Anyone else having a hard time with family and the election?

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Anyone else having a hard time with family and the election?

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I pretty much keep my politics to my self. I'm not one to want to fight about them. But I'm sick of being told how ashamed my mother is with me for MY choice. I'm in my 40's and I don't think I should have to answer to her about this....she let me have it on Saturday. Our relationship is not great to begin with and this is making it worse.....Can I tell her to back off? Every time I try to speak up for my self she get so mad.

Burnout Relationships

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I've been thinking about the schisms that have arisen over the past 4 years, as well as the methods for addressing them.    I'm nowhere near qualified to even evaluate all of them, but after reading the posts here, I think there might be another alternative to avoiding discussion.

Change the subject to identification of the problems facing the US, from immigrants w/o support, to climate change, to helping people in need (including elders), and ask your family for suggestions on what they would consider potential solutions.   They probably won't agree, especially on the first 2 categories mentioned, so find something easier and less likely to produce more disagreement, perhaps something like how to help those who are out of work, or methods of improving care for your elderly relatives.    Or creating Victory Gardens to help not only your families but those in need.

Just get them off the topic of politics, and see what they can come up with.   Some won't respond to this, others might, and possibly with enthusiasm since I'm sure that everyone is affected one way or another by the issues we're facing.

Some years ago a local Jewish woman created a discussion group for locals to discuss religion, learn more about each others' beliefs, and discuss how they could work together for the good of local people in need, religion notwithstanding.    This was significant b/c my area has several large Jewish and Muslim communities, sometimes with social gathering buildings right next to each other.    Thus far there hasn't been friction, to my knowledge, and I'd like to think that reach-out groups like this have helped make an impact.

Despite mountains of negativity, there are always some ways to find paths. I think of our political problems now though as akin to Mt. Everest, but some do overcome the immense challenges and summit it successfully.

I applaud her for taking this initiative, and steering contested issues away from the political arena and into a more positive venue.

Caveat: it's definitely not my intent to sound "preachy", or critical, or like a know-it-all, but as stated in the responses, there are definitely others ways of dealing with these challenges than the "head on" approach.

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Going forward if asked how you voted or what you think about politics, use my pat answer, I'm sorry I don't share that information. If they keep pressing for an answer (as a phone poler attempted to do) I answered with, I voted for none ya, they were confused at first, asked who none ya was, none ya business, I was conveniently hung up on. Not worth the fighting especially with family.

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Politics have become a source of almost comedic parody with our family. FIL is a far right Republican, his children and spouses are pretty moderate, and his grandchildren and his one sister are anywhere from moderate to far left Democrat. But it isn't really an issue for anyone BUT FIL. He has zero filter, and will start political conversations with anyone. He cornered the poor home health nurse one day, the PT another, called some poor friend in his contacts list the next. And he espouses beliefs that are pretty radical in his understanding of what the actual platforms are (read: he makes crap up). He and his sister haven't spoken since the election. We don't even mention how the grands across the board voted because we might put him in the hospital. A lot of this is due largely to his narcissism, he believes if he beats you to death with his beliefs that you have no choice but to change your mind. I'm not even sure he really knew what the platforms were this year, just voted straight ticket because that is what he has always done.
So we try to limit any political conversations because it never ends well. He brings it up, we shut it down. He made calls to ALL family members before the election and asked who each of us was voting for OR said "make sure you go vote for Trump". We all just ignored him and ignore him when he brings it up. There is zero point in arguing with him. He has no right to tell us who we should or shouldn't vote for, but he gets nasty with anyone who doesn't agree with him and it is just not worth the time or energy to listen to him. We've actually all walked out of the room in the middle of diatribes this year.

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Yep, as soon as the conversation heads that way - you say stop. The past 5 years have been nearly more than I can take. Those in my family who were border line 'say what you're thinking' became emboldened to the point of vile and nasty at times. These people who post things on social media about we can agree to disagree because we're adults are the very people who call out the other party as stupid, ignorant, etc. Nope, being a respectable, intelligent adult means you would not lump all people in one group simply because they didn't vote for your guy.
Your mom will never agree with your party affiliation. And it's possible you couldn't vote for hers. The ONLY way to deal with that situation is to say stop. And repeat as necessary until it really stops.

