We were never able to have children it took me over 14 years to accept it. 4 months ago we moved my soon to be 83 yr old mother in law into our 2-story 1440 sq.ft. Home with us & our 2 beloved furkids..aka dogs.
I thought we were doing right thing but now already I've been losing my mind, my sanity, my privacy & even my identity. Coupled with me working from home full time since Covid I feel almost imprisoned & I'm sadly hiding out in my bedroom all day to avoid her downstairs all day & even evenings now after my husband gets home from work.
We have no privacy for anything let alone me feeling comfortable to have sex in my own home. I've been suffering hot flashes going thru hopefully final stages of menopause & I can't even turn my a/c down to a comfortable temp downstairs, she has hijacked our whole peaceful home with constant blaring sitcoms -gameshows-sports on tv down there constantly.
I am miserable & worse yet my husband spends more time with her than me. It's like I'm slowly disappearing I have tried talking to spouse but he doesn't see it or get it. I love him but what can I do?
I told him I can't have sex while she is in our house it freaks me out. I am resorting to turning my walk in closet in our bedroom (which is furthest away from her bedrooms side of house) into some kind of a sex room with a twin mattress in there.
I need advice my husband will not allow her to go into a care facility. She is cognitive & can still take care of herself & even go up & down stairs twice daily.
I love her she is sweet but constantly complains about her head, or body aches & how she doesn't feel right but ever time she goes to hospital or whatever they tell her nothing is wrong. I tell her if she just sits all day then of course She will hurt.
She stares into space a lot when I do hang out with her & she constantly flips channels on tv & just sits there all day long watching that tv glazed over.
I can't concentrate to work so I hide out upstairs husband doesn't get it because his life didn't change. I avoid at all costs bringing up anything about not feeling good, or even asking her how she she's doing because that just opens the floodgates to listen to her complain about everything.
I've tried engaging her to come outside on nice days but she prefers to be a recluse. I feel like I'm being suffocated if I spend too much time with her anym uore plus her sad & depressed demeanor just pulls me in or tries to suck me down her dark depressed tunnel of doom & gloom.
I probably sound like a horrible ungrateful daughter in law but I want my life back & my sex life back. Husband doesn't seem to think these are major problems refuses to go to marriage counseling. I know he loves me more than anything that's what hurts.
I'm now working on cleaning up my exercise room which is also upstairs to be more of a utility escape room for me complete with a mini fridge & microwave so I don't have to go down there for much more than cooking a meal, taking dogs out, going outside to also escape with them now that weather is cooling off.
I feel so self centered but my marriage is at stake now & my mental well being. I simply cannot handle the stress & responsibilities everything is in my shoulders trying not to drink too much but wine & beer help taken the edge off.
I hope God can forgive me but I am not cut out for this. There's a reason why we couldn't have children so I have hidden used to living in a quiet & peaceful home with harmony. Now it is all upside down. I am open to any suggestions good or bad.
One thing in am realizing is that if I do not let her hijack my day afternoon away from me I am more happy staying distanced upstsirs. I love music & listen to whatever I want all day up there whether I'm working or cleaning.
I'm not going to let her sad depression threshold of me it's like sometimes I envision a big dark gray cloud looming in my living room exactly over the loveseat which has become her Velcro seat. It'
Second: you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your quiet life has been substantially changed, and part of what you're feeling is mourning for the life you had with your husband that you lost.
Why, exactly, did you move MIL in with you? Was it financial, or did she just need some more support?
There are several different ways you can go about dealing with this.
First option, continue the way you're going. Doesn't seem like a good idea, does it? I mean, it's 3:30 in the morning and you're on a caregiver support group, seeking help.
Second option, you can discuss with husband about doing some work around your house to convert part of the lower floor to a MIL suite, where she would have her own "space". Not knowing your house or financial situation, I don't know how feasible that is.
Third - and this is what I strongly recommend - you need to have, what is referred to here as a "come to Jesus" moment with your husband. You need to lay it out to him just like you laid it out to us.
"Honey, I love you. I know you love and worry about mom. I understand what our thinking was when we moved mom in with us. But this experiment is failing. I feel trapped in our home. I feel we have no privacy. I feel we have no intimacy. I cannot be comfortable enough with mom here to make love with you, and I am really missing that part of our relationship. It is very, very important to me. We need to discuss different living arrangements for mom, or I don't know how long I will last in this situation."
When you moved her in, what sort of discussions did you and hubby have? Did if occur to either of you that her care needs are only going to increase? Who will be responsible for the majority of her care as she becomes more and more dependent? You both need to be in agreement about this. It's not fair for him to assume you will shoulder the burden of caregiving. These are the topics you need to discuss with him, and sooner rather than later.
I know you feel like a hamster on a wheel right now. You can get off, but it is going to take some strength and fortitude on your side. I'm sorry I don't have an easier answer for you. I know how alone all of this can make you feel, and you have my prayers.
