We lost my 89 year old father last month. My 85 year old mother has dementia (but thinks she's fine). My sister and I live out of state but plan to visit every few weeks. We've increased the in home care from 4 hours 3 days per week to 5 days (with the goal of 7 days). The stove has been turned off. My mother uses a walker and we have cameras throughout the condo. However, the neighbors continue to let us (and the nurse) know that they aren't comfortable with this arrangement. And especially, that my mother is left alone at night. (I check frequently and she is either doing a puzzle, watching TV or reading before putting herself to bed). One couple has already sent a letter to the head of the condo association. This arrangement has only been in place 1 week and so far, I think it's going as well as could be expected. However, I am concerned that one of these neighbors will call someone on my mother which will create a much more serious problem for us. We are looking into assisted living but it takes time to make that happen. The constant "advice" and expressions of concern are only making a very difficult situation more stressful and anxiety filled. Any advice on how to deal with the neighbors?
You can tell the neighbors that you're looking into Memory Care AL for your mom, but there's nothing more you're going to do about the situation in the meantime. If they all APS, you'll deal with that matter if and when it happens.
My mother has advanced dementia these days & sundowns something awful; when it first began, she started declining around 2 pm every day and her agitation got progressively worse as the evening approached. As the others have said, dementia can turn on a dime, especially after a loved one passes away & the elder is traumatized & alone. I would seriously look into 24 hr a day care for your mother until she gets placed. That will calm down the neighbors fears and get them off of your back too, not to mention it will help YOU relax a bit more. More help is never a mistake; less help can often leave you with regrets.
My condolences on the loss of your father. Best of luck getting your mother placed asap. Please be sure it's Memory Care AL you look into and not regular AL.
My dad covered for my mom because he truly didn't understand she had dementia. Many of her issues were attributed to her macular degeneration, and she also didn't want to go out in public like she used to, so most people had no idea how bad she was.
In my opinion, neighbors who were merely annoyed by Mom's situation would complain to the management. People who are truly concerned make the effort to contact the family as these people did.
People were so clueless about her condition that after Dad died and she moved into a nursing home (a full four years after dementia set in), she convinced a visitor that she had remarried and he spread that "joyous" news all over town not knowing that her new husband was imaginary.
Why I ask is that when my Dad was living in Independent Living, Admin was suggesting it is time to move Dad to Memory Care, as he has been trying to leave the building in the middle of the night. That took me totally by surprise.
Your mom has dementia AND thinks she's fine. That's the last person you should listen to on that.
Do the neighbors see her more than you do? They may have a better sense of what's going on with her than you realize.
Her cognizance may take a significant dive in the wake of your dad's death. In my mother's case, any medical or emotional crisis caused her to take a big drop from which she'd never quite recover. Dementia isn't a slow gradual decline -- sometimes there are big changes almost overnight.
Try to look two steps ahead in this scenario, because you need to be prepared for big changes that could occur at any time.
An acquaintance's very recently widowed Mother had to be hospitalized after sudden massive confusion & falls. One adult child said 'oh I think she'll be ok at home again'. Wanted to trial it. The other asked for honest feedback from hospital staff & then pushed for supervised care immediately. Poor woman was found crawling along corridors at night (not dressed) looking for 'home'. Never actually recovered & passed short time after.
It sometimes is lightening fast.
There is the possibility that the neighbors could place a call to APS. If and when that happens what will the response be when mom answers the door?
I think you need another plan. Either someone with her 24/7 or placement in a Memory Care community.
Well, it's kind of concerning that multiple neighbors are worried enough to get involved in the first place. And they see her every day. Unless you're living with the person with dementia you may not see the trouble they're routinely having. And a big life change is going to be tremendously disorienting for her.
That's a big loss for anyone, but worse for a person with dementia, as the routine they had with their partner gives structure to their day. The neighbor's are kind to be concerned about her.
Watching your mom online isn't going to help her if she gets into a jam. If she can't rescue herself then I'd get in the night sitter until you can find her a good AL or memory care.
Why does getting her into an AL take a long time? Have you identified a couple that are within her price range, perhaps near you?
I'm sure none of them are doing that. The mom could have one of those LifeAlert bracelets or pendants on in case she falls or became ill.
No, what this looks like to me is a bunch of nosey neighbors who don't know how to mind their own business.
The answer to your question on this thread about the neighbors being ignored is:
YES. They should be ignored and so should their "concerns". I'd be willing to bet that the poster and her sister didn't discuss the safety measures they've taken for their mother, or the status of her homecare aide service, or any other arrangements they've made for their mother with them or the rest of the community. It being none of their business and all. This being said most of their "concern" is speculation and based on their opinion about the situation.
If these people were truly concerned, instead of calling APS and snitching to every nurse and social worker they see, these people would talk to poster and her sister. They would ask what they can do to help if they were truly concerned for the mother's welfare and safety. None of the neighbors are doing that though.
What's more likely going on is there's a lot of elderly "Karens" living in the mother's neighborhood who have nothing better to do with their time than watch who comes and goes from their neighbor's house and to voice their "concerns" to whoever will listen.
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