My mother has lived with my family for a year. Prior to that she lived directly next to us. Gradually she needed more attention and we had the right size house to make some modifications and move her in with us. She uses a walker and oxygen at all times. She is hard of hearing. She has arthritis.
My mom is an only child and has always needed a lot of care and attention. My dad did this until he died, and loved taking care of her. Gradually she has become more dependent and just lets us do everything. Her list of illnesses is long, and mostly self inflicted: years of inactivity, smoking and chocolate.
My sister has also made modifications to her home and my mother spends about a week a month with her. My sister is married, but they have no children. When she is there, my sister makes a schedule for her, including everything: even showering. She follows up, make charts, has a notebook and a calendar.
I am not willing to do that. I have a husband and our child (11) that I take care of. I cook for my mom, take her to all appointments, include her in family events, love her. But she is capable of taking care of herself more than she does. She is capable of showering without we reminding her. She is capable of walking out to the kitchen to heat of leftovers. She is capable of so much more than she will do.
My sister, while she doesn't say it, thinks I should also make a schedule, and such, for her. I'm not doing it. I resent that my mother is putting me in the position to be her mother, when it isn't necessary.
How do I motivate her, without becoming her mother?
Maybe, tell sister to send her list with mom so she has it to remind herself for her week with you.
Your husband and child come before your mom, whether anyone likes it or not, they are your 1st priority.
Why is “reminding her” especially burdensome, if she ultimately does what you want her to do?
The scheduling and reminding is a means to an end. You remind, she does what you want, everybody wins.
You don’t remind, she doesn’t do what you want, you get mad, she has hurt feelings….
Do what’s easiest for you AND for her. Just be sure you are doing what’s really easiest for you.
It is harder to care for a parent as a parent yourself. I did the same. I have two daughters.
I am not sure what to tell you. Do you wish to have your mom living with you or is it becoming too much? How are your son and husband dealing with her living in your home?
Honestly, I wish that I had looked into placement for my mom. We do sacrifice so much of our lives for them if they are living under our roof.
I lost my mom in April. I am glad that she is no longer suffering and I miss her terribly. Still, it is extremely difficult to be the primary caregiver.
Have you tried to have a discussion with your mom? Have called Council on Aging in your area for an assessment of her needs? Have you asked her doctor for the name of a social worker that can help you plan for your mom’s needs?
Wishing you and your family all the best.
If your sister is unwilling to take mother for the majority of the time, then you'll probably also have to have some kind of schedule for her to follow if you want to keep your household more manageable. My mother is very similar to yours; my father babied her something fierce for their entire 68 year marriage, so when he died, she was lost. Fortunately, I had both of them set up in Assisted Living by the time he passed away, so there is a staff to wait on her hand & foot now (in Memory Care) and she expects it, too. If she's not attended to immediately when she needs something, she has a total meltdown! Dad created a monster, really, and the staff at the MC is paying the price.
I seriously doubt you'll be able to 'train' your mother differently at this stage of the game. Your best bet, I believe, is to put the care & management of her onto your sister, if possible.
Good luck!
Such a common sense solution!
Listen, I get it. I used to get so very irritated with my mom, when she had me do the things that I was pretty sure she was still capable of. Unlike how you describe your mom, however, my mom was very independent - until she wasn't. And I really resented it, when she became so much more dependent on me.
However, as time has gone by, I find myself wondering if I jumped to do things too quickly for my mom- mostly, because **I** didn't have the patience to wait for her to do the things that she could do for herself, albeit veeerrryyyy slowly. Maybe it would have been better for my mom to gently "force" her to do the things she could still do, but like you, I have kids, and a husband, and a job, and a home to look after, and I didn't want to "waste" time. To stand around and let my mom struggle to make a sandwich - for instance - something that would take me like, 2 minutes took her 20. And at the time, it seemed almost cruel, to let her struggle along, especially since I didn't have the patience to wait, and she didn't seem to mind letting me do it. And I knew that the chances of my mother having an epiphany towards the end of her life, saying "gee, maybe if I can do this for myself, I should" were slim to none. So I did what worked best for me, although it was aggravating as all get out!