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Yes, you have the right to vote as you please. You do not have to defend your choice. Tell her that she has the right to her opinion and your have the right to yours. Then. change the subject to something you can both agree on.

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Every family has trouble because of politics now. Just refuse to talk about it and make everything else as normal as possible. It will be at least five years before we can digest what has happened to us in the last four years. In a 100 years, historians will still be writing about it and not in a good way. At least take comfort that we are all in the same boat and rational discourse about candidates is impossible. Rational discourse about some of the issues may be in certain circumstances as long as you keep the candidates out of the discussion.

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Can't believe I'm writing this, but my Mom and I don't argue about who we voted for. I'm just glad she was able to get out and go vote. No lines, we early voted.
We are a divided extended family though, that have always got along in this area.
So, not much excitement.
I'm glad people are being mostly civil. Waiting to exhale and all that.
Good luck with you Mom Mathisawesome, no ones needs extra stress these days.

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Good for you! Not fighting over politics!

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Our new go to response to others is that we voted for "some old white guy". But I will admit that here in MD we have a R gov who is full on Dem with his choices,, sort of confusing at times. He was all gung ho on getting out and voting,, then proudly announced he voted for Ronald Regan in this election. WTH??? We are supposed to vote, and he proudly threw his vote away? Now this I DO have a problem with.. No one needs to know who he voted for, but he offered it up. And no, I really don;t think he was kidding around...

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Love that response, “Some old white guy!” Cute, Pam

It isn’t anyone else’s business. Good for you! Creative answer.

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I'm dreading Thanksgiving (and no, we don't get to stay home). My BIL and much of my husband's family are staunch Trump supporters and drinkers of Konspiracy Kool-aid, so I was going to be screwed over no matter how the election went. It would either be insufferable gloating or what we've turned out to have -- endless cries of a stolen election and illogical theories of what Biden will do as president.

The thing that always kills me when these political topics come up is that they believe they're merely having a discussion.

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It bothers you because YOU don't agree, therefore it's not "merely a discussion" as far as you are concerned. What? Do you expect them to "discuss" the virtues of Biden as president? If you don't "get" to stay home, maybe you can you try to direct the conversation to something you can all agree on. What about the cuteness or accomplishments of the grand kids...or the last vacation trip they (or you) took.
There is more to life than politics.

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You are grown and your mom is grown. We have to make our own choices and decisions in our life.

You all are mom and daughter, which is so much MORE than politics or anything of this world. These are little things. (petty things)

Just don't argue with her.

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Most everyone pretty much knows who the people are in their lives that they cannot discuss politics with. So I feel, why give yourself or them a headache by pursuing a conversation with them?

We should respect other’s wishes if they are not interested in a discussion about politics. It will only lead to hard feelings and arguments. Not worth it. Speak to those that enjoy talking about politics if you like to chat about it.

The most important thing is to use your voice to vote. The first thing I say if someone complains to me about this or that is, ‘Did you vote?’ If they say, ‘No, I didn’t.’ Then I quickly say, ‘Then don’t complain.’

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In our family we are split on politics and religion. We finally had to have a nice, gentle conversation and just point out that none of us are going to change our minds about religion or politics - no matter how hard anyone works to convince us of their view.

We pointed out that we have a lot of other things to chat about and for the sake of our relationships these two areas need to be off limits (and that includes snide, sarcastic comments on the side as well ;) )

For the MOST PART it works, but not always. lol

For myself, when those topics come up, I put a nice smile on my face (or use my mask to hide a crappy look!!) and I do not respond or engage. If it continues, I change the subject very sharply, "Gee, the kids said they finished up their wedding registry today, Do you remember your favorite wedding gift mom?"

I have not had to leave the room yet, but that is also a technique that I will employ if needed.

