I have been providing “informal support” for my elderly mother when her paid caregivers can’t or WON’T provide her with the care she needs for a few years now. It has been frustrating at times. I work for a school driving school bus then as a paraprofessional until it’s time to get on the bus for the afternoon route. my day starts at 4 AM and I’m usually not finished with my afternoon bus route until after 5 PM, getting home at 6pm school days. Of course, I have weekends and all school breaks off (unless I agree to drive summer school)
I was recently told by APS that they consider me responsible for her care because I’ve “done so in the past” establishing that I was willing to do it and that “choosing” to not do so nights & weekends / school breaks, since I don’t have to be at work those hours, if the PAID caregiver isn’t available (if I attend my children’s sporting events, want to go out of town for a weekend or take vacation time when my job allows for it) could & likely would result in being charged with neglect or even abandonment. If found “guilty” that would cost me my job because I’d no longer be able to work with children. That I MUST continue providing daily care 365 days a year—no days off, no vacation, no sick days, etc. no ability to relocate if I were to find a house elsewhere where a similar paying job would give my family a better quality of life due to lower cost of living.
I love my mom and honestly don’t mind helping out OCCASIONALLY (I *do* mind doing the work when a PAID caregiver is getting paid to do the job but refuses…doesn’t clean her bedside commode, won’t give her a bath / shower, etc….we’ve reported several instances, in each case they were simply moved to another client, even APS defended their ability to refuse certain tasks on my mom’s care plan because they could hurt themselves….so can I, I’ve hurt my back taking care of my mom several times, only difference is since I’m not officially an employee, I don’t have the ability to use L&I to help with medical bills or lost time from work like paid caregivers could). Can I be held responsible for her care to the point that if I dare to have any personal activities / vacation plans “interfere”, it’s grounds for neglect / abandonment accusations to stick because of me implying “duty of care” so I’m no longer allowed to do anything that takes me away from this unpaid job? I feel like I’d be set up to catch the blame regardless. If I’d just shrugged my shoulders and said “not my problem” when caregivers refused to do their job, I feel someone would have found fault with that; but since my conscience couldn’t allow me to see a need and not meet it, I’m forced into a job that I’m not allowed to quit (IF what APS is telling me is accurate, though my gut says it sounds like them trying scare tactics on me to get me to do the job as I’ve researched the law and can’t find anything backing up these claims but thought I’d ask where I can get answers from someone who knows).
You would, if you are the appointed guardian or if you are POA be responsible for safe placement. This would mean applying for medicaid if Mom has no assets, or managing her assets for her care until they run out, and getting her safely placed.
The APS may consider you responsible but they have ZERO ability to enforce such a belief on their part, except to turn you over to legal authorities that DO have. No, no one will take you to court or ruin your job UNLESS you have taken on legal responsibility with accepting appointment as POA or Guardian.
If you have taken your Mom into your home you need to see now to her placement, and help her, if she has become dependent in the time she has lived with you, in applying for legal aid through medicaid (APS can and SHOULD help you with THAT; that should be their mandate, not idle threats).
I hope you will update us.
You should also, if you wish, see an elder law attorney for your duties, your obligations, legal advice, and an answer for APS. If you are POA you Mom's funds pay for your legal advice. If you are not you will pay for this yourself, and as attorneys are expensive you need to find a good and honest one who is paid by the HOUR to answer some few questions for you, not an attorney who wants a huge upfront fee and then says they will have to charge more to research. Any attorney worth his or her salt can find the answer to this in moments.
When some "authority" tells me I have no choice, I respond with, "Show me the statute(s)".
If your mom needs so much help, it is time for her to go into a facility, not hijack you and your family's life to prop her up.
I think threatening family is part of the training for social workers. It bogus but, oh ever so effective.
No, you do not have to be an unpaid slave because APS threatened you. I would tell her that you won't speak with her unless she stops with the threats and intimidation, which is illegal.
While I think APS is being a little heavy handed, I also think OP might be in a bit of denial about her mom's cognitive abilities. Much as it pains me, APS might have some reasons to think OP's mom isn't getting the safest care she could be.
I would ask whoever told you that to put it in writing, on APS letterhead.
Some states have what are called "filial responsibility laws" which are open to interpretation as to the degree of liability one has to FINANCIALLY support an impoverished parent. I have not heard of those laws being used to compel direct service, but you might want to tell your principal what APS is threatening you with. I suspect your school district's lawyer could find out the truth.
I agree with Barb, insist on getting it in writing from APS. On letterhead. With a signature. Then find a *criminal* attorney (since APS is threatening you with possible criminal charges) and make an appointment and ask him/her if what APS has written is correct. I'm going to bet it's a big fat no. If that's the case, pay whatever fee is involved and have the attorney send a letter to APS telling them to cease this harassment of you or face a possible lawsuit.
What if you didn't live near mom? What if you were a single mom with small children you had to take care of? What if you needed to work several jobs to make ends meet? What if you yourself got sick and could no longer give mom the additional support? These are all real-life scenarios. Does APS threaten all of them too?
