Hello,
I am new to the forum and looking for opinions on my current situation. Over 1 year ago my grandfather died leaving behind my grandmother who has stage 5 Alzheimer’s disease and their elderly dog. They have significant assets and a rural home with land. They have 3 children, all women including my mom who still works.
after Grandads death my wife and I (childless and in our late 30s) received a phone call from my mother in tears crying that she needed me to move in with grandma because “ I can’t do it I need to work etc.
at the time my wife and I lived in a town 2 hours away. My wife has a great corporate job (fully remote) and I have been recovering from a major accident that’s required multiple surgeries (I’m out on disability) we had a lovely apartment in town with a robust social life and lots of community connections. Our lease was up so we agreed to make the move and do our part to help out. The family was overjoyed with the news we would be moving in with grandma to help. Everyone in the family all said how much they would help out and give us breaks as needed.
Awesome, right? Yeah not at all.
its been 1 year and I have provided around the clock supervision/care while my wife works 50 hour weeks in the home office. I get around on crutches and have constant pain and suffering of my own. In the past year I have had 2 major surgeries one of which was donating a kidney to my dying best friend (he is doing incredible)
I was hospitalized for 3 days after and required at home care from my wife when I got home. Grandma stayed with mom. The 3 days I was hospitalized. When I got back to grandmas house from the hospital mom was waiting in the house, having just gotten there with grandma. She immediately left and said she had to get to a dinner party. WTF? I just had major surgery and now I have to be full time caregiver as soon as I’m home? I was in extreme pain and needed help just to use the toilet. I somehow managed to take care of grandma while in extreme pain myself (wife absolutely had to work, so she helped as much as she could.
my family has been completely useless with helping out. They do almost nothing to help us and have essentially put us in a position where we provide 24/7 care for their demented mother. Grandma also has Bipolar disorder and was a wretched person and a horrible abusive mother. She is extremely difficult to deal with and honestly I have grown to not enjoy being around her because she is so difficult.
here is the kicker. We don’t get paid anything for all our help. Not a single penny for 24/7 care of a difficult elderly woman with advanced Alzheimer’s disease. Years ago my grandfather told everyone that he had written all the grandchildren out of the will because he wanted his kids to get everything. None of us cared because we all have our own money and success and our grandfather was kind of a bully and used manipulation tactics often.
now here we are providing 24/7 care to an abuser for free (mom and her siblings justify it in their opinions because we live rent free, LOL, the house is a run down old dump that I have always hated, it will be torn down when they sell it, the land however is gorgeous and worth a small fortune)
my question for all of you is this:
are we being taken advantage of (I think so)
what would you guys do in this situation?
thanks!
Maybe you want validation that you are.
First I am surprised if you are on disability that they would allow you to donate a kidney and that you would considering the trauma you have been through but that is not what your post is about....
1. You and your wife should be getting paid to care for grandma.
2. If you are done caring for grandma let the rest of the family know that other arrangements have to be made and that you are going to move on.....and give them a date.
several things could happen.
1. Grandma's house and land can be sold to provide her with care in a MC facility.
2.Caregivers can be hired to come in and care for grandma if the land is sold and she retains the house.
3.Some other family member can come in and do what you have been doing.
Do not assume for 1 minute that you will get any inheritance. If family has not stepped up to help you at this juncture I think they have all mentally spent their inheritance and are just waiting ...
You and your wife need to do what you need to do to further your life and make the best for yourselves.
Give mom your 2 weeks notice and get back to your own lives, you deserve to.
Grandma needs to be in Memory Care Assisted Living and everyone knows that. But her children, to save their "inheritance", figured they'd snooker you into doing the awful job for free and then tell you how Lucky you are for getting free rent in a dump. The going rate for caregivers is $30 per hour.
Bravo to you for donating your kidney to your best friend! You did an amazing thing and I hope you're paid back in many blessings moving forward.
Best of luck to you.
You say Grandma was an awful person. You say she has financial means. You say you have financial means. You say you are mostly burned out or tired of working for her for free. Totally reasonable.
