OK, I am not going to say to Dad, I TOLD YOU SO. But I will tell you. THis is me the one recuperating from the aortic dissection, so I didn't need more adventures with daddy dearest....AGES ago I had told him to stay away from this mall. My concern was most focused on what he looks like and how ripe he would be for picking and a victim of crime...his elder age, short stature, ability to be focused on things, not so much his surroundings, belief in the goodness of all people so no one would dare to victimize/rob him. He has a closer mall to walk at and does regularly when the weather is too cold or unpleasant....So today he obviously went where I said not to, and got into a little fender bender...he has significant damage to the front passenger side of his Buick Encore. I don't know what he hit or even if he was hit and someone took off, but somehow the police made an appearance. I'm assuming they were within their rights to take his license away from him, though they could not issue a citation being on private property. We're in OH. Just wondering if anyone had experience, knew anything. We don't need to repeat the obvious concerns. Yes he is older, yes he is hearing impaired. But I despise ageism, and that cannot be the only factor playing into this....I realize the safety of all is a concern as it should be, but also have concerns for his independence and potential depression which could be the end of him...that's how much he values it.
My father was 87 when he had 2 fender benders at a strip mall in Fl. He called me to tell me he was voluntarily giving up his license because he felt it was no longer safe for him to be behind the wheel of a car. I admired him for making such a wise decision and immediately arranged for him and my mother to move to an independent living senior apartment in my state. There was a mini bus for them to use for local transportation.
Good for you and your father every circumstance is different. Turns out I was accurate in that NO ONE can be cited due to the mall parking lot being private property, and it seems it may not be legal to snatch anyone's license as happened either. To that end, the officer involved and I have communicated in the past day. The license was returned in person to Dad today with the officer not saying a word to him. This was NOT a good thing. I found Dad excited as he thinks it was no doubt very special to have the license returned in person, and he thinks he's good to go. I used the F word for the first time in my life with him (thanks to Siri translating on the i phone) and he ignored every word I said. Which has led me to the same conclusion as others here, since he doesn't recognize the seriousness of what he has done he is a risk to himself or others. He thinks everyone is making a federal case of nothing. There will be no stopping him...except...as I write this....I can TRY to find his keys and hide them and then, god forgive me, we will make mom with dementia the scapegoat....He thinks got license/can drive. Told him he drove into another car and PUSHED IT. Doesn't recognize this as the truth although that's the officer story and he says there were witnesses. He is able to drive. TOLD HIM NO! HE is not. That he has been entered into the police computer system and if he is caught, that (who knows?) he will be thrown in jail...and he laughs me off. I said fine, be arrested and thrown in jail, one less (F'ing) problem for ME to deal with. He comes back with the officer didn't say anything to him....I said because you're going to get a letter from the state that you have to take the driving test first. Of course how that will go, as I told others, in his mind he has nothing to lose, so he will try. ANd I tell you people....he's good...damn good. Until and me and the neighbor convinced him to STOP already, he ALWAYS would back his car into the garage. They never reccommend doing that because it allows the CO2 to build up in the more enclosed area of your garage, furthest from the door and the fumes can build up and potentially seep into your home....but he is quite skilled driving wise. He is not usually this dense or stupid. I screamed at him that he hit a car with passengers in it...
Our area does have some limited services available transportation wise and we are blessed to have good neighbors of which dad is one. So hopefully this will resolve for everyone's best interests...he's just capable of always being on the go and independently, hitting the local grocery, going to the mall to go walking (which is where he was when this happened). Winter is the hardest time with him not wanting to walk outside in the cold or sidewalks being icy and dangerous. He also can't play golf, or mow the lawn or tend to the yard/garden. Prayers and finger crossing are welcome.
So I don't think "private" has any bearing here, unless the accident occurred on adjacent property which isn't part of the mall.
This elderly woman backed out of her parking space without looking in her rear view mirror and ran smack into the passenger side of my vehicle.
Pictures were taken by the body shop that proved to the insurance company that she caused the damage to my vehicle.
Turns out that she was driving her daughter’s car which she never drove again.
Please do everything possible to stop your dad from driving. This isn’t about agism. It’s about safety for her and others.
A car in the hands of an incapable driver is a weapon, and significant damage to his car isn't a little fender bender. Whatever he hit could easily have been a person, and a mall parking lot has a lot more people walking in it than the average road. That accident was a disaster in the making.
I think you need to stop with the denial and simply make alternative plans for your dad's transportation. The driving ceases TODAY, and you find senior transportation, Uber, Lyft, or taxis for him to use. There are plenty of people who are happy to be companions/drivers for older folks, too. I have a 75-year-old cousin who drives a 95-year-old lady around because he likes helping "old people."
Life contains many changes along the way. This is one of them. Help your dad find alternatives, and he can keep his independence.
I think Dad needs to be tested by the DMV. Then its up to them to make a determination concerning his driving skills. At 101 his reflexes are probably not good. You said "ability to be focused on things". When u drive being focused is very important. If he can't hear, he has to be aware of his surroundings. I don't even talk to my DH when he drives. He can't concentrate on what I am saying and the road too.
