Angry mom with Alzheimers doesn't remember my visits. How do I deal with this?

Val, I’m so sorry. The behavior of our loved ones with dementia makes no sense at all, sometimes. A poster on this forum recently wrote, something like, “Remember that her brain is diseased.” I read it as “Her brain is deceased.” It helped me that day, as it reminded me that the mother that I knew is gone. So much grieving for us whose loved ones’ brains have gone, but their bodies haven’t.

Another bad visit. Screamed and yelled again that we never visit her. Wouldn’t come with me for a ride. Feel like I’m just upsetting her for me. Not sure what to do anymore at this point until they allow indoor visits and hopefully I can go a couple times a week

Try taking a photo with a card/note that includes the date and time.
While this likely won't register with her upon viewing another time, the photo of both of you together may bring a moment of joy to her.
* Remember, with dementia, a person (generally) remembers only what is happening in the moment.
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT:
* Keep reminding yourself it isn't your mom as you have known her; it is the dementia - brain chemistry changes - that are reacting from you.
* Her behavior and 'apparent' anger towards you isn't towards you at all. It is how dementia manifests.
* Support yourself / love yourself as you can and develop other support strategies, i.e., call a friend, give yourself a hug and really be present with yourself, recall a loving moment with your mom WHILE you are sitting serene meditative space/place.
* Love yourself, and your mom, unconditionally.
If you continue to react to your mom's behavior (heartbroken), you will go down with the sinking ship.
* You need to learn about dementia; learn to separate yourself from your history with your mom, learn to create a 'bubble' of self-compassion when you are with her [or not w/her] wrap yourself up in that bubble 'tight' as if it were a soft cashmere embrace - float in the feeling of peace, safety, protection, love. (If this visualization doesn't work, try one of your own). I teach/taught/guided visualizations which are very comforting and helpful.
* Learn to understand that you are caught in her brain chemistry changes and not allowing yourself any separation. You can learn to step back through practice.
* In the moment, you need to learn to distance yourself emotionally or you will continue to be sucked in - and suffer with heartache.
* Realize that you need to allow yourself to grieve. This is a heartbreaking situation and time for you (and her). Don't re-act to it; "act." Take control and understand it is a letting go process for you. Perhaps when you get in these hurtful feeling places, when with her, take her hand and give her a gentle massage, looking at her hands and feeling her life story through your touch.

Learn to detach with loving awareness. Allow yourself to feel sad and grieve. Remember it is a process so lovingly embrace yourself through this time with your mom. Gena

Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice. Luckily I have had lots of visits with mom since covid. Outside and then in the porch. She is also a covid survivor. No symptoms. Thank god. I have a visit Saturday to take her for a drive. Hopefully she will not be angry and want to go. Our FaceTime Tuesday she cried and cried for me to come visit. It is heartbreaking and this pandemic makes everything worse. Good luck to all going through this.

Imho, I am so sorry that you going through this. Prayers sent.

