My mother is 88, has dementia, poor vision and is wheelchair bound and lately can’t even get up to go to the bathroom. She has no concept of time and calls me for help round the clock.
She has become so needy that I have very little time to do anything for myself. She is crying all the time and accusing me of throwing her away. This breaks my heart! She spends most of her time in bed because she is "more comfortable there”. She wants me to stay in the room with her.
I’m caught in the middle... My husband is ready for her to leave. What can I do?
I have sworn i will never do this to my kids, and they know this, so i hope if i lose my faculties they put me in a home even if i protest.
If you have some pre-conceived notion in your head about 'homes' and how 'horrible' they are, please remove it right away and take action instead.
Go out and look at Assisted Living communities in your area right away. Speak to the residents and the staff, asking them how THEY like living/working there. When you find a place where the residents and the staff seem happy, that is the place to consider for your mother. Privately owned vs. corporately owned is my choice 100% of the time. Corporate is after money only, as a rule, where privately owned communities are more resident focused and the staff is more easily accessible.
Do what's right for YOURSELF, your husband, AND most importantly, your mother. You all deserve it.
Best of luck!
You are also not entitled to regard yourself as being “caught in the middle”. You have one husband and one mother.
The husband is the party who you found to love and give your faithfulness to, as he did for you.
Your mother is the one who gave birth to you and had the obligation to give you “roots and wings”. If she gave you both and has now forgotten her promise to let you fly OR she slacked off on either, it’s still no longer a consideration because you CANNOT do what she wants 28 hours a day.
Start searching for a comfortable AL facility near enough to you so that you can visit when you have a bit of free time, and place her.
But regardless of exactly where she gets placed, it appears that she needs 24 hour care which you can not sanely or safely provide at home.
I often feel like I’m abandoning her yet I know she will have better care in AL. We have toured several AL’s and decided on the one closest to me. She forgets what she agrees to so I have decided and I’m signing the lease this week and will get her moved in as soon as I can.
She wants me close because I’m all she has left. Both my younger sisters have passed away, one last year. She is still grieving for her. They were very close and lived 400 miles from me. Mother sold her house there and bought one here. We moved all her furniture and a 50 year accumulation of stuff here. The move and sale of her house have been hard on her. I’m praying that AL will be good for her.
Then it becomes a fait accompli - you have a medical diagnosis you would be foolish to ignore - since it is about ensuring round the clock care is available.
You are at risk of burn out - and this is a safety issue with regard to your mums care needs,
Your mum might cry, but cant argue against a medical diagnosis. You can make your husband happy, go and visit your mum, and blame the doctor!
Your not throwing her away. You are finding a safe place for her. Some time for you and hubby. He does come first.
Your husband is right. Just move forward to find a place for her. If it is possible she might run out of money, find one that will take Medicaid if and when she needs it.
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