Good luck!
I might be bossy but I feel YOU are the Ruling Queen of your castle! Your MIL is the Dowager Queen & could be assigned her own retreat (room with bedroom, space for microwave, kettle, bathroom) while you & your DH live in the house.
She could of course live elsewhere! I will be the first of many replies (I bet) that say indeed she should!
So question time. Do you want her to move into her own quarters? Or move completly out?
The other option is... well, let's just say that multi generational families live in one room dwellings all over the world, and they make it work.
1. You. You are hiding out in your own home. You no longer feel welcome or free in it.
2. Him. Loving his mother and wanting the best for her, he is trying to be all things to her - host, protector, entire social circle, all on his own. Meanwhile he's losing his wife and making her miserable.
3. MIL. She is living in a place where most of the time she is alone, with only the tv for company; which is not, as a matter of fact, her familiar home; and where, with the best will in the world, the full-time caregiver does not want her - no matter how hard you strive to hide it from her, the vibes you give off will be felt. Would you want to live with someone feeling that your mere presence gave her a nervous tic? The truth will out, and the truth is that it is impossible not to be hostile to someone you don't want in your space.
I did a quick search, and there are five continuing care facilities near your town, apparently. I don't know what DH has against the idea of them - probably first of all that he falsely equates them with rejecting his mother - but I should begin by having a look at them. The goal to bear in mind is that you are looking for a better, more fulfilling, happier retirement life for HER. Do some fact-finding and see what's available. Then we can work on gradually bringing him AND HER round to a different perspective.
With Covid, you are of course going to have to have patience. This can't change overnight. But if you can see having MIL to look after as a fixed-term project -rather than oh dear God will this be forever? - it should make it easier to bear.
I feel for you on the loveseat. For me, it was the kitchen table, mother sitting there all morning with her newspaper and her sickly-smelling golden syrup oatmeal. But I repent my feelings about it now, you know. I'd much rather you and DH ended up with nothing to regret.
Thank goodness for a 2 story house. You can make a lot of space for "yourself" or "her.'' However, you prefer to do it.
So sorry you have to deal with this issue and I sincerely hope that you can find a viable solution soon. Best wishes to you and your husband.
My mom has hijacked the living room couch because this spot is sunnier and warmer than other rooms, has no hobbies or interests of her own, tries to hover around me and stare at me. All this drives up my husband against the wall and he has no interest in intimacy now. Mom is in the early stages of dementia whereas my husband has no experience with this and he's aghast at how much help she needs. Some days I fantasize about taking her back to our home country and getting my life back .
It's great you have managed to carve out private space. As long as your MIL is safe, comfortable, some quality of life, you have done your job, IMHO. Maybe you can hire an aide to come sit with her for a few hours so that you can get a mental break or go out with husband for dinner.
tell the husband you need more love to feel more adjust.
the also make headphone for TV sets. ( which yes she will forget about them).
if you can’t make adjustments it’s really not fair to you or her to live together.
I always worry about quality of life,
Have you checked with free places offered for Seniors to go to for game playing, lunch. Ect?
Sounds like she needs some friends.
If she doesn't have anything to do, then watching TV all day is what she'll do.
Maybe you can get her interested in reading, painting, puzzles, coloring. cross word, making bracelets, ect.
Would she like a lap pet to keep her Company and get her out if the house to walk it?
Does she have a couple friends that you could arrange a weekly daytime get together for playing cards, domino's or just hanging out visiting.
I'm sure your husband feels obligated to visit with your mom when he comes home from work, as she's sitting right there watching TV.
Leave your MIL home and go meet your husband for lunch.
Leave MIL home and meet husband for dinner.
Get someone to spend the night with MIL if she can't stay by herself and you and husband have a cozy night or weekend get away once a month.
Check with friends, Church Members, Seniors, ect and invite a single man over for dinner and once she finds someone she likes, she won't mind entertaining him downstairs and while they're listening to music, playing games, watching TV or whatever, ya'll can be upstairs having some alone time.
Tasking a Shower together having Chinese food delivered and using chopsticks and share and eat right out of the carton by candlelight.
Turn pretty music on and give each other a sensual massage using a nice smelling massage oil..
And, with MIL being downstairs with the TV blaring, You won't have to worry about her hearing you and your husband make love.
Remember, it won't do any good to complain or talk bad about his mom, let him do the bad mouthing or thoughts.
Let his thinking of you be all good thoughts.
Prayers
You get a break & some fun.
Your DH gets to feel how one version of his future could be - just him & his Mom. May get lonely...
Maybe he will decide to choose a different future & cut those apron strings a bit.
I know many 'Good Sons' who don't live with their Moms.
