Am I being too needy?

I've been married 44 years. Nagging never works, they just dig in and get grumpy. Forget nagging. Yelling also drives him away. Demanding a night drives him away. Reward good behavior, say please and thank you often. Ask questions "Could you change the light bulb?" instead of "I've asked you a dozen times to change the light bulb!" You have to make him want to come back. Courtship never ends, even after 44 years. Kiss him for no reason. It works.

If it is something you are capable of accomplishing just go ahead and do it and don't mention it. He will see it and be grateful even if he doesn't say anything. As Pam says give him a hug or a back rub you"ll be surprised what may happen. Be someone he wants to spend time with. He is not going to stop answering his fathers calls so sympathize and give him a hug and tell him you missed him when he returns. This won't go on forever so if before his parents became a burden he was a normal affectionate man he will be back if not he isn't going to change so decide what you want to do with the rest of your life.

There are many things going on here and of course without both sides of the story it's not simple to advise. My best suggestion is for you to make an appointment with a counselor and go either together or by yourself. You need to understand what's going on and how to cope with it. there is a bit of a power struggle going on and I see boundary issues from all sides. Ideally a joint counselor session would be best so he can hear your side and visa versa. Who knows how long your FIL will live, but if it's many many more years, the way this is going, I can see future cracks in your marriage. Your marriage IS a priority and you have a right to a good relationship with your husband. Perhaps there's many reasons why your husband can't set boundaries...he may not even know he is supposed to. He's probably very torn on how to handle both of you and it can be quite hard on him. But the yelling and arguing will get you nowhere...counseling to me is money well spent.

Both of you need couples therapy. Then you two need to set boundaries for your father-in-law, and stick with them (I mean written so there are no excuses about what was said). Then instead of continuing to argue about what needs to be done around your house, if your husband doesn't want to do jobs, hire someone or do them yourself. You always have choices! If you "understood" about both men's grief about the passing of their beloved wife/mother you would allow them to grieve in their own time frame. Each of us does not have a timetable when one can shut off the pain. Either you give both of them more time, resolve your conflicts by compromise, or decide if you still want to be married. You always have choices!

I can empathize and understand your concerns. You are not being needy. This is a difficult time for you, and everyone connected to your family in-laws, etc. The suggestions you have stated are very reasonable. You seem like a very loving wife and daughter in law. I am a nurse and have been caring for my parents for almost 20 years. My Mom had dementia and started needing help in 1999. They tried assisted living, but my Mom being the social butterfly and my Dad very isolative and seclusive, my Mom was unable to participate due to her inappropriate personality (result of dementia) my Dad became extremely depressed and wanted to leave assisted living after being there 2 months. They had sold their house after 40 years to move into assisted living. Well, as it happened, the lot next door to my house was for sale, my Dad bought the lot, and they built a house next to my husband , daughter and myself. I'm the youngest, the daughter. And the nurse. Perfect sense right? When my daughter got out of diapers, my mom needed them. For several years, I woke up at 5:00am, went to my parents, toileted, showered fed my mom and made it to work by 7:00 am. Got home around 7:00pm, went over, fed, changed, helped with daily activities. My Mom died,was released from her external body and Mind on 2/13/03. No service, cremated. I hardly mourned because I had been pre-grieving for many years. After my Mom died my Dad has become increasingly depressed, isolative. It's been 13 years of being witness to his sadness, and his wishes to join his beloved wife. He's 91 now. Naturally elderly become weaker, loose appetite become dehydrated....I could list hundred if not thousands of stages of aging process. I have been totally consumed with dealing with how to help him. I cry every day thinking this will be the day I find him dead. He has fallen a few times and have passed out this past year. I actually had our priest perform last rights in him 6 months ago. Next day he was watching TV and eating pizza. It is a roller coaster ride with emotions. My husband has been very supportive and has helped me significantly over the years. The dynamics of our relationship has changed, as every relationship does. I can tell you I have often become "paralyzed" in my home due to knowing any second I may be called over to help my dad. I am totally consumed by this. I do not often eat, do laundry, even shower because the grief is overwhelming. I'm sorry your going thru this. This forum is great to vent, and share experiences with others. I do not disagree with therapy if that is helpful, but taking care of aging parents, cannot be fully understood unless you go thru it. Please remember "no storm lasts forever" and we "0wn a soul, but borrow a body". We learn by our experiences, and failures. That helps us learn our lessons in life. Yes it is hard. Yes there is sadness. Yes this affects our mental, physical and social health. Although I am not suicidsl I often think my dad will out live me and my only way out is through my own demise. I'm 53. This has consumed about a third of my life. My daughter is 20 years old and off to college. There as of today no "empty nest phase" for my husband and I. My comfort is that I know in my heart, although SO hard, that maybe this id my life purpose. Maybe I can help others with my shared experiences. Hang in there. I hope you visit this forum regularly because it does help. We do the best we can. Best wishes

You are not too needy. You have to figure working other people into your equation. It will take few dollars. I would try to hire a handyman for must do projects. I found a wonderful woman to clean my home (after 5 not so great ones) My house being clean made me feel less pressure and freed me up to do the husband projects. Try to get father in law on a schedule. For example: see him every Tuesday and/or Thursday at the same time so he feels some sort of routine. When he calls odd times ask your husband /FIL if it can wait till the next visit or you go instead of husband. If he thinks you will come rather than his son maybe he won't ask as often. I asked a neighbor (not super close but kind) to check in on my MIL when she couldn't figure out the remote...she never had that problem again. The loving kindness between you and husband needs to be rekindled. Be happy he is a caregiver sooner or later it will be your turn to be cared for just not now. Good Luck

lonely, I think I am just the kind of person you are. I totally understand. The kinds of advice above are just what you should do, AND are so hard to get going with! You have a few types of grieving going on, so does your husband. Have you gone to a counselor before? It's a great way to get your feelings out, and start building up new outlooks/approaches. 'Just do..' is kind of difficult and takes a lot longer on your own. Enlist some support, and you can learn to be more 'there' for yourself and for him. Why not turn a new page! Best wishes.

Does your brother in law live close by? If so, you could try enlisting him, or see if you could get your husband to enlist him, in helping out one night a week, or every other week, or one weekend a month, so you and your husband could have together time. Just a thought. Sometimes it takes a whole family to care for an aged parent. Also, everyone's right about you taking charge of those things at home. Do them your way. Hire a handyman. Less to argue about and you might be surprised by how your husband reacts. You taking pressure off him is a kindness, and it also takes pressure off you. Sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

I agree you need to set boundries. Your husband is going to wear himself out. Maybe its time to look into a Senior living facility. My SILs Mother pays about $2000 a month. Meals are included. There r activities and bus trips. Also a bus is provided for shopping.

You are a very understanding spouse, it's human nature to feel that way. But I think its a sad time when one has to make a choice which love one to take care of especially when still grieving. I always believed that taking care of aging parents is a family affair. Planned to envite all your brother or sister in law and discussed arrangements on on how to deal with your elderly FIL. Not only he is lonely and probably exhibiting dimentia symptoms, he probably does not need to be alone.This is the time family member should look after each other to prevent burnout and resentment. And if its your husband turn to take care of your FIL, I think if you have to deal with it together, your husband will love you more knowing you got his back and that you also care for your FIL. After all it takes a village! God Bless.