Could it be that your sister has everything on a schedule so she can run her home more efficiently, while still forcing your mom's hands to do for herself? With no kids in the mix, she probably has more time on her side than you do, and less "wild card" factors that always seem to crop up with children, regardless of their ages.
Has your sister expressed displeasure in the way you take care of mom? I'm not talking about what you perceive - I'm talking about her actually coming out and telling you how you "should" do for mom? I know I was overly sensitive to everything while I was mom's caregiver, even to the point where I jumped to unfair conclusions about what I perceived to be people's expectations of what I "should" be doing.
If you're comfortable in the way you've been handling caregiving, then leave it be. Much like raising children, people have different ideologies with caregiving strategies, and it doesn't make one "right" and the other "wrong". Take care of mom in the way that is easiest for all of you mom included, and let your sister handle things her way.
There! Hope you feel better? :)
To widen your sister's perspective, Google "reablement" and share the principles with her. Your sister is teaching your mother helplessness. This is not respectful and will lead to your mother's quality of life deteriorating faster than it has to through natural aging.
I'm not sure you'll need to motivate your mother. You're treating her like a capable grown adult, which is what she is.
Having said that (and I hope made my position clear), a structure is not a bad idea for helping a person to maintain her own preferred normal routine. A weekly schedule for showering, hair washing etc. is fine; a daily schedule to prompt medications and monitor how well she's eating and drinking, good idea. But your mother can do her own. How would you feel about helping her set it up?
!
"You are right and your sister is wrong."
I really really like this supportive answer!
Nothing wrong with taking sides. I know there is more to your point CM, but I just really like the first part.
It is funny to me, because I got tired of being right a lot of the time, so I was hoping my sister could get things right more often.
Sister making her little list is OK for sister but not your thing.
that she uses when Mom is there.
Then, copy the schedule and hand it to your Mom, once a week.
Ask your sister to call Mom once a day to remind her when to shower.
All sorts of things you can, or choose not to do. I would start with rebellion.
After all, you are still the daughter.
Have fun with this.
It seems you're wasting a lot of brain power on this. Do what works for you, and let Sis do what works for her.
When my dad was in his late 's70 my sister and I traveled from Alaska to Portland frequently to help keep our Dad's life organized. My brother felt like you do. That we were being indulgent -- that our Dad was capable of doing a lot more. But what we saw when we were with him any amount of time is that he needed help. For whatever reason, our brother couldn't or wouldn't see the impact of aging on our Dad.
On another note, the roles reverse as aging occurs. Don't forget that you are modeling for your 11-year-old how she should respond to you when you have aged to the point of needing help.
You are not your mother's mother -- but you may need to be your mother's caretaker.
I started caring for MIL 17 years ago. Like you, I was sure she could do more for herself than she did. I resented being asked to give more than what I perceived she needed.
Frustration levels rose, until I realized, MIL really couldn't do as much as I thought she could. She wasn't being difficult on purpose. Even though she seemed mostly capable, she really couldn't work the tv remote, the microwave, bathe, brush teeth, etc. What I thought was lazy, manipulative, spoiled behavior, was really beginning dementia.
To keep yourself sane, decide now how much you care you can give. You cannot give what you do not have.
Have a heart to heart with sister, and work out a plan.
If your Mom really can do for herself, have a heart to heart with her also. Put in place the boundaries of what you can do for her, and what she must do for herself. When she can no longer do these things, she will need to move someplace that can provide them.
Just an FYI, as time goes on, I find myself doing more for MIL than I ever thought I would. You kinda grow into this caregiver role, through the weariness, past the frustration, and into a peace that you are sacrificing for a weaker soul.
God bless.
Thankfully I finally did recognize mom's behavior was due to dementia. Often people think of dementia as being an inability to remember and it is. Yet it is an inability to remember “how to” as much as “who, what and where”. Caring for one with dementia takes a long term commitment as you watch your loved one regress from a vivacious, loving person to one who can no longer even communicate. Always remember the person you love is still inside the person who has become a stranger to you as you have become to them. Love them as long as she or he is alive. You will have no regrets.
