I, personally do not feel that having dementia/Alzheimer is an type of life for anyone. I am not selfish and would rather have them healthy and enjoy their late years then be suffering in this state. They don't know who they are, where they are, who you are and don't know what they are doing. I don't know why people say this.
My own parent has it. Though I'd rather see her healthy, I do try to explain what it's like to lose your parent and find an alternative you despise in its place. How they are a shell of what they are, even if they look the same to everyone. I've had people tell me "she seems okay" and my reply usually is, "then watch for a bit longer, because despite your desire to normalize her life, eventually she'll forget what month she is in, what time it is, and whether she's eaten and she'll ask you. Then you can tell me if that seems okay to you."
It's hard for people to understand the mechanics of it, it's like dropping a pebble in a lake. It strikes the victim (your parent), then the family, then friends, and then everyone else. It's hard for those on the outer layer of that splash to realize the impact, so while they may not have the right thing to say, they are trying to make sense of it, especially if the comment is coming from a friend struggling with the changes they are seeing from the parent.
My "new parent" says stuff she'd never had said to me if she was in her right mind. I'm sorry she's really gotten to the point of being abusive, and I'm steeling myself for it as well. I'm sorry and I truly stand by my fellow caregivers.
I remember grumbling about driving my parents all over hill and dale, when a co-worker said "your parents drove you when you were a child".... to which I replied "my parents weren't in their late 60's when I was a child, big difference".
Yes, it is great to have an elder who can live into very late years if their mind is still sharp. My Dad was still joking at 95 even tho he had sundowners.
I have found from my Dad's family tree there were quite a few who lived to their mid-80's and into their early 100's, which really surprised me as I didn't think people lived that long when born in the mid to late 1800's. Most were farmers, so they kept busy for as long as they could, and were eating organic.
After my Mom died, I was not in mourning. I was distressed by that. Then I realized, my Mom had been gone for years. I had already mourned her loss. I was just taking care of the body that was left behind. then, with Alzheimer's too.....I can totally understand how that situation makes it impossible to view caregiving as anything more than tending a long absent parent.
I also got those comments. These comments come from ignorant people, forgive them. Many people just cannot control themselves and just have to blurt out whatever ill informed opinion pops into their head...
To be honest, I don't hear that comment as often as I used to. I lost my mother to cancer so people tend to focus on that instead of the fact I'm caring for an 88 year old grandma with dementia. They always ask how I got to be caring for my grandma and I mention my mom who cared for her for years and how she passed away leaving grandma behind and since I had the other POA, she kind of fell into my lap and everyone focuses on the fact I lost my mom. Not sure it's a blessing or not.
I know its hard. I generally think people mean well, but really us caregivers don't want to hear it. After my father passed, I know people were trying be supportive or helpful but I just hated everything I heard. The worst one was "go take a vacation and you'll feel better." I tried not talk to that person anymore.
I just wanted to add my support and say I hear you.
What were we doing in 1900 to only live to 47 years old? By 1998 people were living to 77 years old. (source-u.demog.berkeley.edu/~andrew/1918/figure2.html)
Other sites say that many childhood diseases have been eliminated so we live to adulthood. We have cured many fatal diseases, so more adults are healthy, living longer. Advances in medicines have suppressed many diseases like high blood pressure. But to what end? To live so long that we wind up with a broken brain? How do we go backwards?
Ah, but the young folks whose parents are still skydiving and such. They make those stupid comments. I know they mean well but.....
Its my hope, as I'm fading away in some facility or other, that I'll see the kid whose parents were skydiving and now are pushing 100 in memory care. The kid, now 65, that has spent 10 years in elder care hell. And with my last gasp of cognition I can say, MY...YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO STILL HAVE YOUR PARENTS!
I'm overdue for a rant. You don't even want to know what my folks have put me through lately. Thanks Dawnone for starting this.
only G-d. She asks where is it legal to do it & she would want to go there. She always asks what’s wrong w her....