Am I wrong to place my mom w/ Alzheimer’s who currently lives with me and my husband in a nursing home during Covid? My sister thinks so.

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Am I wrong to place my mom w/ Alzheimer’s who currently lives with me and my husband in a nursing home during Covid? My sister thinks so.

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Dont put her in a home! She will hate it. She will feel confused,
unsafe, sad, lonely and unloved and will get very depressed and her life most likely be cut short.

The Best Choice znd what would be the Safest and Happiest ace for your mom is to live with your sister.
Let your sister take care of your mom.
She is single so there won't be a problem about putting a strain on a marriage and her son is old enough to help out.

It's deffiently worth a try, for your mom's sake.

Ask your mom what she thinks and I'm sure she won't think long to say your sister verses a home.

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Lots of assumptions here. None of us can know with certainty that her mother will hate and feel unloved in NH. Nor that sister is equipped to safely provide the care needed. Sometimes there aren’t easy answers

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We had to do that exact thing. Mom and Dad came to live with me and my family with the idea that we were going to start working on Medicaid and eventually move her to a home. She came here because we have better facilities and her hometown's facility that took Medicaid is known for elder abuse and has had many lawsuits against them. They came in November and first step was trying to get her diagnosed because we all suspected she had Lewy Body Dementia along with her Parkinson's and her hallucinations and delusions were getting worse by the day. When Covid came, our plan was to wait until there was a vaccine or things got better but she went downhill so fast we felt like we didn't have a choice. She first went into an assisted living and then my dad threw such a fit about being separated that they ended up in the Veteran's home. It has been a blessing. The staff is wonderful and take great care of them and even though they have had 2 cases of Covid on staff, everyone was quarantined quickly and there has been no spread at this point. It was very hard because my mom did not ever want to go into a home but she had gotten to the point where we absolutely could not care for her and we did try to bring some in home care for her but it was very limited and she hadn't qualified for Medicaid yet. The veteran's home worked hard to get my parents Medicaid and it just went through this week! It is scary to send them to a facility but my family was suffering trying to care for her. Good luck and it sounds like you are making the best decision for everyone.

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We just placed my 98 year old mother in a nursing home. She has dementia, needs 24 hour care, no longer can walk or go to the bathroom by herself. She was living with my sister for the last 3 years in Texas. My sister was burnt out and she has health issues. This was the hardest decision we ever made. Mom had to stay in quarantine for 14 days with no visitors. What helped us tremendously was we were able to facetime with her with the help of an aid. What also happened is that mom got stimulation from others which was good. They can tell their same 4 stories over and over again and no one cares. Don't get me wrong, my sister did a great job, but it was time. The interaction with others at the nursing home, be it nurses, aids or residences sort of livened her up. It's been 3 weeks and we had window visits and mom is doing good. She is more talkative. Just facetimed with her and she doesn't remember the window visits, but that's ok. We did the right thing for all.

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Nursing homes are now better protected than when the virus first started. At the beginning, there were no norms or protocols, and the virus became our of control in these facilities. First call and ask questions. If asked, facilities will tell you if they have any active cases. Place her in one that does not have any. They now operate in a much more safe way.

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There are rules and restrictions about visiting people who are living in New York State assisted living facilities. My mother is in a NYS facility. The restrictions happen mostly when a staff person or resident tests positive for the virus. There can also be restrictions on visitors if there is a flu outbreak in the facility. We can only visit once every 2 weeks. There are no visitors allowed unless 14 days of no positive test results (for staff, residents and visitors) take place. Now visitors also have to prove that we have negative test results within 7 days of our visit. This does mean that there will be times when we can't visit. The rules are for the safety of the residents and staff. I feel that my mother is safer in her facility than she would be living with me. Having aides come in also poses a risk. I had to accept that others could care for her better than I can (it was shocking and humbling for me to realize this). I also had to accept that I would not be visiting her as often. My mother turned out to be 'tougher' than I thought, and she has done well since March, despite having advanced dementia (she can't do anything for herself) and being in hospice. So the question is, where will your mother get the best care? And are you making a decision based on your mother's best interests?

