I was planning on buying a house near my father who is now in assisted living. But because my career took a downturn, hopefully temporary, I have put buying a house off. This was very hurtful to me for a week or two but that's life and it's not the end of the world.
So today while I was visiting my father I got a business call and went into the other room. I have known the person who called for a long time and they told me something very funny I was laughing a bit. Then I hung up and went into the living room and my father says "I heard you laughing. That's great. I guess now you can now buy the house.” I so "You know, that fact that I put it off was hurtful to me. I hope in the nearer future I will." and left it at that.
The rest of the day I felt totally demoralized. This is not the first time my father has done this. It's like I cannot have any enjoyment unless I buy the house. It's like my financial status must allow me my enjoyment in all areas of my life. No enjoyment until I buy the damn house. Has anyone else experienced something like this? I love my father and it's certainly not always like this but today I was feeling good and shouldn't have to put down.
What's just the facts version?
You laughed. Dad said something. You said something back.
Your feelings of hurt appear to be attached to what you *think* Dad meant.. in other words, your own thoughts hurt you.
You sound in rare good form, Lisa.
But I find myself speechless.
Rare, that.
Yes, but for someone you love make it clear to you that you should not have any enjoyment unitless you meet certain financial levels is not subjective.
You ignore such BS . You are an adult . If you feel like this I don’t understand why you would want to live closer to him or your brother .
My mother looked for reasons to feel that people were "insulting" her and "putting her down". All the time. So she found them. All the time. When in reality, nobody was insulting her or putting her down. Try looking for the GOOD in life and in others for ONE WEEK. Cast aside your negativity and paranoia, and assume everyone is on your side and wants the best for you. It may change your life.
You should know by now that many of us have been put down , criticized , hurt , gas lighted, manipulated, demoralized and/or whatever things you think up in the future to “ simply ask “ “ Has anyone experienced this?”.
There are millions of people saying stupid things everyday . We have all experienced this . What your father said may have been stupid but not the worst thing I’ve ever heard . Your father and brother will not change . Grow a thicker skin . Don’t move near them either . Distance is a good thing .
Still looking for the nice father she didn’t have. One of her replies says that her Dad wants her to buy the house even more than she does.
From reading between the lines here of what you wrote, it seems to me that you are highly sensitive to what people say or think of you and you negatively interpret people’s reactions when in reality their belief in you is the opposite of your assumption.
It's kind of like someone telling you "If you can't buy a house yet you have no right to be doing anything other than doing what it takes to make that happen. No laughing, no socializing, no fun until you get the house.".
Oh?
No, not yet about the house.
I was laughing at something that's all.
Next time Dad assumes something incorrectly, you politely correct him.
It takes practice to hear people. To hear the words they say, hear the tone, see the body language.
Practice to slow down any emotional response. Focus on what was actually said - rather than what the mind races to conjur up.
This is exactly the sort of thing a therapist can help you with!!
We don't know you. All you get here is a lot of speculation, lots of it snarky.
A therapist will get to know you and help you navigate away from the pitfalls that become habitual.
Please get help from a therapist to learn to stop being so sensative to the stupid and sometimes hurtful things said to you by your family.
They are bullies , but you continue to react so emotionally to every little thing , it makes you a target for more bullying . You need to learn to realize that some of it is just plain ridiculous and is done to get a rise out of you .
You need to shake your head at the ridiculous things that are not worth getting upset over and keep your distance. You can not change them . You can change and not react so much for your own peace . I can not fathom why you would live closer to this . I assume a therapist would advise against moving closer and to limit your visits.
When I moved back in with her for a while, this was like misery-palooza for her. I didn't think I could be brought any lower than I was but I was mistaken. I was nearly driven to an act of desperation.
I worked for many seniors over 25 years in homecare and there is a certain kind of negative snideness that many seniors have. I don't even think they are aware of it. It's kind of like a special resentment reserved for people who aren't old. Especially their adult children because they know all the buttons to press because they're usually the people who installed them in us.
Your father got his innocent little dig in and it upset you. If you were to call him on it I'm sure his first words would be, 'What did I do?'
So you're not alone. I'm so sure everyone here knows exactly what you're talking about because anyone who's had old people in their life has experienced this.
