My father went into assisted living in February and it's been great for him. He has 24 hour good care and lots of activities all day. However, I now feel very alone and vulnerable like never before. I moved here last year to be near my father and brother. My relationship with my brother collapsed for good over the last year. He and his family are mentally abusive towards me in numerous ways. Like for example, they'll be nice but then all of a sudden turn on me and make it clear that they have that "unique" ability to do that and that I can't do that. You know what I mean?
I know no one here and I have no idea what I will do if I it gets any worse for me. Before I used to go over to my fathers and stay for the weekend. Sometimes for longer. Now I can't do that. I contacted an old friend who lives far away recently but they, as I knew, are in very bad health and have major family issues, although they do have loving support. I have none whatsoever now, other than my father who can understand but can't do anything if I need some kind of care. It probably will work out for me in time - I have been successful in my life in many respects, but the last year has been a major disaster by any standard. It's almost like the environment here is pushing me into destruction! Does or has anyone else feel this way? How do you or did you successfully deal with it?
Lisatrevor, it's hard to take you seriously: because, it does seem like many times in past posts, you pulled our legs about various things.
I have lived in this region before so I am sure of how I feel. But now it's so difficult to leave my father! I may just leave or not. I'm really stuck in a bad position right now. I will seek out professional help next week. Thank you to everyone who replied, helpful or not (I am open to criticism).
I wish you the very best,
Its a tough situation to be in.
I have a friend who is in her mid 70s. She is divorced and completely estranged from her son and on very strained terms with her daughter.
She recently lost her mom (she was 101!) and realized that she needed to go into therapy to learn how to better roll with/deal with/weather these issues and not be overwhelmed by them.
I think therapy could be a useful tool for you.
US citizens can stay legally i the UK without a visa for up to 6 months. This includes for tourism purposes. It is true however if I make the UK my "home" then I need a visa. Right now I just want to get on the plane and after 6 months if it works for me I will look into the visa. Otherwise staying for 6 months at a time is quite nice, particularly from May through October. Contrary to what many people think, in the summer months the UK has a climate like Northern California with a high about 70F, low 60F, low humidity and little rain! Oh, and loooong daylight, like it gets dark at 10:30-11 pm in June!
One thing is theory, imagination, fantasy of how that life can be. Another thing is reality.
Try to be the best friend you can be to others.
(Like for your sick friend, in their time of need).
Then friendship will come back to you. Loneliness will go away.
I can imagine it must be lonely for you now.
There is a bit of grief too becauses everything is changing but you are kind of stuck right now.
Not wanting to leave because who knows how much time dad has left but feeling rudderless as you navigate this new normal.
The only solution is to find a new life's purpose to get you moving on with your life since much of your time and thoughts these past years have been about dad.
A long time ago I read an excerpt by the American writer Ralph Waldo Emerson who said something to the effect that close relationship endings seem so tragic but then you realize in the future that that time marked a momement of great change for you - a change that needed to come to break up the old and bring in the new. My goodness do I understand that now!
Im confused about the living location situation . However ……wherever ….
Try to join some sort of group with a like interest to make friends .
Find purpose by working or volunteer .
Go speak to a therapist about the loneliness and grief .
I too felt lost after I wasn’t having to take care of my parents anymore .
Try to move forward .
Take care.
How I feel vulnerable is that there is literally no one I know now I can call on if I ever need assistance for anything. For example, I had a scary situation in my neighborhood last year. I called my father and then stayed at his house for a few nights. That was very comforting. I can't do that now. I can't call on my brother anymore either. Now I'm feeling very alone in the world and at anytime if something bad happens I have to deal with it all by myself, if I can.
If I ever have to be in the hospital it will just be me. There will be nurses and doctors there (god bless them) and other patients around but no one who cares about me like family is supposed to, This entire situation is weighing on me mentally like never before. It's affecting me physically, too.
