Anyone have a hard time finding the best place for your loved one with dementia?

Yes, there is no perfect place. My mom has found new things to complain about in each of the situations she has been in. But she has no trust in the caregivers. There are 14 residents and a full time nurse and I believe 2 aids, plus the activity director and the the MC director. She keeps asking me to hire a woman to help her, she says no one comes when she calls for help, yet when I inquire how many times she has pressed her call button and who has responded, I am told they have been in several times already. I know she has dementia, so I don’t know what to believe. With Covid-19, I cannot go in the unit to observe what is going on. How can I get her to trust the staff?? She is always telling me, “you chose this place and told me they would do everything for me. Ha! You’ve been lied to.” I just don’t know how to respond. I looked at several places, along with mom, but she does not remember she was there, and says I made the decision without her, and I am treating her like the daughter and acting like the mom. Just. Cannot. Win.

A memory care assisted living facility will have its flaws-- really it is a place for those who are not in decline-- but unfortunately a nursing home is not a good place for those who are unless they are violent and are restrained for their own safety which they do not like to talk about that. Good luck finding the perfect ALF-- they don't exist, really.

Imho, in this facility not everyone is going to have the same requirements. Perhaps your mother could count herself somewhat fortunate.

My mom, at 94, has recently moved from AL to MC. It’s coming up on a year now, and prior to that she was living at home with various caregivers for a year. She has moderate dementia, and she is not happy anywhere. She complained about her live in caregivers, accused them of stealing, and would yell at them. One by one they left. Then she complained about AL, how she needed more help, but was mad at all the help because they didn’t shower her right or at the right time, didn’t fix her bed right, do her laundry when she wanted it done. Then Covid hit and she was isolated in her room for months and complained having to clean up after meals in her room, the food quality, the lack of responsiveness, people coming in during the night and moving things (not happening). She wanted more help, but help could do nothing right. You name it she complained. She landed in the hospital due to impaction, not remembering when she had gone to the bathroom. Then she’d gulp down prune juice and it caused another problem. Now she complains in MC. I moved her because our MC is not in lockdown like AL. So she can eat in the restaurant, participate in activities, and has all the help she can ask for. Well everyone there is cuckoo, why is she there, what a horrible place I put her in to die, food is awful ( same as AL), help doesn’t come (they are), we are all making her sick, she is intentionally assertive, yelling at the restaurant staff for not bringing her hot tea with milk and sugar ( she lived in England for a few years, so now she is acting like the queen), yelling at the staff because she is forced to stand up to their mistreatment of the residents. She makes me feel guilty any chance she gets for not taking her in to my home. “ You promised.” Well I didn’t “promise”, didn’t factor in dementia, didn’t count on having kids with debilitating chronic illnesses still at home, and she needs 24/7. I just cannot do it. I would be divorced, I am certain. How lucky her 95 year old sister is to be living with her daughter. Shame on me. I should be embarrassed that I put my mom in a clean, safe, caring environment with more stimulation she would ever get living with me, being too busy taking care of her and my family to even sit and talk to her. Never happy, always complains, always reminds me old age is coming for me too, just you wait, aging sucks. And she doesn’t understand why I don’t want to be with her.

It'll be the same with most any facility, so key decision makers are clean, well cared for, nice staff, various activities of which some may engage, others won't.

IF we found the ideal place and IF every person who moved in was at the same level, over the course of time that will change. Each person experiences changes at their own pace. Even if they all had the same underlying condition which led to the dementia, they will progress on their own timeline.

The place we chose is/was very nice. It was still being rebuilt when we (mostly I) selected it. The deposit was refundable, so I signed mom up. We did try to keep her home longer by bringing in aides to get her used to having them (1hr/day), but less than 2 months later she refused to let them in. She was still able to ambulate and mostly self-care. The concerns were what she was eating (lost the ability to cook foods, so mostly frozen dinners and boxed stuff) and her inability to realize she needed help. It took a while before the place was ready and they opened in stages (IL first, then AL and finally MC, which was delayed a bit until they had a few more residents.) Just prior to the move, mom "bruised" her leg, didn't tell us (only a neighbor, who reported it to me) and developed cellulitis. W/out the warning from the neighbor and my OB arriving for the move, she could've died from this!

