Anyone else experience adult children who are resentful for the difficult relationship one has with their aging parent?

You say they pick up on the strain in the relationship - but have they actually SEEN the way that she treats you? When you say that the relationship is difficult- would you be able share with us some of the ways? Have you protected them from anything with her? The reasons I'm probing is this - for many years my MIL protected my husband and his sister, and by extension myself, my BIL and the grands - from who my FIL really was. My husband and his sister had blocked out and repressed A LOT of their childhood that they are just now beginning to remember and we didn't spend a lot of concentrated time with FIL without MIL around. As a result, a lot of the things that were really FIL we unfortunately put a lot of the 'blame' on MIL for many years. We were just really beginning to see that the behavior was FIL's when MIL passed away.

Once she passed and DH and his sister became caregivers for their dad - A LOT came to light. We now understand that HE was the problem all along. The grands will literally have NOTHING to do with their grandfather over the way he treats their parents because they see for themselves. My MIL unfortunately enabled his behavior for a number of reasons - the biggest of which was trying to protect the idea of a perfect family. But once we all knew him for what he actually was it was a lot easier for everyone to deal with the behaviors out in the open.

Have you ever tried to talk to your sons about your relationship with your mother now that they are adults? Do they have any idea of why the relationship is strained? Are you concerned that you can't share with them? You say you can't explain the situation and that is absolutely your business - but we have found that once our children were all adults it was important for them to know the truth about their dad and his sister's abusive upbringing to understand their past with their grandfather. There are a lot of uncomfortable family dynamics that have been discussed in the last few years that have been very important that if we hadn't talked about it would have been left to fester. This may not always be the case but it has brought my daughters closer to their dad to understand the odd dynamics of the relationship he has with his dad. Being a caregiver to his abusive father has put him in a very uncomfortable position and it helps them to understand why he is so unhappy sometimes.

You have to do what you need to do in your particular situation. But if they are picking up on the strain, it isn't fair to you to shoulder the entire burden as if you are the one that cause the situation. And also, you may not be giving them enough credit. My kids picked up a lot of things about my FIL before they ever knew the truth but continued to act normally about him for a long time because they weren't sure what they should do about the fact that they didn't want to be around him and that the didn't want to hurt their dad.

Even at the very least can you tell them that while they love their grandmother that that there are a lot of things that are different about THEIR relationship with her and your relationship with her that make THEIR relationship with her easier?

I know what you mean. I'm in a similar situation myself. My mother's grandkids (who are like my own children) see only a loving grandma who treats them so well. They were not here to see the abuse that I grew up in. They don't pick up on the subtle ways she instigates a fight with me or how she knows every button to press and every trigger to pull. They only saw their aunt's rage. This is what my mother always did to me since I was a little kid. Especially around a holiday. She would start days in advance instigating with me. Very subtle no adult would notice because there was no other adult in the home to notice. Then by the time the holiday or event was here the "brat" child would be in a towering rage and tantrum, while the poor martyr (my mother) would get the pity and attention she craved from everyone present. Except my aunt (may she R.I.P.) she was a good woman. She saw right through her and knew what was going on. She'd try to be extra nice to me because she knew.
I'll tell you one thing though. 'Nana' has probably been explaining the situation you cannot to your sons in her own words for a long time and I'm sure you can imagine what that must look and sound like. That's why they're treating you coldly because they believe her. My mother does the same thing. Ask your therapist some ways to approach your sons and explain your side to them. I try to tell the kids that they were not here and don't know what my life was before and that I have a lot of hard feelings and rightly so.

After a child grows up and emancipates, all past conflicts with his/her parents, should be left behind forever.

I may differ from other replies. I would simply tell the adult children that there is a long history of hurtful behavior that continues even today, things they don’t understand, and then I’d drop the subject, never again trying to explain. Despite it being sad for you, it’s not on you to make them get it or justify your feelings. It won’t work anyway, they’re in a place of only seeing what they see. Work on cultivating other, more positive relationships and don’t spend so much emotional energy on people who bring you grief

I agree, ask your therapist how you should handle this. Me, be honest. Tell them how it was growing up and living 24/7 with her. Yes, she can be nice for short periods of time. They never lived with her.

My MIL could be sweet as pie to people. She had a passive-aggressive personality. She also lied. But when she did not get her own way, she got nasty. My GF is also her niece and never saw this side. I told her, you weren't her DIL. One DIL was a neighbor and learned to handle her early on. I got along with her but always had my DH with me when I visited. The other DIL did not mince any words about how she hated her.

Never take your mother into ur home. When the time comes, place her. No child who has been abused in any way should care for a parent.

TChamp, spoken like a parent that isn't going to accept responsibility for their actions.

It is not usually what happened when we were growing up, it's that the crap has never stopped.

I am an adult, been on my own since I was 16 because of the abuse I suffered from my parents. That my mom thinks she can STILL be abusive is the problem. My dad didn't consider me until the day he died. Yet, I am the one that steps in and helps. The difference now, I tell them to stop or I disconnect.

Parents can do more damage to their children then anyone else, some think it's a God given right and it is not acceptable, period. Telling someone to get over the trauma is easier said then done and it's not helpful for someone that is doing their best to move forward.

A thought when I reread this. My MIL was passive-aggressive. I never told my DH some of the things she said about me nor did I put her down. I got along with the woman but she was never near and dear to my heart. I could never say I loved her. Never said anything in front of my daughters when they were young. She moved 2 days drive away when youngest was 4 and oldest 12. So no real relationship with them. But complained when youngest showed her no affection. I found when they both got older, they knew their grandmother very well.

Hopefully, your sons can spend enough time with her that she shows the other side.