Certainly not an easy decision. As a matter of fact it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I moved my mom in with my me and my husband about one year ago. Mom’s condition has been steadily declining and it has put a terrible strain on my marriage. I found a good skilled nursing home called Gurwin on Long Island for her.
I realize the Covid crisis will make it very hard to see her and my sister is now in panic mode because she may not be able to visit her. She NOW wants her to live with her and have round the clock nurses aides come to her home. I have spent months getting mom Medicaid eligible for nursing home placement . I saw the writing on the wall. I have kept all my siblings up to date with all the decisions I have made and now that mom can go into a good home my one sister who is a single mom with a 15 year old son wants to take her in. Honestly, she can barely take care of herself. Her emotions are dictating her decision to fight me on this. I love my mom too and to place her now during a pandemic was not a decision made lightly. Mom needs attention and care round the clock. She can do a few things like feeding herself and toileting at times but now she’s incontinent of urine most of time. The stress over the last year as her caregivers put a terrible strain on our marriage. My husband refuses to have help at home and I have to respect that even though I disagree. Any advice?
Am I wrong to place mom during all the Covid visiting restrictions and at times NO visitors. My sister is very close to my mom and she’ll not do well if she can’t visit her.
Your marriage is #1 here. Moms decline will continue to the point ur sister cannot care for her. And she should be enjoying her childs teen years. Shortly he will be on his own. I assume she works.
Do what you need to do. At this point Mom probably has no idea what is going on. Tell her she is going to a new apartment and will have new friends. It worked with my Mom.
I myself would do the placement. I would however know exactly what I am letting myself in for, because this could be the end of the relationship with my sister, and could in fact mean the death of your Mom from covid. That is a lot to be able to shoulder should worse come to worse.
Only you know your sister well enough to know if in home at her house might work. If it is very very clear to you that it would not/could not, then I would sit her down and tell her all the reasons why, and tell her that you fully understand you are risking her love and your Mom's life; it is what she will accuse you of. If you think there is a chance in Hades that your Sis can do this, then you might let her try during covid, warn her against spending her money, do not spend your own, and let the home know that this last ditch effort is going to be tried for three months, that you are quite certain it will not work, but that you cannot risk your Sister's love and your Mom's life without giving it a try first.
The two paths are clear. Only you can make the decision. There is no right and wrong here. These are desperate times in which there are no good answers and not everything can be fixed.
If she had NOT been where she was, I doubt that she would have survived.
If she has a medical POA, that person will have say, but I would have no reservations solely based on Covid.
The huge surge in NY has mostly passed - yes there still are cases, but there are cases everywhere. As someone else pointed out, with onset of winter, flu, colds, etc will become more prevalent as well. Your mother would just as likely catch this virus or any other virus going around staying with you or your sister, as you have tasks to do outside the home, just like anyone else. Your homes are less likely to have strict sanitizing like a facility would as well. (sure there are lax places, but this doesn't appear to be one of them!)
Having a 15yo in the home might make it even more risky, as many under 18 can catch and spread the virus (and other illnesses) without any symptoms. Also, if she has a 15yo at home, is she currently working? If so, who will take care of your mother? Aides? It is very expensive to hire 24/7, or even enough to cover a working day (8 hr + commute, etc.) If there's no money, how will the aides be paid? If she hasn't done any of the care mom gets now, then she also has no idea how hard it is and how much harder it will become, even if she isn't working!
I did look up the place you mentioned, sounds like a great place. For worries about the virus, see:
https://www.gurwin.org/frequently-asked-questions-related-to-covid-19/
On that page, there is a link Visitation Update. Check that too. It does say that as restrictions are loosening, limited outdoor visits are about to start (as of today, it says Oct 7). If they do get a case, it resets the clock and stops visits, but still, it isn't like she would never see her! They also appear to have "drive through" visits. Granted this is more difficult, because the person stays inside and you stay in your car, but you still get to see each other! I had one outdoor visit with mom a few weeks ago. Between dementia, the masks, 6' distancing AND mom's lack of hearing, it was mostly a waste of time, but it is what it is.