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I think ur husband should be more understanding, supportive..:caring for ur mother should not be a cause of strain to ur marriage. U shouldn’t have to feel torn. That’s ur mom! ❤️
go with what’s in ur heart...the time u have left with her u don’t wanna lose. Be grateful ur sis is there n wants to take her. That will help with the strain in ur marriage. It shouldn’t just be u. Ur not an only child...let ur siblings help.
i lost my mom in February...I would do anything for her...u will look back n the time just goes tooo fast. N she’s gone. 💔💔💔

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I feel for all of you...but your hopefully objective opinion of your sister's and her circumstances leads me to think you are between the rock and the hard place. How close is your sister? Would she typically visit THAT often? Can she and son come visit (I know, COVID issues there as well potentially if traveling, coming under your roof). Maybe neither of them can comprehend the constant 24/7 unrelenting demands of the circumstances particularly with someone incontinent.

I'd wonder about mom going there and letting them all try it out. But you and I and the rest of us here know how unrealistic it is and the problems a change of environment can cause. This is most likely to result in an unnecessary stressor for you mom.

As for hubby...at one point I would have wanted to hit him over the head multiple times for refusing any help to relieve your burden...but having tried to have hired help ourselves last year...I get it. There are so many hassles, problems, concerns in hiring privately...UNLESS you are one of the lucky ones. But it seems like now things are past the point of even trying that.

So...sadly, when you take it all into consideration, you're wise to contemplate the nursing home alternative. Very sad, but realistic. And as you said, potentially anticipating this, you have pre-planned as much as possible and found a good place. You've done all you can. Just have to wonder what hubby would be thinking if it was HIS mother. Good luck with it all...

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I did research many homes in my area and found one with no COVID in their patients or their staff. The staff is carefully screened at the start of their shift. Everyone who comes in to see the LO has to have their temp taken and answer the standard questions. We are only allowed to stay for 15 to 20 minutes but it is long enough for me to see her and kinda look her over. I actually can see her longer now because she is on hospice care but the standards are wonderful. I live in MI so we are the "lockdown" state. But at least we can see her.

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Round the clock caregiving is VERY difficult. The decision you made to protect your marriage is an honorable decision.
You took a bit of a risk putting her there during COVID. However, sometimes we do what we must. I am sure your mom will get good care.
Your sister has no idea how challenging caregiving is. Only those of us on the front lines know the round the clock struggles.
Take a deep breath. Every thing will be fine. You did what you needed to do.

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It is difficult but the best thing for your mom is to be put into the home you have arranged.
You did your due diligence.
If your sister did not help before what makes her think she can handle it now?

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Barbrany3 says:

"I am going to proceed with placing my mom now. We have the opportunity to place her in one of the best nursing homes on Long Island."

Good to hear back from you. Despite the nay-sayers, this is likely the best solution. Worst case, if things didn't work out, you can take her out. If Sis took her in and couldn't cope, you would be back to square 1, your home, until such time as you could repeat all the hard work you did to get this in place!

For those nay-sayers:

1) "I have spent months getting mom Medicaid eligible for nursing home placement." - THIS implies no funds to cover IN-HOME care. Not likely they have a tree out back growing money.

2) "I have kept all my siblings up to date with all the decisions I have made and now that mom can go into a good home my one sister who is a single mom with a 15 year old son wants to take her in." Sis had MONTHS to figure out she wanted to do this and work out the details. Last minute knee jerk decisions almost NEVER work out they way one wants. BAD idea.

3) "Honestly, she can barely take care of herself." If sis can barely take care of herself and her 15yo son, how is she going to do this? Plus. this will be a 24/7 job, sis works and even if she can come up with funds to cover aides during the work day, WHO is going to do all the work needed? Sis wants to visit mom, but has she ever taken care of her, so she knows what it involves? Bet not.

4) Even if sis is aware of current care and could barely manage it, it will NOT improve, it will only get worse.

5) chances of bringing in the virus, esp with a school age kid in the house, are likely greater than in a facility, where they have strict sanitizing rules. Yes, it can spread like wildfire in a facility, but it can in the home too. Not likely home care givers are using protocols.

