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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
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Yes how old are your parents do they live by themselves-someone told me many years ago people are meanest to those they depend on and I found that to be very true. I think that years ago people lived in extended families they would add a room or two on to the house and parents and their adult children and grandchildren all lives together and had their roles and this generation of elders are not use to living on their own, how do your parents express their anger is it by yelling at each other or fighting with adult children do they get along with each other or together gang up on thier children-I am sure you will get much insite from these great folks here please tell us more ShirleyAnn
Unfortunatly the arguing between them has gone on through out their marriage. My dad also has severe obsessive behaioral patterns. They live together and home in both the south and the north and will be returning here to the south in a month. The hard part is that tell me when there is trouble. They have so much to be greatful for. My mom and I are very close, it has been hard for her, because she has always been so independent. Her stroke has left her blind to the left and she can no longer drive. This woman and a friend of hers drove her RV from New England to Florida and on to California and back at the age of 70. Mind you it was without my dad's approval.i really thought the marriage was going to end over that one. Since the stroke she is basically dependent on him for everything and some things she really doesn't need to be. I love them both and am broken hearted when my mother cries because he has said something cruel to her. They are both to proud to admit there is problem and get help. Even when I tell them the pain exends beyond what they say to each other. I do everything I can to keep my mom on an emotional even keel, and always feel as though it's never enough. It's as though they are involved in some kind of count down to the end and have openly admitted this to me. I asked them..."What if your wrong and you live another 20 years" There was no response. My are both at the end of their 70's and somehow find themselves on the golf course once a week. (not together) Sometimes it feels more like a manipulation of my emotions. Am I losing it? i hate it when I have thoughts like that. It's just not me and then there is all this guilt.
my mother would drive to my house and complain about my father for hours. everything I suggested, every way that i tried to help was useless. She would be gone just long enough for me to bang my head on the wall when my father would show up and spend three hours telling me why he never should have married my mother. and when he left, somehow I felt guilty because after over fifty years of being together, It was somehow...my fault. They wanted a sounding board because neither one of them would listen to the other one. The phone would ring and after an hour of saying 'um-hum,' the other would call and I would 'um-hum' all over again. They in some strange way need each other, But where do I fit into it? Why me? I have a mushy head and an ulcer. If they really hated being together, they wouldn't spend so much time together. They do not live together, but they can not leave each other alone. My cousin pointed something out to me. We are told to honor our parents, but our parents are also directed in how they should treat their children. Don't lose it. Try not to let them bring you down. and WHY should YOU feel guilty for THEIR bad behavior? They are adults. Easier said than done, but you have to start someplace. Give yourself a break. It isn't your job to be marriage counsler.
Thank You, so much...I really did feel alone in this. I guess I just don't understand how people can love in anger. Somehow they have raised a non-confrontational daughter (big surprise). Most times I can handle their disagreements, sometimes I have the stregth to just leave. But when my mother cries...I feel her pain. Especially now. When they are here I go and get her every Saturday and take her out all day. It gives them time apart, other than that there is very little I can do, other than listen. My dad, I know lives in constant fear of mom having another stroke. He sits in the chair and watches golf or the news. God only knows what he is really thinking about it. He has terrible arthritis and is in horrible physical pain, hemochromatosis, and then came the diabeties and a scare of pancreatic cancer. As you can tell by the spelling of how this all started out. I was caught up in desperation when I turned to my computer and thought maybe, just maybe there is some out there who will talk to me, help me deal with this. I never dreamed in that moment I find someone like you or a website with a whole community of people just like me. How are you coping these days? Do you have days when you just don't answer? No one knows the answer to the question, where do I fit in? Maybe it's about someone they can trust, feel safe with. they just don't realize how their fighting traumatizes the foundation their children's lifes.
Well said, about traumatizing their children's lives, (even when they are adult children). My parents were "fighters," too. They were often cussing and slamming doors. When Dad's Alzheimer's got worse, and Mom's condition heightened, they started threatening one another, and hitting. O, that was not good! He's in a nursing home now, and I'm the Guardian of both. I feel protective of him, and upset with her. It's so sad, and I can relate to feeling confusion over the situation. I have sought out the help of professionals, but often just have to face things alone. Sometimes it's a nightmare; especially when I'm accused of things I haven't done. Dad has declined steadily, and Mom is, too, but they still keep me on my toes. My sister was very involved (at least by email), but just lost her young child in an accident, so I face my parent's shennanigans solo, save my patient, helpful husband and young son.
But they don't feel the same emotions of the mess as I do, since they didn't grow up with these people, like I did. My sister truly understands, and we commiserate together. What helps even more, though, is attending Support Groups, and blogging here. A few friends listen, and comfort me, as well. Don't know how I'd manage alone! This site has been so helpful, and I've learned a lot just reading posts on these threads.
Hope you find some good answers, help, and comfort, as well. This is a safe place (mostly) to dump the mask, and just get real. Most of the people here are very compassionate, understanding, and helpful. Take care, and hope things work out well for you, Shirley Ann.
Did we grow up with them? I know I grew to be a deeper person. I truely beleive I wouldn't be the mother I am. My parents were all about sercurity and saving for later. And watching it disappear with this economy has pushed my dad into depression. While, I have always had the go for it aditude with my daughter, while protecting her from negativity. Life is just too short. As for my sister, well, what can I say. I'm certain you've heard it all on that subject. Support groups are great if they are not filled with people caught in the net of self pity.You take the time to go to offer support to others, too. I met people who just couldn't seem to move beyond there own anger, when I went there to ge away from yelling and anger. I have anger too, it's okay and natural, but you have to let it go and try to find comfort in the times we can escape it. Leaving there at the end of evening most times feeling more frustrated than when I arrived. This is a time in our lives when the reality of all this has slapped us all into a rude awakening of emotions we never thought we'd experience. I have found more comfort here in just knowing there are others who have reached this new level of disfunctional family behavior right along with me. I think I not only wore a mask but also blinders. I just feel so much better now that I've found everyone here! "Thank you" just doesn't seem like enough for me to say to all of you. Last night was yet another rough one for me.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Sometimes it feels more like a manipulation of my emotions. Am I losing it? i hate it when I have thoughts like that. It's just not me and then there is all this guilt.
They wanted a sounding board because neither one of them would listen to the other one.
The phone would ring and after an hour of saying 'um-hum,' the other would call and I would 'um-hum' all over again. They in some strange way need each other, But where do I fit into it? Why me? I have a mushy head and an ulcer. If they really hated being together, they wouldn't spend so much time together. They do not live together, but they can not leave each other alone.
My cousin pointed something out to me. We are told to honor our parents, but our parents are also directed in how they should treat their children. Don't lose it. Try not to let them bring you down. and WHY should YOU feel guilty for THEIR bad behavior? They are adults.
Easier said than done, but you have to start someplace. Give yourself a break. It isn't your job to be marriage counsler.
But they don't feel the same emotions of the mess as I do, since they didn't grow up with these people, like I did. My sister truly understands, and we commiserate together. What helps even more, though, is attending Support Groups, and blogging here. A few friends listen, and comfort me, as well. Don't know how I'd manage alone! This site has been so helpful, and I've learned a lot just reading posts on these threads.
Hope you find some good answers, help, and comfort, as well. This is a safe place (mostly) to dump the mask, and just get real. Most of the people here are very compassionate, understanding, and helpful. Take care, and hope things work out well for you, Shirley Ann.