If possible, perhaps they can also set up video visits. Most likely it would require help from staff, depending on how much your mother can understand/do, but at the least you both would be able to see and talk to her, just not in person.
After all the time and effort you've put into it (did she balk last minute?), you really don't want to miss this opportunity just to soothe your sister. If things didn't work out for sister doing the care, how long and difficult would it be to start over and find a place? On the flip side, if it *really* didn't pan out, and you both agreed it wasn't the right fit, you could take her out and let sister try, but I doubt that would happen!
Go for it!
He is allowed to have visitors (masked, six feet apart, no touching) whenever the facility tests negative for CoVid. They test employees twice a week. They test the residents if an employee tests positive and then they will suspend visitors for two weeks.
It's not ideal. But it isn't as bad as it was in March to place someone in care. Best of luck to your family. Placing someone in care is gut wrenching at any time- but it's especially hard now because of CoVId.
If you need 24 hour care, they will not approve home care as it's not cost effective for Medicaid compared with a nursing home. It's a tough decision for sure-especially now.
If the placement won't be happening immediately, is it possible for your sister to come to your house (rather than uprooting mom and sending her to her house) and be responsible for mom for a week while you and your husband take a much-needed vacation (even if it is only nearby) in order to safeguard your own marriage? That might be just the thing she needs to see that moving mom to a care facility is the best option.
Your sister is speaking only with her emotions, until you are a 24/7 care provider there is NO clue what it involved. While she hears you she isn't seeing past her nose, and lives in a world with rose colored glasses in this instance. She is also not thinking about her son, seeing a grandparent who is declining in abilities is a traumatic experience and he is also unaware of the things he will no longer be able to do because of this. Having a 24/7 round the clock care for your mom is going to be a very expensive proposition, is your sister hiding a pot of gold somewhere? I found that it was more expensive to have 24/7 care than having my dad in a care facility. Can your mom's finances handle the average of $20+ per hour for the care your sister is looking at providing, plus their maybe paperwork or tax things. There are approximately 168 hours in a week and on average there are 4 weeks in a month so that equals approximately 672 hours a month which with my math figures is approximately $13,440 a month for home care, this does not include the things that are still necessary for your mom's care: food, toileting supplies including wipes, and adult diapers, medications, things to drink, clothing etc. Even if you find qualified people who only receive $15 you will still be investing $10,080 in her home care.
A vaccine may or may not be available any time soon and even when it comes out, there is always risk that it will not be a viable answer, since COVID is a form of SARS which has come back in a much more potent strain there is no cure for the original SARS. There are many people who are successfully surviving in a Alzheimer's or other form of senior living facility who have not contracted the virus. Fro what I am reading of your post, mom is getting worse and it is a strain on you now, from experience dealing with dementia/Alzheimer's it is devastating and debilitating, but also is very difficult for the care provider as it progresses mentally and physically. Sit down with your sister and work out the best plan of care which is not based on your emotions but based on the reality of the situation.
How much longer can you possibly be a 24/7 care provider?
Will your marriage survive?
How many hours can your sister take her to her home to care 24/7?
Can you/she afford to have someone come and help at the home such as visiting angels?
Alzheimer's can maintain in the same state for as little as a day to years. Mom's mind is already going and in some areas are already gone.
While not taking it lightly, Mom would be best off in a home and even if you can't visit that should not be of concern, she will receive better care in a facility than in you or your sisters care. As mom gets worse she will be unable to take her medications, walk without falling and you both will be trapped not being able to do anything worse than it is now.
It might resolve it without you looking like the bad guy.
If your sister is willing to try to take this on, I think u she consider it. And support her as she adjusts to the demands around the corner.
Taking the best care possible of our parents is right. Very difficult and takes. More out of us then we think we have. And then some.
go ahead and have ur mom on Medicaid and live with sister. Will be very very hard on mom not being able to see family. May COVid will be behind us in six months!
best to you!
Sorry madam that we amputated your leg, but that was the only way we knew for sure how to cure your hangnail problem.
On top of caregiving you have spent a lot of time getting mom medicaid. Do not allow yourself to be abused in this way. Sister will need to get over her emotions and do what is best for mom.