Hi everyone,
My parents are both in their 90's and still living at home. They have always been very organized and smart about finances. My mother is starting to have small memory problems but she's still pretty sharp as far as I can tell. My sibling and I are having big disagreements about how competent she is to make her own decisions regarding care for her and my Dad. My sibling is insisting on advising my mom about decisions and my mom is very resistant, feeling that she is still well-equipped to make decisions on her own. I'm of the opinion that my Mom is still capable enough and we should honor the last bits of control she feels she can have in this life. This is causing a lot of strain in the family. Any advice appreciated!
It might also be a good idea to schedule a visit with a lawyer. Your mom - and dad - should have wills and powers of attorney (legal documents) drawn up that appoint a specific person to manage each of their medical and financial affairs. These types of documents keep family arguments to a minimum.
I'd remind sibling about this (kindly put of course).
But for sure it can be noticed when decision making skills fade, judgement starts to look patchy, some decisions are outright risky!
Yes dear Father if you are reading - getting on the ladder is RISKY!
If you want to be peace-maker here (a thankless task) you can explain to both that decision making is not black & white - there are many shades inbetween. Many types & each situation can be assessed separately.
Eg choosing to eat crackers everyday for lunch is very different to selling the entire share portfolio. Yeah, both may be poor decisions.. Both may be stem from wanting to simply & avoid complicated choices. Selecting ingredients, food prep, time & energy vs crackers. Seeing one simple bank account vs many statements spread over paper & email, arriving at different times.
Maybe your Mother would like to & is quite capable of deciding her daily routine, what she wears, where she goes, what she eats, daily spending on houshold items or small gifts but may need support for decision making for larger financial decisions?
'Supported decision making' is the inbetween between full independance & others deciding: assisting someone to know the options of a choice, to present them in a way they can understand them & understand the consequences of each too. Then they are in a better position to weigh things up to decide. This preserves their *dignity of choice*.
Regarding decisions that involve care for your Father. Whoa. I am up to my eyes in this too.
BIG SIGH.
One example is a fall alarm.
- Let them complelety choose:
Do you want to get one?
- Assisted decision making:
If you had a falls alarm, & unfortunately you fell, the alarm may get help a lot faster. Without an alarm, if you cannot get up, it will take a lot longer to be found & assisted. Do you want to get one?
- Others decide: Get the alarm. (Although if this is not Mom's choice, she may rebel & hide it in the drawer like SO many do).
Now is the time for you and your sibling to come to a compromise about your parents’ care. Your sibling is right in wanting to have the conversation with your parents about future care, and you are right in wanting to allow them to continue to have the freedom to make their own decisions. What you both should do is to compromise and have the conversation now with your parents about their future care, but let them continue to carry on with their lives while you both keep an eye on them to make sure they are doing everything correctly. Once your parents start to make mistakes in their finance, running of their household, etc., this will be the time for you and your sibling to step in and take control of the situation. In the meantime, please make sure that your parents give you both POA, one sibling as primary and the other sibling as secondary, before their memory problem gets to the point where they are incompetent to do so.
Be careful, things can go south very quickly. It’s a lot easier to have these conversations while your parents are competent. But if they resist, there’s not much anyone can do when it gets bad. I say when, not if. Statistically, neural decline is inevitable with one or both.
Your sibling and you might be seeing things from a different perspective. We all look at things differently. When my mom started with cognitive decline, she had been living with me and hubby for a year or two. No one else would have been able to tell she had any decline going on but since I spent so much time with her, I did notice little things. Some people brush these things under the carpet and say "oh we all do that" or "oh she's just getting old". But that's not the way I saw it. I saw it as the writing on the wall showing what was coming our way.
It's possible that you and your sister could be at opposite ends of the spectrum on this? Does she give you examples of things mom has done that lead her to question mom's abilities?
People with memory issues can be VERY good at hiding their symptoms and making up for it in conversation with lots of vague answers, etc. It can be hard to accept that our parents are declining, but very often that is what is going on.
Your sister might need to find a gentler way to assist your parents. OTOH, doing too much for them before they need it is not a great idea either. I did too much for my mom and made her able to do less around the house which was not a good plan on my part. Someone told me I was DISabling her not ENabling her. I was kind of mad at first but then I understood that she was RIGHT. Ugh.
Best of luck.
Mom and or dad should then tell sibling to butt out if that is how they feel.
You should stay out of the discussion.
Now if you notice mom and or dad are having problems then forming a "united front" to discuss concerns with mom and dad is a good idea.
If you and or your sibling are doing things to "make it easier" for mom and dad then you are both "guilty" of propping them up and giving them a false sense of independence and you should stop helping them so they fully understand that they do need help. (if this is the case)
I’ve seen situations like this get out of control and ruin families lives forever
Families vary in how secretive and private they are, but with parents in their 90s it is time to put the cards on the table and at least discuss all of this.
Admire you for trying to honor one another's and your parents positions. I think you will do great despite one perhaps a bit more proactive than the other. So glad of your support for your parents. You're to be congratulated for wanting to work TOGETHER when so many siblings squabble and it all goes South, causing great pain to the parents, and backing them into their corner more than ever.
Good luck. TALK TO THEM after you talk together. Come to a way to approach all this gently and with love. Tell them you no way want to switch roles and would have utterly no idea how to do so, but that you DO want to be support for them, returning the love they always gave YOU.
Your mom will need help at some point even if she is doing fairly well now. It’s best to be prepared before something tragic happens.
Best wishes to you and your family.
By standing in the way of sister’s push to get this done, you may be shooting yourself in the foot. Dealing with management of their affairs would be twice as hard if, say, she were lying helplessly in bed after a stroke and dad’s wringing his hands as you’re all trying to untangle the financial mess so you can pay for the care they suddenly need.
Don’t wait.
I think we have a clearer idea of how we will handle things when "push comes to shove". It's this in-between time that's got us in a tangle. I appreciate your advice, however!