Answering the repeated question "Why won't you help me?' Any advice?
Mom is in NH. Dementia. No short term memory. She does not typically repeat herself a lot. And I know that when she does to just respond and redirect. But this situation seems a little different and I wonder if anyone can suggest a variation to the formula?
Mom: I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW!
Me: I know Ma. We've called for help. They'll be here soon.
Mom: Help? Why do I need help? just push me to the door right there, I'll walk those few steps to the toilet.
Me: I'm sorry. I wish I could. But it takes two helpers and a machine. You cannot stand up.
Mom: I've never heard of such a thing! Why won't you help me?
Me: It would be very painful for you to try to put weight on your feet. Trained people have to help you.
Mom: I've never heard of such a thing! Why won't you help me?
Repeat and repeat -- interspersed with "Look at this strange hairdo in this magazine" "I can't look now I HAVE TO PEE!"
Also, she seems to have a lot of false alarms. Since it is painful for her to get out of her chair even with a sit to stand machine, are there any suggestions for reducing those? (We have a care conference in a few days.)
27 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- What are the stages on dementia? What does it mean when your doctor tells you, your parent has mild to moderate dementia?
- I recently lost my brother. My Mom with very moderate dementia/alzheimers does not know. Should she be told?
- My husband (75) is very paranoid, thinks I am trying to poison him. Refuses to see MD. Anything I can do to make him?
- Does increased distress over the loss of a parent have any significance in those with severe dementia?
Staff has also noticed her frequent "false alarms." She has recently been scanned and she is not retaining urine. She does not have a uti. Since the alarms are "false" she probably doesn't have an overactive bladder. They currently have a few other residents in this situation. It is most likely part of the dementia -- getting false signals or misinterpreting the signals she gets. When they are pretty sure the alarm is false (she went 10 minutes ago) they try to distract her but if she insists they get two aides and the PAL and take her in. R says she is usually able to distract Mom too. I guess I'll have to try harder on that tactic.
About Mom's pain: She has dealt with arthritis pain for decades and many, many drugs/patches have been tried. Most either make her nauseated or loopy. Her arthritis pain is well managed with Tylenol. The avascular necrosis is only painful during transfers. PRN won't work unless we knew 25 minutes in advance of when she needs the toilet. :(
Bathroom needs: She doesn't have any panties in her drawers. Although she is not totally incontinent she wears disposables all the time. But think about this -- if someone told you, "that's OK, just go ahead and pee in your disposable panties and the aide will change you" would that bring you comfort? Of course we have told her on many occasions, "Don't worry if you leak a little, or if you can't hold it until help comes. You'll get cleaned up right away." This is simply not acceptable to a 94-yo dignified lady. We will be addressing the frequency of perceived need tomorrow. It is good to rule out other possibilities, but I'm afraid that NJCinderella and ferris1 may be right -- it is part of the inaccurate messages her brain receives with the dementia.
Ferris, you are absolutely right about the need for patience. At the risk of immodesty, to be more patient is impossible. My sisters and I are the personification of patience with our mother. Maybe we wouldn't be 24/7, but in the hours each of us is with her each week we have no trouble managing that. (A little less so with the staff occasionally.)
igloo572, I'm not sure I understand your videotape idea. Mother cannot bear weight on her legs. She is a 2-person transfer, with a PAL (sit-to-stand) machine. She does not get out of bed on her own. If she tried she would be in extreme pain and no doubt would fall. Do you mean I should video tape the transfers? I have spent several nights in her room. She did have a lot of anxiety at first but she has settled well into her room and her routine.
The staff: The number one complaint in all care centers is the length of time it takes to respond to call buttons. Countrymouse describes the situation very well. I have just experienced it with my son, both in the hospital and in the rehab center. When you are at the mercy of someone else to get to the toilet, there are simply going to be uncomfortable moments.
Mother is popular with the staff. She is pleasant and occasionally witty and compliant (to the extent she can remember) and participates in activities. They treat her respectfully. I am certain no one has ever scolded her for an accident. They can't always come immediately. That is a fact of NH living. But she feels safe with them. (And when she hollers in pain during transfers she apologizes to them and tells them she knows it is not their fault she hurts.)
I guess what we've got is as good as it gets under the circumstances. I just wish there were magic words to convince Mom we'd help her if we could.
I'll let you know if we learn anything at the care conference tomorrow.
I don't know why she might be feeling urgency if there isn't actually anything to void, but I certainly would bring it up for investigation.
back when my mom was still mobile, I did this and found that she was curving her feet somewhat under her when she got out of bed.& this probably also led to some numbness. When she finally stood up, her balance was always off as she was tucking her outside toes under. And pain from her doing this too. So she would invariably lurch forward and out of balance. I got rid of her softer soled shoes (those kind they sell that roll into each other that you throw in the laundry like socks which I had thought were a perfect solution for shoes) and to a more firm shoe (the lightweight Keds Mary Janes with velcro strap) so when she did get up, her foot would just plant better. At a care plan meeting we discussed this and they just added to her chart that she was to "stay in shoes" 24/7. Otherwise they'd take them off of her for bedtime.