Anyway, mom's move was delayed a few days due to this infection, but she still ended up being the first to move in (several others were delayed for other reasons.) Staff would take her upstairs with the AL folks, so she could interact with others, until more moved in. The first ones to move in were at similar levels, although some were using walkers. During visits, I would interact with others and try to get mom involved with them. Mom's big thing was reading, didn't matter what it was, but esp liked sales flyers!

There were so many who progressed way beyond mom's capabilities, some quickly. Mom's progression has been slower than others, but eventually went to a rollator, then due to fear of falling and lack of use, she moved to a wheelchair. She likes the staff and engages more with them (although she tends to repeat herself a lot - it was the clue that something was wrong!) She's living her "life" about 40+ years ago. I have watched turnover, mainly because many passed on or had to move to a better suited facility, due to their progression.

Mom's biggest issue is lack of hearing. She's worn hearing aids for a long time, but would forget to change the battery (even when she was living in her own place!) and I requested they do it. Didn't happen, so it may have contributed to more hearing loss, but her condition was going to lead to complete deafness anyway. They ran it through the laundry, so I had to buy another pair (she was only wearing one.) Nurse was given control of the charger, so it wouldn't get lost. Mom kept taking it out, and the first one soon disappeared, likely wrapped in tissue or napkin and tossed. Since then they keep taking it away when she takes it out, so it leads to even less interaction with others. She was always more apt to interact with staff than residents, except initially when I could visit and encourage interaction with others. Now she's had a stroke and is working with PT to help her right side, so she can better feed herself. It's the only thing she still does by herself.

Anyway, the bottom line is despite having others at the same or similar level, that will change, sometimes rather quickly, so you are always going to have a mix of abilities. Hopefully activities can be geared for multiple levels and everyone is encouraged to participate, but even that will diminish. Bingo was a big draw for a long time, but I hadn't seen them do that for quite some time now. Eventually our LOs will be among those will less ability while new people with higher levels will come in. It's just such a sad condition. We can only do our best and ensure they are safe.

I had the exact same issue when they insisted my mom belong in the Memory Care unit a little over a year and a half ago. She was very "self present" even though she couldn't remember things. Since she was in a building that had Assisted Living, Independent Living, and Memory Care, we asked if we could take her off the locked floor when we visited and down into the pub where they had a pub hour once a day. There were usually at the start about 6 or 7 women or men there. We asked if we could join them and my husband and I did most of the talking. Since Mom was self-present she could joke a little or answer some questions and I would step in if she needed help. None of them realized that she was a Memory Care person until I would tell them after a while because she would have to leave to go back to her floor for dinner. They all grew fond of my Mom and I was able to also bring her to some downstairs activities to join in with them. This helped Mom immensely and when she was on her own floor, she would also join in activities and started looking out for those that had more issues than her. The Assisted Living Pub group grew larger and they always made sure there was a seat for my mother. They were devastated when she fell and chipped her hip and was in rehab for a few weeks, always asking how she was doing. When she came back they had a card for her. We were even allowed to bring her downstairs for dinner with them once in a while.

Then COVID hit. Right now, we are finally allowed to visit her in her room, but residents are not allowed to congregate in public spaces per the laws right now in Massachusetts. I do see the 'pub' ladies as I walk through the building to get to my Mom's floor and they always ask how she is doing. Mom's memory is getting worse now, but if they open it up again, I will try again to bring her at least to the Happy Hour (with non alcoholic wine) to see how she fares.

By doing this, the residents also began to understand that Dementia is not something they can "catch" from our loved ones. Where they once would not set foot on the "2nd" floor, they had actually started going upstairs for joint activities like nail painting day and some had volunteered to go visit with some other residents.