Just wondering how APS got involved in the first place? It's not like they monitor every elderly person in their jurisdiction, usually they get involved because they've been notified that there might be a vulnerable elder.
If mom has *paid* caregivers who aren't doing their jobs taking care of her, let APS go after them or the agency who oversees them. Sounds to me like whoever you spoke to doesn't want to do anything more than the bare minimum, and you seemed to be the "easy" target.
I had a coworker suggest getting a lawyer…..at least know if there’s any truth to their claims (which my gut feels there isn’t) and if I felt possible, take them to court for harassment.
In the past year I’ve been investigated for abuse / neglect when my mom’s care wasn’t provided four times. One of which, I can see as justified in making sure it was an accident and not something deliberately done….. I’d driven my mom to a Drs appointment 3 hrs away in her car which has no A/C because she couldn’t get in my car. Temps reached 118* that day. when we got home, I went to get her wheelchair and heard my 10 year old daughter say “wait grandma, you don’t have shoes on”. By the time I dropped the wheelchair and got to her door, she’d already put both bare feet on the hot pavement. I had my daughter call 911 while I tried to pull her back into the SUV, but couldn’t budge 335 lbs of dead weight. By the time the ambulance arrived, she had 2nd & 3rd degree burns on the bottom of her feet. She was also suffering from heat exhaustion. So yeah I can see that be a legitimate concern to be sure wasn’t something I’d intentionally done….I do feel they tried to manipulate my mom into saying anything that could be interpreted as it being my fault it occurred as the investigation involved about 5 visits from APS almost interrogating my mom rephrasing the same questions. The others have all been due to caregivers reporting me for my mom’s depend “being wet“, her wearing the same shirt multiple days (my mom CHOOSES to not change daily due to not being able to afford laundry if she charges daily….. last time I had any type of caregiver training (20-something years ago) she’s of sound mind so has the right to refuse to change clothes, shower, etc and as far as the depend….They’re coming in 3.5 - 5+ hrs after I’ve left for work and she’s completely incontinent…yeah she’s probably wet.
like I said, so far all the investigations have been “inconclusive” but it leaves me scared that with enough investigations they’ll eventually decide I’m at fault. So having a lawyer tell them to quit with the harassment sounds like a good idea (as far as I know, the paid caregivers never deal with this when they choose to not do their job…. Even when we’ve reported it, APS actually defends them saying they could get hurt…. So can I. I’ve hurt my back several times taking care of my mom, only difference is since I’m not an employee I have no L&I to help pay medical bills or lost wages)
APS isn't requiring her to do 24/7, they are saying she can not just abandon her without getting her the care she needs.
This is what happens when you move into a parents house to provide care and then decide to leave. You can leave but, you have certain responsibilities, that you accepted by moving in. She knew mom needed 24/7 care, that's why she moved in. Now she has to do everything she can to ensure mom is getting the care she needs.
Someone that steps on the hot ground and can't help get themselves off of it, is not of sound mind, by any stretch of the imagination.
She should definitely see a lawyer before she moves out and leaves her mom.
Do you think (looking back) it was a tactic? That the nurse smelt caregiver burnout wafting off you & wanted to wake you up before you burnt to death? *Tough Love* To get a better care plan for your Dad + restore some sort of balance to you before you stroked out yourself?
You say:
"My mom is 78.
She is incapable of doing anything herself. She can feed herself (if food is put in front of her and cut up). She cannot stand on her own—we currently use a sit to stand for transfers, A few years ago was much different. If I wanted to go out of town, things needed to be set up for her (mostly pots, pans, utensils & dishes on the kitchen counter so she didn’t have to bend over / reach up to get them out of cupboards), but other than that she could transfer to / from bed, wheelchair, toilet / commode, recliner, etc, cook her own meals & do her own dishes, and put on / take off her own depends. In her mind, she can get back to that point (nobody else believes it). In our rural area, not uncommon for Dr appointments with specialists to be 3 hrs away."
And in regards to your mom's caregivers:
"They’re coming in 3.5 - 5+ hrs after I’ve left for work and she’s completely incontinent…yeah she’s probably wet."
Can you really *not* see that your mom can't be left alone? That it is a dangerous situation? I can't blame her caregivers for reporting a person for whom they are responsible to APS in this situation, if only to protect themselves! This has nothing to do with a "wet depends", or the caregivers not wanting to do their jobs, this is a dangerous situation for your mom!
You need to reach out to APS and tell them you need help getting mom into a facility where her needs can be met! It's very clear you have little interest in being mom's caregiver during the times that she has no paid help, and THAT'S FINE! You have a child and a job and a life and you aren't willing to sacrifice any of those things to be mom's caregiver and THAT'S FINE! It doesn't make you a bad daughter, but you need to OWN it that you don't want to be mom's caregiver and reach out for help before a tragedy occurs! Get her placed somewhere that she can get the care she needs, and be her advocate while she lives there, but b****ing about how unfairly you feel APS is treating you, how you feel they are persecuting you for no good reason you is, frankly, you just burying your head in the sand and insisting all is well when clearly it is not!
I sincerely wish you well with this.