if I feel like picking up the phone I do - if not, I listen to the message when I'm ready. I feel so much better than I did two months ago - I can't tell you! Please - get ahold of yourself and the situation before it completely gets ahold of you. See your doctor, get counseling, turn off the phone if you can't resist picking it up. Do whatever it takes. Save yourself!

Akdaughter - I don't know if your phones will allow for this - if not given your situation it might be worth looking into - my mom has her own ringtone and the NH has their own. Plus I obliterated any trace of my landline from my moms phone books and she only has my cell - which helps with not waking my son and hubby at night when the phone rings. Also my cell allows for temporarily or regularly blocking calls from specific callers. You've probably already considered this but thought I'd mention it anyhow. You have my sympathies for sure!

Yes, thank you so much to everyone w/their great advice & support.
My mom is in the rehab place because she fell 3 wks ago.
She was living alone w/one of my little dogs, got extremely dizzy (she was using her walker) & on her way to the living room, she fell backwards.
Landed on her behind.
She managed to crawl back to her bedroom, where she found her cell phone & called me to tell me she had fallen.
I live 5 mins away so when I got there I found her sitting on her bed, no pants on & covered in feces.
The poop was in her dresser drawer that's next to her bed, on the floor, along w/urine.
She had taken a laxative the day before & I think she was trying to go in the bucket she kept near her bed, and fell doing that..
Because when I was there I noticed her walker was far away, not even in the same room where she said she had fallen (in TV/living room).

Feces were ground into her feet & hands (ugh!!).

I couldn't get her out to the couch to clean up her room, so I called paramedics who took mom to hospital ER.

They admitted her for 3 days after which she then was transferred to the rehab home.

Mom has not been diagnosed w/any Dimentia or Alzheimer's but that episode (finding her sitting in the poop makes me think otherwise.)

She has turned down the suggestion of the head nurse there @ the rehab home to see a Phyciatrist for an evaluation.

She said "I'm not like these other women here, I don't belong here, there's nothing wrong w/my mind, it's my body that gave out on me, so after I get my strength back w/therapy, I'm going back to my house".

My mother didn't grow up knowing her bio father so she has very little medical history on him, only thing she knows for sure is that he "had a bad back & lots of arthritis"..

I'm really worried now because today I spoke to my Kim & she said "I'm going home next week"..
I spoke w/the head nurse & told her what my mom had said, she told me that the "anticipated" date for her release would be 1/22. (Not next week).
And that is continent on her getting strong enough to walk using her walker & having better balance.

I asked the nurse if she would find out if my mom could have someone come in on a daily basis to look in on her, help w/bathing, etc & her having Medicaid, would they (Medicaid) pay for that since my mom can't afford to self pay.

Nurse said since she already has Medicaid, she'll likely be a candidate for some kind of home visits from thru the Dept of Aging.

This site and all of you who took time out of your own busy, hectic days to write a response has been a Godsend.

I do feel a "kinship" w/you all & I'm gaining strength from your words of advice & encouragement.
God bless you all.

Oh your poor mother! I wouldn't worry so very much about the dreadful bathroom accident. If she overdid it a bit with the laxatives you can imagine her panic - and then it would be a case of "more haste, less speed" (and a terrible mess). What a nasty thing to have happened, for both of you.

It sounds as if the staff do have a good handle on things, which is great - that means you can concentrate on being your mother's cheerer-upper and cheerleader and have confidence in them to do the actual nursing. Best of luck, I hope she makes good progress and this proves an opportunity to get a sound care package in place for the future. Keep updating, hugs.

I don't mean to dwell on the awful parts of this but I want to be sure I understand - was there actually poop IN the dresser drawer - as if it was placed there on purpose or maybe was it a smear from her hand maybe using the drawer as a handhold for leverage? I only ask as it could make a big difference in state of mind. Also did the nurse suggest a psych evaluation based on a concern or was it a matter of routine?

Yes, the phone call problem, I know how mentally taxing that can be. I hope you can find a way to resolve that for your own well being.
I think I have PTSD from my mother's constant calls, messages and voice mail. It felt like harassment. She's been in rehab a couple of times, for almost 3 months at a time, and the phone calls and messages were the worst then. She'd call about all the stupid, trivial errand running she wanted me to do. I wanted to rip my phone out of the wall. (If I didn't answer the phone, there's be all of the messages, saying the same thing over and over, and the guilt tripping from my sister) There were times when I called her in rehab and asked her some questions and she'd shriek at me and say things that didn't make any sense. I wished I talked to someone at the facility about her phone use. There were times when she couldn't get me, so she kept calling my daughter when she was at work or when she was away at school. So I blocked my mother's phone number from my daughter's cell phone. (My mother didn't like that.)

HangingOn61, I bet your mom does have dementia. That level of poor problem solving and not using her walker is not what would happen to most people who had a bowel incontinence. Just because she thinks she is mentally OK does not mean she really is... Can you at least get someone to do a mini-mental status exam (MMSE) or a Montreal on her She may need more help that she thinks she does and may try to refuse it, and you need to know if she can be expected to make reasonable decisions and judgements or not.