Is anyone her PoA? This would be an important piece of info to know. Whoever is her PoA needs to activate the authority per the PoA document (based upon Grandma having later-stage ALZ). Then this is the person making the caregiving decision and you can exit no matter if it disappoints them or not.
If no one is her PoA then you (or someone else) can consider pursuing legal guardianship for her, and then you can manage her affairs, transition her into a facility for proper care, etc.
Or, inform your Mom and Aunts that you and wife are 100% done with the caregiving because you don't want to do it anymore. The move-out date is XX and no further discussion or negotiation. You will involve APS since your Mom is not really the solution, either. APS may result in Grandma getting a court-appointed legal guardian, so no more family involvement and Grandma gets the appropriate care she needs. You just have to be able to accept this type of solution.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you back out of this arrangement.
Shame on your selfish mother for going to a dinner party and expecting you to resume your indentured servitude to your grandmother as soon as you got back home from the hospital. It does seem to be a theme for you to give and give to others while setting yourself on fire in the process.
You should be getting paid via a contract to take care of grandma, this means you work 8 hours a day 5 days a week with 2 days off and her adult children need to hire 2 more caregivers to cover the other 8 hour shifts. This is if you want to stay in your self imposed slavery and ruin what is left of your health by doing the job of 3 people for free.
Better yet is for you to give your emancipation papers to your mother and the rest of the sorry lot of adults who thought this was a good idea and set a date when you will be moving out and they will need to find caregivers to take care of their mother or place her in a facility. This is 100% what you should do. And please only give them 30 days notice - no longer than that because they will come up with every excuse in the book to get you to continue this insanity. They don't care about you or your health and well being.
Family asked me to help aunt. I live out of state. No kids/Family. I did what I could, but they kind of expected me to move in with aunt and take care of her.
Mind you, the money I was spending to clean the house (incontinence) and feed her and run her to appointments, while they (family who live closer)did nothing. I mean nothing.
After I had taken my aunt to an appointment, she had a follow up appointment she needed to go to later that week. Well, I had to get back to my home and work, so I told my cousin that she had this appointment. My cousin says she has to work and can I stay longer to take aunt. I flat out refused and went home.
The more we do, the more people will attempt to get over. Mind you, I wasn't getting paid anything, either, and like you, I didn't enjoy being around my aunt with the yelling and being unable to calm her down for HOURS. YES. I SAID HOURS.
If you can, I suggest leaving and getting your life back.
I asked this very same question on this forum last year. I know what you're going through.
Also, aunt refuses to speak to me and says she's written me out of her will. I honestly do not care, so long as I have my freedom and health.
Give the family 2 weeks notice to place Grandma, or hire 24/7 caregivers.
Don't waste the prime of your lives in caregiver slavery.
I'd move back to my old town too. Lesson learned.
If You Mom and her siblings don't agree that you should get the lot trusted to you then - See ya bye - would be my next statement - and mean it! Pack up and leave! You are by no means obligated to care for grandma - She has assets and can be placed in a nice nursing home or they can hire someone full-time to care for her. That's what Her assets should be paying for. But since you're there - it makes sense to me that you would be solely named in the trust. At least that's what I would do if you were my son. I'm 68yrs old caring for my Dad who is 96yrs old with severe Lewy Body Dementia - Trust me - I know how hard this is and exactly what you and your wife are facing.
The best thing for you both is to get out - go get your life back ASAP!!! Assets, money, all that means nothing if you're miserable and life sucks! Go be happy! My Best Wishes to you and your wife!
The OP and his wife are getting nothing. They need to just cut their losses and go.
His mother and her siblings will likely end up putting the grandmother in memory care. If no one was available to move in and take care of her before, no one will be available to do it now either.
This forum saved my SANITY, and I am not kidding.
It taught me that I was allowed to CHANGE MY MIND and make other arrangements for my mother.
Anyway, it's time to move on. Tell your mother and her siblings that the free homecare gravy train you and your wife were providing for grandma has now come to a stop.
Find an apartment and tell the family what day you will be moving out. Then move and let that be the end of it. If they don't make another arrangement for grandma, abandon her and the state will take over.
Find an apartment in town and resume your previous life .