Knowing this is a long term commitment that drains your energy and time, you need to be certain you are able to provide the care that they require. It can turn your family's world upside down or make it stronger thru working together to provide the care that is required. Some can maintain this care in their own home. Others must rely upon other care facilities. You have to do what is best for all members of your family. It takes many prayers and much reflection to come to peace with sharing your home and heart with someone who cannot assist in her basest needs. We have grown with Mom's needs but it has been one of the biggest challenges of our lives. I say “our” because my husband is as much a part of this caregiving as I am. God will and does bless you in this endeavor. Love and prayers.
The List Makers, the Planners: who plan a family function, set date, set time, set location.
Then there's the Last Minuters, the Spontaneous: it's a lovely night, let's meet up for a BBQ tonight.
You & your sister may not be so extreme as that.. but just differ - and that's ok. Your sister's lists may be great for her, but do not have any place in your home (unless you want them).
Let me ask - Does Mom like rotating homes? Different rules? Or is she ready to hang her hat (her O2 actually) in one location, have her meals prepared, her bed made etc. She sounds worn out to be honest.
PS If Mom does need most or everything done for her (or will soon) - that does not mean it has to be by you!
Is there memory loss, has that been checked? Changing the rules as often as they are right now is -- from what I read - already becoming an issue for your Mother. Was she doing more for herself a while back? Or is this new behavior?
Some how you and your sister need to come to a space where Mom and her abilities are center. I doubt that your mother realizes that she is becoming as needy as you perceive.
And, as hard to hear as this may be, she does feel your resentment of her needs. She will never voice it, but my first hand experience with this says it is true. You could ask her about this, but she will deny it. Until it was pointed out by someone outside of the family, I couldn't see it either.
I won't keep going as this was hard enough to hear. Good Luck and God Bless
Have a talk with your mom and let her know how you feel and tell her what she does at her other daughters house is one thing but what she does at your house is another, then do a One Time List and Post it On Her Bedrooms Wall the things you expect her to do on her own and then Don't do any of those things posted!
If your Mom and or Sister don't like it, then tell your sister you'll be more than happy to switch with her and let your mom live with her and you will take mom one week a month.
You already have a sister who created charts that you say work. Be glad you have it already done for you. Use the charts. If she doesn't have a printer - buy her one. Sign her up for a printer ink program (like HP instant ink) to make sure she doesn't run out of ink. Take a ream of paper. When you pick mom up, make yourself copies of the charts for your own house.
Call the doctor and ask if he can order in-home care - physical and occupational therapy - to get mom up and moving more. To add to her physical duties, figure out what she really can do. You can tell her to do these things and aggravate yourself each time you remind her - OR - since you know charts work. . . make a chore chart. Even an 11 year old can benefit from a chore chart - get the 11 year old to make the chart for both kid/mom and they can remind each other. And 11 year old can do exercise class w/g'ma - leg lifts, walk from living room to bedroom 4 times, arm lifts using bottled water as weights.
Think about all the things you do each day for hubby and child that, in reality, they could do themselves and save you a step. Maybe you hold on to a little anger from those tasks, too? Ease up on yourself.
You already know if you don' remind mom, she won't self motivate. Figure out the way with least effort on your part. Don't dig your heels into the dirt - mom's care is going to be increasing. Have the chat with mom about: if you don't start moving around, you're going to end up in a chair unable to do so and I can't take care of you like that. - Can sis do 2 weeks a month? Maybe it would help to change this to a 50-50 caregiving deal? Just a thought.
"Enabling is disabling".
You say she is capable to maintain her own personal hygiene and get her own food. So she's still mobile. That's good.
When she starts to feel uncomfortable from not being clean, she'll get up and take a shower. When she's hungry enough and realizes that no one is jumping up to wait on her, she'll get up and go to the kitchen. Then make her start doing her share of the household chores. She is limited from being on oxygen and other health problems so you'll have to pick things she can do. Like making it her job to fold the family's laundry. Or help prepare dinner by peeling the potatoes or cutting up the vegetables. These are jobs that can be done sitting down.