My advice would be to see if your facility allows such interactivity with your help so your mom can be among more social situations. I believe it helped my mom's dementia not decline as quickly as it could have since she had some social stimulation other than just the Assistants on her floor. Once COVID hit and they were all quarantined in their rooms totally for 4 months with little social interaction, it took a toll on mom's abilities, but now that we are able to visit twice a week again, I see her improving. She will probably never return to where she was before COVID. I'm hoping that one day this will be over and she can return to engaging in both activities on her floor and downstairs.

Mom still looks at some of the residents on her floor and "feels bad" for some of them and wonders why they wear the same clothes every day (I'm not sure that all of them do, but since Mom doesn't remember what she wore yesterday, I'm sure she doesn't remember what they wore either :)

So, I resisted putting my Mom on the Memory Floor, but did it; found a way to give her a break a few days a week to engage socially with the ladies in the pub; and now she does belong on the Memory Floor and at least 5 residents from the Assisted Living pub group have moved up to my Mom's floor.

Not sure if this helps, but if your facility doesn't allow interaction with your help (I always had to take her and bring her back), then I would look around for one that does.

I have been in your exact position in the past with my Mom. The main thing is she is being well taken care of. With this disease, things that make them happy or content changes from minute to minute. They are each in their own world so to speak. One day my mother mentioned to me that one of the ladies was crazy. The nurse heard her say that and said, “She thinks that but it was her that fired me twice today.” 🙃 And she organized a group of women to throw a large dining table through the huge floor to ceiling window to escape. Would have been into the secured garden courtyard and all they had to do was open an unlocked door to the courtyard at anytime. Thankfully staff got to them before they could do damage. So what I am saying is, when you think they are more normal then others, are they? Don’t even try to figure out this disease, it is so different for each one of them. Just know she is safe. Give her something to cuddle, a stuff dog, cat, or doll. Ask the staff if they can do more engaging things with her. Crafts, music, etc. With this disease folks are not social as they were before. My husband enjoys music. It gives the brain a time to relax, feel comfort and not have to remember much. But yet words to the music come back to him quite automatically even when he can’t remember our son’s name and so many other things. Don’t be hard on yourself, just go with the flow and try to smile often.

It might be that your mom doesn't make new friends because with dementia she doesn't remember from day to day who she's talked to. It's that way now with my mom after all of her friends in the facility have left for memory care or have died. She's perfectly nice if someone approaches her, but she doesn't make the effort she once did to be friendly. I think she simply doesn't remember people. It's also possible that your mom doesn't really see herself as she is now, so if you ask the caregivers to introduce her to the residents who don't have dementia that might work best. Whenever I ask a favor like that at my mom's facility they are happy to try it. Since the covid restrictions I've not been able to get to know the new residents as I once did, so I can't do that myself for my mom now. Before I would involve my mom in conversations that I started with the others and that would get an introduction anyway. It's just very difficult to watch the decline and changes that life brings. But you have her in a good place, so waiting it out and trying whatever you can to keep her happy is all you can do. A move would just cause disruption. My mom might have to go to memory care soon and I can't stand the thought of moving her.

My mother is also an odd one out because while it was no longer safe for her for us to care for her, she's also got extreme OCPD, making any care for her exceptionally difficult. My family and I love and respect where she is now, which is a series of group homes for ALZ residents. She'll never fit in anywhere, so I have to keep reminding myself that she's safe, fed and cared for. It's my mantra these days, because nothing will ever be the ideal, and as Franklin 2011 reminded me, as does my support group, our mother will decline and become more typical. I believe my sister and I have made all the right decisions with every move we've made in terms of our mother's long term care. I suppose we'll always question ourselves, because nothing will ever seem perfect, but with the gamut of emotion that goes along with this sort of thing, it eases my heart to know our decisions have been the right ones. Hugs!

My husband was also the odd one out because he was male and young (early onset.) He was very mobile and talkative. He loved to talk to the staff and they were very kind to him. He seemed to ignore the folks who were much more capable than him (and they ignored him) and befriended two women in their 80’s who were mostly nonverbal but mobile. He felt protective of them. They were all “shoppers”, so would take walks around the facility picking up what interested them. For my husband it was books, magazines, pamphlets, etc. they’d be carried for a while and abandoned. Unfortunately, your mom will decline and become more typical. A caring staff is key. Best wishes.

