My wife is paralyzed, confined to a wheelchair and sleeps on a hospital grade bed to prevent bedsores. I work 6 days a week and have an aide there while I am gone. They help her in the morning with bed bathing, dresssing etc and transfer to her electric wheelchair. If the day doesn't involve a doctor appt they will do light housework laundry etc. which she helps where she can. She was so active before the accident 7 years ago and I know she wants to do more and feels so helpless. It doesn't help that she deals with chronic nero pain which is common for SCI people and must lay down every 4-5 hours. The aide leaves an hour before I get off work and I usually call my wife to see how she is doing to see if I can make a quick trip for grogeries or some other needed errand. Many times I will get a text to hurry up while I am doing that because she needs to lay down or requires a BM or her bladder spasm caused her to soil her pants and she is sitting in pee. The level of stress I get is high as I try to hurry up with the shopping to get home. I get she feels horrible about this and I try very hard to put on a happy face when I get home. It can be very hard to treat the event like it's no big deal everytime but I try cause I don't want her feeling any more of burden than I know she already does. So I take care of my caregiver duty and lay her down after. I than try to find something quick and easy for my late lunch and sit down. I try to unwind and "refresh" but it's hard not to focus on the day and where my life at 49 is at and the future. There are not many options or family and she would need to be in a home without me which scares me to think about and doesn't help the anxiety and stress I already have. I don't know what type of feedback I am looking for if anyone has words and maybe this is just a "vent session" for me. I don't feel any different for typing it out and my outlook seems the same but I'll get through the day and we will see what tomorrow brings.
As for running errands, especially groceries, does your area have on-line groceries associated with the local grocery store with curb-side pickup or home delivery? If yes, would your wife be able to use a computer to do the grocery shopping?
I've always heard that exercises, even walking, is a good de-stresser but trying to carve out time to do it is another matter.
Reading between the lines, do you have a sex life, can your wife be intimate? How much of normal life are you expected to give up? What is her life expectancy? These would factor in my decision. I feel for you. This is a horrendous decision.
Do you have a minister or shrink that you could talk this out. You need an impartial friend to help you decide. Maybe their are other options not yet explored where you don't abandon her, but you have some kind of life.
My wife was involved in an auto accident which resulted in a SCI and paralyzed from mid-chest down. She also severed an artery which resulted in a TBI and areas that were left damaged there. Her short term memory is bad and she can have trouble getting her thoughts together when we have discussions some times. This makes it difficult for her to take on too much so I limit what I ask from her and can't trust the real important stuff with her. It also makes it hard for regular conversations because she doesn't seem to remember or care about things that may be going on with my life. It's not uncommon to discuss things that may be going on with me at work or a doctors follow-up I will be leaving work early for and she won't ask anything about either. Sometimes it seems like she just isn't interested but I tell myself it's because of the TBI and her dealing with her own problems. I've brought that up in the past hoping to get a heartfelt and sincere sign of her just forgetting but it just aint there. End result is we don't have too many meaningful talks except about her day, therapy, doctors etc.
Intimacy in any form is gone and the strongest feelings are just empathy and compassion. I feel more like someone who is just there helping her any way I can down this incredibly difficult road she must now travel. I would NEVER leave her or put her into a home. This goes beyond "better or worse" vows. She has had medical issues in the past where she had to stay in a nursing home for medical care and you don't even want to know the stories I could share. I know there are no easy answers and I just get up and move forward one day at a time telling myself that her day is sooo much worse than mine.
My suggestion is to check out other facilities, find one acceptable, then reconsider a move for your wife knowing that she will have round the clock care.