Thanks to everyone who offer suggestions. I think what I want to do is to focus on one of my interests, like walking, and then be part of a local group that may not only stabilize how I feel, it may make me feel good and possibly make some good friends. Or at least that's what think I should do.
You can find that in a faith community, aka a church (contrary to popular belief, many churches do not ask you to subscribe to any particular belief system to be a member).
There are myriad community groups--folks who do volunteer work of various kinds. You can become a docent at a museum, a volunteer at your local library or animal shelter.
I can't promise you an instant community, but these are all opportunities to develop some ties to other people in your locale.
I understand your deep love for your father.
I also understand that it’s painful to have a complicated relationship with our siblings.
I hear loneliness coming through in your words. Loneliness is a real concern. So much so, that the Surgeon General recently announced that loneliness is an epidemic and can affect our mental and physical health. The physical damage is comparable to someone who smokes cigarettes daily.
I urge you to seek connections outside of your family. You can move forward in your life, in spite of your difficult circumstances with your brother.
Don’t base your opinion of yourself by how your brother views you. Accept that your relationship may never be restored. Use your time and energy to focus on your goals and needs.
If you strongly desire to live elsewhere, then go for it! Approach it as moving towards something, a fresh start or a new beginning. With a healthy approach this could work out well for you.
Wishing you peace and joy in your life.
Just in anyone has interest, it's also a lot of a little things my brother and his family say and do that cause me pain. For example, at the assisted living place I me and my brother met some residents who are friends of my father now, One man there is originally from Boston. When I was in my 20's I stayed with a friend, who was working there, for about 6 months. So I said "Oh, I lived in Boston for a little while.". Then my brother said "You didn't live in Boston!". I said "I lived with Susan that summer and fall.' My brother then says "Yea, you slept on her couch.". To my brother I have no right telling anyone that I lived somewhere by his definition of "lived". To him it means I had my own apartment or house there, not sleeping on someone's couch, like I did. In my view he did this to "protect" the man from Boston from having the wrong impression about me. He didn't want the man to think as highly of me as he might of. He need to ensure that the man knew exactly what the situation was. It was also embarrassing to me. My brother is a total jerk. I didn't say more. I'm so sick of it.
I had friends in my teens and 20's, just like many young people do, but then I devoted all my time to my work and family (my father, brother and then his family). I took care of my father for 10 years while my brother traveled with his fiancé, now wife. I also took care of my brother for some time as well when he had depression.
I have always kept in touch with a close friend who moved far away and then they had an unexpected major health issue years ago, total disability, and major family issues, which continue today. My problems are nothing compared to theirs. I called on friends from my childhood neighborhood and high school in recent months and they are all either consumed by work and family or are total disasters, like alcoholics and still behave like they did as teenagers. I definitely don't want to be in contact with them.
Grammar is so overrated. In my life I have seen so many times people favor those who speak and write well, regardless of what they can actually do. I have also met people who speak with bad grammar but are very successful. I look at what people can do, not how well they speak or write.
I truly don’t believe that your situation has anything to do with proper grammar.
I see a woman who cared deeply for her family and would like to be appreciated and respected. Your feelings are natural. We all want appreciation and respect. Sadly, we don’t always receive it.
The only constant in life is change. When changes occur we have to adapt to them. We adapt by doing what is best for us.
What do you feel would be best for you? Whatever that is, work towards that and don’t be concerned about what others are doing. Let them be themselves. Their actions do not dictate the direction of your life.
You seem less stressed (although lonely or perhaps just introspective) in this posting. Perhaps dad being somewhere safe and settled has given you permission to take stock of your own life.
A moment of clarity can be wonderful, enlightening, frightening etc.
I think this happens to many caregivers and to all people at different phases of life when we have life transitions.
Will there be a life for me after caregiving? Where are my people, my tribe, so to speak. Where do I live, food shop, seek medical care, the list is endless and ongoing. All of us have a life to manage. At times we are on automatic, comfortable that the major decisions in life have been made, but there will always be decisions to make and unexpected twists of fate, change in fortune, etc. The best laid plans and all that.