When you have found an apartment , You tell your mother and her siblings that you are done caregiving when you move out . Hopefully you can move out very soon. Tell them it’s gotten to be too much . They can sell grandmas land and place her in a facility since they don’t want take care of her. You are not stuck there . Grandma has assets to pay for care .
You should have been getting paid. They were counting on you staying while they reap all the benefits in the end with inheritance.
Moving further away is another option .
Hopefully you saved a pile of money in the one year on rent and utilities, learned what not to do when your mom shows signs of needing care and learned whether or not you like living in that part of the country.
Learning what not to do when mom needs care might be the greatest benefit of all.
Either way, count your blessings. Your caregiving is almost done and you and your wife can plan for your futures.
Wishing you a complete recovery.
Do look up tenant law for the county, state you are in.
ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
You will here find a great deal of advice and some will be a "fit" while some will be, to you, worthless. Take what you need and kick the rest to the curb. For myself I think that sympathy, much we might have it, doesn't really help people look realistically at their situations, which are almost ALWAYS of their own making.
No, you aren't being taken advantage of.
You are making very poor decisions.
You and your wife are adults. You are responsible for making your decisions for yourself.
It is time to explain to Grandmother's POA. You have asked what to do or what we would do in your situation:
So the letter goes:
Dear Cousin Bertie:
As POA for Grandmother I must let you know that we are leaving our caregiving position on __________(date. Make it at LEAST two months in future).
This will give you time to choose placement for grandmother or get in the help you choose for her continued care.
We recognize that it is our own fault that we didn't understand what was involved in caregiving, nor even know that we should have had a care contract to provide our services to grandmother. THAT is on US.
We wish you all good luck in future.
We will be moving on ________/ if by then you have not provided us with the names of qualified caretakers to replace us we will report grandmother for followup by APS.
You are not martyrs to fate. If you believe you are, I would ask that you consider how martyrs end. Generally filled with arrows or thrown on a funeral pyre to burn. Not a great job description.
Remember, you are an adult. Your choices in life are your own. WE ALL MAKE POOR CHOICES. They are often the best and surest way to learn. There is no shame in that. I truly wish you great good luck as you venture back out into your own lives.
It will probably be ignored but it will show them that you value yourself and performed work which should be taken seriously.
And at the same time give them notice. Two weeks would suffice. You cannot go on like this and prolong doing something you should not be doing.
Because the most important part is you take care of yourself, injury, surgeries require you concentrate on your own health.
One reason that your mom may be against assisted living is because if she does that, and all your grandmothers aaaets are wrapped up in the property, your grandmother could have to sign all her assets over to the state. However if your grandmother has other assets that can pay for her Care Home Stay (as my mother did) then she won’t need Medicaid and will retain her assets in full.
With that said, you need to tell the POA that you can no longer provide care as of a certain date.
You have done a lot for your family by being there as long as you have. It’s time for them to find a permanent solution.
Best of luck to you.
I'm so sorry that you left your life behind to accept this non-paid position.
I wish you hadn't. But, here you are now.
You say that you believe the grandparents have significant assets. Grandma can afford to hire round-the-clock care. Or whatever care she needs.
It sounds like your mother and aunts wish to save the money as their inheritance.
It is not theirs.
Have a good talk with your grandmother, and your mother. Explain that you can no longer do this. Your health and your family (wife) are just as important, or more important than extended family. Especially a grandparent who can afford to pay for professional care.
Then, leave! Go back to the city you loved. The life you loved. You do not need to feel guilty. This is not your job. You can visit your family and provide help as you wish on your terms. Remember: This was really unfair to your spouse. She has made sacrifices to do this with you. This kind of thing can break marriages.
Don't let that happen.
Do YOU believe you are being taken advantage of? and is that the real question? I think the question or comment here is that the burden of care/responsibilities has been placed on you/r wife although you took this on w/o compensation and believing family would be there to 'support you.' (No, didn't happen) so now what?
What I would do in this situation:
* 1st: Acknowledge your feelings . . . Pissed? Angry? Disappointed? (at times while in physical pain yourself) - all of the above?
* 2nd: Know who is 'in charge' re legal matters.
