I have talked to a few of you and long story short my MIL has vascular dementia. I have 3 kids a wonderful hubby. We have a family business and it takes up a lot of husbands, brother in law and FIL time. 3-4 days a week (today being one of them) I'm home with MIL (live right next door) my oldest two are in school til 330 and have 18 month old with me at all times. Its only 11 am and I have already cleaned up yes, coffee, pee and poop out of the floor! I have cried and ready to run away. its very stressful when trying to keep the two separated ( son likes to play but MIL thinks he is trying to hurt/hit her) and when trying to clean her up which I have to do often my son cries because I leave the room for her to hear the instructions I'm giving. If its not quiet its more confusing. I'm stressed to the max. Hubby and FIL are at our business and BIL says he has stuff to do. Well so do I! My house is up side down, I have laundry, dishes, bathrooms All have been neglected this week because of crazy schedule. How much more can a body take. And I'm not sure how much more I can man up and take it. People tell me to tell THEM to help. Its hard when there running a business and BIL has "other" stuff to do. I'm the one in the middle. What's going to happen when I loose it and leave. I hate being that way but I don't know if I can take being ran over much longer. I feel used!
Since you cannot get help from the family, then it's time to have a family meeting and discuss hiring a part-time caregiver for one or two days a week so that you can have 'off' days to do your personal stuff. Yes, their business might be struggling, but so are you.
FYI, they ARE using you! You are the FREE babysitter. Therefore, insist on getting days off from caregiving. If they refuse, can you go on strike? So that they all learn what you go through? I'm sorry, but I've read this same scenario over and over on this site. You may want to try hopping around and see what others have done.
One poster finally got fed up after her husband refused to take her seriously. She packed up, took their young son and went back home to her relatives. Hubby got angry, gave her ultimatums, she refused. Then he started begging her to come back, the guilt trips. She refused. After a month without her, hubby, grown up daughter and SIL finally saw what she did for her husband's mother. Both hubby and SIL found an NH (nursing home) for their mother, and she moved back in with hubby.
Taking care of kids and taking care of your MIL isn't possible to do all at the same time. Someone is going to get the short end of the stick. Maybe your kids. Definitely you. You need to make a change.
This is a great place to vent and you'll always find support here but how many times can you vent about the same thing and continue to not make any changes to improve your situation? And I agree, you are being used. And taken advantage of. No one....NO ONE....should have an 18-month-old baby on one hip and a MIL with dementia on the other hip. You have to abandon one to care for the other and every day you have to make decisions on who comes first, your baby or your MIL.
And none of what I've written has included anything about how you are managing all of this. Can you really manage all of this? I don't think so. I don't think anyone could or should.
Where is your breaking point? At what point do you have to reach before you make a change?
Another option would be to find a geriatric care manager to conduct a needs based assessment and care necessary for MIL, again stressing it is not YOU! Many families will try to gulf a person into continuing care as happened in Book's caepse. But there are options to protect yourself from being accused of abandonment. If worse comes to worst, you should take her to an emergency room, tell them you will no longer be able to care for her due to your own mental/physical health and leave her there for the professionals to determine proper placement.
You are in the middle of this, gracefully step out and tell his family you will not allow yourself to be taken advantage of any more. If receiving payment for caring for MIL would make a difference, I have a hunch it won't, research cost of home care in your area. Not only have you given up the fun and memories of raising a family for this stress, but also payment for your services. Home care is not cheap by any means, in the area of $20.00/hour most places.
It is up to you to do something. You will not be accused of abuse if you carefully plan your exit and involve the appropriate professionals. Until that happens, get respite. Are your folks in the area? I am sure they would love to have you visit for a week or two. Or get in touch with an old friend. Just get out of there for awhile at the very least. Nothing like wearing the shoe on the other foot to make people realize.
Kristi, you need to develop some chutzpah and learn that it is impossible to care for anyone unless you are caring for yourself.
It's a matter of education. They don't understand how much pressure you're under, not because they don't care but because they are clueless. Have fun planning a little lesson for them :)
Plus it sounds like the children [aren't they 8, 5, and 18 months?] are afraid of their grandmother because of her condition.... that's not a good home life for them if they can't act like normal children because grandma might get upset.
As you probably already know, this is going to get worse not better unless something is done for your husband's mother.... isn't it time for her to consider being placed in an assistant/nursing home where she can get professional care... where the staff works in shifts and not have to decide at the last second whether to tend to an 18 month old or an elder patient if both are tugging at your skirt.
If it was me, I would go on semi-strike... dinner wouldn't be on the table [kids can eat cereal for awhile]... laundry wouldn't get done, thus no clean clothes for hubby to wear to work... toys all over the house... leave the poop on the floor as long as the toddler doesn't get into it.... "sorry, dear, your Mom took up my whole day, I am exhausted, I'm going to bed early, here some soap/water please clean the bathroom, and help the kids with their homework, thanks, sweetie."