We are left feeling…many things but the one most of us try to avoid is…vulnerable. (see Brene Brown’s TED talk).
Who will be there for me when I need help? For some of us it comes as a complete shock when we reach a stage or age that we are no longer able to be as self sufficient. we didn’t know we could no longer touch our toes or parallel park in one smooth pass. And the person we imagined might be there is not. Has died, is distant, needs help themselves.
The old adage. To make a friend, first be a friend comes to mind.
Know that there are others who are in the same position. There are folks with whom you might not choose to go on vacation with but will still give you a lift from the car repair or pick you up after a colonoscopy. The neighbor or old friend who says just let me know if you need anything, might themselves be 70 or 80, it happens.
About your brother. So much sibling angst between you two. Your brother embarrasses himself when he acts like a school boy. Since you know his proclivity to snap up the low hanging fruit for all things Lisa, you might consider not tempting him. It is after all his nature. And yours appears to be one willing to enter the fray either fearlessly or naively. I’m not sure which. One day you might decide to not poke the bear and notice your life runs smoother.
So to answer your question Lisa, we are ALL dealing with it, to one degree or another. As my DH aunt, 97, with dementia, would say, “That’s Life” or “I’ll dance at your next wedding.” Which ever is on the loop at the time.
https://www.bustle.com/articles/152372-how-to-reconnect-with-old-friends
I did a few months ago after he really insulted me. With total sincerity I told how I feel. I said "I know this is a difficult situation for you. It is for me as well. Probably the worst in my life. I have always been someone you could always count on. Do you remember when you were severely depressed years ago I dropped everything and got you the care you needed? I was totally supportive and did out my love for you. I moved here to be with you and dad out of love for both of you. You have been insulting me in various ways since I got here. There is no need for that. I always have your best interests. Please know this"
That did absolutely nothing! I learned that once my brother has something in mind that's it. No flexibility. He will do whatever to get what he wants. Unfortunately for him he could get me to do certain things that would have freed up a lot of his time for his own pursuits. He doesn't work, lives off his (wealthy) wife and all his pursuits are total leisure.
So what he did is just drop me from everything related to his family. No dinners, no get-togethers, no telephone calls, nothing anymore. When we are together, like visiting my father and there's something he doesn't like he'll make an issue out of it. For example, I asked my father "Do you remember when you used to go swimming at...." My brother starting shaking his head and mouthing "Don't say that!!!!_ because somewhere online he read you should never ask older people in assisted living if they remember things because they can get confused and frustrated. My father's memory is like 98% of what it has always been. The only time he gets frustrated is when my brother tells him something and my brother doesn't follow through. Yes, my brother is also dumb. But smart enough to figure out if my father went into assisted living sooner than later he could start travelling again not have to care for my father. He even went to the lengths of telling me last year that he had "obligations" that would prevent him from talking care of me father. Yea, what obligations? Like you're obligated to play 18 holes a golf every day now that I'm here?
You tried to have a real connection with your brother and he let you down.
I do work. This is what I do: I just got off a conference call with a company in China. It's Monday there. What happened was a colleague in the US told me on Friday the Chinese company pricing was about 10% too high (and wouldn't allow a profit margin on our end). The company in China just told me can't go any lower. So now my only alternative in this situation is to go back my colleague and ask them to try to negotiate the price down directly with the company. This might work, or not. That's what I do for a work. It's very difficult but very possible to do very well.
Thank yo so much. My father has been the "guiding light" in my life, ever since I can remember. Not all the things he wanted for me are right for me; and he got me wrong sometimes times. But overall I almost don't feel safe doing exactly what I want to do without my father's influence, it's feels like I'm going to make a big mistake. My father wants me to settle in this city for the long run and be civil with my brother. He has acknowledged that I should always do what I want regardless of him but between his guidance and the recent revelation that every day now with my father is a priceless gift I'm kind of "forced" to stay where I am. On the other hand tomorrow I just may wake up and leave for pastures new.