The place OP has chosen (looked it up and read about it) sounds like a wonderful place, and given no virus detected, there are visitations allowed, to a point.

Knee-jerk reactions are not the right way to make plans. If sis had a plan, she could have proposed it long ago AND tried taking mom in, as a trial period. Nope. Last minute panic. Nope. BAD idea.

Additionally, if you read OP's profile, her mother has some serious issues!
"alzheimer's / dementia, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, osteoporosis, and stroke." These all combined would put a serious strain on anyone trying to care for the person, even with some daytime coverage, never mind a working mom who can "barely take care of herself."

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Thank you for summing it all up. You are helping me stay positive. Thank you!

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Sis is making a decision based on her heart, not her brain. Have her come stay with you for a week to really see what it takes to care for Mom. Preferably when you and hubby go away together for a much needed break. It would probably be very eye opening for her.
Then she may become more realistic.

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I agree. Tell sister to come - not for a week, but for a month - to do the 24 hour care for your mom. Don't do anything to help after showing her where everything is and giving her about 2-3 day training on every day tasks.

Sister needs to know how much time is spent each day to care for her even if sis works from home. If there are finances to allow for 24 hour care - then do it. Let sis have her time with mom. When she can no longer do it, she will have to make a decision. If there is one single person in the family willing to give it a go - let them. What can it hurt? And sis will feel better knowing she tried.

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you are not wrong you are doing what's best for mom and that is the best thing you can do for her if you don't it will cause problems with your husband i was in the same situation with my husband and his mother we were fighting all the time and we were newly wed we were at her place 24/7 i work from 530 to 230 and my husband works nights 7 days a week so i told my husband to get help for her because we are not going to be here it came down to i had to give him a choice and it's because of this very site that give me the courage do say that i told him it's our marriage or his mom and brother who he was listening too which never help i was to a point to ehere i was loosing my self and my health also so take it from us on this site it's the best thing for you and mom i know we love our mom but sometimes it's out of our hands god bless good luck

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place you mom do it you may not get another chance too

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Barbrany: I did see your update wherein you stated that you're going to proceed to place your mother in the nursing home. Best of luck.

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I guess I missed you last sentence about sister close to mom and won't do well if she can't visit mom. Another reason to let mom go to sister's house after you discuss the plan with her. How will the 24 hour care be paid for is number one if you have spent all mom's money down to qualify for Medicaid.

I am curious what happened to mom's money if it wasn't used to hire in home health while she was with you (in order to qualify for Medicaid). If the money is actually stashed, then use it to help sister get mom set up in sister's home. The no visits are VERY difficult for those who cannot visit the loved ones. And you are going in to this knowing it will be more than difficult for your sister. Don't do it.

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You missed a few other points as well, such as OP has taken MONTHS to prepare for NH and Medicaid AND kept family up to date with everything. Where was sister all those months? Wrapped in her own issues? Denial? Last minute realization panic? Just that alone would hint at her not being a capable person for this task.

You also imply that OP has "spent all mom's money down to qualify for Medicaid." Spending down doesn't mean you can willy-nilly spend it on anything or buy whatever you decide. Generally you would be expected to use any assets on-hand to pay towards the initial cost of the facility. Since this would all would have happened in that 5 yr lookback, I doubt OP did any of that, otherwise they would be penalized and have to pay up.

Generally, unless her mom and/or dad saved up a lot over the years, a residence might be the only real valuable asset, which Medicaid doesn't require be sold to pay (likely puts a lien on it, to be paid up after mom passes), BUT OP's profile mentions an apartment, so it isn't likely mom had some big treasure chest to be "spent". Most likely she has a minimal SS payment and maybe a small pension from her husband.

"I am curious what happened to mom's money.." That is basically a NONEYA, as in none of your business... Be curious all you want, but posting that implies that OP has done something wrong, or at least shady. Also, "If the money is actually stashed", as you put it, Medicaid WOULD find out AND require it to be used to cover the cost of the facility before they would buck up. They would find any transfer of assets, because OP has been working on this for months, NOT 5 years!

