My brothers and I have taken nearly 3 months on FMLA providing home care for our 92 year old father with dementia after stepmom got sick and he was left home alone and not getting out of bed. It took us 3.5 months to get the house in order and the care agencies screened and her to be well enough to return. There is 24/7 home care agency in place now.
He has vision problems, no sense of time, walks with a cane, failed the clock drawing and can not say how many quarters in $1.25 and at times does not know who we are but does KNOW that he can drive. After a horrifying scare in the garage, we sold the car under the POA and removed the golf cart.
He has been raging for 3 weeks. We are horrible children for stealing his car and cart. How is he going to get to his golf game on Thursday - hasn't played in 5 years. It doesn't matter if someone gets hurt since he has insurance. (!)
I personally took him to the bank with the check for the car to deposit - he was pleased since the transmission "could not be repaired" and he got 4k over blue book. But he quickly forgot about that.
At the bank he demanded copies of the check being deposited and to be reflected on the new statement they handed him, then I spent 90 minutes in the branch softly trying to explain it needed to clear before being added to the balance and the check was still in the teller's drawer. F-bombs, dirty pigs stealing his money, finally got him out of there.
On a recent call, he said he has to sell his house and move, divorce my stepmom, we are all dead to him..... If he ever sees the doc (his PCP) again who said he can not drive, he will punch him in the face.
He called car dealerships to bring him a car to the house to test drive and buy, at least 5 dealerships from ads in the newspaper. Stepmom caught most all of them before they came to the house.
He demands to go to the bank, nearly 2 or 3 times a week and wants copies of his statements to balance his checkbook or get cash.
The first visit to the bank after I left, they obliged him but called my brother (who is now named on account as trustee) it will not be possible any longer, especially when he is so disturbing at the branch.
Even if it we present him with the current statement, he pours over it for hours but needs a new one, right now from the bank, since the other he has marked up or is not right. Now he remembered another branch he wants to go to, since the old one does not treat him right.
My poor stepmom is at her wits end despite having 24/7 care there. She gives into his unrelenting demands, just to get some peace. I can understand since I went through it for 3 months, but he has new stamina from the regular meals and exercise which should be positive but alas the energy goes into the negativity volcano.
The bills, mail and his old files where his only activity in life lately and he still has the habit but not the ability and is totally frustrated and at times aggressive or crying or stewing. It is probably because he just wants to prove he is not having any problems taking care of things.
My brothers and I are all a plane ride away but after our investment in the initial 4 months of set up- we are not able to be present on a regular basis.
Therefore my consideration of engaging with an Aging Life Care professional to visit with my father and stepmom and provide direction for the caregivers and perhaps give some suggestions for other activities or things my father could do to occupy his time and mind. Perhaps bi-weekly or so.
Any experience with these types of providers?
Any suggestions for activities for a cranky 92 year old who never had any hobbies except golf and watching the market?
Despite being "away" from the situation, it is constantly filling our days with disaster recovery and concern for both of them.
Thank you for any help or experience you might share about this.
You had best get with an elder law attorney to see how that can be revised, if it can.
An aging life care professional is also known as a geriatric care manager. It would be a great idea to find one for the folks. My mom and her husband had one, court ordered, to check in on them on a biweekly basis. They both enjoyed her company as I did. That person can also assist you in identifying appropriate facilities when it is time. And knowing them better also helps make the selection.
I have already engaged an elder law attorney several months ago, he is very good.
It might be good to have someone with geriatric care experience (they are usually nurses or social workers) available to you and your brother's to say what is best and how to gain buy in from dad and stepmom.
Did the police have anything to say about step-mom's accident?
Yes, Barb I was hoping to hear if anyone had experience with Care Managers as kind of an unbiased perspective. Yes, I was considering it as easing the load by having some boots on the ground.
Buy in from my dad or SM is probably never going to be in the cards if it has to do with leaving the house but of course the time will come and we will need to slay that dragon then.
Right now it is my challenge to keep my head above water with my own life after having these other two lives added to my responsibility list.
If there is now 24/7/365 care, I take it your father is in a good financial situation? Since this is a blended family, do you know how assets are split in the trust? Or does your father have his own trust? Could your stepsiblings siphon off money for their mother, leaving you with not enough for your father?
If SM gets in an accident and seriously injures or kills someone, could everything be at risk to a lawsuit?