Protect yourself by only having a superficial relationship with him now. The weather, food, things he likes, or find something the two of you can mutually complain about. This is the kind of relationship I've always had to have with my mother and any time I tried for something ore meaningful I got hurt.
Pease take BarbBrooklyn's advice and see a therapist. I did and it really helped me.
Accessible, affordable online therapists.
Like you, I've had a lifetime of this kind of nonsense and conditioning and now I am so jaded to it that I can completely ignore her. I don't actually see her very often maybe for an hour or so every other week. If she starts up with the instigating and snideness the visit is abruptly ended and I leave. Same with phone calls.
I put my own mental health first.
IMO, you should've never given up your very good job. You should have allowed your brother to place Dad in a AL when he wanted to, Then you just come for visits. If your Dad gives you the impression that you have not done well, then remind him that the only reason his son has is because he married money and the reason Dad is in an AL and not a NH. You on the other hand are a woman who has not relied on anyone else. You had a good job helping him on the side. You gave up that good job because he asked you to come live with him. Its not easy for an older woman to get a good job.
You seemed to have done well in ur life. Give yourself credit. What your Dad thinks of you and brother means nothing. I really think you need to get away from this negativity. You need a life beyond Dad and Brother. You know they tell recovering drug addicts to stay away from those who still do drugs. You need to stay away from people who bring you down. You know people put others down to make themselves feel better. They are really unsure about themselves so they pick on someone else. And you seem to have the personality that draws these type of people. You are too sensitive. Maybe, too giving. I may have asked Dad "what does my laughing have to do with buying a house". My daughter found out that when someone asks something off the wall, to ask a question "why do u ask, why do u care"
Maybe the artist Pablo Picasso was right when he said "I have joined a family, and like all families, it's full of sh*t.".
Lisa, I think you are just too all over the place. You were about to take the plunge and buy a house in a location you hate just do your dad could be proud of you. Now you are doing a complete 180 and are saying you won't buy a house near your dad.
What if your job had been stable and you had put in an offer on a house and it was accepted. You would be stuck living in a location you hate or else have to lose a lot of money just to sell the property so you could move away.
These poor and irrational choices you are considering are not being carefully thought out. If your dad doesn't think you are good enough because you don't own a house that's his problem. Not everyone wants to be a home owner.
Once you buy a house you lose the flexibility that you need right now because the only thing keeping you in your current community is your dad.
Unfortunately I don't think you will be able to get on with your life until your dad dies. You are stuck in a holding pattern living your life for your dad rather than yourself. It's unfortunate because dad is not supportive of you and when you are around him and your brother you feel less than.
Fine. My nephews bad character made it better for me as he and his girlfriend came in late and with alcohol on their breath so my brother and sister in law had something else to focus on. No major insults; just a little belittling as I was leaving. Not looking forward to Christmas. Rather not looking to it here. Italy sounds wonderful during Christmas.
Take yourself to some resort, get a massage by a guy named Sven and a facial from Heidi.
Merry Christmas Lisa .
The answer is yes.
So what? Can we all move on now?
The OP doesn’t want solutions, she wants to circle the drain on her feelings. It’s not even a caregiving issue, and is taking up space on this forum.
She’s a full-grown adult. If telling her solutions would have worked, it would have worked several posts ago. She’s not interested in a solution.
Thanks for the good laugh. I am finished with cold and snow! The healthy Mediterranean would be my first choice.
There will always be disappointments in life. Everyone has them.
There are many wonderful surprises in our lives too!
I truly feel that if you took the time and made the effort to commit an hour a week with a qualified therapist it would do you a world of good.
For me, it was every Wednesday at 11:00. That was my schedule for six months straight.
The best part about therapy is figuring out what truly matters to you, what works and doesn’t work.
Can people do this on their own? Sure, sometimes it is possible if a person isn’t caught in a loop. I can testify that it is a relief to have a place to go and discuss certain things.
A good therapist will keep you focused on what is important. They are there to help guide you in a healthy direction.
Look within yourself for validation. You don’t have to look elsewhere. Others are not living your life.
Once you discover how to find validation from within, their opinions won’t matter anymore. Your angst will be lifted and you will find peace and joy.
I wish you well, Lisa.