Hugs to you, it's hard enough to disagree on politics, but right now it's so much worse because it is all so divisive, and then things that are not political are being turned political and then those topics get divisive as well *sigh*

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My husband and I agree politically, but we still can't talk politics without getting a little angry at each other. It's really strange because we otherwise find very few reasons to argue. So I read and stay current on issues and he reads and stays current on issues. I talk politics with my friends, he with his friends. We leave politics alone with each other, unless there are a really important issues that can't be held in. I guess politics is a really poisonous topic. You most certainly can tell your mother to back off.

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Partner and I agree politically, but he is a political junkie and I am not. I don't like to hear the "Daily Drama" nonsense. He likes to watch and repeat. So I just had to say "No". I am a bit the Devil's Advocate, and so I will argue a point. For instance, liberal that I am I like the new look for the Rose Garden, where partner thinks it is obscene that it was change. I go on about columns and classical architecture and he goes on about Jack and Jackie and Fruit Trees. There are lots of poisonous topics, and politics can be one even when you basically agree.
Saying the whole "Devil's Advocate" thing makes me remember a recent tic on Forum where it was claimed I am a practicing witch and said I was. Perhaps someone didn't know what a Devil's Advocate is and thought it is a Witch. Makes an odd sense. But it's a catholic thing, the DA. I love the concept. Reminds me of speech and debate where Mr. Tarpley let us pick our side and defend, but then made us take the OTHER side and defend IT. I loved that class and likely never got over it.

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My landlord canceled Thanksgiving because she got into a fight with her son over the election . lol

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Very sad, but kind of funny too! Please, politics is not worth fighting with family over.

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Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg had the best advice that can be used in all types of situations beside marriage:

" it helps to be a little deaf"

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ff, you’ll appreciate this.... low key wearing of lace - like collars or lace chokers, vests - on voters where I am. Even guys. Awesome!

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Mathisawesome,

One thing that jumped off the page for me was where you said in a response that you did not want to be your mother’s clone. Good for you!

I have two daughters that I raised to be independent thinkers. I don’t have any desire for my daughters to be a ‘clone’ of myself. I am so very proud of them for being themselves.

If I were your mom I would be super proud of you for forming your own thoughts and having your own ideas. It doesn’t matter what side of the isle you’re on. Everyone deserves to be respected.

All of us are entitled to our own opinions. None of us has to be preachy about politics or religion. It can be unnerving to be around people like that.

Some people choose not to discuss politics or religion and that’s their prerogative. We can voice our opinions privately with our vote.

When my daughters were young they always spoke openly to me. I made a point to listen to their views. They speak to me now as adults. I am interested in the way they see the world.

I am so sorry that you have had to restrict your relationship with your mother. Speak to others that you are comfortable with about political issues.

My sweet grandmother played early jazz music when I was a child. My grandfather had a love for classical music and loved to waltz.

Grandma made a point to teach me that during her lifetime they had to fight for the right to vote. Jazz was regarded as rebellious back then.

Grandma loved the ‘roaring twenties’ where women voted, bobbed their hair, shortened their hemlines, and listened to lively jazz! I so enjoyed learning about these things from my grandmother.

My mom wasn’t always understanding but I learned to break the cycle with my daughters.

My daughters have often thanked me for allowing them to voice their opinions. We listen to each other. We do have similar viewpoints on most things.

I have friends with opposing views. We are respectful of each other and find common ground in some areas. No one agrees on every topic. It is nice to live in harmony.

Take care. Wishing you all the best.

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First, I have never been political. In the 40 years I have been married, I really have never asked my DH who he is voting for, nor him me. I have a feeling he leans one way and I lean the other but its never been discussed. I also don't discuss it with anyone else or ask them who they are voting for. Really, its none of my business. I have never actually been asked but if I was, I probably would say I don't talk politics.

Years ago there was a couple on TV. They were Congressmen or one was a lobbyist, can't remember. But one was a Dem and the other a Reb. When asked how that worked being married they said when the walked in the door at home they never discussed politics. That worked for them.
So my answer, if you don't tell her then she doesn't know.

