We lost my 89 year old father last month. My 85 year old mother has dementia (but thinks she's fine). My sister and I live out of state but plan to visit every few weeks. We've increased the in home care from 4 hours 3 days per week to 5 days (with the goal of 7 days). The stove has been turned off. My mother uses a walker and we have cameras throughout the condo. However, the neighbors continue to let us (and the nurse) know that they aren't comfortable with this arrangement. And especially, that my mother is left alone at night. (I check frequently and she is either doing a puzzle, watching TV or reading before putting herself to bed). One couple has already sent a letter to the head of the condo association. This arrangement has only been in place 1 week and so far, I think it's going as well as could be expected. However, I am concerned that one of these neighbors will call someone on my mother which will create a much more serious problem for us. We are looking into assisted living but it takes time to make that happen. The constant "advice" and expressions of concern are only making a very difficult situation more stressful and anxiety filled. Any advice on how to deal with the neighbors?
It's not up to them. You do NOT answer to them. Maybe they're good friends of hers with genuine concern. Maybe they're just nosy do-gooders. Who knows? They seem to be making a bad situation more stressful.
Why I ask is that when my Dad was living in Independent Living, Admin was suggesting it is time to move Dad to Memory Care, as he has been trying to leave the building in the middle of the night. That took me totally by surprise.
Your mom has dementia AND thinks she's fine. That's the last person you should listen to on that.
Do the neighbors see her more than you do? They may have a better sense of what's going on with her than you realize.
Her cognizance may take a significant dive in the wake of your dad's death. In my mother's case, any medical or emotional crisis caused her to take a big drop from which she'd never quite recover. Dementia isn't a slow gradual decline -- sometimes there are big changes almost overnight.
Try to look two steps ahead in this scenario, because you need to be prepared for big changes that could occur at any time.
An acquaintance's very recently widowed Mother had to be hospitalized after sudden massive confusion & falls. One adult child said 'oh I think she'll be ok at home again'. Wanted to trial it. The other asked for honest feedback from hospital staff & then pushed for supervised care immediately. Poor woman was found crawling along corridors at night (not dressed) looking for 'home'. Never actually recovered & passed short time after.
It sometimes is lightening fast.
Well, it's kind of concerning that multiple neighbors are worried enough to get involved in the first place. And they see her every day. Unless you're living with the person with dementia you may not see the trouble they're routinely having. And a big life change is going to be tremendously disorienting for her.
That's a big loss for anyone, but worse for a person with dementia, as the routine they had with their partner gives structure to their day. The neighbor's are kind to be concerned about her.
Watching your mom online isn't going to help her if she gets into a jam. If she can't rescue herself then I'd get in the night sitter until you can find her a good AL or memory care.
I can certainly understand the neighbors' points of view, especially since they "share walls" with mom. If you have turned the stove off, then you have an idea that it's just not safe for mom to be left alone, cameras or no.
Do you or your sister have POA for mom? Have you been in touch with her doctors to see what level of dementia she has? Does she have the financial means to afford AL? Do you have access to her financial records should she outlive her money and you need to apply for Medicaid for her? If you haven't already done so, I strongly urge you seek the counsel of an elder attorney ASAP and get expert advice on all of this.
One or more of the neighbors might very well call APS; as might the condo association, as I would likely do were I in their position. I'm sorry, but it does your mom no good to be living alone while you and your sister live out of state. You and/or your sister might have to seriously consider, for mom's safety, either living with mom or moving her in with one of you temporarily while you get other living arrangements made for her.
I understand that the neighbors might be making this more stressful for you, but that doesn't mean they're wrong about their concerns.
2. Consider getting a rollator instead of a walker. They're 4 wheeled, have adjustable height and handles, and some have a basket for carrying things. It's a lot safer than carrying something while managing a walker.
3. Beat the neighbors to the punch and ask the local police if they make regular wellness visits.
4. Call the local county and city/township and see if they also make wellness visits.
5, Contact the local Senior Center and get a menu, then consider getting Meals on Wheels on a trial basis to see if Mom likes their meals.
6. Turn the tables on the neighbors and ask them specifically what their concerns are. I.e., are they concerned, or nosy?
7. Get a life alert pendant with you and your sister listed as first contacts, then perhaps the police next. Do your research first, and well; some of these outfits that provide pendants and advertise online and in print aren't as good as others.
Interview them as well; those that just want to send you a brochure aren't impressive. The company I hired had begun its operations years ago as a home protection program, then segued into individual protection for elders. They were top notch, calling whenever Dad bent over. (That might be annoying to some people, but I saw it as a more intense level of service.)
8. Something you might consider if there are a few good neighbors is a lock box. Actually, it would be very helpful for first responders also. A key to the front door would be in it, protected by the lock, to which the lock code would be limited to you and your sister, police and/or fire department, and possibly one or two reliable neighbors.
9. Create a medical history chart, with contact information for you and your sister, other close relatives as well as names and contract numbers of health insurance companies. I also added an allergy history, list of meds, specific diagnosed conditions, hospitalizations (including basis, analysis, admission and discharge dates). Names and contact info for treating doctors was also included, as were dates of surgeries, purpose and condition treated.
10. I kept the Medical History in a 3-ring binder, together with a conformed copy of the Durable Power of Attorney (contact info for those parties was listed in the first section, along with relatives), or general Power of Attorney if that's what was created, and POLST or other medical directive for emergencies and/or end of life.
I created these medical and emergency binders for my parents to take when they became Winter Texans, so they could be available if anything happened down in Texas.
11. You might want to meet with the condo management and neighbors, and/or provide them with your plan for care, so that they're aware changes are in progress.
12. Florida from what I understand has a lot of services and caters to older folks. The local Senior Center may offer some additional services, such as wellness checks.
13. Check the smoke alarms every time you visit, just to be on the safe side.
The condo president, who knows my mother, was actually very understanding of what plan we had in place and even provided helpful resources. He knows we're working on it.
Have you asked the neighbors if they have any concerns for themselves, rather than for Grandma? For example fire? It’s reasonable to deal with them, or tell them how you have already fixed potential problems (eg turning the stove off, which you have done).
Have you asked the neighbors for their own suggestions, and for their estimates of the cost involved? Ask for it in writing, which will probably cut down the 'constant' calls. It’s just possible that they have a couple of good ideas. Would you be willing for them to implement options if they pay themselves?
If this does get worse, it will be a big help for you to show that you have been very very co-operative. It leaves it much more open for the Condo manager to see that they are unreasonable and should mind their own business.
I don't think the neighbors are being unreasonable at all.