After the tragic death of my precious son in law, I brought my very ill and crippled daughter into my home for 3 weeks. I wanted to comfort and help her temporarily. She was at first very sweet and loving though of course sad and grieving. She surprised me by how helpless and dependent and confused she was. I helped her arrange automatic deposit for her tiny 445o a month temporary income. My son in law's life insurance paid for his very nice funeral. My daughters income to my dismay totaled only $2,000 social security + the $450 for 13 months and then only $2,000. She has a mortgage payment of $910 a month. I arranged for automatic deduction of mortgage and utilities, etc. from her checking account. I, in the meantime paid her mortgage, utilities, and groceries for 3 months. My income is only $3100 a month so I could not continue that. She began to gradually become more and more helpless and yet demanding and even very abusive. My son called uber and had her removed from my home and transported back to her own home. All her deposits and payments are automatic now. I will not allow her back into my home. However, I am concerned she cannot cope on her own. She is very bitter and angry with me.
As you've already found, she may 'want' to live with you/ be looked after by you - but will 'need' a different solution.
You are doing a great job working with the social worker to find this. Best of luck.
Can you or your son get in touch with a social worker or district nurse who might be able to suggest something? Your son got her out from under your feet, it's time for him to step up to the plate now and get help for his sister so she won't end up living with you again.
It wasn't drugs or drink. He didn't know what was the cause - a health condition or cognitive issue.
He felt (after the first stay was unsuccessful like yours) that wasn't the answer. He provided phone numbers to call. Lifeline, social welfare agencies like The Salvation Army & a local church welfare service. He hoped she would call one & get a case manager. One who could start working out how to find the right place for her in the world. Somewhere with support services checking in - somewhere she could be as independant as was possible for her.
Maybe this daughter needs a financial trustee? But maybe more.
At 65 it's young but not unheard of to need AL. The daughter may be relieved not to deal with arranging meals & paying bills. Would get help for care too (ill & crippled was mentioned).
The daughter has to see she needs help & to want to make those calls though.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. Sending you a hug and some prayers that your daughter gets evaluated and then gets some help.
Perhaps she is experiencing an onslaught of dementia due to poor lifestyle habits and diet. Maybe the home needs to be put up for sale and get her into an assisted living while you can do it while she is more mobile and not eventually bedridden.
Get some help. And get God's Best for her and you.
Without being too specific, as it is none of our business, can you clarify "ill" and "crippled"? Is her bitterness and anger due to making her move back to her own home or was she behaving this way during the temporary stay with you?
If she has medical issues (ill, crippled), there are services that may be provided to help her maintain some "independence".
If her husband's income, and therefore his SS was more, she might qualify for taking widow's benefit (see https://www.aarp.org/retirement/social-security/questions-answers/social-security-spouse-dies/) If she's 65, she is not yet considered to be full retirement age, but perhaps her disabilities might come into play? No way to know unless one of you contacts SS (call a local office, not the main number.)
Given her age and yours, plus the needs and behavioral issues, taking her back into your home would probably be the wrong thing to do. If her bitterness and anger started after you sent her back home, she will need to get over it. There isn't a lot you can do to change that, other than try to be morally supportive. If it started while she was in your home, it might be part of her grief and dismay at losing her husband, esp if he was very attentive and supportive. Becoming "more helpless" and demanding, even abusive could also be part of that. Again, there isn't much you can do to change that - she needs some help with that, but she will have to seek out that help. You could provide her with information about possible services available to her for getting help, both emotionally and physically, but she is most likely going to have to work this out herself. Unless she is cognitively impaired, enough so that living alone and performing ADLs isn't possible, the best you can do is provide information and moral support. If she is still on speaking terms with your son, but not you, perhaps he can play go-between for you.
Hoping she gets the assistance she needs to be able to move forward.
In hind sight, the very nice funeral money may have been better spent using less for the goodbye and more towards her care, but that is water under the bridge. At your age, you may need to use your money for your own care at any time. Gifting to others will hurt your ability to apply for Medicaid should you run out of savings and need to be in a facility bed. You can be penalized for monthly facility bills equal to the amounts you give away.
