After the tragic death of my precious son in law, I brought my very ill and crippled daughter into my home for 3 weeks. I wanted to comfort and help her temporarily. She was at first very sweet and loving though of course sad and grieving. She surprised me by how helpless and dependent and confused she was. I helped her arrange automatic deposit for her tiny 445o a month temporary income. My son in law's life insurance paid for his very nice funeral. My daughters income to my dismay totaled only $2,000 social security + the $450 for 13 months and then only $2,000. She has a mortgage payment of $910 a month. I arranged for automatic deduction of mortgage and utilities, etc. from her checking account. I, in the meantime paid her mortgage, utilities, and groceries for 3 months. My income is only $3100 a month so I could not continue that. She began to gradually become more and more helpless and yet demanding and even very abusive. My son called uber and had her removed from my home and transported back to her own home. All her deposits and payments are automatic now. I will not allow her back into my home. However, I am concerned she cannot cope on her own. She is very bitter and angry with me.
And your daughter is 65...it seems like it wouldn't be realistic for you to continue to take care of her.
It always surprised me that people have mortgages at 65 and older. Has your daughter checked to see if husband paid for Mortgage insurance? This would pay the balance of the mortgage off. Then the question is, can she afford to keep it up. Hopefully, she has some equity in the home and selling it she would make some profit. She could then find a 55 and up apartment. They are usually handicapped accessable. Some have activities. Common areas to meet other people. She needs to make a life for herself.
Your County Office of Aging should be able to help her with resources. Maybe even someone to help her learn to budget. Your County probably has a Disabilities Dept. She may get help there. There is help with utilities.
I am assuming you are in your mid 80s. Seem to be an independent person and can still do for yourself. But none of us knows when it will be our time. Your daughter needs to do for herself now. She can't be allowed to rely on others. We really don't help people by doing everything for them.
I had a friend who she and her hubby have passed. Nice people but they never taught their girls how to be independent. Which surprised me, because GF was a juvenile diabetic and had always had health problems. I would have thought the girls would have been taught to help more. But Mom felt she could do it all. This was OK till she turned 50 and had a massive heart attack and it was downhill from there. Well, neither girl has done all that well. The one actually lost the parents home. So she did her girls no favors. Do your daughter a favor and show her how to be independent. 😊
I'm very to read that her husband died. Had he been her primary caregiver for long?
I am sorry that she is being angry and bitter towards you, people that don't do anything productive seem to be like that no matter what you do for them.
Just love her and pray that she starts taking responsibility for herself, that is the only way her problems will ever get solved, not by tearing you apart.
Also, you did the right thing by sending her home. You supported her and guided her through the first phase. Now she must do it! You can’t do it for her.
You can encourage, you can suggest, but she must be the one to take her first step.
I don’t know how old her husband was but can she claim his social security if it is higher than her $2000? You might check into Section 8 housing for low income seniors. Paying nearly half for her housing is a lot. Can she be in a grief support group? Maybe ther is one online during Covid? Or she needs an antidepressant too?
She could need medical help and counseling to cope with her grief and get back on her feet. If she is prescribed antidepressant medication to help with her coping, it will take 30 days to take effect.
Be there from a distance unless you can take on more. If she were to move in with you it could become permanent.
How manageable are her illnesses? For example, if she has diabetes type 2 and is overweight then losing weight will help her control her diabetes. Just an example.
Please look into learned helplessness. She may have depended on her husband for too many things. If she got in and out of the Uber by herself, then she can function enough to maintain mobility and actively participate in life.
Encourage her to join a grief support group, see a geriatrician for a full workup, and talk to her pharmacist about her medications and unwanted side effects (confusion may not be dementia).
She is choosing to wallow in self pity. I understand that you feel for her - she's your daughter - but she is an adult and you need to treat her as one.
Sounds like your son sees things clearly. Maybe you and your son should pay her a visit at her home to see what's going on with her. I would not visit her alone given how "bitter and angry" she is with you.
If she is incompetent, then get a doctor to declare her incompetent. Before that visit, have her go see a lawyer to complete her will, powers of attorney (medical and financial), and advanced directive. I would suggest that she gives power to a younger, mentally competent family member - maybe your son.
My long deceased mother was an RN and Director of Nursing for a Catholic Rehab Home for many years. My mother and stepfather were very good at teaching us the importance of personal responsibility and what our responsibilities are in life.
An abusive 65 year old child is plenty old enough to be responsible for her own behavior. No you should not put your personal safety in jeopardy by her misbehavior. Now if you feel that she is a danger to herself, perhaps you need to have her put under the supervision of a court appointed Guardian.
