To start with my mom isn't THAT old, she's 65. But she has COPD and is on oxygen. She moved in with us about three years ago. She was 99.9% independent at that time. I drove her to the doctor and sometimes got her groceries, but that was it. She couldn't afford to live alone financially anymore so we converted a room into a bedroom and moved her in. At first things seemed fine. I took on a lot of her chores like laundry, dishes, cooking. Anything I was already doing fory family in general. But she started spending more and more time in her room. She would only come out for to get food and take it back to her room or eat dinner with us. She never spent time with us and always was in her room. More than that she never would get out of her bed. She got sick a couple of times with COVID and flu and ended up on O2 tank. That's when she stopped coming out for food, showers or anything but going to the doctor. She still left to get a snack if she didn't want me to know about it. After her last hospital visit they told her she HAD to do pulmonary rehab. It was going to be a light program in our home with a nurse. Great! She refused. At that point she starts spends 24/7 in bed getting up only to go to the bathroom. I essentially become her nurse taking on everything for her that isn't turning on her tablet, dressing her or taking her to the bathroom. I'm her only contact to the outside world physically. She has a phone and tablet but only learned how to use basic functions to watch Netflix and Hulu. She is forced (remember on an O2 tank all the time and can't live without it) to quit smoking pot. And because she doesn't want to I become the monster who "took away her voice" But putting aside it's illegal here, expensive and definitely not good for her lungs she CAN'T BE OFF THE OXYGEN FOR EVEN A MOMENT. Her solution was to smoke it in my house with the tube "close by" she literally couldn't walk the distance it would need to be away and her room has extra O2 in it already! Like I HAVE KIDS. But nooooo I'm so mean and won't let her have it ... Anyway she pouted for months and refused to do rehab. Even though I told her if she managed to somehow get off the O2 she *could* smoke again. (I'm crazy I know, but I would have said just about anything to get her to go). Rehab was offered and refused three more times before she was referred to psych. The wheels of the medical system are slow and she SHOULD have started rehab 2 years ago! She SHOULD have been at least moving in that time. But she wouldn't even sit up in bed! She spent two years laying down sleeping all the time and now can't hardly actually leave her bed. She got weak and her last chance was to go to the psych and maybe save what she could at rehab. Yesterday she cancelled the appointment and now can't get it again till September. And is at risk of being dropped.
And I'm not saying this to shame a disabled person who genuinely can't get out of bed. If that were HER situation I would feel a lot different. But the doctors offered her a chance and she never took. They offered her three. She was told at a bare minimum to get up and walk. She never did. She constantly relied on me to do simple things. Argued and manipulated me into it because franky it's easier to give in. When pushed she proved she COULD do the hard things and she just didn't. Now
She won't do anything. She lies in bed all day sleeps, then complains she hurts everywhere, feels crazy because she never leaves her room and blames me for not enabling her to just get worse. I feel bad about how much I already let her get away with. She's worse off because I let her use me to never move. I knew I shouldn't but she argued to the point I gave up and gave in. My LAST HOPE was that psych visit. I didn't even cancel for her. Because I refused to call and cancel last minute she did it herself. (Which just goes to show she CAN do sh*t and just chooses not to, I would be proud if I wasn't so sad.)
Get your mother placed in a Skilled Nursing facility with Medicaid footing the bill now.
Reporting my comment for language in this post.
She obviously is suffering from depression on top of everything else and should now be moved out of your house and into a full-time care facility.
And yes, sadly you have enabled your mom and her bad behavior and are now living with the consequences of your choices and hers.
So now all you can do is move forward in getting her placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the care she requires and you can get on with living and enjoying your life.
Your mom has made her bed with her bad choices and now she gets to lie in it, so at least make sure that she's not lying in it at your home anymore.
Or for an older crowd, you can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink .
Your mother has chosen to “ live” this way . But you don’t have to put up with it in your home. Have mother placed in long term care in an SNF ( skilled nursing facility ) on Medicaid .
Your children need to live in a normal environment . They do not need to witness this dysfunction . Your kids come first .
To answer your question, there are others like your case . There is a younger gentleman that does come to my mind on this site who has given up his own life to take care of his mother around your Mom’s age who also basically stays in bed all day, refused therapy . Apparently she had survived cancer but seems to suffer mental illness . It’s sad but people sometimes give up or they want their family to do everything for them . Life is too hard for some. But their adult children should not enable them or let themselves be dragged down with them .
We cannot assess what level of self care and participation she can do.
That would be up to a good PT/OT (Occupational therapy that last, involved in ADLs or "activities of daily living) assessment.
This is what you should ask your mother's medical care team to arrange for you now.
I am afraid a lot of water is under the bridge. You say you took her in at age 65 when she was basically self caring. You admit immediately that you then did much of everything involved in her daily living FOR her. So essentially your caused your own woes here.
Once you take in someone and become the caregiver then that is what you are. You are no longer the daughter, granddaughter, son, wife, spouse or whatever. You are the caregiver. And you will be used. And you will be blamed for all restrictions and limitations. That's your job description.
You likely should attend some counseling yourself with a GOOD Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice. They are best at life transitions, bad habits we create ourselves, enabling and how to avoid it. As there is water under the bridge to this extent and this didn't happen overnight you can't expect changes over night. But you and mother can work together to make things better. If you cannot then you will have to request your home back for your own family as this isn't fair for them and they are your first prime imperative.
This is going to require counseling you should probably attend together. And it may require tough decisions for future life. I wish you the best. Rome wasn't built in a day.
I think you will find that we all will give you permission to just leave.
Just to add, please get your self a therapist, and also learn about codependency, you have been enabling your mom for years. You must be at the end of your rope.
Get this figured out, get your mom into a facility and take care of you and your family
Best of luck🙏 keep us posted,
Tell her she's going to a nursing home because this is how you're going to stop "enabling" her (which you are not doing). She is the one who refuses to help herself in any way. She is the one who refused rehab help. That's on her, not you.
I would have placed her when the refusal to shower started. She would have been out of my house. The meals and snacks in the bedroom would not have been allowed for one second with me. It's either come to the table or you go hungry.
It's your house and you make the rules. If one of your rules is that you do not allow weed or weed products in your home, then that is the law. Your mother doesn't like it she can go somewhere else.
Is a social worker involved? (hospital assign one?) It’s absurd that your children’s grandmother is in your house, on O2, smoking (explosive) and demanding an illegal drug. She needs physical and mental help that is beyond your scope.
Stop doing so much for her. Just stop. Be too busy with your children. Have an errand to run at that moment. Have a muscle spasm so you suddenly can’t lift anything. You must stop enabling her. Let her face the natural consequences of her choices.
My mother (much older, dementia) decided that she would never move a muscle again. She, now 99, is relearning skills such as feeding herself, in a care home. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I was losing my mind until I got her in care. My husband and kids are so relieved too.