Another thing to think about is the lighting in the room & bathroom at night. If you can try to be there very late to see just what the lighting is like for them from her viewpoint of lying in bed as it could be seriously different than what we see during the day when we visit. This too can be an issue, back when mom was in IL and dementia was increasing, she went into a frenzy on people coming in at night and looking through her things in the other room and on the balcony. WTF? Well what it actually was, was that the drive path to the residents parking was alongside her side of the building and at night when someone came in late their headlights would chase around mom's living room and her balcony. It was only when I spent the night, that I realized what was happening. (Looking back at all this it is now funny…but wasn't 4 years ago) Perhaps your mom may have some vision issues in seeing where the bathroom & the toilet is from her vantage point? And it's making her anxious so asking you to help lessens that? Good luck at the care plan meeting.
I can't believe it! This is almost exactly like what my mom was like when she was in the nursing home. She also had dementia along with incontinence. She would get mad at me and ask why I wouldn't help her. I realized after a few times that I could stall her a little by telling her I would go and get help. She would then ask me why I couldn't do it. I would tell her I wasn't feeling well (actually I wasn't because I was struggling with breast cancer at the time), and then she would tell me to just wheel her to the bathroom and she could do it herself (she actually couldn't even walk or stand at the time, but in her mind she could do everything). She said she didn't need help, and why was someone insisting that she needed help. I went along with it in the best way I could knowing that she could not help herself. She also had many UTI's that did not help the situation. It was very hard for me to see her slipping downhill in this manner, but was easier to deal with if I didn't try to argue any point with her or try to explain things, because she was not in a place to understand things. Her short term memory was not there and so things that were said or happened within a few minutes were forgotten. We went down "memory lane" a lot which seemed to help even when we were waiting for help to come. I'm sorry you have to go through this difficult time, but know that others are there for you and some have gone through or are going through similar situations. Hopefully some of the advice and ideas of others will be a help you get through this. I do miss my mom, it was 2 years in August of this year, and even with the struggles we had together, I would still do it all again if I had to. Good luck and God bless.
I can't imagine wanting to go to the bathroom and having to "wait" for help. I think staff sometimes has no clue what its like to be helpless. If need be, be assertive with them and be a pest. I found that being vocal got results versus politely waiting.
I get the same thing from my mom - why won't I help her toilet. No way on God's green earth am I going in there with her.
I got some guff from a care worker once because I had called for toilet help, but mom refused the lady who came to do it. It had to be me. I wouldn't do it and the woman tried to make me feel guilty by saying "Oh come on, why don't you try? It's your mother!" I said back that 1. I have a shoulder injury and couldn't help catch or support her like she needs. I can't hold her up. 2. we have a complicated past that I really don't think is any of your business at the moment, and I am not going into the toilet with her under any circumstances. 3. If mom doesn't need your help to toilet, she certainly doesn't need mine.
An aide has just suggested using a toilet riser to minimize the distance Mom has to ride the sit-to-stand sling up and down. It seems so obvious but none of us -- professionals and family -- had thought of it! It might help minimize her pain.
I guess there are no magic words to make her feel better about her daughters not helping her to the bathroom. Since she thinks all we'd have to do is wheel her to bathroom doorway and she could walk from there and since we all do wheel her all over the place and are obviously capable of it is doubtful that an injury or sling would provide an excuse. Sigh. I guess I'll stay with, "I'm so sorry, Ma, I'd help you if I could but if you stood up your pain would be terrible."
Mom she has avascular necrosis of the bone stem that normally connects to the ball that goes into the hip socket. That means the stem does not exist any more. There is a gap between the leg bone and the hip socket. This will never improve. She will never be able to bear weight on it. And most likely she will always have some pain while being transferred, dressed, and toileted. The rest of the time she is comfortable. Overall she is content in the NH.
Like most caregivers, my sisters and I continually look for opportunities to improve the quality of her life, but we also have to accept the reality of the situation.
Hard, isn't it?
Another thought I had is that it could be a constipation issue. Everything OK in that department?
I'm always a little leery of adding more prescriptions to the mix, especially if they don't make much difference. But I will be checking into the Toviaz and Myrbetriq for sure. I just thought that if you could get to the root of the problem, then maybe she wouldn't have the urgency. Every day is a new day, isn't it? . I had another thought. They could check for urine retention. Where you just can't completely empty the bladder and so you constantly feel like you need to "go". I think it is a different issue from overactive bladder, although I could be mistaken. Sounds like you're a loving daughter and you still have your sense of humor. Good luck!
It might be a UTI or it could be other things. Sometimes an irritable bladder can come from impingement on the sciatic nerve. I sympathize with her that she has to wait. I've learned that your mother is normally a pleasant person, so I know she is concerned about wetting herself. I also sympathize that she has lost her privacy. You are doing all you can do, it sounds like to me. It would be great if the aides could be there in a few seconds when dinged, but I know it takes a bit longer.
I hope someone can figure out why her bladder is so irritable and that it is something fixable.
ba8alou and cwillie, thanks for the reminder about uti. She has had one and this behavior does not seem similar to that episode, but I will bring it up at the care conference this week.
Breakthrough pain? Oh my. I suppose that could be possible and if it is it will be extremely hard to resolve because there are so few pain meds she has been able to tolerate. She is able (and willing!) to react as expected to pain -- ou, ou, ou, This is hurting me My leg hurts I can't stand this, etc. Was your mother able to identify and articulate her pain, cwillie?
pamstegman, this is not manipulative behavior. But if it were, how would that change how we react to her, and what we say to her repeated requests for help getting to the toilet?
Also, since it seems to be bathroom related, could it be a UTI?