The real issue here is sis - she had PLENTY of time and OPPORTUNITY to express her wish to take mom in and not use the NH. She could have expressed it while OP was making the other plans. She could have used those months as a trial period and probably would have quickly found herself in over her head. Medicaid could contribute to some, and I stress SOME, in-home care help too, so if mom was approved while sis was caring, she could look forward to a bit of help, but not enough and likely not enough in the meantime, since she works full time.

I also don't know who said it, but seriously, asking a 15 yo boy to look after a grandmother with ALL the issues she has? Most 15 yo's don't even want to clean their rooms or do chores. Helping grandma out here and there is one thing. Having to devote your free time after school tending to grandma every day isn't going to end well!

Since she didn't bring any of this up during the MONTHS-LONG process, at this point OP would lose the NH spot, lose all the work done to get Medicaid approved and still not know how to fund sister's cockamamie unfunded and ill-advised "plan" (has to be quotes on plan, as there ISN'T ONE!)

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In my opinion,
NO! You are NOT wrong! Your sister should have stepped up earlier (although it doesn’t sound like that would have worked long term) . Your mother’s condition is only going to worsen. Your marriage is important, her safety and care are important.
I have learned that sometimes it is much better (certainly less depressing - FOR ALL) for someone else, (not related), to do the caregiving. They chose this occupation and are most likely well suited for it. The loved one is spared the embarrassment in front of their family member of repeatedly soiling their adult diapers etc. Also it alleviates any short tempers which can arise (my experience) while watching in disbelief that your own mother can’t do THE MOST SIMPLEST OF TASKS. Hits you to the core....
Covid SUCKS, and I struggled too when my mom 94 yr old mother was in Rehab and I could only visit from the street looking in the window. Fortunately I found her an excellent “Board and Care” that converted the Garage to a visitor’s spot. They have the garage door open, we wear masks and are 6 feet apart. It is $4,800 a month and we will need to sell her condo soon to pay for it. When/if that $ runs out before she dies, she will go into a Nursing Facility. We have to do what we have to do for them (with LOVE) but NOT to the point where it is destructive to our own relationships and the relationship with those we are caring for.

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Another sensible comment! While for most the thought of placing a LO in a facility isn't a first choice, it often becomes the best choice. In an ideal world we could take care of the LO to the end, but we don't live in an ideal world and there are so many factors in caring for a LO that can be beyond our own capability, that it is good to have another option.

Those who keep spewing how horrible places are (and how horrible we are to place them!) may have had a bad experience or more than one, BUT one has to take the time to check out places. The devil is in the details, so if you just look and see 5 star ratings, you are NOT doing your job! We checked several places.

One I eliminated right away. The one my brother found was more expensive, had a lousy set up mom would hate (2br, shared bathroom, so she'd be in with someone else - NO WAY!) and an even worse view from the windows (parking lot and 4 lane road with many businesses!) The one I was originally considering was torn down and rebuilt into a lovely IL/AL/MC place. The layout was very nice and the people I was dealing with were also nice. I still asked questions, but the deposit was refundable, so I locked in for when they would open. I don't regret it at all! If I had to be in a facility, I would choose this one! I've met various people, residents and staff of AL and MC, admin staff and was able to see the place MANY times before lock down (she's been there over 3.5 yrs now) and NEVER saw anything bad going on, clean, kind, considerate, friendly staff, happy people on the AL side - what's not to like?

Mom's care has progressed from being mobile and able to do most self-care, to a walker, to needing help with bathing and toileting, eventually ending up in a wheelchair (lack of use and fear of falling mostly), so most of her care is assisted. She's now having difficulty feeding herself and becoming a potential choking hazard due to a stroke which affected her right side. I was assured that even if she becomes bed-ridden and we get hospice (denied for now), she can remain to the end - I won't have to scramble to get a place in a NH!!!

