For 62 years my mom has been at home taking care of all the household duties, kinda old school. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, you get the picture! They are really very healthy but since the covid lockdown they both have been sitting around for the last year and have aged so much. My mom has lost desire to cook clean and do all the things that you did for the last 62 years. She kind of just sits on the couch on her iPad ordering crazy stuff from Amazon and then returning it. My dad sits in his recliner all day betting on horses and talks about going out all the time but never really leaves the house. Me and my sister do everything for them and we’re constantly trying to figure out dinner for them and if they eat lunch and it’s really starting to wear us down because they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves but she doesn’t wanna do it anymore. We think they need a marriage counselor but now I’m starting to think that me and my sister need to go to counseling lol. Anybody out there in the same situation? We are open to suggestions. Thanks
My in-laws are sort of like this. When they went down in acuity, we got called upon for everything down to their litter pan.
If they want their house cleaned, then they do it themselves or bring in someone. If they want their yard done, same thing.
Like PeggySue said, why should they do anything if your willing to do it. COVID is here to stay. Just like the flu. Time to get them to the doctor to have labs done and a goid physical. Moms depression can be caused by something physical, like low potassium levels. There are meds for depression. Time to get them out and about now Spring is here. If the house is getting too much, time to downsize.
I think you and your sis have it about right. Therapy for the two of you to figure out what the best plan is and how to develop boundaries. It’s a very nice treat to bring your parents a home cooked meal once or twice a month, but daily is setting yourself up for 10 years or more of hard labor.
It is not unusual for women your moms age to decide they are done. The problem is when she “retired” no one gave her a party and now she is trying to entertain herself with the computer. If they can afford the activities they are pursuing they can pay for help.
Meals on wheels is not moms cooking or yours but it’s a meal delivered to their door and no one has to figure it out. They get what is on the menu that day.
A housekeeper that comes in on a regular basis will reduce moms workload.
Since you don’t mention what dad used to do, I assume not the chores you are doing now. If there is lawn care or honey dos I hope you haven’t also signed up your husbands for those chores.
if they are ready for an ALF and can afford it, start looking but if they are wanting to live at home awhile longer, then they need “the talk” about getting help to lighten moms load which has now become yours.
I doubt seriously she or he will decide to go back to doing the chores they used to do but the alternative is not to load it onto you and sis.
Practice saying no or a little softer verse….“I couldn’t possibly do that.*” If you don’t work now, get a job or do something to make it easier for you to say no or make that therapy appointment.
*Poster Frequent Flyer had to use this for her parents in their late 90s when they wanted her to do things she was too old to do, Remember you are getting older as they “age in place”. It’s later than you think.
Just because your parents have decided to become lazy and blame it on the lockdown that's on them not you or your sister.
If they get hungry enough one of them will figure out once again how to use the oven or microwave. Or better yet, since they both spend a lot of time online, they can just order food to be delivered.
Quit babying them for Pete's sake! They're grown a** adults and are more than capable of taking care of themselves. Your sister and you need to just step back and let the chips fall where they may. Time for you both to be the bigger of the adults in this situation.
As Beatty here always says, there will be no solutions as long as you are all the solutions. You and your sister should sit together, perhaps with an hour or two of time from a Licensed Social Worker who does counseling on life transitions, and decide the best approach here. Then approach your parents with it.
I wish you a lot of luck.
My suggestion to you is to have a heart-to-heart talk with your folks; let them know how much you love them and how concerned you are for their well being right now. Offer to get them to the doctor for a physical and to get medication to help them feel better. Offer to take a walk with them OUTSIDE every day, too; sometimes fresh air will help. Remind them that we ALL need help from time to time, especially after the lockdowns when we're all a bit down. Let them know that you sisters have your own busy lives and can no longer do 'everything' for them, that they have to help out too, and the first step is to admit there's a problem going on that needs attention. Once you get over that hurdle, things should be easier in general.
Wishing you the best of luck getting them the medical attention they need!