This is the one thing that you can give your husband that his mommy can not, it gives you the power, don't throw that away because she might hear you. Let her be uncomfortable, that is what happens when you live with other people in their home.
As a bonus, when your Mother in law has her TV ears in, she won't be able to hear your bed squeak.
She really might be happier in an independent living situation with other elders. She must know she's not completely welcome in your home. Start looking for another option for her.
I wish you well.
Grace + Peace,
Old Bob
As for mom, maybe she would do better going to an adult day program. She could interact with others and you can get work done. If you worked in an office, you would not be available to care for her while you were working. It may be considered inconsiderate - and extremely difficult - to expect you to do the job of caregiving while also working for a paycheck. You would then have to only deal with your MIL in the evenings. Create an apartment-like setting for her in your home instead of you creating one to hide away in. She can be with you both for meals and some social time, but then she can have her privacy (and you can have yours back) in the later hours.
He helped me care for her and he grew to love her, because he knew how much my mom means to me. It is strange how life turns out. When I first met my husband my mom could not stand him. 21 years later...he became an essential person to help us both survive.
THAT IS FAMILY--You help each other. In sickness, and in health.
What you need to do is, grab your husband, take him out somewhere for dinner, and just unload on him. Tell him what you have to put up with on a daily basis, tell him how you miss being intimate, and try to appeal to his love for you. Hell, buy a hotel room and go to town with him in there. Rent it for an entire week and bam! 7 days of comfortable sex, where you don't have to worry about his mom hearing you go at it.
As a more permanent solution, you can put up acoustic sound deafening foam walling in your bedroom, and his mom is never going to hear so much as a single muffled moan.
As far as retaking your living room, either do as others have said and move her into her own room, or get his mother to buy hearing aids if she has to turn the tv up high to hear. I had to deal with the same sh** when I was living in with my 85 year-old aunt. She would turn the tv up to full blast, and I could hear it over my music with headphones in. I had to force her to go out and buy a hearing aid. After that, I really didn't mind her too much. She was like, "Wow, I put in the hearing aid, turned on the tv, and it was way too loud!" Yea...
She has late-stage dementia now and I had to let her go to an old folks home, because she couldn't do basic things for herself. I was with her for about a year and a half, and if there's one thing I've learned it's this. If something bothers you, let her know asap. She's not doing it on purpose, I almost guarantee it. Old people really don't realize how anoyying they can be, but it's not really there fault. Some are just stubborn and don't want a hearing aid or a cane because it... makes them feel old. Too bad, that's part of aging.
Changing your walk-in closet into a hide away seems intriguing and censual. It could be your secret garden.
Is he an only child? Siblings can share the responsibility as well if they are willing.
Have you thought about someone coming in to assist with her ADL's or a sitter?
It will be alright.
Good luck!
Try to go out and get some professional counseling just for yourself. Your mental health needs care.
The counselor may help you see how to connect with husband re: all this difficulty.
Best wishes ❤️
She's 84 and capable of fully taking care of herself. She has no illnesses, no disabilities. She's a huge gossip, loves drama and does not leave us alone when we want to spend time in the kitchen preparing meals - she pretty much took over the entire downstairs and her TV is often blaring. Even when she's watching her TV show and she sees that we have entered the kitchen, she will come, sit at the counter and watch us - we wouldn't mind the company sometimes but it's all the time. Mom acts like a princess, she expects to be asked if she needs to go to the doctor even though we clearly see that she's OK, she just wants that type of attention. She won't say "hello" first to anyone, she expects for people to approach her first and often when hugging her she'll just stand there like a tree. She talks badly about my boyfriend's grown children because they don't come to visit. They don't visit because she's very unpleasant. She treats my boyfriend like a child and on several occasions when she didn't get her way, she accused him of being aggressive with her. She actually told the police that she's afraid of him. She had accused multiple people of wrongdoing, including aggression, because she didn't get her way. When she's sleeping, everyone is expected to tip toe around the house, but she slams the kitchen cabinets, she's super loud in the kitchen and blares TV or music whenever she feels like it. There were times when she sat on the floor and claimed that she had fallen. When nobody's looking, she basically sprints around the house but the minute someone is in her presence, she walks slowly holding onto the wall to "steady herself." There's more!
While mom is fully functioning and does not need help with taking care of herself, there are things she is unwilling to even try because she doesn't speak English. She's unable to make an appointment or call a taxi to take her where she wants to go.
I'm also dealing with mom taking jabs at me. She's upset that I'm taking up her son's time which, if it weren't for me, would be her time with him. She had voiced her approval of him and me setting up a life together as long as that happens after she's dead.
I don't live with my boyfriend and his mom, and based on what I have witnessed so far during our relationship, there is absolutely no way that I would put myself under the same roof with her. The only relaxing time that we have is when mom isn't home or she's sleeping, other than that I feel uncomfortable being in that house. If we're spending time in there, we grab food and drinks and escape upstairs where we feel at least a little away from her, but no way I could deal with that on a long term basis.
