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I swore never to bring someone into my life. Now I found him and Mom is too much. He has been very supportive.. and great with talking to my mother as I have nothing to talk to her about anymore..in fact the sound of her voice is like nails on a board to me. he came in knowing my hands were full and didn't seem to care. but its my attitude and negative thoughts that my life is just one burden after another and I dont see positive things happening in the future,,im so worried about being broke,whats going to happen to me (mom and I live in her house ) am I ever going to get a decent job after this,, etc,, I
I m afraid I may be just pushing him away when I say that he'd be better off with someone who is free and doesn't have such a heavy burden.. it makesme almost hate my mother for holding me back from being happy

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Um. Aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself?!

If you've had the good fortune to meet someone who is happy to go with the flow, why not let him and see what happens? Better than sending him packing because you can't yet lead the life you'd like to with him. If he finds all the restraints too much in the end, then so be it; but don't decide that for him in advance. That would be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy.
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With friends like that, who needs enemies? I would no more considering inviting a friend's boyfriend over for dinner, then drinks, than I can fly. The woman appears to have designs and is not your friend. She is probably a desperate grabber of anything that looks like it might be available. There are a lot of women like that around.
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quote - "He said he would never be interested in her and if it meant losing me he wouldn't..
I know I cant ask him not to see her.. but it hurt... and I feel even more alone and even trying to see where our relationship could go seems hopeless"

I agree it is more about him than her, but she is not behaving well either. and yes, you can set the limit of exclusivity on your relationship with him, if you need that. That is looking after yourself.

I took that as he was saying he would not see her any more of it meant you set that limit. I don't see that as you asking him, but him offering.

If you are being intimate with him, should you not have established right off that the relationship was exclusive, if only for health's sake? He has privileges at your house by remodelling and using your garage. Now he is having second thoughts about his relationship with you. Who is getting what they want out of this?

You obviously are not comfortable with him dating other females. I think most women would not be, considering your involvement with him. I would be honest about that with him and let him know what is and is not acceptable to you and what the consequences are. Otherwise, I think you are in for more hurt. It is not that you are telling him what he can or cannot do, but you are telling him what you can or cannot do. He has it pretty good if he has you and your home open to him and also freedom to do what he wants with other women. I wouldn't tolerate it. Let him set his tools up in her garage.

A young woman went after G asking him to help her around her house - even though she had a live in boyfriend her child called "Daddy". G , who is very naïve about such things, did not think there was anything else to it, till something happened that showed her intent. She even called me to clarify the nature of the relationship G and I had because an idiot mutual friend had told her I was only his landlady. She was very upset when she found out differently. I asked G abut the details and was totally convinced that he had no other motives that doing some repairs/renos to earn a few bucks and help out, which he does some times, However, I set the limit that she was to be out of his life period - no more repairs there - if he wanted to stay in my life. We had already established that we wanted to be permanent and exclusive. I think it is so important to set the terms at the beginning, but it is never too late to do that.

My heart goes out to you. You are very vulnerable in this situation. Please look after yourself. If he wants to play around with more than one women, better to find out now.
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Reading that post may come off as being harsh to a lot of folks...BUT....I dated a man seriously for a long time...TOO LONG....who was "God's gift to women"....he initially played the role of the doting gentleman caller, was always there, ready to be helpful at a moments notice...did sweet things for me....was a deacon at his church...everyone thought highly of him..EVERYONE....he was good..oh brother was he good.....slick is what I call it now...After reeling me in, (which took quite a while because I was coming out of a bad relationship so I was VERY cautious and not easily fooled...or so I thought) but turns out he had been dating other women the entire time he had been seeing me...not only in our town, but all over the place..this womanizer gave womanizers a bad name....