Of course FIL says he needs no help; he's got YOU! Until you say "No, I will not sacrifice my child's future on the altar of Grandma's dementia", that will be the equation. Only YOU can stand up for yourself and your child.
actually, from what you described, she needs to be in Assisted Living/Group Home or nursing home.
check it out; for your sake, for your baby and everyone.
going away with your children over a school holiday, no forwarding address or phone... do not answer...
that might work.
you cannot give her the care she needs, and maybe FIL and MIL can live in assisted living together with a caregiver.
please, STOP what you are doing. it will kill you and then your sweet children will not have a mother...
they need their mother.
this is your husband's family and decision to make. they must take the responsibility.
not you.
your responsibility is to take care of your health and your children!
when you are not there, they will have to decide.
you did more than you can do... it is time to stop enabling them to postpone the decision they must make.
Sonny boy and mama's husband won't do anything as long as you are cleaning up mom's poop. Next time leave it for them to do. Pack up baby and spend your day at the park and enjoying yourself. One day of cleaning up mom's poop and slobber and they'll figure out what to do. It's amazing the way some people abdicate THEIR responsibilities and dump them on everyone else. I told my husband gather all momma's paperwork (5 years bank statements, death certificate of dead spouse, birth certificate, marriage license, medical insurance, income records), took of a day of work, went to social security administration and welfare. Filled out the application for Medicaid (get her assets down to under 3000), slapped her butt into a nursing home. She's not your mother.You are a mother whose priority is your children. Everyone has a job and everyone has responsibility. Hubby and dad need to take some time off and get a taste. Takes turns. Mom will be in a nursing home in no time flat. Don't go for it anymore. You are a kind person to try so much. But you are being taken advantage of and you and your children are suffering. It's amazing how it's always the DIL taking care of mom and dad while sonny boy hides at work. BS I say pure BS. Caregivers rise up band go on strike. Do not take it anymore!!!
did it for my husband for a long time.
could not walk around the house without looking out for poop and urine.
it was awful. that coupled with dementia, parkinsons, and other things,
finally, I had to place him in assisted living.
after years of care, I cannot do it anymore.
I could never leave him alone at all - always had to have a caregiver with him.
it is not nice needing to plan every time I wanted to go out.
and, lots of times, caregiver did not show... many caregivers, not just one.
and, never could get one for Sundays so I could go to church.
caregivers often DIE, taking care of sick one.
Take care of your children.
she is her family's responsibility...
I don't give a hoot that my in-laws are "family". They are, thankfully, healthy. But if they weren't, I would NEVER make it my 24/7 job to change their diaper, feed them, or argue with them about their distorted version of reality. Especially at the expense of my relationship with my own family. I guess your husband's family thinks, "She's already at home with the baby. She can keep an eye on Mom."
You need to put your foot down. No, really. You're not doing your own kids any favours by being so worn down by the MIL. Because the other people in your family behave like ostriches with their head in the sand (yes, your husband is included in this tirade), you'll probably have to look into a couple of options for them: at home care, adult day care or, better yet, a retirement/nursing home. Then, after you've given your husband (and/or the rest of his family) these options, drop the mic. Boom! Out! Seriously. Tell them you've had ENOUGH, and you can't do it for one minute more. The ball will be in their court. Do it.
Grannynanny!
They have you mistaken for a skilled nurse, housekeeper, personal attendant, medication nurse, activity coordinator, kitchen prep, meal delivery, and housekeeping. These are all full time jobs people get paid for at the NH. And they get to go home at the end of their shift! Where is your relief?
Hubs & FIL don't know what to do or where to start. I'm cynical, so I wouldn't count on them for support, help, guidance, or anything else that will help you out. If they could, they would be doing that already.
YOU have to call in the troops, step out of the way, and stop assigning yourself to these tasks. Oh there's nobody to do it but you? Yes there is. You have to call them. The doctor can write orders for in-home care. The doctor can have a strong talk with dad & hubs that mom needs 24/7 supervision and it can't be you. Call mom's doctor and request a phone call with him/her where you can explain your crisis. Use the word CRISIS.
Call the county agency on aging and say that you are in crisis - this is a real crisis by the way - and say that you can no longer provide care due to exhaustion and your own young children. You need a social worker STAT. Don't talk yourself out of it. Don't talk it down or diminish it. As women we naturally want to look brave, suck it up, and handle everything. Stop doing that or you won't get help.
With dementia, look ahead and plan the next step beyond in-home care. At some point that won't be the right answer any more, and you don't want to wait until the next crisis to start figuring it out. This means touring facilities. FIL & Hubs need to figure out the financials or make you power of attorney to do it. I would refuse to though. This is where they can actually help out - with the money and paperwork.
So many people come here and want change and help but won't get out of the way so it can happen. Things may have to get worse for your MIL before they get better, so STOP running in to rescue. If she stinks, FIL needs to figure out how to get a personal attendant in there to do bathing and hygiene tasks.