Mother is 84. Owns two homes. I have been hesitant to move her into my house. I have lived the last 10+ years dealing with the behaviors associated with depression , dementia, and bipolar disease. Accusations, theft, medication abuse, manipulation make it difficult for me to enjoy my time with my mother. I have so much guilt because she lives alone and is lonely but she uses her loneliness and depression every day. I am 52 and work full time. My husband is a dear to her and helps her unconditionally 24/7 all the while she bad mouths him behind his back. She wants us to sell our homes and buy one that has mother in law room or where we all can live together. I just can’t see my husband or I being happy. My sister lives on the east coast and offers no help. Has only visited 2 or 3 times in 25 years. She is a vulture and is waiting for inheritance.
Prior to last Oct I lived long distance to my mom. When her health got worse and she began to isolate and talk about moving "to my area" I helped her purchase a condo right next to my condo. My thinking at the time was that I really didn't want her that close, but it was way better than having her invade my space.
Fast forward- I now know she has dementia and even having her next door is exhausting. I see her daily and my situation is similar to yours in that my mom is very needy and negative and it's draining just to be around her, so you have my empathy.
I'm impressed with all the people here who managed to get their older parent into a care home of some sort. In my family that has always been seen as a drastic last resort. My mom would lose her shit if I even mentioned selling her condo and moving to a care home.
So I'm kind of stuck in this situation. But it's do-able, for now. Maybe something similar would work for you? There are some upsides. It really occupied my mom fixing her place up. She needed a lot of help, but it definitely kept her busy, and still does really. I can spend time with her but when I've had my fill I can leave and go home and get some privacy. The very close proximity allows me to keep a very watchful eye without being completely invaded.
Then you get to deal with a magnitude of phone calls because they send out your information to tons of facilities that now want to sell you a facility that your loved one can't afford.
I wouldn't recommend moving your mom in with you. I would talk to A Place for Mom, your Area Agency on Aging, possibly a geriatric care manager, etc and see what placement options are available for a direct move if possible. The less transition there has to be, the better it will be on you both.
Since mom is ready to go, go fast and don't be surprised if she changes her mind. Spend that inheritance on mom's care.
Also, time to get all of mom's documents in order if they are not already.
That stopped when I explained that my mom had no assets to spend.
APFM is great if your parents have lots of money for LTC. Otherwise not so much if your parent has no funds.
Do yourself a favor don't have mom live with you and don't call "A place for mom." They are not what they appear to be!
And that is irrespective of if the facility is about to lose Medicare or Medicaid funding. Take heed and beware. What I mean by that, is they may recommend some awful place which Medicare and Medicaid have said, too many infractions, outcomes not good.
Search the forum. There are news articles linked.
Besides, you get harassed with phone calls from all the facilities, it seems never ending. They still call me! I don’t answer anymore. There is no such thing as a free service.
That said.....please keep your sanity and your boundaries. I wish my parents would be open to the suggestion. As we are well aware, things do not get better as they age, and to keep them at home is difficult. AL is for piece of mind and for your own well being. Best of luck.
If you don't want the life of a full time caretaker for you or your husband, don't move her in with you and don't let her make you feel guilty about it. It's that simple. If she moves in with you, she will continue to bad mouth your husband, make accusations, and generally make your life a living hell. As long as her needs are met and you can visit and be her daughter, rather than her caretaker, a memory care or assisted living is your best option.
I found them scuzzy.
Your separate living arrangments with your mom is your only buffer. She has her house, you have yours. If your mom moves in with you and your husband that buffer is gone and all of the behaviors you listed will become part of your everyday life. Don't do it.