Martz06 Asked February 2021
Anyone else get very upset with their loved one but then ask how can you get so upset if they have dementia and do not know any better?
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My father said he was outside in our wash with his grabber picking up pieces of garbage the wind blew over. I asked how did you get in the wash? Please don’t tell me you went down the slope?? Your ribs aren’t even healed yet from the major fall you’ve had. He said it’s ok I ordered a call button. He said he was trying to get the phone # to office max then an ad popped up for a call button so he called the # and is supposedly now going to pay a monthly fee. I said how do you know this was legit and not a scam? He said oh I asked the guy if it was a scam and he said no 😐
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Realistically i knew he wasn't doing it on purpose, but until I acknowledged that I was angry, nothing helped. I have a wonderful friend, who has gone thru more family sorrow that one person can have, who told me to say out loud, I am angry at what has happened and I acknowledge it's not his fault. Then every morning, ask for grace to have patience and compassion with him. And that helps. Sending you a huge hug because it's a hard journey.
I've never known anyone personally with Dementia, so it's all new to me as well. So we're both confused, frustrated, and scared at the same time. I have to constantly remind myself, if I'm going through this massive rollercoaster of emotions, what must it be like for her. At the very least, I can kind of put some thoughts together and get support/advice from forums like this. But she's a total prisoner to her mind and have nowhere really to turn. Thank you for your wonderful perspective and advice.
I think it’s part of the grief process. My intelligent mother was doing things that JUST DIDN’T MAKE ANY DANG SENSE.
It wasn’t until she moved from mild to moderate decline in her dementia when it finally changed a bit, and I wasn’t SO angry. I’m still angry a bit, though! I think that it’s normal, from reading here on this forum.
You can't help it.
You apologize, you forgive yourself (that is the important thing) and you tell yourself to do better next time and you move on.
If you find that there are more times you are angry, frustrated, upset than not then it is time to 1) get help in OR 2) consider placing your loved one in Memory Care.
Unlike with a child that will learn and mature a person with dementia will not learn, will not understand and will decline NOT mature.
There are things you can do to help yourself.
First you must realize you can not argue with someone that has dementia.
Their reality and logic is theirs not yours.
When you find yourself getting frustrated if it is safe leave the room, walk away, do something else.
Change the subject. Stop the focus on the "thing" that is causing a problem.
(this next one is going to sound strange but it can work)
Laugh. totally unexpected reaction will change the focus of what is going on. And if you think about it many of the things that cause frustration are silly things so laugh about it.
Obviously if safety is a problem you need to do what needs to be done to keep your loved one safe and you safe.
(by the way if the fee is a charge you might get this reversed contact your credit card company. If it is legit and you want to cancel you might be able to particularly if dad is not cognizant to enter a contract.)