During Covid 19 I don’t get to see my mother much. She has been in lockdown since March. We have just started outdoor visits this last month. When I don’t see mom my mind always goes to the worst and I feel obsessed with knowing how much time she has left. When I get to see her my anxiety will will subside for a couple of days and then I get a call from assisted living that she has had another fall and it starts all over. My mom has late stage dementia, is very frail, practically bed bound, sleeps all day and is now having hallucinations. Sometimes I think dying is the only way for her to have peace. I feel like I am in a constant state of grief. Any input would be helpful.
It is WE who go to all lengths to keep our loved ones alive, even after they're suffering reaches unbearable levels. It is WE who grieve the thought of them leaving us and forget the truth that their lives afterward will be far better than they are now. If you are a believer in God, then take solace in the fact that your mother will stop suffering once she does transition, and that she will be whole once again. Of course, your grief will be justified as nobody wants to say goodbye to a loved one.
I do believe you ARE grieving now for the mother you've already lost to the ravages of late stage dementia, which is a horrible affliction to witness and to suffer from. I recommend you read any of the wonderful books by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross you can find here:
https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHBD_enUS896US896&sxsrf=ALeKk00Bq9DHsyydw_98K2BGYiuFX5YTFQ%3A1596400632537&ei=-CMnX66qIInPtQbwu7TAAw&q=kubler+ross+books&oq=kubler+ross+&gs_lcp=CgZwc3ktYWIQARgEMgcIABCxAxBDMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAMgIIADICCAAyAggAOgQIIxAnOgUIABCxAzoICAAQsQMQgwE6BAgAEAo6CwguEMcBEKMCEJECOgoIABCxAxAKEJECOgsILhCxAxDHARCjAjoICC4QsQMQgwE6BQguELEDOgcILhBDEJMCOgcILhCxAxBDOgQILhBDOggILhDHARCvAToECAAQQzoCCC46CgguELEDEEMQkwJQqA1YuCpgwDxoAHAAeACAAdoBiAGIDpIBBjAuMTIuMZgBAKABAaoBB2d3cy13aXrAAQE&sclient=psy-ab
Pick one that interests you, as they're all good, informative and comforting.
Sending you a big hug & prayer for peace as you face this difficult phase in the journey of life.
I do feel in a very similar way. It's so difficult to even wrap my mind around the idea one day my mom won't be here. The only thing that makes me feel better is to know that I've done my very best for her, every day.
I don't know how, but find a way to be with her as much as you can. If this makes you feel better, do it, even if it means changing her place. With lots of empathy, you are not alone in this.
Does your mom have an advanced directive? Is she on hospice?
Knowing that death is coming, but not knowing when, often turns life on its head. Taking time from work, leaving family behind somewhere else, and many other practical issues, are all very hard to handle, and the grief that goes along with it makes everything worse. Doing it well takes a lot of self control.
Please care for and about both your mother, yourself and others who depend on you. Lots of love in a difficult time, Margaret
Have you thought about getting some therapy since you're feeling this so strongly?
This COVID situation is beyond your control so try your best to accept it and don't be too hard on yourself.
Grieving as your mom is in late stage dementia is perfectly normal. You're losing her bit by bit and it's a loss at all the stages.
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