Am I selfish for wanting to move abroad for my boyfriend when my mother has dementia?

Question

Am I selfish for wanting to move abroad for my boyfriend when my mother has dementia?

Follow

Share

I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for years. We have always planned on me moving to his country to carry on our life together and I am incredibly excited for that. But, my mother was recently diagnosed with dementia and I feel guilty at the thought of leaving her. It will probably be at least another year before I make the move but I cannot help feeling like a terrible person for having this plan. I would come back as much as possible to visit her and help look after her. Whilst I'm away I'd always make sure she has care. But, sometimes I feel like I should end this relationship to focus on looking after her but I know that wouldn't make me happy. I just don't know what to do to make her and myself happy.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Moving Relationships

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

22 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

You are 21 and your mom is 56.

Your mother won't seek help for her mental health issues. You don't say if she has bern diagnosed with dementia.

Your father and brother are planning on leaving mom and selling the family home.

Where will mom reside if dad's plan comes to fruition. Is your father expecting you to assume sole care of your mom?

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Helpful info from your profile:

"...I am 21 years old, living at home with my Mum, Dad and brother. Over the past few years my mother’s mental health has deteriorated. Her short term memory isn’t great, she gets confused easily and can’t do much for herself. We have suspected for a while it could be signs of dementia. I have tried suggesting that she seeks professional help. I try to support her as much as I can and encourage her to feel confident again. My father and brother have been frustrated by the situation and told me they have given up. My dad plans on leaving us once we can sell the house and my brother said he will then be going his own way. I don’t know where this will leave my mum. She has no hobbies or friends and does nothing to keep herself busy. I am a student and want to be able to live my own life. My boyfriend lives in Prague so I often spend long periods of time there with him. I feel like I’m going to have to choose and put my life on hold to look after her. I don’t want to and I feel like a terrible person for saying that. I have been depressed for many years and I am finally in a place where I am happy again and I feel like this could completely change that. I would obviously choose to help my mum and I’d never leave her alone but I don’t want to resent her for that. I don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless and heartbroken and completely alone..."

If I were in your shoes feeling like you do right now, I'd talk to my mom and tell her we have a year to help her figure out what's going on with her cognition. It's possible it is a medical issue, like tumor, thyroid, cardiac problems, diabetes, or any other number of things. These all need to be discounted before a diagnosis of dementia. She may have undiagnosed, untreated depression. You should accompany her to all her appointments if she's having trouble staying focused or remembering things. Someone has to be her advocate now.

In the end, you can only help her as much as she allows. If she doesn't cooperate yet needs help with ADLs, then guardianship may be the only answer. But I would start with getting an accurate diagnosis, which will inform future decisions about her care.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

Hi, thank you for your response. I’m sorry I didn’t update my “about me” recently but my mother did just get diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia but it is still in the early stages. I’m trying so hard to be there for her but I feel like I’m losing myself and barely coping. I’m not sure what the next step is. She always said she never wants a carer but I don’t see how I can give her what she needs all by myself.

(1)

Report

Thanks, Geaton, that is helpful.

Abbvabb, you say your mother can't do much for herself, and this makes me wonder if by helping her so much, and even preparing to give up your plans for her, you are unintentionally disabling her. Why won't she seek help with her mental health? - not what do you think, what does *she* say?

Helpful Answer (6)

Report

Your mother is NOT your responsibility!!! She is your fathers. He's going to have to figure out her care if he plans on leaving her. And if he is going to slack on his responsibility, that's on him not you. You are very young and deserve to live your life the way you choose.
And your mother is a bit too young for any kind of dementia, although she could have early onset, but that needs to be diagnosed by a qualified doctor. Has that actually been done yet?
It sounds to me that she may just suffer from depression and other mental disorders that haven't yet been addressed, and until she chooses to help herself, there's not much that can be done.
So get on with living and enjoying your life. Your mother could live another 40+ years. Surely you don't want to have to give up your life for that long do you?
But that doesn't mean that you give up your life, because she chooses not to care about hers.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

With Dementia this early on, I doubt she will live 40 years.