You'll see an improvement in her if she has something to do. I've been in elder homecare for a long time. Many times an elderly person will act a lot worse off than they really are because that's when they get attention. Like a child who has a 'boo-boo'. Give mom some responsibility. Granted, she'll probably complain incessantly behind your back to anyone who will listen about how terrible you are but in her heart she'll be grateful.
Your sister is wrong with all the charts and schedules because she's treating mom like an incompetent and invalid patient who is incapable of doing anything for themselves on their own. She's not doing her any favors with this enabling. If your sister wants to play nurse then she should go volunteer at a nursing home.
just some taughts to share. I have heard from professionnals in caregivers support group conferences, that the worst thing you can do for a person with declining abilities, is to do for them what they can do themselves. You are contributing to their decline by not letting them keep busy and active ( a small walk to the kitchen counts as exercice, getting dressed is good for memory , fine motricity etc), feeling still able is good for their self-esteem , and it is good for them that you keep your energies for what they cannot do ...and for the long run...
As for your sister doing it differently, she doest it differently from you, you do it differently from her... I guess she doesn't have to do it like you and you don't have to do it like her.
And, just because you mentionned it, needing attention etc has nothing to do with beeing an only child. It is a myth and stereotype that many studies have proven wrong. I am sure you know more than one person with that "need" that have their siblings complaining about it... It is also sad for these children to be tagged with this stereotype and grow up hearing that about them.
Good luck
just some taughts to share. I have heard from professionnals in caregivers support group conferences, that the worst thing you can do for a person with declining abilities, is to do for them what they can do themselves. Tou are contributing to their decline by not letting them keep busy and active ( a small walk to the kitchen counts as exercice, getting dressed is good for memory , fine motricity etc), it is good for their self-esteem , and it is good for them that you keep your energies for what they cannot do ...and for the long run...
As for your sister doing it differently, she doest it differently from you, you do it differently from her... I guess she doesn't have to do it like you and you don't have to do it like her. If there is a book with the exact right and wrong ways described ...we are still looking for the first copy. There can be more than one right way...
And, just because you mentionned it, needing attention etc has nothing to do with beeing an only child. It is a myth that many studies have proven wrong. I am sure you know more than one person with that "need" that have their "siblings" complaining about it...It is in fact sad that the "only childs" are de facto tagged with these stereotypes and hear that about them.
Good luck
Do you want mom to continue living with you? If so, I'd put together general schedules for her, print them up on the computer and put them on her door. What do you want mom to do daily, a couple times a week or weekly? Put checkboxes on them so mom can check them off when she completes them. Once you have the schedules made up they're done (unless they need reviving) and you just print off the appropriate schedule. You don't have to make them as specific as your sister does.
DO NOT cater to her - if she is able to do something gently but firmly tell her that it is good for her to do for herself and if she wants it to please do it herself. By doing everything for her - you are allowing/making her even more dependent on you. She needs to learn to have some independence to keep her mind active.
Does your child have chores s/he's expected to do? Do you remind him/her to do them? Well assign your mother chores (in addition to those on her to do list) and if you have to, remind her too. (So in this way you have 2 children - not one.)Can she fold her clothes? if not have her fold towels and washclothes. You know her capabilities - give her chores that fall within her abilities - can she help with meal prep/washing up? Maybe your child and mother can take turns.
If you do not want mom to continue to live with you, will sis take her full time with you taking her for sis' respite? If both of you are a no, then work together to find mom the appropriate facility - IL or AL and place her in the one that is the best fit for her.
Blessings on your and your entire family.
Last but not least, most importantly- remember this-
you are a wonderful daughter and your mom is blessed to have you. You take care of your family and your mother. Do what works for you and your family. Sounds like you are busy but also remember to take care of yourself, too. Your child is also seeing how you love your mom and if you need help in the future, your child will be there, too! Family is important! It the foundation of our todays and tomorrows. May God bless you!