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Joking since I do not know, I told my gramdma and mom that my sister voted for the Don, now they are calling her not me. Diversion works, I blocked her calls.

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Refuse to participate, either leave or get off the phone each and every time the subject is raised. She’ll get it at some point. I hate talking politics, good way to make enemies out of friends

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You are absolutely correct!

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Well said, lealonnie.

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I had to block my DD permanently on social media, and I didn't even post anything political. She just loves to be 'morally superior' and ridiculing. She sent me a text after I blocked her and asked if I blocked her phone number too. I said no, just social media since you feel compelled to ridicule and lecture me. Love you, give the puppy a kiss.

DH was livid. He sent out a mass text this morning to all of our Morally Superior children and said THERE WILL BE NO POLITICS DISCUSSED IN THIS FAMILY. AND THERE WILL BE NO RESONSE TO THIS TEXT.

My mother, who lives to push my buttons, knows nothing at all about politics, just that she hates who she hates, based on nothing. She was positively giddy about the MSM's announcement the other day and told me "You have no other choice but to accept it" and then started laughing. I told her, mom, I have told you over and over and OVER AGAIN that I AM NOT going to discuss politics with you, and now I am hanging up the phone.

My son called and thought it would be a wise idea to tell me why the virus is still around, and why people are choosing to travel this holiday season. I told him, I WILL NOT DISCUSS POLITICS WITH YOU and he just went on, like I had said nothing. Which is when I ended the phone conversation with him.

Morally superior people feel like They Are Right and Everyone Else Is Wrong. There is no room for negotiation, no gray area, no nothing. And therefore, there is no talking to them.

So I'm fine with not speaking to any of these family members for a while. If they choose to respect me as a mother, daughter and human being in general, regardless of my political choices, then fine. Otherwise, they can kiss my arse.

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I totally agree with you!!

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I have tried the "lets not talk about certain things" with my mom,, Covid and politics on the top of the list. I live Covid at work,, and our house is politically divided but we get along. But she can't leave it be!.. So when I go to her area to spend time, if she is all into her news channel I just ,,, ignore it and read or leave the room when it gets too much. I was horrified that after the decision was announced,, she stood in the rec room and danced around like a 3 YO saying "my man won"!! My hubs would never have done something like this to her. And in reality most of my/her family was for the one who lost, as are most of our friends. Luckily they all know she is 90 and not quite always appropriate. It didn;t matter to me but I hate that her manners have gone downhill. at least now I only have to avoid the COVID news.. she refuses to believe the numbers coming out of my hospital

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If you can just say "I am not going to discuss this with anyone" and walk away.
Leave the house if you can, if you have to.
Anytime anyone brings up a topic that is a "Hot Button" issue stop it right away and do not partake in the "conversation"
And yes you can tell her to back off.
This is true for ANY issue that might be one of conflicting views IF the the other person is not going to be civil about the conversation.

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I’ve done this many times and she keeps going...

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I voted.
It was not easy.

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My brother gets into heated arguments if we do not agree with him. He will debate and debate until he made his point but I speak my mind and refuse to argue. I told him over and over tell him to have a nice visit and forget about politics for awhile. People have a right to their choice.

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I am in Canada, we just had a provincial election and other than one person, I have no idea how any of my friends and family voted. It is none of my business. I grew up in a very political family and we do still talk politics, but there is no getting upset if someone votes in a different manner to me.

When I was in university I had fantastic debates with classmates with differing political views. We had friendly debates, each stating our position without slagging the other person's beliefs. I wish more people could do this. Now having said that I will not engage in any way with people who promote racism, sexism and homophobia to name a few.

You have an enshrined right to vote for the candidate you believe will best serve you. If you mother feels some else is the best person for her, she has the right to vote for that person.

But keep in mind, you do not have to stand for her abuse. If she lays into you, walk away, hang up the phone, you do not have to listen to her. Of course you can tell her to back off. If she does not stop, then you leave.