Hold a family meeting:
First: - Discuss w/your wife what you want to do, how you want to continue on, living there, if you want to do that. Be a united front.
1) Tell 'the family' (incl your mother ... who went to a dinner party) that the dynamics of the family 'support' unit need to change and this is 'the why' and 'the how'
2) Let them know the pain you've been in, if they do not know already, which they likely do ... the question that shouldn't need to be asked but is important: Why did you (all) expect me/us to handle everything, esp when I am recovering/in pain and my wife works 50 hours a week? See what they say.
Although you do not want to set up a defensive response, you want them to take responsibility for their actions and understand their reasoning/motives, or frankly lack of caring about you and their commitment to supporting you "helping out."
- In very clear language, tell them how they agreed to 'help out' before you moved in (and uprooted your life) and how things have gone (= no help).
Thus ... things need to change.
This is a contract or should be.
And ask for financial compensation.
- I presume this is your mother's mother. And, she may have legal authority / managing legal matters / financial matters? Flush that out.
- Would I ask for 'back pay' as a THANK YOU for all you/r wife did to this point? Perhaps. If $ isn't so much the issue, the pt will be driven home. Donate the $ to a non-profit if its agreed to provide. Certainly, from this pt forward, get $ compensation.
- If you need to hire a caregiver to support you - to care for grandma, who pays for that? Funds need to be/come available in the immediate future for these needs.
- What if you/r wife want to take time off for 1-2 weeks? Then what? Who makes these arrangements and with who? Family? outside caregivers?
It is always easy(ier) to look in from the outside in terms of what we would do.
I would be disgusted, hurt, angry. I'd leave unless a REALLY equitable situation for you and your wife is made. If the 'rest' of the family is too busy going to dinner parties ... then ensure there is funding available for caregivers ... if you decide to stay.
Living rent free? Frankly, that's BS (altho you agreed to it) not knowing how things would pan out -
Caregiving for a family member is WORK.
Caregiving for a family member is a RESPONSIBILITY.
Do / get what you want or tell them you will make plans to leave.
Give them 1-2 months or whatever is needed to make arrangements.
Perhaps Grandma needs to be moved into a high-end facility where she can get 24/7 care?
I wish you the best in deciding the quality of life you want for you and your wife. Know that if you decide to leave that this IN NO WAY means that you do not love your grandmother. Don't be guilt-tripped into that scenario. You've been a stellar, incredible grandson doing way beyond the call of duty.
Gena / Touch Matters
my mother was partially suffering from dimensia but after a few crazy weeks we hired someone using her money and it made all the difference for the time we spent with her
if you feel you really can’t leave get help do minute to minute obligations are covered by someone else and you could be “helping “ the aide.
if no one wants to use that money, you have no choice but to leave so you can take care of yourself
At your age, you should consider what everything may be doing to your physical and emotional health as well as your marriage and tell the family this is your justification to not continue as a 24/7 caregiver... In fact, maybe figure the going rate for a 24/7 caregiver and deduct the going rate for the rent and other expenses you are saving and ask for the difference in compensation!
If you are content with the basic living environment (outside of the caregiving) then consider writing a list of your needs, and if they aren't met then suggest you and your wife will be looking to move back to the city.
1. Respite care at least once a week where another family member takes over... perhaps the three children could take turns doing the weekends.
2. Using your grandmother's money to pay for a caregiver XX number of hours a week.
3. Whatever else you feel you need.
4. Remind them of "The family was overjoyed with the news we would be moving in with grandma to help. Everyone in the family all said how much they would help out and give us breaks as needed."
If you consider actually leaving be sure to offer to come back on occasion to help out just like "they" helped you! Time to tell them you need a break now and this may get some action. If you do something like this... put it in writing where you and they all sign whatever is agreed to be pull it out when everyone begins faltering again.
Remember that no one can use you unless you allow them.
Give your family a timeline ( it doesn’t even have to be two weeks) of when you and your wife are leaving and then stick to it.
Go home and heal.
You DO NOT need to discuss this. It’s NOT your problem what they will do. DO NOT rescue them. You have done enough. I absolve you of this burden. It’s time for you to take care of yourself.