(0)

Report

How many years has the long distance relationship with your BF gone on? Are either of you considering or seeking marriage, and if so, has that been discussed? It appears that he's the primary reason for emigrating. If so, have you checked out immigration requirements for the Czech Republic? Before you make any decisions to leave the US, permanently, you should probably find out what's required to emigrate, especially during the pandemic.

Helpful Answer (7)

Report

You don't sound selfish just naive. But, that is your prerogative.
It isn't an either/or situation.
you are looking at a "long distance relationship" for years...at just 21 and inexperienced (no matter if you think you have lived a lot of life) OR staying and taking care of your mother.

You need to find out who YOU are away from these major life stressors instead of making it about latching onto others.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Throw out the phrase: "Am I selfish?".

Focus on making reasonable plans, both in the present, and the near future.

Will moving to his country even be allowed during the pandemic?

I advise do not move anywhere with him until you are married first.

Have you met him in person?

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Ok, so your mother has FT dementia which normally becomes impossible to handle at home; she'll need placement at some point. Your father plans to fly the coop, according to your profile, and so does your brother. Now you plan to move to Prague to be with your b/f. Where DOES that leave mom, that's a very good question? Your dad is selling the house, so he's splitting the proceeds with mom, I would assume? I think you need to sit down with an Elder Care attorney and see what you should do moving forward, since your family is deserting your mother! You're the only one who can help her, if you choose to, in a meaningful way. Which means that you can be her advocate, once the atty advises you on how to do so. If you become her guardian, you can have her placed and use her money to do so; then apply for Medicaid to continue her long term care once that money runs out, assuming you live in the USA, which I'm not sure of?

I feel extremely irritated at your father & brother for leaving your mother high & dry in her hour of need, to be honest. You should have a life of your own, of course, but your mother should also have family to visit her, care for her (even if it's not hands-on care that's given) and to advocate for her if/when she goes into managed care. No person should ever be placed in managed care and not looked after there by a loved one who sees to it that they have all their needs met and get good, professional care. So I don't know how you DO it, actually. Maybe a social worker and Elder Care attorney team approach would be best.

Perhaps someone else will come along with much better advice than I'm giving you; I'm just flying by the seat of my pants here. I am so sorry you're in this position to begin with; sorry for your dear mom, sorry for the callous approach your father & brother are taking, and sorry that you can't just pick up and move to Prague w/o a care in the world. You are a lovely young woman with a big heart full of love for your mom to care this much.

You've said "My boyfriend lives in Prague so I often spend long periods of time there with him." You obviously already know him so that's not an issue. As far as the 'pandemic' is concerned, it's a non-issue because the virus is endemic now so we all have to learn to LIVE with it. And so we shall. Prague is a fabulous city and I loved spending time there myself.

I wish you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. Sending you a hug and a prayer for strength, my friend.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Your Mom and her placement and her dementia really are the responsibility of your Father. You say you have plans to visit. While she can still recognize you and that you are visiting I think that is a wonderful plan. But I would encourage you to move on with your own life and leave your parents to negotiate their own lives. Your father may walk out and leave all of this in your lap. Then what? It is time for your Dad to recognize that this is on him to make plans for care and/or placement of your Mom when he cannot give 24/7 care she needs.
I encourage you to leave while you still can. I would speak little of it, and make the plans you have had all along and implement them. You have a right to your life. Your parents have lived theirs.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

"Over the past few years my mother’s mental health has deteriorated. Her short term memory isn’t great, she gets confused easily and can’t do much for herself." I think this describes someone more in mid stage than early.

Poor Dad, he can't take it. But its OK to leave Mom high and dry and probably expecting you to care for her. Time to tell him that he needs to find a solution because u will not be caring for her. Plus, ur Mom is entitled to marital assets. Maybe alimony. And him up and leaving a "sick" woman maybe not look good to a judge. He maybe able to get her on Medicaid and placed in LTC.