My boyfriend is the only family that mom has here and so she has to be taken into consideration as we make our future plans. So we started talking about what our options are if we plan on making a future together and have her fit into our lives in a way that will not be destructive to our relationship.
Boyfriend and I agree that we cannot live peacefully in the same house. We have both agreed that she may live on the same property with us, as long as she has her own living space: separate entrance, her own kitchen and living areas - whether it's an in-law unit or a duplex type of property. It might still create some drama having her so close, that's just an option and we feel that it's a fairly good one for us to retain our sanity and have her close in case she needs something but not having her in the same space. Another option is placing her in a little condo nearby. Never, ever, EVER under the same roof sharing living space.
My Mom lived with us for 2 (loooong) months before she moved into ALF.
At first I was completely too freaked out to have sex because she was literally feet away in the next room!
I realized that I had to get over it!
It wasn't easy, but it was necessary for my marriage.
Maybe if you moan and scream really loud, she'll beg to move out!! Lol!! ( just trying to make you smile).
As others have suggested, a TV in her own room may be a good idea. She can be a recluse in her own room instead of her forcing you to be a recluse in your room!
Sending prayers and (((hugs)))!
Your husband made the decision to move her into your house, making you her de facto caretaker without understanding that you are having to bear the brunt of it. It is OK if you are not up to it! You need to tell him that. You don't have to feel guilty about it one bit. If he minimizes the impact it's having on your and tells you just to deal with it you may find yourself in the position of having to choose to stay or go. Don't make any ultimatums unless you are willing to follow through with it.
As far as sex, I suggest you get 2 white noise machines and put one outside your bedroom door and one inside your bedroom.
We live in a ranch and her bedroom is on one end and ours is at the other end. Thank God Our bedroom has a sitting room where we find our personal time. Mother-in-law and her walker can't really make the trip.
Your husband need to step up and be opened minded. Who comes first? Let him stay home with his mother while you go out for a girls day out.
God Bless
If he doesn’t get it, tell him he can take care of her while you take time off to spend with friends. Have a girls night out. Perhaps then he will GET IT.
You're not self centered; you're longing to have your life back, which is perfectly understandable considering an intruder moved into your house & ruined your peace & harmony.
Why are you supposed to be a 'grateful' daughter in law? Grateful for WHAT, exactly? For being intruded upon by your mother in law?
Your statement, ".....husband doesn't get it because his life didn't change" says it all. His life will HAVE to change in order for him TO 'get it'. If he winds up with a depressed and angry wife, then his life will have changed. If you tell him you won't be there during the day to care for or entertain his mother, then HE will have to change his schedule to do the care giving/entertaining. And THAT will change his life. Sometimes it takes a wake up call for a person to wake up. His first clue that you're miserable should have been when you set up a sex-closet. Not that there's anything wrong with that........it's just that you need privacy SO badly that you're needing to set up a closet to find it. That's not how things should be in one's OWN home.
You say your MIL is 'cognitive', then go on to say she won't go outside and sits in front of the TV set all day with a glazed look in her eyes. That doesn't sound like a high cognition level to me, frankly.
She doesn't need to go to a 'care facility' if she's able to care for herself. She can go into a senior Independent Living apartment that has a continuum of care; Assisted Living, Memory Care and Skilled Nursing on site as well so that she can move accordingly as needed, IF needed. It's not a sin or a crime for an elder to live independently. In fact, it's a good idea for ALL concerned, including HER. Who does SHE have to canoodle with while you're upstairs all day long trying to avoid her? Not that I blame you...........just saying. She's all alone during the day and has nothing to do except watch tv, you're miserable b/c she's usurped YOUR life and home, so who's winning here? Nobody.
Talk to DH and let him know just HOW upset and miserable you are. Offer to help him scout out various Independent Living places for his mom and then offer to help her get set up in one. You are not 'abandoning' her.........you are just helping her get set up to live her OWN life while you and your DH live YOUR lives. That's how things should be.
Wishing you the best of lucking having a real conversation with DH about your true feelings.
I knew that it would not work as a permanent solution and found an assisted living facility nearby and suggested she try it out for a few weeks to see if she would like the idea. She decided it was a better option and after exploring some other options she chose one.
It worked out well, she had her own room and bath, lots of activities and trips, new friends, lots of things to complain about. Best part I could visit as I wanted and leave when I wanted.
I know it’s difficult right now but some facilities are welcoming new residents so it is worth exploring some options.
Your MIL is probably used to doing things as she has been doing for decades and cannot or will not adapt to her new life with you. is it feasible to sit down with her and your husband and discuss some of the issues? Focus on concerns for her mental and physical health and what you feel needs to happen.