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Yes it is a hard decision and bless you for taking care of her as long as you could. It is a hard job. You are not wrong in trying to place your mom and IF this place is good then great for your mom. I am assuming you have POA....if so then your decision is what counts and bless you for keeping everyone else updated on info. Yes it will be hard to not be able to visit, but you might have to explain to your sister that in this situation there is no way that you OR her has the physical means of taking care of her properly. And finding someone to come into the home also has it challenges. I am sure that your sister could do "face time" with your mom, sure its not like actually seeing her physically, but its better than nothing. And what happens IF your sister does take her into the home and then finds out she can't handle it. And will the 15 year old also find it easy, probably not due to the "hormones" of teenagers. She might find she will have more issues than she bargained for. I am sure that soon in the future people will be allowed to visit (with masks, glove,gowns on) and in a separate area from everyone else, to see their loved ones. Please explain that you all want the best for your mom and right now is the NH with 24/7 care and that you all can face time or talk to telephone to her (no its not like in person, but it will have to do). I am wishing you luck on this matter.

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Your mother has Alzheimers and that is a one way street. The behaviors and needs are going to be off the charts and most people simply cannot or will not put up with them or be able to handle these people. Do what you can for safety and care and put her in a facility. You have no control over the virus, no one does. If this situation is harming you and your marriage, and it is, then do the only thing you can do - place her. You still have a life and hopefully a marriage ahead of you and her time is limited. Do something now or you will regret it more when you are left all alone with no husband or family.

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Very tough issue but the real problem seems to be your husband. Is it an economic issue, a control issue, a privacy issue, a miser issue or a greed issue? In any case, that’s the part you need to deal with now. You are only placing your mother because of the strain on your marriage. You’ll also be placing her in a Medicaid nursing home. I’d think twice about this plan until normal visitation and oversight of her care can be provided by your sister. It isn’t fair for your sister to have to take over because of what your husband is obviously forcing you into doing during a pandemic.

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Yes you’re correct in that my husband is a factor in my decision to place my mom at this juncture. But in fairness to him he has been looking after her the 2 days a week that I continue to work. Money really isn’t the issue. My husband just retired last year and since then he’s been at home with my mom and me. He’s 66 and also suffers from depression after losing his son at 25 years of age to suicide. Being around my mother who is very depressing to be around... has absolutely no interest in anything... is affecting him. My mom has always suffered her whole life with depression and refused help. My husband doesn’t want outside assistance through community Medicaid. He doesn’t want strangers coming and going into our home. My mom is declining in every way with each passing day. Such a difficult place for me to be in and have to choose between him and my mom. Could my husband be a better man..... I think so but I’m between a rock and a hard place.

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You have received many good answers here. There is truly no perfect solution to your situation, and many of us have loved ones in similar circumstances. Your sister is reacting emotionally, and not thinking through the situation rationally or intellectually. Can you explain your decision to her, as difficult as it is, in the way you have here? COVID-19 has made all of these heartrending decisions exponetially and painfully worse, but it would be well worth your time to try and make your sister see reason, if at all possible. As we go into the fall and winter, the cases are already starting to pick up, and along with it the window of opportunity for placing your mother as safely as is possible under most difficult and challenging circumstances. Sending prayers for peace to both you, your mother, sister and husband and strength especially to you. You are right to put your marriage first - your mother will only continue to decline, your sister will ultimately see this and you still have a life to live.

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Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts and advice! You have brought me some consolation in this difficult time.

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Hi,
u don’t mean to scare you, but you really don’t know how that system is. I hope you have an outsider staying with her 24/7, believe me.... Covid is the least if your worries. I’m not being rude it’s a fact. Look up on youtube, newspaper articles on line. I’m praying for you and your mom!!!

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the OP has made her decision. No need to make her feel bad about it. And guess what? Outsiders bring COVID in. How do you think COVID gets in to facilities?

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Having just read almost all of the comments, I think most people feel that letting your sister, who has a 15 year old son, take care of your Mom, is probably not a good idea. As you have pointed out and several others have indicated, her desire to take care of your Mom is more of an emotional desire than a practical and rational solution.

I have been taking care of my 94 year old Mom now for the past 4 years. Physically my Mom is still in pretty good shape. She can walk with a walker, eat by herself, go to the toilet by herself, and even do light housework. That said, cognitively she is horribly on the decline with vascular dementia. She has very little long term memory and sometimes thinks I’m her old college boyfriend. She also has severe separation anxiety and if I’m not in her line of sight, she goes into a tail spin of a panic. But as long as she is near me and can see me, she’s all smiles. As a result, we are together 24/7 and it’s pretty exhausting.