My 97 year old mother was in the same situation when she moved to memory care about 5 years ago, although there were a couple of other residents who she could relate to. She found a buddy for awhile, but then he moved to skilled nursing as he declined. Eventually my mother declined to a point where she doesn't talk, doesn't walk and can't do anything for herself. She doesn't participate in organized activities, but she'll sit in the common area where there are people going by, and they take her outside to the garden. I think the decline was natural. She's well cared for, the staff spend time with her, and give her a lot of love.

My mom went thru the same thing . I’d go at least 5 days a week and spend 2 hours with her walking talking or going places to make her feel better ....

Then Covid hit. Her place went in lockdown . Within 3 months my mom had a complete decline due to no activity or communication w family . She is now in long term care w hospice.She canno longer walk, Talks gibberish, barely eats, and is on a catheter. Sleeps a lot.

There are no great places other then home , but w Alz I can’t do it .

Alz is horrible . AND WE GET NO VISITATION OTHER THEN STARING THRU A CLOSED WINDOW .

FaceTime also . She mostly sleeps.


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I agree with the general approach of other posts on your question. Your LO is in a good place-is a rare find these days. Your LO may not a perfect match at the moment as far as other residents etc. For me the best place will be my first choice for the long haul. I would. not consider moving to another place for something like assisted care and then need to move again down the road when needs change again.

Do what you can to be involved, window visits, phone calls, etc. for my sister emotional attachment to me is the last thing she can feel and verbalize for herself.

I had my sister in Assisted when she first moved-she needed a tad bit more involved staff which would have been a better match-i wanted sis to make the choice of what i researched and sis also toured-I thought would work if sis felt involved and made "her own" choice with my guidance. I had hopes it would last much longer....4 months later had to move due to combative behavior etc. Sis became frustrated with her changing ability and behavior-she could not control and she needed more care. We moved 3 times in less than a year due to rapid decline. I too wanted sis to be happy and comfortable eventually had to decide for her and try to make the best choice for good care.

Hope she is close by. minutes away. I hope you just POP IN UNANNOUNCED to see and spend time with Mom. best way to see how she is actually doing. Do stay and have lunch and or dinner with her, taste the food she is being fed. Do bring in fresh food once in a while. bakery, candies, pizza, snacks, etc. make it fun and happy. No one place is perfect. It also determined by the activity or energy your mom wants or has for such. Being close to home was my prioiorty. But is it what they need? thinking that one over again.
Know you are doing your best. love.

Oh boy can I relate!! About to move mom from skilled nursing to a memory care unit. In my case she has dementia - not terrible yet - but just had a brain bleed stroke and her short term memory is shot. She’s got TONS of energy, more than anyone imaginable ( truly ) and speaks clearly which fools people, and sometimes she does go in and out of quite lucid times which makes this situation more tragic. But there’s no way she can go back to independent living, and I’ve been wracking my brain for the best way/place she can live. And I mean truly LIVE, not feel shut away.

Often if nothing fits right, the best thing to do is to pick the least lousy option. For my mom this might mean living in a memory care and blowing out of it by mowing over residents and staff by her sheer force of nature. Then I’ll have to move her somewhere else.


I really feel for you on this one because I’m living it. If a place is clean and the staff is kind and knowledgeable, that is a huge plus. I know this isn’t great advice but I want to acknowledge that this is really, really hard, especially if the senior was difficult before the dementia. It feels like there’s no win. We just do the best we can with what is possible and available.

I’m rooting for you!

I've worked as a NP in 18 nursing homes in the State of CT. I wouldn't want my loved ones in any one of them. The place where your mom currently resides sounds great! I can't tell if it's an assisted living facility (which I know less about) or a nursing home. If she appears well cared for, she likes the staff and they like her and treat her well, you've solved 95% of all the problems finding appropriate placement. If the facility has a social worker, ask him/her to meet with your mom to discuss any concerns she might have. If there's an activities director, ask them to meet with your mom as well. I'm wondering if your mom is still aware enough that she doesn't feel useful. I remember sending my dad to an Adult Day Care and early on it was a similar situation but they had him help bring w/c patients to different programs that he was attending and they gave him small jobs/tasks to do to keep him busy and make him feel useful - even important. Sometimes I think he may have believed that he even worked there.

