He is much worse than before. He refuses to follow the “rules” given by the doctor. Also now he is worse but refuses to go back for follow up testing which is past due. I can not force him. The doctor says that “Something will happen” to bring this to a must go situation. It is hard to see the days he just can’t process information. He is very stubborn by nature. My EDS disease keep me from being as watchful as I should. He can be very sarcastic, verbally abusive, and my anxiety goes through the roof. No one seems to understand my position. His son just says sorry for your situation to me! This is his father and I wish he could help but he is too busy. Not sure what I can do.
You say "His Son". Let me ask you if this is also YOUR son. If not, let Social Services know that you are losing your mind, and they need to contact his next of kin, his son. Then the son can decide if he would like to accept guardianship and care of the father and assist with placing him, or if the State should take over guardianship. There will be things that will have to be combed out by a lawyer to assure YOUR OWN assets for your life ongoing is not absorbed in the care of your husband.
So step one, when you cannot do this any more, call the Ambulance for the ER DUMP as I call it.
Do not take him back in your home and use the words "Sending him home is an unsafe discharge; I can't and won't take care of him any more".
See a Lawyer to protect your own share of your properties in your state (Elder Law Attorney) and try to get all the financial things worked out.
If this is the son of BOTH of you, tell him that you are planning to send Dad to Emergency Room soon, that you cannot care for him any longer.
Wishing you good luck.
My problem now is I can not decide when I need to do what you have suggested. I will talk again to my own docs regarding this. They have already said I am not able to continue this.....but WHEN is my right time. I pray for guidance. I feel guilty. He would hate leaving here. My disease is degenerative and I am only getting worse as time goes on. I will call my attorney about referral to an elder care attorney. I am thinking now of telling him he MUST go for his physical and cognitive testing that is past due. Last month I was hospitalized for out of control pain, depression and pain and anxiety. Thank you for your concern and advice as no one really understands what my life has
Tomorrow you should call social services for Ramsey county (651-266-4444) or go to their website. Look under Adult Services and you'll see info for:
- Adult Protection
- Senior Services
- Disability Services
- Mental and Chemical Health services
Request an in-home assessment and they may be able to provide you with some help, like light housekeeping, meal prep, rides, etc. Make sure you let a social worker know of your illness and that you don't feel safe in your own home. If your husband gets physical with you they (social services) will have you on their radar as a Vulnerable Adult and may be able to forcibly remove your husband permanently into a facility. This is what eventually happened with my FIL. I wish you rest, safety and peace in your heart as you navigate this stressful situation!
https://www.ramseycounty.us/your-government/departments/health-and-wellness/social-services
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. I'm just puzzled by a treatment rationale that seems to expect a person with a degenerative brain disease to follow "rules."
It is time for you to let go of the guilt you are feeling. Do you think it would be more appropriate to feel guilt for not getting him the care he needs? Get him that care, get him in a facility. You have your doctor telling you that enough is enough. Take his advice and find a way. And caring for him includes getting him the care he NEEDS!
Who has his powers of attorney?
AlvaDeer has some very helpful ideas.
I am at my wits end also. I have asked around here and my other family members, no one can tell me what to do at this point but wait.
i get verbally abused all the time, he drinks excessively and falls.
i feel your pain. I wish I had better advice but it’s like the doctor says it’s just a matter of time.
I’ll keep up with your posts!
good luck! Marrha
I would immediately consult with an attorney about options. One option that I would consider is filing a petition for Incompetency. You can ask the court to appoint a third party as the Guardian. The Guardian will be unbiased and have no hesitance to make the right decisions for DH’s care and treatment. This would take the burden off you. Another family member might qualify, if they can show the court they are capable.
If you continue to sit by and not make the hard calls....I’d really talk to his doctors. Because, if the doctors are telling you, this must be done, something will happen...and then you don’t step up, they could report the matter to APS for an investigation. That would be very stressful and something you don’t need. My LO’s doctor told her that she needed AL and that it was not safe to be at home AND that she would not let it go. I knew what she meant. She gave her a little time to get into a facility.
I hope you can find some things that help.
It is not in his best interest to continue testing. He has dementia, it will progress, it will get worse, it cannot be stopped. Further testing will not tell you anything worthwhile that you do not know already.
I would get him into a memory care facility. He needs it and his care is more than you can do.
Tudy, I recommend that YOU read, watch and listen to anything you can get your hands on, about dementia and lighten up.
Your expectations are way too over the top for anybody with dementia. Who is this goofy doctor? Get a gerontologist for him that KNOWS dementia. Do this for him. I cannot imagine a doc would prepare a chart of instructions for someone to follow.
RELAX AND LIGHTEN UP for Pete's sake.
You cannot reason or explain anything to anyone with dementia.
But you still think it's up to him to follow the rules? How is he to do that if he can't remember what they are or when they apply or even why they're there?
If you're not able to prompt and direct him through his daily routines, he needs to live with people who can.