I think its time for Dad to stop driving. Find other ways of getting around. The car should be sold or put somewhere so its not a constant reminder. He is lucky he was on private property or he would have had a ticket.
How did he get home after the accident? If the police had "taken his license", they surely would not have let him drive his car home afterward; and there would have to be some sort of paper trail generated, because I would think they would have either 1) called someone in his family to pick Dad and the car up or 2) had the car towed. For the police to say that someone is not fit to have a driver's license to the point they "remove" it, and then proceed to let that person drive themselves home would open them to all sorts of liability should that person get into another accident.
I understand the OP's desire to protect Dad from ageism, but as others have said, there comes a time when we just shouldn't be driving anymore. It's not just about our own safety, but the safety of everyone who has the misfortune of being on the road at the same time.
Has dad heard from the DMv?
Does he recall what happened?
Did he or the police seek medical attention for him after the accident?
How did he get home?
I agree about the "for heaven's sake stop driving if you're not safe" comments, but I also agree with you that the potential for depression and demotivation is real and not to be dismissed lightly. Get busy researching alternative transport; other than that do more listening that talking, and don't argue any points because he's not likely to be in the mood to listen to reason. It sounds as if the police intervention might have been a blessing in disguise.
Please work on disabling or removing his car from the premises. It is not enough to remove the keys, as he may have a spare pair. Also, make sure you alert his other family, neighbors and friends to NOT lend their car to him. He will be extremely angry and may even report it stolen (by you). You have the recent fender bender as your defense.
Are you his PoA? Has he had a cognitive exam within the past year? I have a dear Aunt for whom I am PoA. She is also 101.5 and reads the WSJ every day. Sharp as a tack. But not to drive. Reflexes (both physical and mental) are just not there anymore. "Independence" can become an illusion as he becomes less able to do things and you or others fill in and orbit around him, protecting him from himself, like Mr. Magoo. Except it's not funny.
I have done what others suggested: that you work on replacing his transportation so that he doesn't miss it too much. I contacted my Aunt's local family and neighbors and had them take her to appointments. I send them gift cards to favorite restaurants so that her driver could take her out to lunch or dinner as well. She enjoyed the social time more than the loss of driving privilege. Those who helped her felt needed. It will feel like a hard thing, and it is. FYI I had to actively stop 4 senior family members from driving, so I get it. I wish you a full recovery, and much patience, wisdom and peace in your heart as you help ease your dad into a new phase of his long life.
Thank you for the reviewing the suggestions; he is stubborn and determined. We have zero family here. My only sibling is out of state at great distance. The restaurant gift cards as thank yous is a great idea. I wouldn't think of going out right now due to COVID, but our one neighbor, bless them gave me a get well gift on my own return home for a generic restaurant delivery service that has been a blessing to me when i was especially weak and exhausted. You are right about the good it does for others to volunteer and feel needed. Although I am not so crazy about the vulnerability of his walking as well, our neighborhood is what I would deem safe, and with his capacity and endurance there is a produce market he would probably attempt at times. Not the same as his quick run to Aldi's, but something...and actually....If someone told me he HAD walked to Aldi's, I wouldn't be too surprised. My concern would be about his doing this especially in summer heat which is very hard on me....but doesn't bother him...and you know I'm sure about heat related illness and older adults. God bless you and your strength for being involved with FOUR family members. I so appreciate your kind wishes as patience is not always my best feature, especially when worn down by the other antics that go on here involving food and drink and my mother thinking everything is hers, drinking from bottles, leaving items out on the counter....and on and on. It will be a new phase for all of us to be sure. A couple of the neighbors already know, and I will be letting the others. Of course I am here as well, but between recovery, working remotely, and needing my own rest and not being able to be at his beck and call, plus trying to avoid espsecially populated stores like his favorites are, I just can't do it all. I get so angry sometimes I want to scream YOU are responsible for my getting sick and nearly dying. He doesn't pay attention to the details of household management...that's Women's Work. He just expects it to be done...when my sibling was in she showed him partially how to do laundry. He even asked what I used to clean the kitchen floor as he saw a couple spots. At this point in my recovery and with his hearing issue, I just don't have the energy to explain EVERY thing. I never realized how much work shopping was (grocery) or putting the order away. We had to create a new system....because my mother would start rummaging thru bags..
My fireman brother has been to too many accidents that involved old drivers, and they were deemed the reason the accident happened. With that, there are usually lawsuits, etc.
One particular accident a few years back involved an old man who went on the wrong street or pier way, and plowed over a number of people..killing at least one person.
Yup, automatically it is your dad's fault... age...
Another friend found out her mom had brain cancer. The mom got into 2 small fender benders in two weeks. The third one the following week landed her in the hospital where they found the cancer. She passed away about 4 months later from the cancer. And my friend was left with lawsuits and attorney fees from the previous car accidents.
The following day, I picked her up and we drove to the CPA's office. She looks over and spots her car..Huh?
Long story short, she was supposed to go to court to get her license back. She forgot about that, so they permanently pulled her driving privilege. I moved her close to me in a home. She is unable to walk, so when I take her to her doctor appointment, I have a wheel chair access taxi van who is very good, and makes sure she is secured safely before we start going. Trust me, not all taxi drivers are the same. This man is a wonderful taxi driver.