My brother? Forget. I don't care what he says or does other than it hurts me to have to endure it. If it were just me and him here I would leave in a second to anywhere at this point. But I'll make sure I'm by the sea and in an environment that makes me feel good,
Find your own path. I wish you well.
OP, you already know since a long time, that you don't get along with your brother. Even all of us on the forum know, because you posted many times about it.
Why do you visit your Dad at the same time as your brother? I'm guessing you need a ride from your brother in his car, to get to the AL? Otherwise, you would have avoided your brother a long time ago.
Please:
-get a driver's license
-get financially independent
-be nice to your vulnerable, sick friend. When one is sick, one remembers who was there for you and who wasn't.
Reaching out helps.
I agree and I do, to some extent. But for many years they were my main focus. It's difficult getting "recalibrated" now.
I went to a therapist for quite a while. It’s worth the time and effort.
Self care is tremendously important. Start saying to yourself that you have no control over what your brother does. Know that you can love your dad without neglecting yourself.
You don’t have to like your brother but at least be grateful to him for finding a good facility for your father. Your dad is doing well! Isn’t it fantastic that he is making friends and satisfied with his facility?
Give respect to get respect. At least be civil to your brother. Your poor dad has to witness the two of you at each other’s throats. Just stop! Rise above it.
You and your brother need to stop throwing the past up in each other’s faces. It’s ridiculous to keep reminding each other of what they did. It over!
Please try to move on without giving your brother a second thought. Living well is the best revenge.
Stop competing with your brother and keeping score. It’s a waste of time and energy.
One thing that I thought about this morning is that much of what my brother says is not what he really means but is a way of getting his way. Like for example, when he says in an adult way "Dad will never be able to do this or that" it comes across as him being mature in letting me know what the situation is. BUT the situation is that my father IS capable of doing those things! What my brother is really saying is: "I am through taking care of dad. This is where he is going to stay. You will not be able to get him to live independently even if he can. Because if he does I will need to then do things for him. This is not going to happen".
My brother would never say that of course because he would come off looking like a bad son. What he should have said though was "I have been taking care of dad for the last several years. I need more time for myself now. I am planning on traveling next year for months at a time I think dad would do well is assisted living and it would take the burden off me, and you. If dad doesn't want to go then I can no longer be of help." At least it would be the truth and things would be fine between us.
Does anyone know anyone else who communicates this way? I had no idea that that is what was happening. I always took my brother at his word. I don't know what happened to him.
I understand that you'd like to be closer in proximity to your father currently - so be there and live there - but build your own life separate from that. And a brother like that is worthwhile to ignore - just because you live in the same city doesn't mean he needs to be front and center in your life.
And if you're not meeting friends from work since you work remotely, try other ways...if you're an animal person, you may want to adopt from a shelter - dog parks are a great means of meeting others - you wind up talking to lots of people - it's very easy. Also, try online dating - and volunteering - or going to a gym - keep your life active - or church functions, etc.
People are drawn to others who are upbeat - friendly - warm - easy to talk to - fun - sense of humor - easy going...those qualities will attract others into your life without difficulty - for new friendships. So, focus on the positives - and you'll be surprised just how quickly your life can change for the better.
Release your brother from your mind already - isn't it enough? I bet if he saw a different person in you, the family relationship may become easier too. Look at this time in your life as liberating - once you get out of your rut, life will look a whole lot better!
You are absolutely right. My brother can do this because he's been married for years to a spouse with great wealth which means regardless he'll never been insecure ever again. So he thinks he can push anyone around he thinks is doing something he thinks is not right. I've seen him do it to others. He would have never done that before he got married, He was very vulnerable then. He couldn't make it on his own. His looks are what got him his wife.