My dear Val 622
I understand your emotions based on memory and vascular dementia when oxygen doesn’t get to the brain fast enough and it deteriorates the hippocampus and the tangles get black out and the signal is blocked must go the opposite direction to try to get them to comprehend what you’re saying. The brain with electron neutrons electrolytes transmitters receptors etc. etc. has turned against the individuals. I highly suggest and I have learned the hard way not to argue with them keep a soft tone and agree. They know how to argue that they do not lose. My mother says you haven’t come see me or visit me you can always do a truthful story , Remember you’re in her world she’s not in yours anymore. Don’t lie you could just tell her something in the common mechanism that you had to wait for the plumber to come repair the sink . I choose not to say anything and just tell her I understand. they say your mothers agitated they all get agitated and they all want to medicate them see the psychiatrist and they’re pushing more pills than they need don’t agree with all the pills they counteract. They have small doses 5 mg take a once a day and it’s normally they give it to them in the day where they want everybody calm. It’s amazing the brain take your system and sent it to many transitions .My mother went to a screaming spell and then she would say she would sing every day all day humming to herself she was in a screaming spell for about a month I think not all the time but a month and then she started singing I think it was her calming mechanism. Before the pandemic every Sunday I going to sing and praise with her 4 hours & was up there every day different hours it less than 6 miles a SNF mother had vascular dementia I watch her deteriorate slowly I’m going through those transitions along with who are you no I don’t have a daughter by that name and I would give her a name of one of her best girlfriends that she like and that seem to calm her down. And then throughout the conversation she will call my name and I will answer to that. Another thing I think you should not say is although you took both parents home they were like your children. Because that downgrade them and their independence Yes use your best friends they understand that too .
Just remember deterioration of the brain is a disease that it’s uncontrollable we don’t know why ?
Mother is angry I do believe it’s because she doesn’t understand what is going on with her. You should talk about that with her. Are used to tell my mother her brains wasn’t functioning properly which was true not a lie and try to explain what was going on with her. Right now she’s angry at the world hateful words will come out of her mouth cursing disrespecting that you would say my mother would never say those words. These are words that are hidden in our subconscious mind which I called her files and now they’re traveling to the front lobe . These were the for bidden Files that we have learned since we were in childhood ourselves when we were used words ?? at moms I don’t you ever say those words again but they were filed away. And now she’s using them. How long has Mothers been in the memory care they are not understanding why no one’s coming to see them . they did recognize your face your voice your touch your conversation. And now that’s gone too
.Another transition for them that they still don’t understand so of course there’s anger concern thanking possible no one cares for me anymore. Why did they put me here just to leave me. We don’t know what’s going through their mind I’ve been there done that And it’s very sad. I have done my first veranda visit on Mother’s Day since March 2020 & lots windows until mom passed away in August 20,2020. So try your best not to argue with her, keep a calm voice. I don’t know but you’re doing the best you can. Many days I went home crying because I know it’s a nasty nasty disease that is out
with no cure . WHY Rob them of their memories

My mom never remembers going to the cemetery to see her and Daddy's headstone. Sometimes she doesn't even remember he has died, though she doesn't act surprised when I tell her he died 2 years ago. At first I took pictures of her standing by the headstone alone or with family. She says she doesn't remember and I have no doubt about that. So, recently I started taking video clips of her. I'm not sure she realizes they are video clips when I show them to her because she talks to the phone like she's having a conversation with someone. Nevertheless, it's comforting for me to be able to tell her and show her, and once she's gone, the rest of us will have priceless moments captured. I just wish I had done that with my Dad before he passed.

Take a picture of you and your mom with a familiar background. My wife questioned if we were married so I showed her our favorite wedding picture.

Bring a card every time with a date on it and tape it to the wall where she can see them. Explain it to her as many times as she needs.

When it gets back to the point (eventually!) that visits inside are allowed, it might be worth getting a calendar to hang on the wall, and then make a note on it each day when you visit. You should mark it so your mother (or other loved one) sees you doing so, and perhaps say "Today is December 2 [or whenever], and I've come to visit you today". Then if some other time you're told "you never visit me" you can point to the calendar and say "See, I was here on December 2, and you watched me write this down on this calendar". She might insist this is fake or whatever, but perhaps it will be of some benefit. If the staff know you are doing this (and perhaps actually see you write on the calendar), they can back up your claim of having visited with authority. I figure it can't hurt, and may help.

She is anxious about the changes. Her inability to understand or to control the circumstances are leading to these outbursts. Trying to reason with her will not work since she doesn't remember your visits. She will need to continue in a very scheduled life in memory care. It might be time to create memories - like a photo or scrap book - and add to it each time you visit (make sure to include dates). She can then be directed to her "book" when she gets lonely. She may also need a mild anti-anxiety medication to help her remain calmer.

Before Covid, my husband and I used to laugh about being thrown out of theMC by mu LO.

Her tolerance/enthusiasm for our visits was sincere, and she’d be thrilled when we came AND EQUALLY THRILLED WHEN WE LEFT.

I had the wonderful good fortune to be able to visit her (she’s a Covid SURVIVOR) outside, almost 2 months ago, and she recognized me, called me by name, and was cheerfully and actively engaged in conversation, BUT- when she was ready to go back inside, NOTHING could stop her. And without question, she remembers (or perhaps relates more easily) to events that occurred 30 years ago than to what I told 5 minutes ago.