Set some boundaries. Of course she will get mad, but that is her issue not yours. Just as we give a small child having a tantrum a time out, give her a time out. Each time she starts, walk away. But keep standing up for yourself.

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There no friendly debate with her. She says we can’t talk about religion or politics, it’s actually we can’t agree. Which is fine with me...not so much her. I would love to be able to have a regular conversation with her

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Alva, brilliant response!   Complimenting a mother while asserting self determination - I love it.

The grandson....well, hopefully he'll come around so he can be untied and get out to play in the snow, soon to come...or are you in a no snow state? (Sorry, I don't remember where you are.)

Mathisawesome, I think Biden is introducing and trying hard to inspire people to talk and communicate instead of lashing out.   That's a good first step, IF people listen.

Maybe redirect the conversation every time she raises the issue?   You do have a right to your own opinion; we all do.   Why do you think she's so angry that you have your own opinion?

Maybe you can just tell her frankly that it's not a subject for criticism, or discussion.    Personally, I wonder why she feels so strongly. Does it affect her care?

The issue now is working together and healing.  That is a hard hurdle and challenge for some though, just as it can be in families.

Another option is to engage Mom in depth on her beliefs, and especially why she feels that way, as well as how to work together for the betterment of family relations.   Some people I think might respond "harrumph!" or groan or deny the possibility.

But we don't now what's not possible until we tried it. When I was born, I would never have considered that space travel was possible.   Or that people would communicate with little devices that also could take photos.   We didn't even have tv!

Another option is to figure out why this is so important to her, and address those underlying issues.   Do you think she resents you b/c she's now dependent on you for care?

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No, she does not need care yet. I’m not qualified to care for her, we would be at each others throats. I can’t do that to her or me. She does not see this, i would have to be medicated. I’m a wreck be fore I visit with her. She just wants a clone of herself

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You shouldn't have told her who you voted for but since you did, you definitely have the right to tell her to back TF off.

I really wish people would stop "letting people have it" just because they are on another part of the political spectrum!!! If your political opinion is offensive to someone then you have to decide what is more important to you - your opinion or the other person.

I read an article in Harper's Bazaar back in 2017 called "If You are Married to a Trump Supporter, Divorce Them". When did it become okay to make a politician more important to you than your spouse, sibling, neighbor, friend, etc.?

Let's also remember that politicians are not angels. They are charismatic, ambitious individuals who seek power and influence. You do not know them, they are not coming to your house for dinner, they don't care about you specifically, they want your vote, and they have long-range plans and goals that don't include you! Remember the wise George Carlin: "It's a big club and you ain't in it!"

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Excellent insight. I certainly found out where their goals lie when I was politically active. I wouldn't have worked for free if I wasn't appreciated, but winning is the overall goal, as well as the opportunity to affect life for the better, on a more general as opposed to personal level.

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This made me laugh. I was raised by TWO midwestern STAUNCH Republicans. My Dad had been a Democrat in young years, but marriage to my Mom changed all that. I however, was a Liberal from birth, I do believe, albeit a middle type, not on the wings of anything. So you can imagine the discussions in the household (even IF civil, as they always were). My bro was a Liberal also. My Mom was quite adamant in her belief and to her there was no such thing as a "good Democrat".
Until, in her late 70s. Then she became a Dem for some reason or other, and could think of no good Republican, bless her heart.
What I would do with your Mom is kind of turn it on her in a good way. Tell her "Mom, you raised me right. You raised me strong, and you raised me independent and able to think for myself. I can't thank you enough ever for all you did for me. But now I am thinking for myself. You know, our country is about evenly divided here, Mom. And what is wonderful is that we ALL CAME OUT and voted this time".
The other way, just say "You know, Mom, next time I am gonna think harder before I vote."
Or you know, nothing. Just say nothing. You aren't responsible for defending the party. You did your vote.
You know, I have a grandson who is much more conservative than I am. We can argue it, but always with love and affection. And I intend to untie him in the basement soon as I am certain the election is all over.

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thank you

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Anyone else having a hard time with family and the election?

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