No you are not selfish, your father is. His vows were in sickness and health, this is the sickness and its up to him to do the caring or find someone or place that will. Its not up to a 21 yr old ready to start a life of her own to care for a parent when there is one who can do it.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I wouldn’t move until you make secure plans for your mother. You’ve had this long distance relationship for along time and don’t plan on moving for another year… a lot can be done in a year . Your father brother not interested .. you should assume POA over your mother. Sell house ... use her $ to find good care for her .. I think good memory care better than caregiver .. this way she’ll have people activities and eyes on her 24/7 … only move when you’ve secured good situation
for your mom. There are lots boyfriends but only one mother !!!
this way you’ll have few regrets !!!
think you should get going find elder care lawyer … find good care home/caregivers
best luck

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Dementia is not curable. It usually gets worse over time. My mother has advanced dementia. She's been declining for 8 years and now cannot do anything for herself. She can't walk, has to be assisted into a wheel chair, has to be fed, doesn't recognize me as her daughter, is not verbal, etc. If you can't face possibly years of caring for her as she declines, you should discuss Plan B with her while she is still capable of making decisions. She also may not want you to dedicate possibly years to caring for her. She has two basic choices, have in-home care with aides coming in to help her or living in an assisted living / memory care facility. Her choices may also depend on her finances. If you think you may be moving to a foreign country, an assisted living residence may be easier to handle. There are good residences and they have professional staff who know how to care for aging dementia clients. I've had experience with both as a caregiver (my aunt had a live-in aide and my mother is now in a memory care facility; it's much easier with a memory care facility, but choose a good one). Make sure all of her paperwork is in order. If she is in early stages of dementia and is still capable of making legal decisions, she needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial decisions, a living will, a will if she has assets (a house, a car, etc.). You may need an attorney to help with this, especially if she has assets. If she doesn't have assets, connect with a local social worker or senior-oriented organizations that can guide you through elder care. If it's too late to do the above, you should request guardianship for her. This is a legal action. You don't want the State to assign a guardian. You would lose all ability to help her with her medical and financial decisions if that happens. Hopefully you are already POA. Talk to your mother about taking over her finances. If she agrees, have all bills sent to your address and stop them going to her address. Set up her accounts online and set up autopay for her bills where possible. You should still review the statements and bills, but it's a lot easier when it's online, and if you decide to move to a foreign country, you can still do these things online. Life is not perfect. We are not superwomen and sometimes cannot do all of the caring that we want to do. If you move to a foreign country you will not be able to visit as often as you would living nearby, you'd have to set up a very safe and reliable situation for her where she'd be getting the needed care. You also have to think of your life and future.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

YOU COME FIRST....your mother has dementia and it will get worse and I assure you, never take into home anyone with dementia - it is pure hell and it will destroy you and you life. There is NO option - she must be placed and probably won't even know it. Go with your boyfriend and make a life for you while you have the chance. With dementia, say good bye (they are gone) and live the best life - you can still keep tabs and stay in touch.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

You need a elder attorney . Seems your mom needs to be protected . She is disabled . Assisted living time if you can’t be there .

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

No one can predict the future, but you can prepare for it. Make sure all your mothers legal and financial papers are organized and in place - including Health Care Proxy, durable POA, (perhaps with alternate person named when you are unavailable) Will/Trust. Set up a joint banking accounts so you can pay her bills and transfer money online. Line up the best possible care for her now, with the potential to increase hours in the future. Make sure you have all the necessary documents needed to file for Medicaid, if/when necessary. Proceed with your plans to move, knowing you have these matters taken care of. Life is short, live it until you can't. Put guilt aside and replace it with good planning.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

thank you, this was very helpful

(0)

Report

We can't decide if this is selfish or not. It all comes down to what you can live with. Let's say you move there and it turns out there really isn't much money for you to fly back and forth very often. Realistically, you aren't going to be able to help her much if you live in another country. -- Are YOU going to have to live with a lot of guilt if she passes or just forgets who you are? Seeing you often keeps you familiar. Without that regular routine, there's a good chance she forgets who you are much quicker.