I'm not sure how long your mom has been at this facility but the pandemic has really thrown a wrench into things. Isolation and depression are really running rampant in these facilities due to all of the mandated restrictions. You could also have her seen by the psychiatric provider who comes to the facility at least weekly (usually anyway), to see if she might benefit by a trial of medication for anxiety or depression - if on interview it seemed appropriate. It takes time to get used to a new environment. Perhaps you can meet with the social worker and/or the activities director to see if there are any female patients at the facility who are functioning at or near your mom's level whom she might be able to make friends with if they had the opportunity to spend some time together. Kind of like match-making but for friendship and to decrease feelings of isolation. I hope this helps. Sounds like you are to be congratulated on your placement decision for your mom. These aren't big issues. Work with them to see what can be done to make her feel a bit more at home and needed, useful, and valued.

Yes, I know exactly how you feel. My family member is in the same situation.

He is in Memory Care and can not relate to many other residents.

His dementia is very mild.

He loves the staff and they love him. So, if that works for him. it works for us.

My LO was unmarried, tough as leather, fiercely loyal to family and a few very loyal friendships.

It took her a long time adjusting, and she was just starting to do some relaxing, fun oriented things when the lockdown hit.

Then she was ill with Covid for three weeks, and remained Covid Positive for a little over 3 additional months. We’ve now seen her in 3 outdoor visits, and she’s just the same as she was before she got ill.

You really are in good shape with your mom’s care if you can say that her facility is amply staffed and clean.

I knew going in that nothing for my LO would be the same or in any way comparable to her life before placement, but I also know that I couldn’t leave her in a house where there were dozens of fall risks. When she falls now, care is swiftly administered and top of the line.

If you’ve made the choice based on the very best you could find for her, be at peace with your decision. No one can really do any more.

Nothing can take the place of "clean" or "enough staff to patients ratio". Well cared for is not something you can actually expect from many places these days. It is a shame she does not have more company that she can relate to but believe me I am going through a nightmare just trying to find somewhere. that takes decent car of the residents and has compassionate staff that do not abuse the patients mentally or neglect them physically.
You would be amazed.

I guess I'm really fortunate. My mother's MC has a very large common room, and all the residents are out there most of the day. They have activities for the mild to moderate folks, other activities for the seriously-affected non-verbal ones, and those who are somewhere in the middle come and go back and forth to their rooms under their own steam participating in whatever they're interested in. They have residents who vary in age all the way from 99 down to 38 (head injury or early onset Alzheimer's - I'm not sure what his problem is). They all seem very content because the staff works hard to engage everyone in one way or another every day.

I think how a place functions is all about how the organization chooses to run it. I was extremely lucky to find this place for my mother because I had no idea what I was doing, but I was referred to it by APlaceforMom.com, and their recommendation was spot-on.

My Mom was a very outgoing person who could talk with anyone and have a great conversation with them. After she was admitted to the LTC facility for Rehab, she started to wheel from hallway to hallway (the halls were in a square and connected to each other at the corners) looking for my brother and myself. The nursing staff were afraid that my Mom would wheel herself outside through one of the many doors on the "Square" so she was transferred to the Memory Care Unit.

The MC door would close and lock if she ever got her w/c too close. The other residents varied in level of dementia. Mom's roommate would yell at Mom and anyone else if she thought they were "getting into her things". There really wasn't any resident that Mom could hold a conversation with so Mom sat in her w/c out in the hallway most of the time. (She couldn't see or hear the TV very well and could not use the remote control.) The nursing staff and housekeeping staff talked with her almost everytime they walked by and she really enjoyed that.

It still grieves me that Mom didn't have someone (another resident) she could talk with and have long conversations with like she did on the Rehab Unit, but her wandering made it unsafe for her to stay on that unit anymore. When Mom died, the LPN told me that she would always remember how Mom would sit in the hall, eating her M&Ms, talking with everyone who walked by. The housekeeping staff sent a sympathy card stating that they will miss visiting with her while they did their work.