I am impressed that your brothers and you split the time to take care of your father. Often it is just one sibling who ends up doing that -- often a daughter.
Now that things are set-up, we agreed to take turns monthly to check on everything, take care of house maintenance stuff and visit. We all know the answer - "everything is fine" needs to be controlled with your own eyes.
Setting up her care was a priority not to be left to chance, since the care givers are there for my father, not her. In her condition it was not something she could have organized.
Of course she felt she did not need assistance, but he was able to have her sign off on the contract for her own care givers during her convalescence.
Their finances are completely separate, prenup, etc. No joint anything.
My brothers and I try to work together but it is challenging at times to achieve a census or avoid misunderstandings.
Dad wants to keep control of his life, his things, his finances. Heck, who doesn't?
But he can longer do so - not to the same level. He cannot understand this - don't try to reason - dementia prevents understanding it.
For some, looking at recent bank statements is a good pastime. They are confused but pleasantly so. But if this stirs up more anger, withdraw it.
Sorry if I sound harsh this morning. But is Dad living at home still working for him? Is it working for StepMom?
Is it time to reassess the plan?
I think Dad needs to be outnumbered. At home he is still King of his Castle & the aides work for him, right? Sad but true.. when you are living in group aged care, you become part of the group. All elderly, all had to give much up to be there, but there is company in that too. When someone is agitated there is a staff member to redirect. If that fails for one, a different staff member can often succeed. Even the most 'never join a group' person will join in the singing or movie or whatever & surprise you. Like being at school & just joining in. If done well, it can smooth over the rumination on what's been lost & change focus to the small things in the day that pass the time.
Many learn to 'let go' of those things that they are no longer independent at. Control of their bank accounts being one.
But they KEEP control of what they ARE independent at. How to comb their hair, what shirt to wear, how much pudding to eat, whether to line up the cards or coins in their wallet. Small things but achievable.
Another way to see it that an educator told me is 'set them up to succeed'.
At them moment - is Dad set up to succeed in his world? Or is he surrounded by things he can no longer do?
Nothing is certain but uncertainty.
If I only had an answer for "is it still working for him/SM" . My criteria was safe and comfortable. Because when I start adding in happy or content, it is a lost frustrating game.
There is the added complexity of having siblings which also have their perspective on what to do and coming to agreement is not easy - let alone getting a con-call set up. This has torn everyone apart which hurts me the most.
I am not going behind SM back and talking to her kids, with whom I have no contact. If one of them were to call me up and let me know I was supposed to do x or y regarding Dad, would probably not sit so good by me.
I have no idea what is their family dynamic is and not interested in the back story. Besides, I really have enough drama with my own family and my father. Her daughter brought the car back to her from the repair shop, said hello to her mom and left.
I know that SM isn't your responsibility but, has anyone told her kids that she could kill someone if they don't intervene?
However my temper is not at it’s best because we’ve just woken up to find that someone ??? has dumped 16 elderly sheep in the paddock next to the house, and we have no idea where they came from or what to do with them. Where is the cliff top path when you need it?
Finally when it was possible recently, he went a few times but then lost interest. It is not easy since he is 92 and there is a big part of me that understands when there is no motivation for that at my age sometimes.
About stepups: I do them with my rather pricey trainer every week and follow up with 10 reps a day on each side. They are the BEST for helping with balance, mobility, knee strength and fall protection. I'll send your dad a list of my degrees if he'd like to claim that I'm doing them because I'm dumb. I'm 68.
Consider hiring him a trainer. He'll have to pay for it, which might make it more valuable to him.
Good luck!
FYI- A POA does not allow access to a bank account named in revocable trust, that is one of the reasons it took us so long to get everything sorted besides the condition of his house.
It took an extreme amount of time to find 2 doctors that would even give the necessary attest - in writing. It is not settled with all financial institutions, some were easier than others.
We are still waiting on DMV regarding his license, but time is on our side- then when the 45 days are over, it should be revoked. Not that will make a difference in his mind.
We have care givers in 24/7 since mid-Oct and now there is a team which are all accepted by my father. A couple needed switched out (heavy smokers/chatterboxes about their own troubles) but we have a very good ream now.
