If a family member comes by once a month, they think they are exerting maximum effort. I have been the sole 24/7 caretaker of mom for 25 years. There were 8 kids, I am the big sister. The only other sibling that helps is my youngest sister. I am nearly old enough to be her mom. Another sister, who lives just far enough away to be excused from duty, always tells me that I better get a life of my own, but of course never tells me how to do that when no one will hire or marry me at my age (75).
How do YOU feel about your current level of caregiving?
Is a gap appearing/widening between what you can do & what Mother needs? (Being honest & realistic if/when that happens is beneficial).
Regarding any lectures - these could stem from many many reasons. From the selfish, the bossy, the do-gooders to the concerned!
Eg Others are very happy you are providing the care & wish you to do even more (so they can slink back more).
Or, others may be concerned about you. Wish you would take more life for yourself?
The risks of giving advice to a caregiver.. they may take offence. I might be labelled the 'lecturer' I suppose! They are working so hard.. no time to look up & see the bigger picture. May think I am critisising, when my intention is to lighten their load 🤔
The 25-year caregiving stint might be interesting, because you will be assumed to jump right into caregiving for him when it becomes necessary.
And this: "She is planning to split the sale of the house between 8 siblings, whether they need it or not. I cannot say anything. I have always been the "other woman" and I am afraid that she will cut me out just to prove her power."
Don't you realize that YOU have had the power all along? She should have been paying you for taking care of her (and no, room and board doesn't count). You know you will be homeless once she dies and the house gets sold. If this was unacceptable to you, why on earth did you stay to give your sibs the money that would have been spent on your mother's care?
"My wealthy aunt died in 3 months after being put in an expensive facility. I don't trust those places at all."
So did you decide that your mother would never go to a facility? Did your sibs perhaps not have a problem with a facility for her, but you did, so that is why your insistence on being her fulltime caregiver? And why they refuse to help?
Your siblings remind me of my older sister. I was caretaking a disabled sibling after our mother passed, and my older sister tried to make it seem like I wasn't cooking when my younger sister had a home health aide that did the meal preps for my sister while I was at work. That one meal she fixed was to make up for all the years she didn't do a thing; and of course, she expected a gold star from my dad. It was like; look what I did daddy, I fixed a meal. Then to top it off, she started filing false reports with Adult Protective Services saying that she was my younger sister. APS called and I told them; nice. My disabled sister couldn't talk and she was downstairs with the nurse. These false calls went on for the time I was in that house until I landed a full time job, started the process to have my sister placed and moved out two weeks before placement. My dad had to bring his posterior home for those two weeks and deal with my sister. He got mad because I moved out, and he had to assume responsibility for his mess he created with the home. He had to learn how to become a responsible adult and to stop running out on people.
I wouldn't pay attention to their non involvement. I had the same thing with self-sacrificing. By God's grace, I landed a full time job and I had one of the most patient and intelligent supervisor. I had access to free counseling through my EAP. I took those counseling sessions for years. I read self-help books. I attended support groups. I had stored anger that sabotaged my career success, but for me, my supervisor was there to mentor me through my weakness points. We worked together for twenty-five years.
Family members have a way of paralyzing you with their nasty words and constant criticism. Please do not buy into their negativity. It's their guilt talking and they are trying to pass it off on you.
Have they walked in your shoes? Who are they to judge you? Next time sister tells you to get a life, ask her which days' she would like to cover for you?
Monday, Wednesday & Friday (every other weekend off)
or
Tuesday, Thursday and all the Holidays
It's never too late...people today get married at any age. Also, there are a lot of jobs that "prefer" mature workers because they show up, are on time and dress well and have good social skills. Don't ever underestimate having "wisdom".
I have earned these wrinkles and plan on being an "Elder of Excellence".
Perhaps, you could join the Y swim class, buy a new pair of sneakers, a bright lipstick and when Stella gets her groove back they'll probably say "she so self-consumed". Either way you're not going to win.
Every family is the same...a sense of humor gets you through it!
You sound like a great person who is responsible and Honors thy Mother and Father. I, too, am the eldest girl of large Irish-Catholic family. We all assume roles in the family and you can carve out this little piece of the pie for yourself but with the Pandemic, the flu season, the economy, there is so much unrest that you really to seek out a "happy place" and focus on the issue at hand which sounds like you are handling this perfectly.
When everything is said and done, perhaps you can take your dream trip. I am saving my pennies...you want to remain still standing when the dust settles.
I'm praying for your sister...Amen!
You and your one sister have been taking care of your mom for years! Out of 8 kids. Yes, I’m sure they do have excuses like too busy, too poor, too far away, too inconvenient, too much going on in their own lives. Yes. You had many of the same excuses, yet you did what you needed.
Tune them out or tell them its their turn. Then mean what you say and follow thru. Please don’t let others make you feel guilty. You have dedicated a chunk of your life to taking care of mom. What have they done?
In your case, your Mom is 101 years old. Quitting on her now would be fruitless by placing Mom in a senior facility. If at possible, if you and your sister can, keep taking care of your Mom. You don't mention if you are burnt out.
It doesn't matter now if you are 75, 76, or 77. You still have a chance of meeting someone. After my boss's wife had passed, he started dating, he was in his 80's. Join local clubs that are of interest. You never know who you will meet :)
I too get the impression that you did not want to place Mom. To be honest, I am surprised Mom is still here with suffering from Parkinson's. I would think her care now is too much for you at 75.
I really don't know what to say. I am 73 the Oldest of 4 children and a girl. I did try to caregive at 65 and found I wasn't a caregiver so Mom got placed in a nice AL where she did well.
You probably need a caregiver for yourself! You are too old to be doing this.
The next time a sibling criticizes, you need to have your mother dropped off at their house, so that you can "get a life of your own."
Op, get on one of those low income housing lists as soon as possible.
I was just thinking how much better off I'd have been if I had said, "this is bulls**t, not gonna do it, I quit", right in the middle of the project. Regardless of how it went down, I'd have been gone, in a new job by now, and in a better place.
Instead, I hung on, hoping for reason, hoping for something, and it was never gonna come. Drawing a line would have been so, so, so, much better. Now, I'm going to have to do that anyway, but with almost no leverage.
I am the youngest of 3, unmarried, have my own health issues and feel like I'm going to go bankrupt caring for my mom (with dementia) in my home. They are heartless and ignorant enough to assume there's some financial gain in this for me, not that I'm cutting years off my life to care for my mom. I suggest that you continue to do the best you can and try to find what brings you joy.
I would start looking at nursing homes since it's likely she could need one at some point.
its up to you to change the dynamic.
my husband’s financial decisions prior to his dementia. I have a stepson and our son together, the stepson is always telling me what to do yet sees his father maybe once a week, tells me to
look for another job. The younger one helps more but has 2 small children to
tale care of and they both work full time. We have to sell our house due to the stairs and affordability. I just hired a companion to stay with husband 4-5 hours when I am working. I take him to all his appointments and have to call out when he is sick. I do have intermittent FMLA so that guarantees my job . I am tired of people telling me what to do and offering no help.