As for the long distance relationship 'for years'. I'd be wondering why it has gone on for years and you never made the move. Especially when mom's health was probably better pre-dementia issue. Living with someone and having a long distance phone/internet/limited in person visits with someone are totally different. Is there any reason he never moved to be near you? And, considering this has been going on for years, your plan to be with him is still at least a year away....I'd question why one of you didn't make a move to be near each other 'years ago'. Is it possible both of you prefer the long distance romance and it would be better to just continue that way? No need to end it, just keep putting off a move as you have been doing?

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I was thinking the same about the relationship, has she watched 90 day fiancé. Few work out. I doubt I would abandon my mom for a ongoing long distance relationship.

(1)

Report

See 2 more replies

Move on with your life. Frontotemporal dementia is progressive and gets very difficult to manage, sometimes very quickly. This is Dad's responsibility, not yours. You are allowed to move forward with your life, he is not allowed to run away. He must work to make a long term care plan for her. If he dumps this on you at 21, he is a rotter and doesn't deserve your help and support. Also, you are not legally your mother's guardian. Dad is. He needs to step up and get Mom's care arranged before he sells the house, takes the money and runs. Don't let him get away with this - call a lawyer if you have to.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

You don't have to take care of your mother, but you have to make sure that she is being taken care of. Please make certain to enlist someone to routinely look in on her care, maybe only once a week.

I've heard time and again that it's a good idea for staff to see someone coming in to guarantee that she is not overlooked. You can hire someone.

As you are probably well aware with people with dementia, to be served food or brought to food does not ensure they put it in their mouths. Select some caring person not to do any work at all, other than to also make certain other simple things are done as well like casually checking if her bed sheets, clothes, etc., are fresh. Maybe that her sweater or shoes are not on another guest and she's not flopping around in men's slippers. Someone thoughtful and trustworthy. Doesn't have to be you, that can check that she is not ignored and slumping in a corner.

I'm an idiot, so my thinking may be wrong...but if I was aware that my boyfriend who's mom had only him to ensure/monitor her proper care, in whatever type of arrangement it was, and he decided to leave her so very far away FOR ME, boy oh boy, would I feel real special and proud of such a person. I'd be proud to introduce him to everyone and brag about such a catch.

Bon voyage.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

ouch, that last paragraph was really quite hurtful.

(0)

Report

No, you are not selfish. Sorry to sound cruel, however you’re moms life is ending. When dementia advances, she won’t even know who you are. Sorry, but that’s the way this disease works.

Yes, you will feel guilt. However if you stay with your mom, you will feel regret. You may even come to resent your mom, especially when it gets rough, like her accusing you of things you didn’t do, getting belligerent with you etc. Those things are so very common…just read some of the threads here.

Please do everything you can to ensure she has good care and then, get on with your life.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

abbvabb: Quite honestly, that's rich for your father and your brother to up and leave your mother high and dry when care is needed for her at a YOUNG 56 years of age. At 21 years of age yourself, I cannot believe that they're so uncaring. Perhaps you need to have a family meeting.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Please be sure you can live with yourself if you move to another country while your mother is in a battle that will not end well. Not your fault or your mothers. One question? If you move to another country and end up not happy then what? Just think about all sides, living with someone and not married can bring many challenges.
Best of luck to you.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Only you can answer this question which really is can YOU live with the guilt. Especially if you have no other sibling to look after her. Try this: On a paper make 3 columns, one titled Pros, one Cons and one Don’t Know.
(About leaving)Now start the process for your decision. When finished go back to the Don’t Knows and you’ll probably find a place for it in one of the other columns. ONLY you can figure out what is best for you. If this guilt you are feeling turns into shame you will have a hard time building a relationship with your SO. And be sure to ask him how he feels about it. Also, have confidence in yourself that you will make the right decision. A lot will depend on the stage of your mother’s dementia. Good luck. You have some work to do. And I know my reply won’t be popular but so be it.
love and light
Sabrina

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Am I selfish for wanting to move abroad for my boyfriend when my mother has dementia?

22 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions