I have talked to a few of you and long story short my MIL has vascular dementia. I have 3 kids a wonderful hubby. We have a family business and it takes up a lot of husbands, brother in law and FIL time. 3-4 days a week (today being one of them) I'm home with MIL (live right next door) my oldest two are in school til 330 and have 18 month old with me at all times. Its only 11 am and I have already cleaned up yes, coffee, pee and poop out of the floor! I have cried and ready to run away. its very stressful when trying to keep the two separated ( son likes to play but MIL thinks he is trying to hurt/hit her) and when trying to clean her up which I have to do often my son cries because I leave the room for her to hear the instructions I'm giving. If its not quiet its more confusing. I'm stressed to the max. Hubby and FIL are at our business and BIL says he has stuff to do. Well so do I! My house is up side down, I have laundry, dishes, bathrooms All have been neglected this week because of crazy schedule. How much more can a body take. And I'm not sure how much more I can man up and take it. People tell me to tell THEM to help. Its hard when there running a business and BIL has "other" stuff to do. I'm the one in the middle. What's going to happen when I loose it and leave. I hate being that way but I don't know if I can take being ran over much longer. I feel used!
I only hope it becomes legal and commonplace, and that I don't chicken out.
Ah ha moment... who will be caring for father-in-law when it is his turn to need help? You and your husband need to start that discussion. Wonder where brother-in-law will be in that scenario?
Do you really blame BIL and girfriend for trying to avoid getting sucked in along with you? This has nothing to do with leaving your hubby, but both of you realizing together that it is NUTS.
I moved my dad in with me over a year ago. I still work full time, and have daytime in home care M-F while I'm at work. I take over in the evenings, and most weekends (although have some afternoon help most Saturdays).
The two best pieces of advice that I got when I started...
1 - start out with more help than you need. You can always scale back but it's really hard for people to know when and how to get more help
2 - get advice and help from professionals, not just family. My caregiver has training in dementia and has been able to guide and train us in turn.... some things you can figure out on your own but it really helps to have someone who has seen this, done that.
3 - it will get worse, not better. Be prepared for that and know when to say when.... when you need full time care, when you need to move to a facility, etc.
My siblings and I have talked ahead of time about what it will mean when that time comes so it's as difficult when it happens.
Good luck!
None of the the men will do anything because they got it great. FIL gets to runaway from the gross (poop cleaning) caregiving of his wife by using the excuse of having to work.. They got it really good. Sigh.... They need a wake up call that only you can deliver.
This so much sounds like my parents, they don't even trust the mailman so they have their mail delivered to a post office box.... hmmm, wonder who puts the mail in that post office if not a mailman???
So the principle is established: to care for his wife, FIL requires help. The next question is, where is that help to come from? The current situation is that it all comes from you. That is not acceptable; that is what you need to change; and it is indeed up to you to identify alternative resources and get them tapped into.
Although, actually, it isn't your responsibility to do that - it's your husband's and his brother's - but it is in your best interests. Research local options, get them round the kitchen table, formally hand the problem over to them and wash your hands of it. It's one thing to take your fair share, another to be taken for granted as the family's bottle washer, granny minder and general factotum. Enough's enough.
They have you mistaken for a skilled nurse, housekeeper, personal attendant, medication nurse, activity coordinator, kitchen prep, meal delivery, and housekeeping. These are all full time jobs people get paid for at the NH. And they get to go home at the end of their shift! Where is your relief?
Hubs & FIL don't know what to do or where to start. I'm cynical, so I wouldn't count on them for support, help, guidance, or anything else that will help you out. If they could, they would be doing that already.
YOU have to call in the troops, step out of the way, and stop assigning yourself to these tasks. Oh there's nobody to do it but you? Yes there is. You have to call them. The doctor can write orders for in-home care. The doctor can have a strong talk with dad & hubs that mom needs 24/7 supervision and it can't be you. Call mom's doctor and request a phone call with him/her where you can explain your crisis. Use the word CRISIS.
Call the county agency on aging and say that you are in crisis - this is a real crisis by the way - and say that you can no longer provide care due to exhaustion and your own young children. You need a social worker STAT. Don't talk yourself out of it. Don't talk it down or diminish it. As women we naturally want to look brave, suck it up, and handle everything. Stop doing that or you won't get help.
With dementia, look ahead and plan the next step beyond in-home care. At some point that won't be the right answer any more, and you don't want to wait until the next crisis to start figuring it out. This means touring facilities. FIL & Hubs need to figure out the financials or make you power of attorney to do it. I would refuse to though. This is where they can actually help out - with the money and paperwork.
So many people come here and want change and help but won't get out of the way so it can happen. Things may have to get worse for your MIL before they get better, so STOP running in to rescue. If she stinks, FIL needs to figure out how to get a personal attendant in there to do bathing and hygiene tasks.
Grannynanny!
I don't give a hoot that my in-laws are "family". They are, thankfully, healthy. But if they weren't, I would NEVER make it my 24/7 job to change their diaper, feed them, or argue with them about their distorted version of reality. Especially at the expense of my relationship with my own family. I guess your husband's family thinks, "She's already at home with the baby. She can keep an eye on Mom."
You need to put your foot down. No, really. You're not doing your own kids any favours by being so worn down by the MIL. Because the other people in your family behave like ostriches with their head in the sand (yes, your husband is included in this tirade), you'll probably have to look into a couple of options for them: at home care, adult day care or, better yet, a retirement/nursing home. Then, after you've given your husband (and/or the rest of his family) these options, drop the mic. Boom! Out! Seriously. Tell them you've had ENOUGH, and you can't do it for one minute more. The ball will be in their court. Do it.