Am I expecting too much from therapy?
I just started therapy today. It's by phone with the therapist I found who is covered with our insurance, which I guess is OK. I have never done therapy before so I don't 100 percent know what to expect, but I always pictured it as someone listening to me about my past and the problems I'm having and maybe asking questions about my feelings or whatever and helping me find ways to work through them. This lady basically went over some objectives and recommended some books. I can find, and have found, self-help books on my own. I don't feel like she did a lot of active listening as I said to her I have always struggled to set boundaries with my mom, and she calls me multiple times a day with every grievance she has that day, or calls me and just sort of uses me as background noise and doesn't actually have a conversation. I tried to tell her that my mom uses me as her main source of emotional support.
When I told her my mom calls a lot she said that was good because her mom was also in a nursing home and had Alzheimers and would not call so it was good that my mom was calling me.
Am I wrong to feel like this was not an appropriate response? 'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but she doesn't know the difficult history I've had with my mom and the calling itself isn't the problem, it's that she calls and calls and has little regard to whether I'm busy or sleeping or whatever, and the she expects me to be everything to her. She chose never to have any other relationships and I'm basically it.
Now this is just one small thing. There's way more to our relationship than that, but I feel like the therapist kind of invalidated my feelings about my mom calling so much by saying it was good she is calling me.
It puts stress on my relationship with my husband and son because they get sick of her calling multiple times with nothing new to say.
I know she is lonely and I can't just not talk to her but I do want to be able to set boundaries around it and many other things with her which is why I decided to get therapy.
Are my expectations too high for therapy? For those of you who have done it, is this normal? I want to have realistic expectations, but if this is how therapy is going to be I don't know that it will be helpful to me.
I've always been the type of person to who doesn't ask for help, and this is making me feel like maybe I was right.
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You might want to give her one more chance and if you feel she's still not listening or asking the right questions, then it's time to look for another.
I later went to a therapist with my husband who played soft, spacey, mood music, insisted we gaze into one another's eyes when we spoke, and had the lights so dim I couldn't even see anything. That ONE session lasted less than 20 minutes before I walked out on that quack.
Change therapists if you don't jell with this one. Trust me, I think one session is enough to know if you're going to click, and this didn't click. She won't care if you go elsewhere. Unfortunately, I think most therapists are doing it online nowadays, which is sad because they miss things like body language and just the personal connection with the client.
Still, find someone else and don't give up on therapy.
You really need a good therapist in your own area. One who will be proud to show you her qualifications to treat. You might also consider a Licensed Social Worker in private practice as a counselor. They are often very good at daily issues. If you get my meaning, you really aren't needing to go into the Freudian couch therapy of the olden days. You are needing guidance on how to set boundaries.
Speaking of recommending books Boundaries, by Henry Cloud is an easy read, and a good one full of anecdotes in which you will see situations similar to your own.
The first time you set boundaries clearly you will be very uncomfortable, very afraid of the reactions. As you do it more and more and more and stick to it it will become easier and easier.
I have learned to set a few with my mom, but I have a long, long way to go. I've always found it easier to just try to make her happy and avoid conflict with her, which isn't healthy, but sometimes easier for me.
Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.
First of all, I applaud you for seeking out therapy. Many of us have benefited from therapy.
I agree with you. It seems like your therapist wasn’t listening to your needs.
I do understand how your therapist feels about her own mom in a nursing home and she has a right to feel as she does. But you were there to discuss your mom and your life.
There is nothing wrong with switching therapist. What is your overall opinion of her?
Do you feel like you should give her another chance with a few more sessions or would you be more comfortable starting over fresh with someone else?
Years ago I went to a seminar on stress. It was held at a hospital near my home. This psychologist led a wonderful workshop. He was terrific in that setting but not as good in individual therapy sessions.
I was going through a difficult period regarding a particular health issue. We struggled for years to conceive a child. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety, so I decided to make an appointment with him.
I didn’t like this therapist for the same reason that you aren’t comfortable with your therapist. He wasn’t listening to me and started talking about issues that he had with his father that in no way was related to infertility!
I was done with him and found a wonderful new therapist that my doctor recommended. She listened to how I felt and was a great fit for my needs.
I AM thankful my mom can call me but I just want a reasonably health relationship with her and the way she calls me is not healthy.
Thanks so much for your reply. I'm glad to hear you found a good therapist. That encourages me not to give up!
I agree with you - She did not give the proper response when you explained about your mother's excessive calls.
Sometimes it takes a few tries before finding the right therapist that you're comfortable with - and who you have a connection with. If you didn't want to give it another try with her, it's fine to move on to someone new. Wishing you all the very best~
No way should she make you feel guilty for wanting boundaries with your mom and comparing her situation was as unprofessional as it gets. What a putz she is.
The therapists comment about being able to talk to your mother was not good, but not that bad. More the result of not knowing a lot about you.''I would call your insurance company and ask for a referral to an in-person therapist that they will cover. Be careful getting a social worker for counseling. Many are not covered by insurance, they have very open ended counseling techniques. We had a previous poster on AC who was in therapy with a social worker for 10 years. Way too long for therapy to go on. and many states do not require them to be peer reviewed or work under the guidance of a physician. or psychiatrist. In my state I work under the guidance of a psychiatrist and I also participate in peer review every 60 days.
I personally like ‘in person’ therapy but there are some therapist who Skype or Zoom and it works out well.
My daughter had an ‘in person’ therapist when she was going through a transitional stage in her life.
During Covid, sessions were only done online and her therapist continued to do these online sessions. My daughter appreciated the flexibility of doing either one. So, it truly is a personal preference.
I agree that with a telephone there can be miscommunication due to not being able to see body language.
It’s sort of like an online forum. There will always be misunderstandings as well, even worse because people can’t hear the tone of a voice.
This is why I also did an ‘in person’ support group for caregivers. It was satisfying to actually be able to sit down face to face with other caregivers.
Best wishes as you proceed with therapy. Do not hesitate to switch. You are not obligated to stay with this person. You will know when you find the right fit.
To be honest, drives me nuts too. I have a stressful job that I mostly hate, and I want a break from it all, and sometimes you just can't, and it's never over something that matters. It's getting worse and I can't seem to slow it down.
PS: I'd probably walk over that comment even though I get it and no harm was intended. Everybody has a different relationship. My father used to call my mother 3, 4 times a night. It irritated me then and he wasn't calling me. But he's just a "worry wart", damn, I hate that term, excusarama.