And the phone calls - I got my Mom a Jitterbug, and every now and then I'd get a wildly inapproprite call, She once got me out of rounds to ask me to get her more briefs because her closet was empty. Bear in mind I am 15 hours away...it was hard to get her to ask the staff instead but we managed to get there. Most residents did not have phone access for just this reason, but as awkward as it was, I remember feeling both sad and relieved when she could no longer sequence all the steps to use the phone anymore. We left it on her dresser even though we deactivated the account just so she would not worry it was missing...
I guess if I was getting yelled at every time I'd stop answering and just call her at a certain time once a day - I did have to cut back from daily in-person visits because of all the verbal abuse and scolding I got when it was taken for granted I would be there no matter what. It is important for them to learn they can ask the staff for help and get it if the possibly can learn that, sometimes with a lot of repetition they can. There were times I would call staff and say hey my mom needs such and such, or she thinks such and such and I know it isn't right, could you help reassure her. My mom knew I cared and was staying involved, and that was the best I could do, long distance or even after I moved her closer.

HangingOn - I keep thinking about you and your situation. The other thing I am wondering about is the long rehab stay. Did your mom break anything, hurt her back etc when she fell? Why is it taking so long for her "to get her strength up" and balance? I realize she's 80 but if I'm counting correctly - a five week stay in rehab for a non injury fall is a long time. Especially the way Medicaid/Medicare pushes people out the door these days if there is no specific medical issue. In my experience with rehab - they'd say she can build her strength at home! What else is happening medically - is there a medical reason she could be exhibiting dementia like symptoms?
I missed many huge waving red flags in regards to my moms dementia - A substitute in home caregiver called me to say she had found my mother covered head to toe in feces - (the regular caregiver fessed up that that had happened a few times before but my mom told her not to tell me) When asked mom said she was just changing her Depends - this was when the seriousness of her situation slapped me. It's how I found this site - googleing "fecal incotinence". My moms dementia simmered for years but hit a rolling boil overnight - literally - brought on by a fall. Before your mom gets released from rehab be sure of what your dealing with.

The reason she pushes your buttons is because she installed them and knows exactly where they are.

Go to see her 2x/week for 1 hour and change the phone # (give it to the staff in case of a real emergency).

Get up and go home the moment she starts ranting and raving during your visits.

Both of you have deep-seated, Siamese-twin separation issues that have to be addressed. You're going out of your way to make sure she's okay; she's being vindictive, manipulative, and cruel.

My mom calls me several times a week, begging me to stay home from work telling me that she is having a nervous breakdown, etc. Then she switches to guilt- wait until I am 74, (yes she is only 74) Ill feel bad about the way I am treating her...on and on. If I dont answer the phone at 6 am because I am in bed or in the shower, she shows up at my door, waking up my hub and teen daughter, telling me she cant rely on me what if she was laying on the floor passed out?

Point of my story, lol, yes there is one.

BE FIRM

Maybe tell your mom:

Yes mom, you are there to get help. All of these phone calls only reinforce that it was the right decision. I love you, but I am going to bed. I will talk to you tomorrow. Good night.
or
Mom, it scares me that you are calling me so much, if you need this level of care and reassurance, how are you ever going to come home?

I dont know what kind of phone you have, but on mine, I can set a do not disturb, with numbers that can get through, while the rest are blocked. Maybe tell her that you are setting a do not disturb, but will allow the number from the nurses station to come through, so that the nurse herself will have to call you if you are needed. This way she will have to go through the nurse to get her needs met and the nurse can triage what needs your attention and what they are being paid to handle.
Also maybe get the social worker involved?
Good luck, I feel your pain!!

Um, I saw my psychiatrist today and he said that a psych eval was routine in situations like your mother's. Well--in my state anyway. She doesn't have to agree to one if she is deemed to be unable to care for herself (and she has proved that pretty well). Psych docs don't walk around in white coats muttering "Hm, and how do you feel about that?" My psych doc wear Hawaiian shirts and is as personable as they come. He does do in-hospital evals all the time and I am sure the person he's working with doesn't even know it.
Having a solid KNOWLEDGE of why a person acts the way they do can help you to be more compassionate, and also help to realize some behaviors--well, that's just how they are. We can't medicate away meanness or hate, but maybe we can calm it down. Your mother makes mine look like a saint. Mother threw a bedpan at me while she was in a NH and I stood there and laughed my head off, it was so absurd. She saw a psych dr while she was there and didn't even know it. For your sake--I hope you can move her to a facility permanently.

Rainmom, my mom has been in rehab for 22 days now (not 5 wks).
She does have (untreated) breast cancer, also Asthma but her serious medical issue right now has been the constant dizziness/imbalance issues.
She has been getting physical therapy almost every day to build up her strength so she can go back to at least walking using her walker.
The fall really hurt her backside so she's getting transdermal pain patch every day too.
She also getting vestibular therapy because the head nurse thinks that may help w/her imbalance, and it's slowly helping but not 100%.

The phone calls have stopped (at late hours/early am) and I haven't been to see mom for 2 days now.
Talked to her earlier & told her I'll be by tomorrow.
She was OK w/that, no hassle or put downs..

Whenever you can and as often as you can, take your mom outdoors or outside the facility and have her exposed to sunlight for about 15-20 minutes. You can sit with her and also soak in the sunshine as this will help benefit you too as her caregiver. The sun and the fresh air has many healing properties just google it and youtube it. Whenever i go visit my grandpa in nursing home, i make it a priority to also make sure he gets sunlight and fresh air outdoors. It improves the quality of his life and i noticed i have more energy as well and i sleep better and i can cope more. The sun is medicine, it is free, and available to everyone.