Anyone have suggestions on clever therapeutic lies for taking check book away from LO with dementia?
DH has POA, has been doing all bills for over a year. Stepsister has been getting FIL to write checks to her kids for birthdays, whatever. But now she got him to write a larger check for her daughter who is starting grad school. This step granddaughter was always FIL’s and his late wife’s favorite grandchild. FIL knows he is declining (CHF, and lung disease, etc.), and verbalizes he “doesn’t have a lot of time left on this earth.” We could see him start writing even much larger (tuition) checks to this one step granddaughter. The (stepsister) mother of this grandchild child is manipulating FIL.
DH takes the checkbook out of his AL room whenever FIL is in the hospital. FIL always asks for it back. We’ve already used, we must order more checks excuse. FIL kept asking and DH gave him checks back in the past. DH currently has the checkbook since the last stint in the hospital, but FIL is asking for it back again. FIL is smart and manipulative. Need something clever to tell him.
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Take the checkbook away. If you need a therapeutic fib, tell him it's not within his budget to keep giving money away, that he may not be able to afford the nice facility he is currently in.
Also, make sure there is absolute minimum of cash in the checking account in case he is able to write out more checks then they will bounce. Transfer the money into a savings account where he can't get it. Make sure he doesn't have the phone number of the bank, or know his account number (so that the rep wouldn't be able to process his request).
Inform the steppie that due to his diagnosis of dementia that DH is now doing ALL of his banking and financial decision making and that any requests need to come through DH in order to protect him from predators and financial abuse (and DH doesn't have to say it's the steppie, the fact is, those criminals do exist and operate everywhere. If one of them called him in the AL he could easily have his account drained -- all he'd need to do is recite the account and routing numbers printed at the bottom of each check). There will be blow-back from both FIL and the steppie, but so what?
Thanks Geaton ,
I could totally see FIL falling for something on the phone and giving away account and routing numbers .
We were told FIL is not competent to take care of or make financial decisions .
Despite having a list of family birthdays and anniversaries etc , that this step gave to FIL along with a box of cards she gave him that sits right in front of him at his kitchen table in his room , FIL never thinks to write a check or send a card to anyone else . This step is prompting him to do it. I consider that financial abuse.
I would gave a talk with step-sister. Tell her there is only so much money and that is being used for Dads care. There will be no large checks written to her daughter or checks written to just her kids. Bring up the Medicaid thing.
I agree that you need to keep Dads checks. I like the idea of transferring money to another acct and leaving him enough to write those birthday checks. Try to explain to him large checks cannot be written because that money is needed for his rent.
Thank you all for your ideas. I spoke to DH. We came up with telling FIL That it has been recommended not to keep check books in AL facility . I got this idea from the post talking about account numbers and routing numbers and that when he wants to write a “ birthday check “ DH will bring a check to FIL. This way DH will know he’s not writing a check for a large amount that he normally would not write .
Large gift amounts like a tuition bill for only one of the 8 grandchildren is not something FIL would do in his right mind . Just months ago he was worried about running out of money in AL .
He needs his money to take care of him . I agree , he could change his mind , do more aggressive treatments and live longer than expected and run out of money . Then Medicaid could come into play .
FIL has a diagnosis of dementia.
I am going to assume that POA is in effect.
FIL should no longer have access to his checkbook, credit cards or other means that would constitute a "legal document"
When you are signing your name on a check or when you sign for a credit or debit purchase you are entering into a legal agreement. If he is no longer cognizant he can not do that.
Inform family members that the POA is in FULL effect and that FIL is no longer able to make financial decisions.
If the family members disagree with that they can take it up with an attorney.
There is no way to tell him anything "clever".
If he does understand tell him that he needs to be careful with his spending because the cost of where he is living is increasing.
You can continue to tell him you are ordering checks
or
You can tell him that all checks are done on line now and that no paper checks are used.
or
Tell him anything else you want to tell him but with dementia he is going to forget what the reasons are. The difficult persons to deal with are the ones that are financially abusing an elder. And that is reportable and you can tell them that the next time they want a check written. That will hopefully that will put a stop to it.
Yes durable POA.
Or take the checks, but give him a fake register that he can balance regularly.
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