Your Mom is getting excellent care so be content with that. It is never easy having a LO with dementia. {{{HUGS}}}

I think it's almost impossible for a moderate dementia patient to feel 'comfortable' anywhere, frankly. My mother lived in a regular ALF, had her own apartment and was unable to cope; the place was too big, too many responsibilities; a microwave oven she'd forgotten how to work; all sorts of things. After a bout of pneumonia, she was refused admittance back to the regular ALF and would only be accepted into the Memory Care building across the parking lot which houses 23 residents in various stages of dementia/ALZ. She's very well cared for over there and has lived in the MC for 16 months now. At first, she was ok with it. As time went on, however, she decided she 'doesn't belong' there because she's 'absolutely fine' and the others are all 'stupid morons or crazy' and she makes a circle around her ear with her forefinger to describe them. Which is not true at all; there are quite a few residents with milder to moderate dementia as she is, she just chooses not to associate herself with them. She chooses to befriend others who are in worse mental condition than she is, and then bitterly complains 24/7.

So, the moral of my story is that my mother is not going to feel 'comfortable' anywhere she goes; she will always find a reason to complain or be unhappy. For us, it's impossible to check off all the boxes; such a utopian place doesn't exist, to the best of my knowledge. MY goal, on the other hand, is to ensure that she's properly cared for and looked after by a team of people who are compassionate and well trained.

In my mother's case, she's a world champion complainer.........I don't know if that's the case with your mother. I often say I can put my mother up at the Palace of Versailles and she will complain that the gold is tarnished. People like her are impossible to please so you stop trying. In your case, you have to weigh the pros and cons. NO Memory Care is perfect; there will be issues wherever you go. You can check out other places to see what you think, but keep in mind the main goal is finding great care for her..........the rest is minor by comparison, you know?

Wishing you the best of luck!!!

Dear "Roseformom,"

Your situation reminds me of my own. My mom was 90 with early stage Alzheimer's when we moved her from her home of 47 years into an ALF back in 2015. She was just like your mom. Even when she turned 95 in February she was still walking and talking until the facility had a large number of COVID cases. My mom was severely dehydrated and contracted the virus along with a couple of other things due to what I believe was neglect while they were busy trying to beat back the media who were reporting their high number of cases on every local channel.

After leaving the hospital and rehab facility, we moved her to a new facility into their memory care unit. However, she is no longer mobile and is under hospice care within the facility. They are as good of a facility as we're going to find and we're very impressed with it. The website pictures are beautiful, it's clean, her apartment has laminate wood-like flooring, molding around the baseboards and communication is great.

I think where you and probably myself (at one time) get hung up, is wanting our mom to do well with "people." We don't like to see them left out or not wanting to be social. I sure hope you don't move her especially after you've said "it's hard to check off all the boxes, but I am extremely grateful she is getting excellent care." That is the most important thing right now - the care. You could move her to what would probably be a less desirable place and the "fitting in" issue would still be there plus the care wouldn't be as good.

My mom doesn't want to be sociable - she's tired and just wants to be left alone. Because she is in the memory care unit and with hospice, she is getting a lot of interaction through the caregiver staff, the Memory Care Director, the hospice nurse and gal who comes to give her showers 3x a week as well as the Activity Director who brings her dog and a puppy she just had a litter of. They don't give up on trying to get her out and into another setting which I appreciate too. They could have just thrown in the towel and let her be. I have come to a place of acceptance with that and maybe that's what you'll need to do. If her place has an Activity Director, maybe you can talk with them to see if they have any ideas to help get her out into a more social setting depending on what their COVID protocol is.

Best wishes to both you and your mom!

Are you considering moving her? You've already found the best place for your mother. You have to overlook her complaints. Eventually she won't be the "odd one out". As her symptoms worsen and the disease progresses, she'll no longer be "a fish out of water". You like where she is and the care she's getting. Moving would cause her confusion and still not feel comfotable for her or you. Yes, it is hard to find the best place for a LO with dementia, but it seems that you've done just that.