Your kindness and concern are NOT being wasted, she’s just not cognitively where you are.

Try “How nice of you to want me to visit more often, I LOVE to see you and I’ll come back soon”. And you can say that every time you go, maybe even a couple times.

Everything about Alzheimer’s and MemoryCare and Covid is heartbreaking, so we have to remember that we’re all our LOs have, in THE MOMENT that we’re with them. “Memory” just doesn’t save us for them.

Relish the moment, then leave in comfort and peace.

I don’t recommend taking her to your house for lunch since it will be extremely difficult to get her to go back to her facility. Once a week visit is enough. My 93 yo mother with dementia lives with me & sometimes asks me what my name is. Some days better than others. Just make sure she’s getting her needs met & that she’s comfortable. Don’t expect the old mother you knew to return...not gonna happen. Hugs 🤗

Thanks everyone. She is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication for agitation. I think she is pretty calm or so they tell me but my visit agitated her. We had a FaceTime Thursday and she was excited to come for a visit but things change in the drop of a hat. She can’t make phone calls so I have to rely on scheduled FaceTimes and never know what mood she will be in.

You live with this by understanding that you lost your mom to Alzheimer's a while ago. She's no longer capable of cognizant thought or reasoning, so being heartbroken over & over again about something she cannot help is going to wear YOU down and kill YOUR spirit. Your mother's brain is diseased; she truly believes you haven't visited her in forever b/c she truly forgets you were there the minute you leave. Nobody wins with dementia/Alz, that's for sure. We all lose! My mother also lives in a Memory Care ALF and is deteriorating daily with vascular dementia. She constantly tells me how 'nobody calls her; everybody is too busy' for her, when I know for a FACT that she gets several phone calls PER DAY! Some days she's more cognizant than others, which is nice, but there are days where I can't even really talk to her. It's sad..........but it's the nature of the beast. I try not to take her behavior personally, even though it's irritating and sad and all sorts of other emotional things thrown in. Rarely a day goes by that she doesn't leave me feeling some kind of way..........and then I have to talk myself off the ledge once again. It's not HER talking, it's the dementia.

Dementia & Alzheimer's are truly dreadful and I hate that our loved ones are afflicted this way.

You ought to contact your mom's doctor for medication to calm her down. There really is no reason she should be yelling & screaming about anything. "Talking" to her won't help............and the doctor will realize that. The nurses & the staff have a few tricks up their sleeve to handle agitated residents, but basically, it's medication that TRULY helps them most often. Until she gets medicated, I'd be very leery about taking your mom out of the ALF for any reason. What if she has a meltdown and you can't handle her? Or get her back to the ALF? Then what? This isn't an unusual happening, either.............you never know WHAT to expect when ALZ is at play!

Wishing you the very best of luck dealing with a very difficult situation. You have my empathy, that's for sure. One day at a time, right?

Has your mom ever been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist? This level of agitation cannot be good for her. It is possible that meds can help.

She does recognize me. And it’s just sad because she believes I don’t care about her. And don’t want to see her. When I tell her I was there a couple days ago she just calls me a liar. I guess I’m just asking how you all live with this. We were so close and I just remember my old mom.

A LOT of people have this problem! Esp now, with COVID and the restrictions placed on us, esp the elderly.

If your mom is to the point she no longer even recognizes you--you must accept that she isn't going to suddenly be better and be your mom with mom's memories and mental capabilities.

I would stop the visits. My mom is pretty OK as far as who I am, etc., but is obsessed with a few people in the family and only really wants THEM to visit. I'm backing down from seeing her every week to once a month or less. When she no longer knows me and my presence causes her grief (which from time to time has happened) then I will not see her again. It's hard, but she doesn't care, which makes my 'not caring' an easier path.

It's probably time to realize your mom isn't going to believe you, re-create a relationship or care about you. It's NOT her fault, it's NOT your fault. It's the horrible disease that has robbed her of thinking and functioning. And it's breaking your heart. It probably also upsets her.

I'm so sorry. This is a sucky part of getting old.