Hi everyone,
My parents are both in their 90's and still living at home. They have always been very organized and smart about finances. My mother is starting to have small memory problems but she's still pretty sharp as far as I can tell. My sibling and I are having big disagreements about how competent she is to make her own decisions regarding care for her and my Dad. My sibling is insisting on advising my mom about decisions and my mom is very resistant, feeling that she is still well-equipped to make decisions on her own. I'm of the opinion that my Mom is still capable enough and we should honor the last bits of control she feels she can have in this life. This is causing a lot of strain in the family. Any advice appreciated!
By standing in the way of sister’s push to get this done, you may be shooting yourself in the foot. Dealing with management of their affairs would be twice as hard if, say, she were lying helplessly in bed after a stroke and dad’s wringing his hands as you’re all trying to untangle the financial mess so you can pay for the care they suddenly need.
Don’t wait.
I think we have a clearer idea of how we will handle things when "push comes to shove". It's this in-between time that's got us in a tangle. I appreciate your advice, however!
Your mom will need help at some point even if she is doing fairly well now. It’s best to be prepared before something tragic happens.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I’ve seen situations like this get out of control and ruin families lives forever
Be careful, things can go south very quickly. It’s a lot easier to have these conversations while your parents are competent. But if they resist, there’s not much anyone can do when it gets bad. I say when, not if. Statistically, neural decline is inevitable with one or both.
Families vary in how secretive and private they are, but with parents in their 90s it is time to put the cards on the table and at least discuss all of this.
Admire you for trying to honor one another's and your parents positions. I think you will do great despite one perhaps a bit more proactive than the other. So glad of your support for your parents. You're to be congratulated for wanting to work TOGETHER when so many siblings squabble and it all goes South, causing great pain to the parents, and backing them into their corner more than ever.
Good luck. TALK TO THEM after you talk together. Come to a way to approach all this gently and with love. Tell them you no way want to switch roles and would have utterly no idea how to do so, but that you DO want to be support for them, returning the love they always gave YOU.
Now is the time for you and your sibling to come to a compromise about your parents’ care. Your sibling is right in wanting to have the conversation with your parents about future care, and you are right in wanting to allow them to continue to have the freedom to make their own decisions. What you both should do is to compromise and have the conversation now with your parents about their future care, but let them continue to carry on with their lives while you both keep an eye on them to make sure they are doing everything correctly. Once your parents start to make mistakes in their finance, running of their household, etc., this will be the time for you and your sibling to step in and take control of the situation. In the meantime, please make sure that your parents give you both POA, one sibling as primary and the other sibling as secondary, before their memory problem gets to the point where they are incompetent to do so.
See All Answers