It seems clear that your daughter needs assistance and needs to live where she can receive help. It might be time to sit down w/her and show money coming in versus what she owes to explain she can't manage long before she loses her one asset, the house. It might be better to sell out and use the money for assisted living housing. The alternative is that you refinance house to make payment even lower over a longer period of time while rates are low. Maybe siblings can help pay for things she cannot afford - like the house insurance or taxes.
What is the matter with your daughter. I mean in a literal sense. Is she suffering from early dementia, or from some illness that is debilitating or a mental illness of some sort that is diagnosed and treated?
Did your precious son-in-law leave insurance?
If you mean "severely crippled" in the literal sense, then it is clear your daughter will need to live in care. Has she been completely in the care of the son in law throughout life? If so it is unusual that he would leave her unprovided for. You also mention her age. This means that you, yourself, are no longer young. You would be unable to remain her caregiver for any appreciable length of time.
I am so sorry for all this grief for you both.
So many questions here. Hope you can update a bit.
As to mentally, I think she is grieving, firstly. But it is crucial now that she have some autonomy, even if she must live in care.
My long deceased mother was an RN and Director of Nursing for a Catholic Rehab Home for many years. My mother and stepfather were very good at teaching us the importance of personal responsibility and what our responsibilities are in life.
An abusive 65 year old child is plenty old enough to be responsible for her own behavior. No you should not put your personal safety in jeopardy by her misbehavior. Now if you feel that she is a danger to herself, perhaps you need to have her put under the supervision of a court appointed Guardian.
One of the lessons learned from my mother was our responsibility to plan for our own futures. Four years ago I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ at the age of 57. While I still had enough together mentally, with the help of Agingcare. I learned a lot of planning tips from other people that posted comments about banking, settling your legal affairs, planning for the type of funeral you may want, driving privileges.
My wife and I were beginning to put together the legal work of estate planning, medical directives, wills, DPOA, etc, about one month in to these plans, was when I received my diagnosis. We laid our legal plans to our adult children, and made sure they understood what was behind in our thinking and about how they should approach planning for their own life events.
I gave up driving privileges back in March without being told I needed to turn my license, Yes, I am dependent on help from my family, but I never put anybody in the position of being taken advantage of. They also realize they have a life of their own and the freedom to go out in to the world and stake their own claims in the world.
I also explained to my DW and children, when it is time for me to go in to MC which I believe I'm still a couple of years away from
needing, I want to be put in a place at least 100 mi from our home. I want it to be inconvenient for them to visit, so they can keep tending to their own families and that my DW can go about living her life as she wishes, as she is 8 yrs younger than me. I've also told the children, they should not interfere with mom is she decides she wants to date, or remarry. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that some of this information has been helpful.
I believe you've done all you need to for a 65 year old child.
Good Luck.
You have such a blessed attitude and spirit. You are a pleasure.
If she is incompetent, then get a doctor to declare her incompetent. Before that visit, have her go see a lawyer to complete her will, powers of attorney (medical and financial), and advanced directive. I would suggest that she gives power to a younger, mentally competent family member - maybe your son.
How manageable are her illnesses? For example, if she has diabetes type 2 and is overweight then losing weight will help her control her diabetes. Just an example.
Please look into learned helplessness. She may have depended on her husband for too many things. If she got in and out of the Uber by herself, then she can function enough to maintain mobility and actively participate in life.
Encourage her to join a grief support group, see a geriatrician for a full workup, and talk to her pharmacist about her medications and unwanted side effects (confusion may not be dementia).
She is choosing to wallow in self pity. I understand that you feel for her - she's your daughter - but she is an adult and you need to treat her as one.
Sounds like your son sees things clearly. Maybe you and your son should pay her a visit at her home to see what's going on with her. I would not visit her alone given how "bitter and angry" she is with you.
She could need medical help and counseling to cope with her grief and get back on her feet. If she is prescribed antidepressant medication to help with her coping, it will take 30 days to take effect.
Be there from a distance unless you can take on more. If she were to move in with you it could become permanent.