And although her journey has become my blessed journey of care and love, and I am doing everything I can for her, like you, there may come the day when I can no longer take care of her. Even though my Mom has never said this to me, I think deep down she would at one point want me to put her in a “nice” facility so that I could have a little bit of a life. Yes, it would be absolutely traumatizing for the both of us but in the end, if I collapse from exhaustion, what will that have accomplished?

I guess what I’m saying is that as hard as it will be, love sometimes means doing what’s best for everyone, even when there’s a lot of emotional pain in doing it.

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"I guess what I’m saying is that as hard as it will be, love sometimes means doing what’s best for everyone, even when there’s a lot of emotional pain in doing it."

This is what some need to hear! You are doing a great job with your mom (hopefully you don't have to ward off amorous behavior, since she thinks you are her old college boyfriend!!!) You are also very sensible. While it is doable and there are no lingering emotional difficulties from one's past, by all means do take them in and provide the care if one feels capable. But, as you note, sometimes it requires some critical thinking AND doing what is BEST for your LO and yourself. It isn't a task everyone can take on, despite what some think AND say...

(From Love Story: "Love means never having to say you're sorry")

P.S. Our mother was moved to MC from her condo, living alone. I am NOT sorry for having done this. I believe it DID save her life, and also note that before dementia, it was HER PLAN to move to AL at some point. Dementia lies to the person who has it, providing an old, distorted view of their life, so they are not capable of understanding their deficits.

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No. I placed my dad in a board and care which specialized with dementia. This option was the best decision for both if us. Board and cares may let you visit. Also talking on the phone daily helps too. Go talk to a few and see if its a fit.

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Please talk to your sister about the GOOD nursing home you have found and be blunt about what goes into caring for Mom every day. I understand her hesitancy, but she isn't the one on the front line. More important, you don't want to be in a situation where you end up with a nursing home that is not good - and that is so many of them!

I placed my best friend based on nothing more than it was close to home. Thinking all of them would be good, we had no idea what we were getting into. It took an act of God to get her into another home (hospitalization because they almost killed her despite my being there at least 6 hours every day and threatening to get a lawyer) and it was not easy to do.

You have found a good home before time runs out, and your sister has no idea what 24/7 care really is all about - it is very, very hard and not to be taken lightly or because one feels it necessary or guilty. Maybe if you had her take a tour of the facility it would make her feel better. We hear the horror stories and know they are true, so finding a good home is important and not easy to do twice!

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Ask your sister to come for a weeklong visit to care for mom. She should do this 1-on-1 with very little extra help from you or your husband - or even better take a little vacation for yourselves and let her handle mom alone. At the end of the week, sit down with your sister to discuss caring for mom:

Did your sister get 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night?

Did she have any problems with mom having meltdowns or difficult behavior or Sundowner's syndrome?

How easy was it to care for mom, make meals, care for the home, and find time to care for herself and/or talk to her son?

At the end of this visit, I believe your sister will come to agree that caring for mom at this stage of her dementia is a 24/7 job and that your pplan has great merit.

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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Between your mother, your husband (why especially won't he allow you to get help at home? - just wondering), your sister and flaming Covid, you're in an impossible situation.

You are going to have to do what YOU think is right.

Never mind your sister for a minute: how is your mother handling the prospective move?