One of the lessons learned from my mother was our responsibility to plan for our own futures. Four years ago I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ at the age of 57. While I still had enough together mentally, with the help of Agingcare. I learned a lot of planning tips from other people that posted comments about banking, settling your legal affairs, planning for the type of funeral you may want, driving privileges.
My wife and I were beginning to put together the legal work of estate planning, medical directives, wills, DPOA, etc, about one month in to these plans, was when I received my diagnosis. We laid our legal plans to our adult children, and made sure they understood what was behind in our thinking and about how they should approach planning for their own life events.
I gave up driving privileges back in March without being told I needed to turn my license, Yes, I am dependent on help from my family, but I never put anybody in the position of being taken advantage of. They also realize they have a life of their own and the freedom to go out in to the world and stake their own claims in the world.
I also explained to my DW and children, when it is time for me to go in to MC which I believe I'm still a couple of years away from
needing, I want to be put in a place at least 100 mi from our home. I want it to be inconvenient for them to visit, so they can keep tending to their own families and that my DW can go about living her life as she wishes, as she is 8 yrs younger than me. I've also told the children, they should not interfere with mom is she decides she wants to date, or remarry. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that some of this information has been helpful.
I believe you've done all you need to for a 65 year old child.
Good Luck.
You have such a blessed attitude and spirit. You are a pleasure.
What is the matter with your daughter. I mean in a literal sense. Is she suffering from early dementia, or from some illness that is debilitating or a mental illness of some sort that is diagnosed and treated?
Did your precious son-in-law leave insurance?
If you mean "severely crippled" in the literal sense, then it is clear your daughter will need to live in care. Has she been completely in the care of the son in law throughout life? If so it is unusual that he would leave her unprovided for. You also mention her age. This means that you, yourself, are no longer young. You would be unable to remain her caregiver for any appreciable length of time.
I am so sorry for all this grief for you both.
So many questions here. Hope you can update a bit.
As to mentally, I think she is grieving, firstly. But it is crucial now that she have some autonomy, even if she must live in care.
In hind sight, the very nice funeral money may have been better spent using less for the goodbye and more towards her care, but that is water under the bridge. At your age, you may need to use your money for your own care at any time. Gifting to others will hurt your ability to apply for Medicaid should you run out of savings and need to be in a facility bed. You can be penalized for monthly facility bills equal to the amounts you give away.
It seems clear that your daughter needs assistance and needs to live where she can receive help. It might be time to sit down w/her and show money coming in versus what she owes to explain she can't manage long before she loses her one asset, the house. It might be better to sell out and use the money for assisted living housing. The alternative is that you refinance house to make payment even lower over a longer period of time while rates are low. Maybe siblings can help pay for things she cannot afford - like the house insurance or taxes.
Without being too specific, as it is none of our business, can you clarify "ill" and "crippled"? Is her bitterness and anger due to making her move back to her own home or was she behaving this way during the temporary stay with you?
If she has medical issues (ill, crippled), there are services that may be provided to help her maintain some "independence".
If her husband's income, and therefore his SS was more, she might qualify for taking widow's benefit (see https://www.aarp.org/retirement/social-security/questions-answers/social-security-spouse-dies/) If she's 65, she is not yet considered to be full retirement age, but perhaps her disabilities might come into play? No way to know unless one of you contacts SS (call a local office, not the main number.)
Given her age and yours, plus the needs and behavioral issues, taking her back into your home would probably be the wrong thing to do. If her bitterness and anger started after you sent her back home, she will need to get over it. There isn't a lot you can do to change that, other than try to be morally supportive. If it started while she was in your home, it might be part of her grief and dismay at losing her husband, esp if he was very attentive and supportive. Becoming "more helpless" and demanding, even abusive could also be part of that. Again, there isn't much you can do to change that - she needs some help with that, but she will have to seek out that help. You could provide her with information about possible services available to her for getting help, both emotionally and physically, but she is most likely going to have to work this out herself. Unless she is cognitively impaired, enough so that living alone and performing ADLs isn't possible, the best you can do is provide information and moral support. If she is still on speaking terms with your son, but not you, perhaps he can play go-between for you.
Hoping she gets the assistance she needs to be able to move forward.
Perhaps she is experiencing an onslaught of dementia due to poor lifestyle habits and diet. Maybe the home needs to be put up for sale and get her into an assisted living while you can do it while she is more mobile and not eventually bedridden.
Get some help. And get God's Best for her and you.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and some prayers that your daughter gets evaluated and then gets some help.