My husband will probably die from pancreatic cancer within a year. He's already survived for more than 3.5 years which is quite long for this cancer. Now it's recurred and his chances aren't so good. It's true we never know, but this time feels very different. My gut tells me he won't beat it this time.
He takes his anger out on me which makes me angry at him. This may make it easier for me to let him go, but it's wrong for him to be verbally abusive and I resent it. I deserve to be treated better than this. I don't want to abandon him in these last stages of sickness because I've decided to stick to my marriage vows long before now.
I guess I'll have to walk out of the room or wherever I am more often and leave him wherever he is when he gets abusive. It's just harder when he's not well. I'll need to carry taxi money just in case as I have for years. What a story he'll tell if I have to leave him somewhere public!
Sometimes I feel like I'm falling and there's nothing below to catch me. A very frightening feeling. That's the feeling of the unknown...for me the unknown is having my spouse of 42 years die. Coping with the changes, with life after the changes. There will be some good freedoms and some bad times of missing the good things. I'll lean heavily on the Lord and others. It's a very good thing I already have an excellent counselor. I'm going to need her. I'm going to need a lot of people in so many ways. How about you?
Now that your husband has reached the abusive stage, you need a short term and long term game plan for yourself. You need to squirrel away as much money for yourself as possible. If you don't have a separate checking account, then go to your bank and get one. If you get social security, then call up the SSA and divert your check into your new account. Add money to your account at every chance possible, even if it is $5 or $10. Also avoid any big expenditures if possible. Buy only what you truly need.
Does your husband have a current will? If so, find out it's provisions. Make sure your house is left to you along with funds to maintain it
Your taxi money is a wonderful strategy. But do you have safe place to go for an extended period if things became really bad with your husband? If not try to find one. Knowing you can escape to a safe place will help you cope.
You might to consult an attorney about a PoA or Power of Attorney in case your husband becomes unable to make decisions for himself. A POA is a powerful legal tool that allows the holder to pay bills and make other decisions. Most attorneys will give you a free hour long session.
Good luck and keep us posted. You definitely need someone who listens.
My God bless you in this very trying time of your life.
Bob
Hard to ignore hurtful,even abusive talk. At this time, however, it is his/her anger that is being focused on you. Try to step back and let it be.This is only a stage in the dying process. Hopefully,you can forgive the patient; and forgive yourself for being upset,angry etc. We all tend to take things so personally and hurt ourselves. We humans are a funny bunch, aren't we? !!!
See All Answers