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I did explain to my mom that the facility we both looked at last fall has an opening for her. I told her it was one of the best facilities on Long Island. When my husband and I decided to take my mom on last year we moved into a gorgeous rental home. We were planning to stay here for a few years. And I convinced my husband to allow outside help.Since the Covid pandemic things have changed and the homeowners decided to sell their home and even though we signed a 2 year lease with renewal they insisted they needed to do this and have now bought us out of our lease. I told mom we all have to move. She is accepting this and for now is ok with her move. Although she says what choice does she have. Now my husband who from the beginning was willing to help with mom and still does but he finds my mom too depressing to be around. She was very resentful of both of us for bringing her to live with us and that is part of her behavior. But mom has always been a very depressed person and never sought help even though I’ve tried over the years. With they said my husband also retired last year at 66. We lost our son to suicide a few years ago and that hurt never goes away. Another reason my husband just wants some peace. Yes I wish I could continue to care for mom a little longer at my home but it’s getting harder and harder with moms decline. She’s incontinent and more unsteady walking everyday. I feel since we are forced to move ourselves and a bed has opened in Gurwin nursing home she would be better taken care of there even amidst the Covid pandemic. All my siblings agree and the one sister who now will be in the same town where mom will reside is starting to understand that it’s what’s best for mom. I have struggled long and hard to the point of a breakdown to make the best decision for mom and my marriage. I pray it all works out and I still can have some quality time with mom and not all the caregiver stress and strain on my marriage. Thank you CountryMouse!

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If your mother has designated you as her Durable General POA covering both her finances & her medical treatment, it is your responsibility to do what's in your mother's best interests regardless of what your sister wants to do.

I don't envy your situation. I know from personal experience you're between the proverbial "rock & a hard place". Most of the time I faced criticism but in my case neither sibling was willing to "step up"; however, if had they, there were good, sound reasons for not turning over responsibility for my mom's care to either one.

If your sister were to begin taking care of your mother, how on earth could she afford to pay for your mother's 24/7 care? This is of particular concern since you've wrote that you spent months made certain she qualifies for Medicaid.
(Unless this was done years ago, I'm not sure how you managed to do that since your mother's assets (presuming she had any of consequence) had to be transferred "x" number of years prior to qualifying for Medicaid - but that's not what your question entails.

I presume your other siblings are supportive of your decision - you don't mention having any problems with them.

Perhaps there are ways your sister can visit your mother that neither of you can considered. It may sound cold & heartless, but you cannot base your decisions for your mother's care on your sister's needs. You can offer to take her to visit mom when it's convenient for you & your husband &/or help her find alternative ways for her to be able to visit your mom.

Frankly, it sounds as if your sister could benefit from some counseling. From what you've stated, if she doesn't deal with what's going on with her mother now, she's going to have an extremely hard time whenever your mom dies.

That's just my opinion based on what you've written & I have misinterpreted what you've said.

It all boils down to you doing what's best for your mom & to keep your marriage from disintegrating any more than it may have already done.

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Speaking from experience, I was that younger sister, I was more than capable of caring for my mom and finally when God gave her to me for her last mile which lasted for a year... we had a beautiful end together... if you have doubts, I like the advice given from cwillie atleast allow your sister her time to try, if it works great, if it doesn’t then you’re both in agreement with the decision ....

you seem to have your sisters best interest at heart as well 💜 so please don’t take the advice of well that’s her problem, that is a terrible approach... she’s hurting to, as you said she and your mother are very close ... atleast let he try ... can’t hurt anything and it keeps your family United 💕

she will be gone one day, and both will be able to say you gave it everything you had in you to Love her and keep her home for as long as you could🌸

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Your decision to place your mom is best for your mom! The nursing home has a team of people that your mom needs right now! As long as the nursing home you choose has a good reputation and has a handle on Covid then you definitely are making the right decision. Two years ago I had to go through what you are going through now. My mom was visibly declining for over 5 years with dementia and is now diagnosed with advanced Alzheimer's. My dad and I took care of her up until the day she fell and required hospitalization. She was not in good shape. There was a period of time for her to adjust to her new home, but she ended up thriving and happy. Of course, her mind will never be the same but she finally had the quality of care she needed. She started eating again, she gained weight and regained a healthy color to her skin. She has the social interactions that she always needed. Your sister has no clue what it's like to care for someone declining with dementia, and it sounds like she is being selfish. Also as another commenter said, it wouldn't be safe to have her living in a home with a teenager because of Covid. I know what you had to go through to get her Medicaid eligible. That is a long frustrating process. Put your foot down and tell your sister, this is what is best for mom!

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Am I wrong to place my mom w/ Alzheimer’s who currently lives with me and my husband in a nursing home during Covid? My sister thinks so.

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