One of his favorites -he trusts enough to take him out for drives and visits to his favorite bagel shop or walks in the park (not to the bank) from time to time when he is agreeable. His neurologist put him on Sertraline (sp?) in early Dec. so it might hopefully be taking effect now.
The tantrums from the initial car removal in early Nov. seemed to quiet down by Thanksgiving. Stepmom carefully removed the car section from the papers everyday and got him back to PT.
Four days before xmas, she had a terrible accident (she also should not be driving but it is up to her children to manage that) and was hospitalized for 4 days.
It was our proof that the care givers were doing their job since Dad was ok and did not come off the rails when she/or any family was not there. Of course, he was worried about her but I managed call enough to keep him from visiting the hospital which he would not have been allowed in anyway.
One of my brothers went down to bring her home, take her car from impound to shop and get her settled and the additional care givers and wound care set up for her needs.
While her car was in the shop and the empty garage, seemed to have triggered the 'car desires' again and he made appointments to buy another car. It appears that none of the appointments materialized.
He stopped going to PT after her accident, saying it was insulting his intelligence to take a step up and down repeatedly and it did nothing anyway.
I try to keep focus on that it is best we can do to keep him safe and comfortable.
If he is bored and depressed, I can't really fix that can I?
I would probably look for a companion for dad. Someone that has experience with his diagnosis and is willing to be active with him. Maybe take him for drives, go to the driving range and make copies of statements before dad marks it up.
However, like Barb said, he needs medication to calm him down.
Best of luck, this is so very difficult.
Time to really address your father's behavior, it's not going to get better and your step Mom may suffer severe consequences as a result.
being away from the situation and giving advice is a very different world than the one your stepmother is in !!! You need to support her and calling in more people into the house
is not the answer. IMO your dad needs to be evaluated and placed in a good care home and stepmom can
visit everyday.
best of luck
His doctor can medicate his paranoia and anxiety. This is needed, because his behaviors are so out of line and bothersome to others, imagine how he is feeling to act and feel this way. He will not be able to be distracted or engaged in activities until he is medicated, imo.
Another approach is to get him tested immediately for a UTI. In the elderly,
UTI presents with behaviors instead of the usual fever, urgency and burning on urination. Or, he may not report these symptoms. I would take him to the E.R.
With these struggles, it will be important not to become angry or punitive towards your Dad for his behaviors and lack of cooperation. If there is ever any reason to call 911, do that so you can get him evaluated at the E.R., and medicated. The reasons can be an outburst in public, wandering, punching his doctor in the face, etc.
In fact, call his doctor a.s.a.p. and inform him of your Dad's behaviors and threats. The matter is much more urgent than hiring a care manager to provide direction and suggestions for activities at this time. He would not be able to concentrate. He could be a danger to himself or others-this is a medically urgent crisis.
Many have heard the example of a person with a broken leg, and telling them to get up and walk on it right away. It first needs to be set, casted, and elevated before walking on it. Your father's brain first needs a diagnosis and treatment before he can happily engage in purposeful activities.
Can you let us know what the doctor's say? An update is the kindest thing you could do, as many will be keeping you and your father in our thoughts and prayers.
P.S. BarbBrooklyn is correct:
"Dad needs a stay in a geriatric psych unit and meds to help with his delusions and paranoia."
So access this by getting him to the E.R.
There is no amount of cajoling and/or re-directing that is going to make much if a difference. Meds--and I'm not talking about "doping him up"-- will help at least a bit so that he might be manageable at home.
The real danger here is that stepmom will die from the stress of all this and then you WILL have a disaster on your collective hands.
Stepmom might benefit from watching Teepa Snow videos; she has a variety of techniques that work wonders.
My 2 very elderly aunts had a lovely agency hired companion for 6 years. Besides taking them places and running errands, she did light housekeeping, helped them with hygiene, food prep, some ironing, played cards, yakked about politics, etc. They LOVED her and she was worth every penny. We had to go through a few duds from the same agency before finding her. FYI the "best" people demand the best schedule. We had this companion 5 days a week, 4 hours every morning. But you may want someone in the afternoon if your dad is doing stuff like sundowning. We paid $22 p.hr to the agency. She was not qualified for anyone who would be a fall-risk or needed any higher level of help, like dispensing meds, wound care, etc. Last resort may be meds to address his agitation. Meds often work wonders once the correct ones are determined. Wishing you success!