Now, many people in the community would never say anything bad to him regardless of how he behaves because his wife is on the board of philanthropic organizations. Everyone "sucks" up to them. Thankfully I speak the truth to whoever someone is. When I was younger there was a very rich woman in my community that everyone knew. She saw me one school night out walking to the store. She said "You should be in doing homework!" because she felt entitled. I had just passed my exams with straight A's and had no more homework. So I said "Mind your own business". Well, there was an uproar in my community that I talked back to this "good" woman and from then on a lot of people didn't want anything to do with me because they thought if they did the rich woman might know and then the woman would might not give them anything. That's how a lot of people are. Not me. At least I have my self-respect.
Oh, years ago when he was "down" he had no problem staying with me and letting me take him out to countless dinners. He respected me back then and never said anything bad to me and never pulled the things he does now.
I agree and I will try. It's just that I gave up so much to help him when he was younger and my family is very important to me. I always wanted good relations. It hurts very bad now. There was a period in my life when we both didn't hear from one another for many months. Not out of anything negative; it was just we were living our own lives. I think I became too mature thinking that family is everything and I need to do everything for everyone. That is too much. I totally agree with. I will try to stop.
You said that, "you think you became too mature thinking that family is everything and you need to do everything for everyone." Well, live and learn - thankfully, your father is doing well where he lives - and your brother too. Family means a lot - but you can't live for your father and brother - that's unhealthy - and sometimes, good friends are family...and it's important to cultivate other relationships in your life.
The bottom line is - you can't "try" to help yourself with this....you need to take steps to do it - and undo your way of thinking. It's not working for you.
You have lifelong issues with your family that want some sorting out. Good luck!
I hope that Lisa will listen to one of us and get the help that she so desperately needs.
I learned so much from you, Barb. I am forever grateful for your help when I was struggling.
Why are you giving so much power over to your brother? Please explain why he matters so much?
A few comments ago, you state that you don’t care how he feels. Then, as Hope pointed out to you, you bypass everything else and start focusing on your brother again and again and again!
Enough! Please go see a therapist. a licensed professional who will be able to help you find your way out of this unhealthy rut!
I agree it's enough. I'm going to a therapist on Friday. Tomorrow I go to a medical doctor and I'll tell them about the feelings I have.
My guess is it's the other way around, he was actually the one helping you. Later he got married, and you two became less close.
"I need to do everything for everyone"
I doubt very much you were the one doing everything for everyone. For a while, it was your brother's wife financing help for your father, right? You and your brother also helped your father. Your brother has POA.
It's easier to focus on other problems, because it takes one's mind off one's real problems. We all do that a bit.
Please OP:
1. Get a job. I know you say you work from home. I doubt very much you work. If you did, your mind wouldn't be thinking that much about your brother...
2. Become financially independent.
3. Get a driver's license.
4. Be the best friend you can be. Become proud of what a good friend you are (not online - but to real people outside the internet).
No. I gave up my friends because they (my brother and father) were my focus.
You need to be a good friend to others. One doesn't give up on one's friends.
Your brother DID NOT need you. An elderly father can need help. But your brother did not need you. You didn't abandon your friends for your brother.
I suggest to you, it's the other way around.
You didn't have friends, so you wanted to spend lots of time with your father AND your brother, and your brother's family.
"I have a good friend that I could call on for moral support but they are going through far worse things than I am. I won't hear from them in months, if not years. Rather ever!"
OP, your good friend is vulnerable and sick. YOU should be the one calling, or sending a nice surprise. A friendly email, an encouragement, flowers...
Be a good friend to others.
I am glad that you posted that you have an appointment scheduled with a therapist.
Please stick with it. Tell the therapist your concerns and then listen with an open mind.
Trust me, a therapist has heard it all before. It will be a safe place to talk. But please don’t run away if the therapist questions something you say or gives suggestions to you that you disagree with. Hear them out. They are trained professionals who have dealt with these situations for years.
I hope to hear that you have been enlightened on family dynamics after attending your therapy sessions.
I truly wish you all the best. You deserve to be happy and at peace. Self care is essential for all of us. If you want help, it’s available. Don’t blow an opportunity to move forward in your life.