Mom is Palliative lung cancer, still at home. I am her caregiver. My brother moved into Mom's basement apartment. Living rent-free. Was supposed to be in exchange for helping care for Mom, but the most he does is take out the garbage and occasionally order a pizza. I am there every day doing all the caring and all the giving (which will include giving him over half million $$$ when Mom passes from her estate.) Narcissist brother does nothing to help her... And spends most free evenings out with friends or on random internet dates while I'm cancelling plans and taking leave from work.
Any tips on how to get a son to give a F*CK about his Mother???
The resentment is becoming overwhelming. Thank you
I was the sibling left to deal with it all (except one brother handled POA stuff). 3 brothers out of state. When it got to be too much, I requested compensation to the tune of $20/hour from the POA brother. (My mother did not live with me, and I didn't do any personal care/hygiene assistance.) I even got back-pay for the 2 years of increasing demands before that. It made a big difference to me, as I could take myself out of the emotional part of it and consider it to be a job.
Maybe for now, concentrate on Mom's care & on your own self-care.
You can't change other people. Including your brother. But you CAN charge rent if you are the home owner. If Mom is, well, maybe let Grifter Bro be until later.
There have been a few folks here that had to get legal advice to move on a failure to launch sibling. Charging rent, serving eviction etc. Or even selling a home with a adult in the basement.
What do you want more? His rent money? Or help with Mom?
If help, don't bother with him. He clearly has no apptitude for it. Start researching care agencies & start the process of getting reliable, professional help. Letting go of wanting sibling help is freeing. (Mine is busy cooking cakes...)
Find the help you need.
Then kick him out.
Put Garbage out every Tuesday night = $50 mo
Make mom's dinner daily and wash dishes = $200 mo
Vacuum & dust once a week = $100 mo
Pickup moms meds from pharmacy = $50 mo
Cut grass once a week = $80 mo
Throw in a load of moms towels once a week = $20 mo
Now we are at the break even point of "he has earned his keep". He can move out and pay someone else $500 which is pretty cheap or he can act like an adult and do the bare minimum for living there.
Hope this helps. I feel best when I see neither of them but I call my mom twice daily and can tell from her voice if she has a bladder infection or becomes forgetful and needs iron. As long mom has agency if mind it is out of your hands. You can let her know how you feel as I finally did and she will cry but stuck up for the bad guy due to her guilt. Stop all contact with your brother if possible. It's sadly. Really their choice to be together and tolerate each other. You and I just make it easier for them...even though you know you love your mother so very much.
With that said you can take steps to protect yourself and become fairly compensated for your work.
See All Answers