Now I'm not saying your friends is like this jerk...but men (and women) can be really deceptive , especially when they know someone is already in a vulnerable situation...at the time one of my vulnerabilities was that my Daddy was very sick and I was having to spend a lot of time living out of a suitcase running the two hour trip back and forth to my hometown (now my current one) and while he played the role of the dutiful suitor, incluing sweet calls to me to check on my Daddy that man was out dancing, dining, and honky tonkying allover creation and back...I guess I share this as much now because for sure, I have no reason to compare your friend which this bozo jackass womanizing goomer, but he could have won an Oscar for his oh so elegant demeanor...all the while he was bouncing all over creation and who knows what else....
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It sounds to me like you need any support you can get. This guy sounds like he's a straightupguy. Yes things are going to get more difficult as your mother ages and declines. There is no way around this. You have no choice but to take it as it comes. (Just like all of us). I would advise taking it easy and slow with any new relationship but if it seems like it may work try to find a way to balance your life to include this fellow and your caregiver life.
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Sanity53-you are lucky you found a nice guy who understands the situation. Go with it! You deserve to be happy and have someone/something to take your mind off caregiving. Do the best you can, don't chase him off because of what MAY happen. Appreciate the time you spend together. I have the same thoughts and worry will I ever have the time/energy for the "one" again.....be thankful. We should all be so lucky to find someone to support us in this time of our lives! Live your life the best you can!
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sanity - I am a distance care giver age 77, care giving my 102 yr old mother who is in an ALF. Over 5 years ago, I met someone I am still with. I have issues, different from yours, but I still wonder if we can make it. He is a kind person and has been very helpful with the various times we have had to move mother. Also he is a good sounding board for me. Can you talk openly with your friend about your feelings? I have tried to push my friend away at times but he won't go. Adjusting to a new person in your life takes time and energy, but it has been worth it so far. I agree working on your self esteem would be a good thing and also carving out some alone time with him. He knows your situation and sounds like a good guy. Maybe he needs to be needed. Good luck and keep us updated.
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Oh poo. I feel quite growly on your behalf, not so much about him but about your friend. She could have kept her mitts off for the sake of good manners, if nothing else. Still! - just see how it goes. And be demanding of the small things that he CAN do to be your friend without getting in your way - take you to a movie, buy you take-out every so often, that kind of thing. But you're right, you are all of you free agents and you can't lay down who goes where with whom or who cooks for whom. Save your energy for the bits that matter and let the rest of it just happen.
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Why on earth are we blaming the other woman.... the real person in question is the "boyfriend".... isn't "no" in his vocabulary when it comes to another woman asking him over for dinner/drinks?

Be careful, some guys like a good cat fight especially when he's the center of attention. If the first cat fight goes away, be aware that there will be another. I know I've been through that type of situation, and never again will I do it a second time. I now have too much self-worth, and no man is worth it if he acts that way.
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I probably need to just keep my opinion to myself...my heart feels for you, sanity, but, sorry, my opinion is that your "friend" is a witch and the boyfriend is an a**......

In my opinion, had this man cared as he represented himself to, he would not have been so ready to accept the dinner date...the friend certainly is NO friend, and I would not think twice about kicking his butt to the curb.

Caregiving is hard enough. It saps our emotions, wears us down, sometimes makes us feel like we need to try and hang on to something, anything, because we don't know what the future holds..but really, even when we're not caregivers, would you really accept this kind of behavior off a man...you shouldn't. period. This man is not a child. He knows your situation and should understand why you can't be at the ready, and if we were a real gentleman he would never have accepted the dinner date..he sounds like trouble make that TROUBLE........None of us are promised tomorrow....I have the same concerns about life on down the road, but they would be there regardless of my Mama...and to be honest there is not a man on this planet who is worthy of my blaming my Mama for my unhappiness....he's not worth it...if he was, you wouldn't be feeling this way because he wouldn't be making you feel this way.

I don't mean to be rude or hateful, I have been through this BS too many times with men who could play the role of the perfect gentleman long enough to "snag my heart" and once he saw he had me, let the games begin.....
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