My husband tells me I have no heart because every time I make food he asks me if I made enough for his dad. You see my husbands dad says he can’t see and what not but he can do everything else and drive perfectly. So I don’t know what’s going on and my husband even says it’s a lie sometimes. He gets mad because I don’t like sharing my food with his dad. I’m six months pregnant getting up everyday it’s hard for me so when I cook I do it because i like cooking for him but when he tells me and my dad? I’m like don’t you see I need to eat to and I’m eating for my baby. So he’s dad lives with us because there is no one to take care of him but every time he tells me I’m a bad person I want to cry because I try to do everything for my husband. Sometimes I even regret staying for so long because he doesn’t realize that I didn’t marry his dad. I feel like I’m in a three way relationship. What should I do at this point? Am I the selfish one?
You are living with Dad. The food you are cooking is that bought by your husband or you. Does your FIL contribute money to the groceries you buy or does he buy his own? Are you on a very tight budget? Do you pay your way such as paying FIL rent, sharing the utilities?
If you are not contributing monetarily by paying rent or utilities, then I feel feeding Dad should be no problem if you are cooking a meal. Example: My 75 yr old husband is very capable of getting himself a bowl of cereal, putting toast in the toaster and pouring himself a glass of juice. I have certain things I eat for breakfast. He golfs and leaves before I am up. On days he is home I may make us breakfast of pancakes, french toast or eggs and what goes with it. If I had a FIL with me I would think nothing of making extra for him. I am already cooking. Same with lunch, (which we rarely eat)if I was making a grilled cheese for my husband I would ask my FIL if he wanted one. Dinner same thing, if I am cooking for two why not 3. Your not expelling any more energy adding one more person.
Now, if my FIL expected me to cook him 3 meals a day, that may be a problem if I am not already cooking. But it doesn't seem that that's what's happening here. I can't understand why since your cooking already, why you cannot cook for one more. If its a budget thing then you tell ur husband if your going to feed Dad then your husband needs to give more money towards groceries or Dad needs to contribute. You say"my food". Are you the one who buys the groceries?
Are any of you getting SNAP benefits?
Are you in the U.S.?
You're "chef" for both of them, and if he does not need it right now, you'll probably be a caregiver for FIL down the road.
Have you ever seen the photos of a pregnant woman standing in front of a stove or in the kitchen barefoot? That's how both these guys see you.
You are living in your father in law's home; your husband is asking you to also feed his father when you cook food for yourself, which is not unreasonable GIVEN the fact that you are living IN HIS HOME. That's my opinion on the matter; you are a guest in this man's home, pregnant or not, and it's your husband's job to get you OUT of there and into your own home. He is wrong to tell you that you're 'mean and heartless' for not feeding his father, who is not 'too blind' to drive, but 'too blind' to cook........he's emotionally manipulating you to get HIS way, is what's happening. The two of you need to sit down and talk like adults about the future, the future of your child, where you're going to live, how the bills are going to get paid, and that sort of thing, b/c the 'feeding the FIL when you cook for yourself' is really secondary to the main issue at play here: that you're a guest in HIS home and need to move out.
Your husband owes you that much b/c he moved you into his father's home under false pretenses; telling you it would be 'temporary', then it becomes permanent, and you're expected to cook and feed the father in law also, and now there is a baby coming. Plus, when you feed the FIL there's no food for you to eat the next day, for whatever reason that is, I don't know. If hubby wants you to cook food for his father, and there isn't enough for you the next day, then hubby needs to provide you with MORE FOOD so you & your baby have enough to eat.
You have a lot to work out between you and your husband right now, which I suggest you do before this new baby is born into the chaotic environment that exists in your father in law's home.
Wishing you the best of luck and congratulations on becoming a new mom. I sincerely hope everything works out and your husband pulls his head out of his behind long enough to see what he needs to do here. Before it's too late.
I could never not feed someone in my home. I was taught that, if there isn't enough for everyone then nobody eats. I can see why your hubby is put out with your attitude.
You are going to have to figure out how to better do planned overs if you want lunch the next day.
I, personally, fix meals that can feed me and my husband for multiple meals, who wants to cook everyday?
With a baby on the way, I really recommend finding recipes that create enough meals for 3 people for at least 2 meals. You will be happy to have a freezer full of planned overs.
Answer would be no even if you weren't pregnant... but since you are, wow. Big no.
I think it would help if you would provide more details about why this living situation with your FIL in your home has come to be. Your husband needs to come around and have you state to him that you married him and not his father. Continue to not cook for him. They are making you an indentured servant.
My DH is currently the cook, but for decades it was me. If my FIL (or whoever) moved into our place when I was cook, I would cook for him - just as I cook for us, kids, kid's friends, whoever is home at the time.
If however, I was living in FIL's house.. hmm. This depends on the 'deal' we made. Is it rent for service? Eg FIL provides free or reduced rent for chores done by you/ husband : mowing, repairs, cleaning, cooking etc.
So what was the original deal? Why did you both move in? To help FIL or to help you & husband?
Anyway, regardless of the original why, this plan is now not working for you. It also has the dangerous potential to slide into worse.
I am truly sorry your husband is using the word 'selfish'.
You want my honest opinion?
That word can be used for manipulation. An awful tool to inflict guilt. (It worked well, right?)
Why? So he can look like he has an obedient wife? So he keeps on FIL's good side? Because he is ashamed he can not provide you with a home himself? (No shame - living is pricey these days).
What's SELFISH is these two men expecting to be served like Kings by a woman expecting!
Tread very carefully.
Don't risk your safety hurling the selfish word back unless very VERY sure a calm, rational, safe discussion can be had.
I would seek help from a service that assists woman.
Btw, do you have any relatives you could stay with, if it came to it?
My final thought: Marriages always contain cracks (big or small). Cooking for FIL may have exposed a crack... Hopefully this is a small one, that with good communication can be worked through to make things stronger in the longer term.
I don’t cook for housemates, they fend for themselves. For family, I cook to feed everyone. It would be rude to have some family members eating a meal and other family members look on wishing they could be fed too.
I can understand your husband’s side. If I were living with my mother, or her with me, if I cooked I would cook enough to feed her because she was family.
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