Anyone have this problem? My mom is in memory care. Many times when I visit (outside and some porch visits due to covid ) my mom is so angry and makes me leave because she believes I don’t visit. She can’t remember any visits. So I leave. Today I was able to take her to my house for lunch. Previously because of cases her place was quarantine for two weeks. She wouldn’t come with me. Yelling and screaming I don’t visit. Doesn't believe anything about the virus. The nurses tried to talk to her. No avail, so I leave again heartbroken. But I keep trying but it’s really getting to me.
If your mom is to the point she no longer even recognizes you--you must accept that she isn't going to suddenly be better and be your mom with mom's memories and mental capabilities.
I would stop the visits. My mom is pretty OK as far as who I am, etc., but is obsessed with a few people in the family and only really wants THEM to visit. I'm backing down from seeing her every week to once a month or less. When she no longer knows me and my presence causes her grief (which from time to time has happened) then I will not see her again. It's hard, but she doesn't care, which makes my 'not caring' an easier path.
It's probably time to realize your mom isn't going to believe you, re-create a relationship or care about you. It's NOT her fault, it's NOT your fault. It's the horrible disease that has robbed her of thinking and functioning. And it's breaking your heart. It probably also upsets her.
I'm so sorry. This is a sucky part of getting old.
Dementia & Alzheimer's are truly dreadful and I hate that our loved ones are afflicted this way.
You ought to contact your mom's doctor for medication to calm her down. There really is no reason she should be yelling & screaming about anything. "Talking" to her won't help............and the doctor will realize that. The nurses & the staff have a few tricks up their sleeve to handle agitated residents, but basically, it's medication that TRULY helps them most often. Until she gets medicated, I'd be very leery about taking your mom out of the ALF for any reason. What if she has a meltdown and you can't handle her? Or get her back to the ALF? Then what? This isn't an unusual happening, either.............you never know WHAT to expect when ALZ is at play!
Wishing you the very best of luck dealing with a very difficult situation. You have my empathy, that's for sure. One day at a time, right?
Whoa. This is gold. Thank you for the reminder. I needed it today.
Her tolerance/enthusiasm for our visits was sincere, and she’d be thrilled when we came AND EQUALLY THRILLED WHEN WE LEFT.
I had the wonderful good fortune to be able to visit her (she’s a Covid SURVIVOR) outside, almost 2 months ago, and she recognized me, called me by name, and was cheerfully and actively engaged in conversation, BUT- when she was ready to go back inside, NOTHING could stop her. And without question, she remembers (or perhaps relates more easily) to events that occurred 30 years ago than to what I told 5 minutes ago.
Your kindness and concern are NOT being wasted, she’s just not cognitively where you are.
Try “How nice of you to want me to visit more often, I LOVE to see you and I’ll come back soon”. And you can say that every time you go, maybe even a couple times.
Everything about Alzheimer’s and MemoryCare and Covid is heartbreaking, so we have to remember that we’re all our LOs have, in THE MOMENT that we’re with them. “Memory” just doesn’t save us for them.
Relish the moment, then leave in comfort and peace.
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